My poor graphics card...

It's hard to post things when you don't have access to the interwebs. Srsly.

I really don't have anything to say. I'm depressed, moody, and fucked up. I have issues keeping my emotions in check.

I guess that's normal, though, right?

(Beautiful blinding lights
Forever haunting me with memories
As if I could sleep already
I can't hold my own hands steady)

I tend to push myself to the point of exhaustion before I go to bed. Just so I don't have to think.

Thinking sucks.

("Forever and ever, Amen,"
She whispered to her best friend.
But forever turned out to be two and a half years
And her pillow is soaked with tears)

I play DnD now, thanks to Blue. It's really awesome. I look forward to every friday.

And I keep not thinking.

Because that's the only way I can make it

Get Over It or GTFH

It's just like you to expect me to bend
To be the perfect friend
To be the doormat I've always been
To be the one to cater and please

I'm through living my life on my knees

If I won't take shit from him
Why should you expect me to swallow yours?
You stand back and scream and cry
And I'm left with bitter lies
You stand back and cry and scream
And I'm left with
Hollow hopes and tasteless dreams
A few old memories

But they no longer hold sway
And your words just push us away

You think that you're the only one who feels
Bitch, get real

You've got some nerve being like this
Being so high maintenance
Being so pissed

I was always there for you,
I was always whatever you wanted me to be
And you
Where were you the whole time?
YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING MINE

I don't see why I should have to consider you now
After all the let downs
After all the pain I swallowed to be your friend
And now, in the end,
Here you are wishing I was a doormat again
And here I am wishing you would just be happy for us

Isn't it better that he and I are friends?

Would you rather it be some chick you don't know?
Some random bimbo with a perfect body,
Angel eyes, and hair like the sun?
At least you know me...

Or do you?

The way you act, the way you fight
You never knew who I was because you were too busy
Being there for the bitch who let you down
And now where are you?

I'm vindictive, sure
And I say you deserved her
And I say you deserve to let go
Just like everyone else
Fuck, I should know

You can't hold on to something that is no longer yours
And is not mine
And is not yours
And is not mine
AND IS NOT YOURS

So get over yourself

Decay?

A window
With a heart built from stone
Razor wire against the ground
Every wind blowing through the holes
The rotten walls
Basement filled with rotten secrets
A million words or less written on the hearth
Stairs leading ever upwards
To an attic filled with love

Septem

I.
Please don't cry
Wipe the tears from your eyes
This is for your own good
Same as mine

II.
Pretty words
I would have sold my soul
Six months ago
Now I'm just disgusted
Disenchanted
Keep trying to draw me near
You only succeed in keeping me here

III.
I bet you a million dollars
All you miss
Is the illusion

IV.
She held up her hands
Amazed in the disreality
The déjà vu
The world shattering numbness
Would she smile?
Bitterness pours from her mouth

V.
Love?
Fuck love
Fuck it like the whore it is

VI.
End of the line
End of time
No more tears to cry
No more wondering why
No more silent screams
No more painful dreams
This is the way it has to be
And I accept the inevitable decay
The chaotic destruction of every day
I worship the razing
The destruction, the death
With every brittle breath
One more step and I find that all the time
It was with me, it was inside
You held me back, down, under, drowning
Now I'm so much more

VII.
And so much less

Memories of You

Her throat beneath my hands
I shut my eyes
Her heart beating so hard in my palm
I taste it
Her breath coming in gasps
And I feel it
Convulsive, sweet
Like a warm wind
Her body beneath me shivering
While I hold her down and shut my eyes
She is silken, smooth, perfect
And I hold her
Everything else is distant and unclear
Voices and staring strangers
I hold her harder and smile
She is so warm and soft
And I am holding her
She is mine
And I hold her

Solo Melody

She sat in the old wooden chair, her hands resting lightly on it's arms. A breeze blew through the shattered windows, swirling her long hair around her face, fluttering her light skirt around her ankles. The abandoned office building was silent.

She shivered. The silence pressed in on her with bitter force until a scuff sounded from the hall. Her back towards the door, she didn't see him enter, only felt the disturbance in the room and a tightening of her stomach.

"Early, eh?" he casually asked.

She swallowed, nodded. Her hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly digging splinters into her soft skin.

"You are so striking in black, Aria. Like a little red haired porcelain doll. So...delicate," he whispered close to her ear.

Shuddering, she shut her eyes, her breath held.

"Such an angel..." he gently caressed her neck with a finger. "Why have you called me here?"

"Please, I just want it to end..." she quavered. Desperation drew the knots in her stomach tighter. His hands slowly slid down her pale arms and coaxed her grip to loosen, then release. He turned her wrists up, exposing the scars on each arm.

"You have poetry on your arms," he purred.

"Give me one last sonnet, Bard," she murmured brokenly. His hands disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a tiny razor blade in each elegant grip.

"Be still, poppet," his hot breath whispered in her ear.

She shut her eyes again, the bite of the twin razors pulling a smile to her lips. She felt her hot blood pouring down, cascading, letting her life fall away.

And she kept her smile, even as the light melted from her eyes and the Bard left.

Dreamer of Dreams

Once upon a time
Once upon a marvelous time
When the sky was blue
And the sun was golden
And the birds were making a-
(terrible buzzing)
-In the trees,
There lived a princess
The most beautiful, completely-
(crazy, just bloody crazy)
-Maiden the kingdom had ever seen
She lived in a beautiful castle on the top of a hill
And she spent all day-
(in shock therapy, currently)
-Just waiting for her prince to arrive with-
(another shot! Hurry it up!)
-So that she would be-
(drugged for a fucking long time)
-Her prince leaned over and said-
(She's waking up!
Keep her still, here's the shot
Watch out for her feet!
There we go
Back to sleep now, princess)
But the princess was discontent with her prince
And planned to wake