Saturday, December 31, 2005
Pre-Cal
Friday, December 30, 2005
Sir Bean
Keep the fire warm and bright
And keep the faith lit
I keep her, and you, in my prayers.
Monday, December 26, 2005
They Didn't Leave A Title
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Christmas Bells
Why I should never write at 3 A.M.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
5 Snatches of Snow
Let the snow fall
This blanket is the healing we need
It refreshes us
Each flake caresses us
Oh! Let the snow fall
II.
Flurry falling
Flakes flying
Faster! Faster!
Floating forever
III.
Little crystals of death
White harbingers of doom
They will devour us all!
Don't listen to their sweet whispers
Don't think them beautiful!
They only wait to slay us all!
IV.
Hush now
Sleep
The morning
Will never
Come
V.
The sun rises on drifts of white
The little girl had crept out in the dark of night
Never to return
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
TAGGED?!?!?
If you are tagged copy and paste this into your diary and answer *all* of the questions..Then tag 5 more people
PRIDE What do you brag the most about? - um...that i'm in band, though it's not really bragging, more of a warning really, cuz in band, we're all crazy...
ENVY What is one thing a friend has that you always wish you could have? - without a doubt, a brother
GLUTTONY What's one food you cant say no to? - meh, i hate food, i only eat to keep my strength up
LUST How did you learn to masturbate? - this i would prefer not to go into
ANGER What or who always makes you angry and why? - this varies, mostly actions by other people that are just...unfair in some way, stereotypes, racism, people who look down on others for some reason or another...
GREED Name one thing you don't need to live with but would freak out to give up. - nothing really comes to mind, but the thing i'd feel the loss of most is...i guess...the internet...well, not even that, toss up between my blog and chat
SLOTH What's one chore you hate to have to do around the house? - meh...sweep and mop all the floors...i really can't stand that and i have no reason why...other than i can't stand it of course
people to tag? idk, if you want to take it, take it, i don't have anyone really that i can tag...i mean, i could say Shade, but i doubt he'd actually do it...maybe Pepsi Lover!! yeah! and AG if she feels like it...heh, or if ya don't then do it anyways!
i think i just destroyed the fragile friendship i had with someone...maybe when i stop shaking i'll feel better...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Bit of Something/Nothing
Unbeknownest to the shouting masses
In the heart of the grime and heat
Lies are spreading to the thoughts, the thoughts we hear
Do not speak in this shame
A rythm like a pounding heart
Beats through the head, the hands, the steel
Steal us all away into the memory
We are all forgotten in this moment of eternal pain
The heart is never something we had need of
How do we expect each other to sing...
sorry...that came out of no where...it's just been one of those months...all in favour of abolishing December, say aye. i swear, if this month gets any worse it'll be like...hell on earth...yes that did just rhyme, don't shoot the poet. well, i thought i had something to say, but i guess not...happy holidays and merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
They're All Fools
When someone drips black
It shows through the soul
Pour out of the mouth, it comes
Stains will never fade, oh heart song
False eyes proclaim jubilance
While hidden on a shelf is a knife
Mist of orange, pray, cover the shame
Terrible secret, terrible lies
How could you be so foolish
Remove the covering darkness
No other words will wrap around
Tangle of scratches, poet
False protector! Who do you pretend
In one scarlet minute you fall
Easy enough when the pain comes
Hard enough when there might be hope
Do not stand in the road, Shadow
Time waits for no one
There are only two choices
CHOOSE
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Not Face Value
We all fail to stay silent
Mock me as you wish
Pathetic children!
I understand you too much
Your words TEAR ME APART
SO LONG I HAVE DIED
What is a true friend?
When everyone I know makes me die
And everyone makes me lie
Truth was overrated anyway
But MOCK ME you must
Because I offer myself for you
And your barbed arrows
STOP MAKING ME LIVE SHATTERED
I try to become better
And you STAND IN MY WAY
STOP IT
WE ALL FAIL TO STAY SILENT
DEATH TO THE RIGHTEOUS
Written towards Hayz
and before anyone flips out on me and goes psycho-fanatic, i mean death to the self-righteous. better then? good.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
if this is light i want nothing of it
it's all over for me, it's all the same
falling into the darkness and embraces
ah, my chains, you have waited for me
ah, my fear, you have finally gone
consume me again, here is my heart
understand that this is not goodbye
this is merely the beginning, where i start over
and realize what i should have seen from the beginning
love is not real, it does not exist
i would have changed but that is no longer possible
all the tears are gone now, no feeling
ah, my echoes, you come to me again
so close and yet inside me all the same
ah, my destruction, my havoc, beauty in chaos
recover into what was safe before
please stay safe now, and forever remember
NO MORE
don't think worse of me for what has happened, Aodhan. i send you my luv
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Caffeine High
uummm....today was whacked...filming a civil war trailer for class. and i'm not on speaking terms with anyone in that class really, so i got stuck with a bunch of preps (nothing else i can call them, much as i hate labeling). it wasn't too bad...we had maiming, death, and spies, so it really wasn't too bad. i wanted to be a random dead soldier, but i got to work the camera mostly instead cuz the other girl couldn't do it and since we had a group of four total, with two having majour parts, i was the "unwanted goth child who, of course, showed up in all black and who doesn't have a permit." however, on the up side of that... i brought the music and battle scenes, and i didn't show up with a hangover...
Lo siento por el sufrimiento.
Lo siento. Lo siento.
No más vida. No más muerte.
No más. No más.
¿Un cuchillo? ¿Dónde?
Dámelo ahora
Ahora, ahora, por favor,
Y esta noche hay termina.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Anarchy Grounds
goodbye, and may the stars always shine for you
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Redefined
happy almost-thanksgiving to ya americans.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Haiku
Even when the stars don't shine
They light up the night.
*almost hugs everyone, restrains self but just barely* anyways...got a job! yay! money! at krispy kreme. free donuts! score! and a 50% discount! more score! and...um...right, so guess tis about it for now, but you can expect posts from me...*small smile* much hope and happy thanksgiving to all you americans out there
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Finally A Real Post
yeah, so after that and after i passed out in the car, i come to realize that i have bruises covering my entire body. ah, well, i still have them and they hurt, but it's good. (they've turned a nice shade of yellow and purple, quite lovely) <--that's a joke, btw
much hope friends and foes, much hope
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Mosh Pit and Shooting Star
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Grieving For the Innocent
*for annie, tracey, and alex*
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Two Extremes
*****alright, before i state what i think, i thank everyone for your perspectives, they were all quite interesting and helpful. *grins* yes, even shade's.
ok, here it is (credit goes to Sm0kstr for the ideas and making me think about this) i'm putting the conversation on here that i had:
Sm0kstr: why do both pain and joy in great amounts produce the same thing?
ShadowL0R: joy because it is foreign to humans, so much light that there has to be some response
Sm0kstr: but why the same reaction as pain?
Sm0kstr: why not laughter?
Sm0kstr: or something unique to joy?
ShadowL0R: two extremes of tears...one is beautiful because it's like rain...it heals the land and cleanses it and makes it lovely
ShadowL0R: the other like rain, for in great force it destroys, kills, drowns
and that's what i think. don't even ask why we were talking about this, i don't really know either.
ensueños de sangre, esperanzas de muerte
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Shredded Wrists...
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Extrapolation of Interpretation
let's start out easy, we'll do prep. hokay, so...
prep-from the preparatory school. literally, someone who is obviously well off. (ie, loads of $$, fancy clothes, nice car...etc) this is probably about being prepared to do well in the world. like, you know, good manners, etiquette...i believe 'prep' schools were originally for girls and such...which is why it is more likely to hear a girl called a prep. (iunno the date, i couldn't find any info on this one online, but i'd say dates back to...maybe...1700's? whenever the first school's for chicks were starting)
alright...how about something a little harder...
punk-this one is very interesting. one meaning i'll skip *ahem* it doesn't add to this. think of a punk stick. you know, the stick that you burn around the 4th of july (or whatever day you set off fireworks) to set the fuze on fire and the stick just keeps burning and burning and burning? well, that's where this comes from. a punk was originally "rotten, slow burning wood, used as tinder." (perhaps from ponk-living ashes) eventaully, the meaning became "something worthless; foolish or empty talk" (literally, something rotten) and there is where we get our punk. worthless and rotten people. nice, huh? (dates back to 1596)
well, then, moving on, let's try this one:
emo-if you asked me yesterday, i'd have said that it's from emotion. because you know those shirts that always say 'cheer up emo kid.' well, it's really an abbreviation for emocore or emotional hardcore. named for the bands in the mid 1980's, this is about deeeeeeep meaning, introspection, and connections to other people. so, yeah, you could say emotion, but isn't it more pointless to know this??? (dates back to mid 1980's, just in case you missed that)
alrighty, see? this isn't so bad...now...where were we...oh, yes, one i actually know something about
goth-right, i know about the lifestyle, but i don't know about the word. and everything i try to look up comes up in german. because...you guessed...the word goth originated in germany!!! you get a prize!!! anyways, ok, here's a guess, something to do with the achitecture in the renassiance. oh, wait, here's something. from the word used for the Germanic people who invaded italy and destroyed rome. also, refers to architecture based on the medieval ages. think gargoyles. and there is where you get the horror. also, a genre of writing (ie. Edgar Allan Poe) that involves horror, death, or the negative side of romanticism. (grotesque, mysterious, desolate) (dates back to mid 12th century, which is the 1100's)
sooo, what'dya think?? *raises eyebrows* feel free to correct me on whatever...or add...or just comment in general...or not...whichever you feel like at the moment. there's probably a trillion others that i missed, but i only did the most common ones. (i think we all know where loner and outcast come from) but, seriously, add!!! i'd like to compile a list of the origins and stuff...and if you wanna give me tips about the lifestyle, that's great too. *looks around* well, guess that's it for now.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Football-Away
anyways, they finally get that over with *rolls eyes* and the band stopped playing their dorky love song. (i hope we don't have to play one this year...last year was pretty bad) but, this is their homecoming...you'd expect the stands to be loaded, right? well, not here. there was maybe, 150 people in those stands, including about 25 students. and their stands were made to hold, oh, iunno, about...800? so it was pretty pathetic. it looked like we had a better turnout. and we were much more spirited about it all too. they barely cheered for their football team...they cheered more for our band during halftime then they ever did for the team. there's just something wrong with that. but their band was amazing. constant motion charts...unique songs and sound...very good, very accurate...*ahem* sorry, yeah, anyways...
i don't know...it was a pretty good game (i'm just saying that cuz we won)...but the bus ride back was crazy. i was trapped talking with these two chicks (i swear, one of them is gay) about...prom...yes, that's right, prom. they were asking me what colours i thought they should wear (and what colour i should wear too, *rolls eyes* there is one decent colour out there, that being black...and red isn't so bad, but black is it. and i am not wearing any other colours...and they said i could wear a dress, but they must have caught the horrified look on my face...i'd never live it down, i'm serious...). i can't believe they got me to talk about it....*shudders* moving on, we went through a bunch of subjects such as why there is only one teacher in my school that everyone thinks is highly attracted to girls...and why every girl in the school feels this way...and why guys can be so rude (despite popular opinion this is not my fault, okay?!?!?!? i don't know!!! stop asking me!!!). but othere than that...twas pretty routine.
oh, yeah, i've written a stroy, so if you'd like to read it, tell me and i'll drop a link on here.
Monday, September 26, 2005
And It Became Silent
Friday, September 23, 2005
I Know Who You Are...
*ahem* yeah, i think that's about it for now.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Create
I will always watch you float against the sky
Of your dreams
The sky of your hope and my pain.
You take the shine from stars
And wrap it up inside yourself to become brighter
Than the sun. I burn from your brilliance.
You. You fly so gracefully.
I aspire to be you and yet you are my death
Light as a shimmer, you taunt me
And you don't even know.
I admire your thoughts and voice
The way you catch the wind and rise so far
Even the clouds envy your freedom.
Silver streams of perfection waft past me
Dissapating when I touch them
They tangle in the trees and I find that
I hate the trees, who are pure enough
To hold your whispers.
I sit in the darkness and watch you
Everything i cannot be you are.
The sunlight caresses your body, lives
Within your eyes, haunts the brighter beauty
Of your crystaline bubbles.
yeah, sounds weird huh? anyways...*ahem* no good way to put this...i have never stated if i'm male or female...well, actually, i have, but twas last year i think...no...maybe...iunno...anyway, i haven't so uh, i could be either (if you know, just...shup, ok? *grins* i prefer to keep people guessing cuz if they know, they act different according to which they think i am...quite amusing really when i talk to someone really shallow). anyways...7 days 'til the new Project 86 CD is out!!! w00t!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Rewind, Fast Forward
An imperfect solution to a pressing problem.
It's dog eat dog eat the outcast.
We're sinking further everyday
To the pits of darkness. We trade our souls
To fit in with the world.
Ignore everyone but your closest companions
Keep telling yourself that it's okay.
well, i thought about adding more, but i couldn't think of anything. if anyone wants to add, feel free. school is long and tough, but i have creative writing one day and english the other so i think the rest of the year will be better than the last. (however, my english teacher is driving me insane, making fun of some of the essays that are perfectly fine in my opinion...not that my opinion counts...) anyway, i seem to have been thrown into the middle of something happening between two friends. it's kinda weird cuz i went through something similar last year...and it didn't end well. i s'pose that it's not really my concern, but i like both of the people (i know, shocking, me liking people) and it's just hard to see it happening to someone else.
guess that's 'bout it. better work on my homework or something...
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Antisocial
Thursday, September 08, 2005
The Blame Game
once i can think of something more interesting to say on here, i'll come back and edit...*fades away*
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Untitled
Notes like glass to shatter and spill
...Crystaline thoughts and waterfall eyes...
...Crystaline eyes and waterfall thoughts...
A cascade of something infinite
To hold in a thimble
The key is nothing, something, nothing
Brass and gold patchwork quilts
Sail to my ship, my dreams
To the ocean again, to the smoke
The sulfur and glass...yellow?
Turns black
Lovely eyes, but the water is unpure
Living things wither and die
In water the colour of dirt.
er, the word sail is s'posed to be a noun, not a verb...everytime i write something like this i come out sounding stoned...*goes quietly insane* well, that was fun. i can't think of anything else to say. i wrote a highly disturbing essay for creative writing. *laughs like a...well, iunno what, but twas scary* anyways, the prompt was "is society(or just you) emotionally healthy?" i kinda went with the society one...and what, exactly, defines an emotionally healthy person?? that's what i want to know. *looks around* i want to say more, but i'm restraining myself, isn't that nice??
"Sorry I'm not your perfect angel,
Monday, September 05, 2005
This is Me
this melody that wraps around me
there is nothing more than this
haunting rhythm.
lost in this music
i am not afraid, not ashamed
these notes soothe me
this is what i am
creature of music
it is where i go to hide
where i hear my lullabyes
and i will never release this
the notes comfort me, relax, breathe
take another step and wait
the next word is coming now
and i am here...
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Invisible Dream?
Motion flashed before my eyes
People, walking, laughing, talking
The noise was like thunder
They passed me, looked through me
I was invisible to them
At first I enjoyed this ability
But soon I regretted it
A person walked past, crying
And I wanted to say
Don't be sad, don't cry, you're beautiful
But I couldn't, because I was invisible
And no one would hear.
Another person walked past, angry
And I wanted to say
Don't be upset, will it matter in ten years?
But I couldn't, because I was invisible
And no one would hear.
I looke around frantically
Looking for anyone who could see me
But there was no one.
I screamed into my silence
And none turned to look.
Tears ran down my face and my breath caught
I felt something shatter...
I feel asleep.
alrighty, now that you've read it, go back and read it again, 'sept this time, replace the word 'asleep' with 'awake'. and yeah, i'm serious, read the whole thing, it gives it an entirely different meaning...
k, then. i wrote that at school (big surprise there, huh?). well, wasn't that pointless information. anyway, i finally saw national treasure. it wasn't bad. not a brilliant movie, but not bad, in the long run, 'course i would have like it better if the bad guys won...but that's just me (the book the humanoids ends with the bad guys winning...well, kinda...well, it depends on your point of view, really...aww, never mind). so i finally have some idea what BFG is talking about...well, mostly. on those ones about the movie anyway. the rest are just kinda like a guessing game. btw, i stopped playing guess that blog...*looks around blankly* i think i'll go eat everything in the fridge. that doesn't move.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Immerse Myself Forever
They want in
Those voices and people I heard
Those thing that were in my head
Those lies that I listened to
Screams to be torn from me
Wretched agony to burn me again
Like an invisible acid
I fight forever to not go back
Because I want no more of it
I reach inside myself and breathe
The cool warm light soothes me
And I apologize for running so long
I can barely hear the pounding now
But I immerse myself in the
Pool of amazing wonder
And I hear no more.
i have another poem i like, but it hasn't got a title, so i don't wanna put it on here. cuz then it messes with my sidebar and then i have to go play with the HTML code, not that it isn't fun, mind you, but i have an amazing amount of homework. which is actually what i'm s'posed to be doing right now. ah, well, whatever. i was just blogging and well, yeah. you can see how much time i have on my hands...anyways...the one really interesting thing that happened today was that i started crying in creative writing. HEY, THERE WAS A REASON!!! this one guy wrote something that pretty much just...well...it was...yeah. it was everything that i wanted to say, but was too afraid to let anyone know...and the way he wrote it was just amazing. and i cried that hour and some of the next. man, i hope that no one noticed...i asked this one girl if it looked like i'd been crying (cuz girls are pretty good at catching stuff like that *shuttup annie*) and she said no, so maybe no one noticed...but i think that my teacher did. well, if he wants to say something to me, there's not much that i can do about it...guess i'll do my homework now...
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Disillusioned Immortality
"People who know they can die are more responsible."
i just can't agree with that. speaking from experience (no, annie, i'm not like this anymore, relax) i wanted to kill myself. i knew that i could. it made me exteremly stupid in doing a lot of stuff that i should't. i didn't take care of myself, i purposfully did things that could kill me. not often, but enough. i knew that i had the choice to kill myself or let myself live. the thoughts i had were way less than responsible. i know some other people who are/were like that. why do people make kids think that they're safe? to protect them from the truth, that we are all frail humans. that anything can kill us. that we are the most fragile creature on this earth. not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. people want to protect the young for as long as they can. alright, i admit that this isn't a brilliant idea. everyone wants to be free to make their own decisions. but can you imagine telling a 4 year old that they could get smooshed by a car? two things might happen: one) they laugh insanley because it's not yet real to them or two) they become afraid of everything. that's why there are rules that are drummed into almost every child. look both ways before you cross the street (so you don't get dead, that's the rest of the sentence).
what's the percentage of people in america who kill themselves? how about this hemisphere? how about internationally? these people know that they can die, yet they are irresponsible with this knowledge and use it to end their own lives. (i can empathize, don't think that i'm mocking these people, i truly know how they felt)
well, i think that's it. *ahem* everyone, feel free to tell my why i'm wrong...so i can post a comment to you that consists of the words HAH and HAH. jk. anyway, leave me comments, for real. (BFG, wth is with the mammy thing???)
oh, yeah, one other thing, what's everyone think about my new colour??
IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO THE SPAMMERS ARE, I'M GONNA STRANGLE THEM!! I'M SERIOUS, EITHER LEAVE A NAME AND A MESSAGE THAT MEANS SOMETHING (at least not obvious that you copied and pasted it) OR JUST STOP LEAVING COMMENTS!!! NO ONE WANTS TO VISIT THEIR BLOG AND FIND A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS TRASH IN THE COMMENTS AREA!!
Saturday, August 27, 2005
...?
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Sadness of a Friend
For how stupid I've been.
I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.
I'm taking that advice
And I promise that I'll try.
Yeah, you got through to me
So please, just don't cry.
I know it's not logical
To swallow a battery
But I thought that it could
Maybe help to set me free.
I promise I'll call you
If I get that close again
Because I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.
Dedicated to Annie
dammit, annie, wth?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The Note
I just want it to end
I know that I'm a horrible person and
I'm sorry for that.
I'm scared to die but
I'm sick of living a lie
And hiding all the pain inside
I never promised that I would live
I just said I'd try
And I really did.
People say suicide is selfish;
Perhaps it is if someone would miss me
But no one would.
I wanted help, but no one listened
Now I just want it all to end.
Help me
or
Let
Me
Die!
i want to kill myself. i want to die in the most painful and bloody way possible. i want to finally let everyone know that i'm not the quiet one who keeps to themselves. that i would destroy everything if i had the chance. that if i could get the courage to kill myself, i wouldn't waste any time doing it. i almost did today. almost. i wish i had. i'm sick of living with this pain and i want it to end. the part that gets me is that i don't really wish my body any harm. it's more the fact that i just want to feel the death creeping in on me. i want to know that i'm destroying myself. but i can't destroy this body because where would the voices go then? they don't want me to die, but one of them sure wants my blood. all the time sometimes. mostly when i'm at school. where, of course, there's nothing i can do to act on that, unless i can get a knife and get it into the bathroom and end things there. but, and this may seem irrational, i don't want to die anywhere that someone could find my body and have their life ruined by it. i mean, just because i'm all fucked up doesn't mean that other people deserve the same thing. i guess that's the reason i'm still living (and i haven't beaten halo on legendary yet, yes that is something that i'm living for). but i want to die. i hate myself. i fucking hate myself. and there's no one that i can talk to about it without screwing their life up too. people have their own problems, they don't need to hear mine. (this is the exeption, my OD is just poetry pretty much, this is where i can say stuff like this) guess that's it. i hate myself. i reasearched the battery thing more and it says that small batteries like watch batteries and hearing aid batteries won't kill you. (there's a whole page dedicated to this topic, quite interesting actually) now i'm just wondering...russian roulette. there's a 50/50 chance that the battery would burst inside me and burn me with the acid. i want it. i've hit myself, cut myself, done stupid things to hurt myself, but i've never swallowed a battery before. i think i know where one is too. now i just want to know when the acid might hit me. i'd prefer the middle of the night when no one would notice and drag me to the hospital. 50/50 is pretty good. i like it, the fear that it might burst and might not. it's funny, in a way, i like to control things about myself, but i'd rather leave this to chance. and hope that it bursts.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Maze
In this maze that you've built
As the faces appear
And fill you with guilt.
The walls rise up
Until they can't go any higher
And they're made of your fear,
Shadows, and fire.
I see you tremble inside
As you make a decision:
You vow to change
The way that you're living.
But the path never ends
So you hold the knife closer.
How you would change
You never knew for sure.
And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.
You take a wrong turn
And freeze in place
To meet the wall of memories
In front of your face.
You turn around quickly
But you've been boxed in
And you scream one last time
Before you face yourself again.
And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.
I wrote this a while ago. i'm just being lazy and i didn't want to talk about school, so i dug through an old binder. actually, it's not that old. i wrote it last month i think. or something. anyways, keep breathing, and remember me.
Friday, August 19, 2005
First Cut
I fear what I want to do
So filled with hate that I couldn't
Stop
Touch the smoothness of my death
The sharp corners that turn light
To darkness
Hear my sobs before
And after I can't stop
Laughing
The smell of incense and smoke and
Sulfur
I burn in my own personal hell
Echoes of his voice taunting me
So I cut through them
Cut as hard as I can so the sound
Dissolves to my blood
Laughing so hard with tears in my
Eyes
I shatter the shell of my heart
And become numb
The day darkens and I hear
Laughing from inside.
yay, i am now officially in creative writing. i got to write this and not worry about the teach turning me in to the counselours cuz he didn't take them up. prompt: the first time we did something, but it couldn't be school. well, obviously i chose the first time that i cut myself. depressing yes, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i haven't been able to think about much but the knife i hid anyway. so that worked vaguely well. i really think that this year will be kinda fun, i have a pretty good schedule soooo, if i can care this year, i should raise my gpa a lot. and i happen to be with the band, so i no longer have to say that i am completely alone on friday nights. which is good. at least it gets me out of the house.
anyway, today was the first day of school. damn principal. he invited all the parents to attend with us. yeah, right. mine were like, awwww hell no. not that they actually said that, but it was pretty much the same. sooo, we got free lunch and an hour and something to eat it. and only 25 minutes in each class. kinda funny watching the teachers already nervous about school trying to get through the syllabi in that short a time.
my dad also started spazzing on me tonight. our computers are hooked together and we were trying for a network, but we didn't get that yet. i'm hooked up to his DSL box, so if he unplugs that, then i'm offline too. well, he unplugged it, and i asked him to not (i thought i was pretty polite about it). but he said something like, sorry to bother you, and slammed the cords back into the box. geez, wtf? and they said that they'd come to the game tonight. but, of course, they didn't show up. whatever. guess i didn't want them there anyway. damn parents.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Beat the Wall
To hide what is within me
And even though the blood runs down
I turn against myself again
To kill the only living part of me
That happened to survive
And I turn again to darkness
And the light blinds my eyes
Pain is the only sound I fell
Fell so far and I wanted to run
But there was not choice of that
I look upon the scars each day
To see if they will fade
I want to die and scream
For everything that I ever thought
Was mostly false and pain remembers
The way I was and what I knew
Back before I thought this way
Back before I fell into the darkness
I want to cry but tears mean blood
And blood means that death is there
Take this knife from my hands
And rip my heart out because I can no longer move
Or speak or wish for help
There is no help for the likes of me
No one would listen to the voices I know
Whisper to me what you will
There are three and I am one
Who am I to deny them what they wish
For I am not always that strong
And I want to let them control it all
So I scream and hit the wall.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Blackness in the Centre
Bury me at twilight
Because I crave the dark wind
Whisper to me wonders
Of the kind that never end
When I am nothing more than ashes
I will sing again...
But til then
Allow the stars to shine forever.
II. The Storm
I die every time I take the knife
KILL ME
KILL MY DREAMS
KILL EVERYTHING THAT I'VE WORKED FOR
I AM NOTHING
MAKE ME NOTHING
TAKE THIS BLOOD
TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME
TAKE MY SOUL
YOU WANT IT
LET THE BLOOD FLOW FROM ME
I SCREAM EVERY TIME I CRY
AND THIS BLOOD IS MY LIFE
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
FOR I AM NOTHING
AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF ME
BUT THIS BLOOD I HAVE
SLIT MY ARMS WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE
SO I RUN FROM YOUR EYES
AND I AM NOTHING MORE THAN THIS
I die every time I take the knife
III. After the Storm
I will wait for the silence
And I shall not be torn away
When the blood runs down my arms
Into the vortex I allowed to be.
I will listen for the quiet
And my heart will beat again
When the whispers no longer coax me
Into making the ultimate decision.
Is it life or death?
And would anyone really care
If it was the latter?
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
To Label Ourselves
well, kids, today's topic is labels!!! and not that kind you find on glass bottles!!! i looked goth up in the dictionary. i can't be a goth, i'm not german. course, i can't be much of anything (thought i'd say that before someone else did). but uhh, the encyclopedia says something else entirely. but that leads to more labels and i have now at this moment desided that it's not worth it to follow all of those links. however, neither of these things lets me understand what being a goth really is. i've been called that, often, and i don't really know why. just because i wear all black? or is there something else? i don't know. and what about punk? what is that? the dictionary didn't help, and the encyclopedia didn't either. so, what is that exactly, because what i thought of as punk was listed under goth...geez, i am so confused. hmm, i tried prep. i won't even put a link to the dictionary, it was useless. these things just aren't the definitions i thought they were. prep doens't sound like a derogatory word, but that's the only way i hear it used. as is goth. i guess all labels are just meant to be mean. to classify one person as something or other. because that person or group of people upsets someone and they must have a word to describe it. i'm guilty of using labels too. i think just about everybody is.
humans fear the strange and unknown. it must be qualified, labeled, and set aside. this makes us feel better, but it doesn't change what we have labeled, it changes us.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
So I'm Lazy...
crap. i wish i didn't have to hide what i feel. and that i didn't have to worry about what i would do to other people if i told them. and that i hadn't started a whole nother journal thing becasue i was afraid for people to know. but they do know. they just don't say anything. and it's so obvious what i am. sometimes it's just pointless for me to stick around on this earth. and i keep a knife in my room. lies, all lies. and i live them. and wish that they were true, sometimes. or that i could at least go one day and not feel guilty for drawing my next breath. guilty for everything i've put everyone through. and all i have left to say is...i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for the way that i am. and i want out, but it's so far and i can't reach, i can't touch the door
and it's the last thing i'll ever say to you
if you'll give me the chance to speak
everything that i've said and every tear
every wasted breath that spoke a lie
that denied the obvious blaring truth
would kill my soul more than you'll ever know
and i'm sorry for being this way
so i could tell you one day about the stupid things
i'v done and the lies i've said
i'm sorry forever, and it's all my fault
that my world is going to end.
well, so much for not posting anything depressing anymore...damn it.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Wishing Well
To sit at the wishing well
Drop a penny in
Wait for the water to still
Shattered dreams to rings
Around the moon I'll sing
Drift into a dream land
Where mist consumes my every action
Stars to glisten and tear me apart
To whisper inside me...
To whisper...
In my heart.
Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
The ripples slow...
And the water is still.
hmm, i'm pretty certain it sounds like i'm on something. what is it with writing about anything dreamlike or naturey that makes me sound high? anyway, i welcome everyone and scream (alright, just think) my happiness that someone besides annie has commented. (no offense annie, but uhhh, yeah, i'll leave it at that) well, is everyone ready to head back to school??? *ducks as rocks are thrown* hey!!! it was just a question!! well, at least no one has to put up with She Who Says We March Outside In The Middle Of the Day (aka mrs gale) for next week. then i work, then i scream at the stupid counselor cuz she couldn't get my schedule right...again...for the 4th time (or is it the 5th...?). then i work more. then i have an emotional breakdown (always good to plan ahead) and then i can go back to school and quit this damn job. it's not that it doesn't pay enough, i think it's great! but, uh, i hate people, and i hate calling people, and i just hate having to work with people in general (present company excluded course). and i'm really just sick of it. at least at school, people don't ask me what i did to my arm...or if they do, they accept some lame excuse or whatever. i uh fell down the stairs and uh i was also carrying a knife and uh i have a cat. yeah. hmmm, well, wasn't this fun and exciting??? no??? yeah, i didn't think so.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Here's Something Shocking
Shocking Facts:
1. I have never had a date
2. Nor do I want one
3. I hate $$
4. I do not wear stereotypic clothes (ie, skirts for girls, button downs for guys)
5. I do not have a car
6. I am not rich
7. I don't care what anyone thinks about me
8. I am a Social Outcast
9. If any of this bothers you, cram it up your-
Monday, August 01, 2005
Destroy A World
Woven together in rain
The green grass grows
To cover the pain
Lava bowling just below
The calm surface of Earth
Start to spin faster
To finish the death
Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space
The surface crumbles
The orbit is gone
And the Earth is left
To move rushing on
Too many stars
To keep her bound here
She's free
Now she has nothing to fear
Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Annie
Of hiding what I am
That I showed people what they wanted
And kept the rest of it in
I wish that I could say
That I was truthful with you
But I can't let you know
The pain I'm going through
It takes so much of me
To keep writing this down
So please think kind things
When you finally find out
And I promise that I won't hide
If you ever find my heart
And I swear that I would tell you
If I knew where to start...
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Red Rose
To wish all the hurt away
And thorns to prick me
Every day
One blossom red
To mock my shame
And thorns to prick me,
Take my blame
One more tear
I break not bend
And thorns to prick me
In the end.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
For the Sexually Abused Girls...
......... , . - . - , _ , .......
......... ) ` - . .> ' `( .......
........ / . . . .`.. . . .. ........
........ . . . . . . . . ........
......... .. . . . ./ . ./ .........
........... `=(.. /.=` .........
............. `-;`.-' ............
............... `) ... , ........
................ _.-' ........
............. ,_ .._,/ ........
....... , ..... .. .' .............
....... .. .. ,. / .............
.... ,....` /.,Y.., ............
..... '-...'-._..../ .............
......... >_.-`Y ..............
.............. ,_ ...............
................l..l...........
.................ll..........
.................ll...........
.................l/ ...........
................................
This is to show support for all the girls who have been raped, molested, or otherwise sexually abused.
*Kaida, death is not the answer, nor will it ever be. It will never happen again, this i promise.
rose from punkchique
Back By Popular Demand
so um, what else am i supposed to say?? all my friends *alright, my two friends, the only two i've got* are both on vacation at the moment out of state. woo for them. i'm stuck back here going to band rehearsals *she's making us march in the freaking middle of the day!!! for 4 hours!!! man, what is she, insane??? uhhh, yes* and working at my well paying and dreadfully boring job. anyone want to trade whatever the hell it is that they're doing for my life??? oh, yeah, here's the highlight of my summer: i'm starting my legendary campaign on both halo games. well, guess that's about it.
oh yeah, i was watching a psychology movie thing *just for you, annie, moive* and i figured out that there are some more things wrong with me. heh. not that i didn't know that already, but i found out the seperate names. well, guess that's it. so by popular demand *from the only person who comments on here anymore* i posted again. do you be happy now?????
Awaken and sing!
The last song we'll ever hear.
Strike the lightning in me
To touch the words that we fear.
Awaken and rejoice!
That the end is near.
Destroy all the life that we've known
All the life we've craved.
O, give me the power
And allow me to waste away.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Again and Again
Again and again.
I twist and cry as the knife goes in
Again and again.
I shiver and shake as the fear returns
Again and again.
I stop and wish I could tell someone
Again and again.
You don't know my name
You've got no one else to blame
Don't take it out on me
Look at your own shame.
We are nothing but twisted metal;
Melt me to perfection.
Wipe the tears from my eyes
Take the knife from my hand.
We should be able to live,
Not curse this barren land.
I don't want it to hurt anymore
And I wish for that again and again
But more than that
I wish for a friend.
Again and again
I wish...
Again and again.
Twist me, break me
Make me more than this.
I don't want to hate,
I don't want to hurt,
Can't let this fear consume me.
I want to lose the knife
And keep my life.
Shiver and shake
When I hear Your name.
Twist and cry
Throw the knife away.
Wipe my eyes,
Heal my cuts
And live another day.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
To the Pain
go here for some good links and more information.
Purple Passion?
why, when someone gets into trouble, are they in a jam? or in a pickle? how, exactly, would you get someone into a pickle? or into a jar of jam for that matter? and wouldn't most people like being in jam cuz they'd get to eat it?
why is kitty litter called that? i mean, it's in a box, so it's not really litter. or a litter of kittens for that matter.
i promise, i'm not on acid. i haven't even licked any stamps!!!!! i promise!!!!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Couldn't I?
Without remembering the past and the pain?
Couldn't I borrow just one golden day
To free me from these chains?
Couldn't I love just once in my life
Without pulling away from their touch
Couldn't my heart stop shaking in fear
And give up leaning on this crutch?
Couldn't I sing just once in my life
Without hating the way that I sound?
Couldn't I like the sweet melodies
That leave my heart in bounds?
Couldn't I laugh just once in my life
Without being covered with guilt?
Couldn't I listen to everything here
Without leaving me killed?
nice to know that some people found me. heh. kinda makes me feel warm and fuzzy like the fascinating cheese we found in the fridge...ah, sorry, i was helping with cleaning out the fridge and some of the stuff we found was just...well, let's say...interesting science experiments...
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Don't Leave Me
In this place where my thoughts consume me
Don't let me realize
All the things that I could do
Don't tell me
That none of this is real
Because I've felt it coming
In this place where words mean nothing
Please, don't leave me alone here
I don't want to do what I'm doing
Take the knife out of my hand
And don't leave me alone here.
and before people start freaking out, i didn't write this about me, it's about someone else. so chill. no worries, i only feel like this when i'm working. and i really hate my job. a lot. i hate it. but i love the pay. at least it's only for the summer.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Divisi
You must run
You must run!
You must save us!
There is no hope
No hope!
We are doomed!
And there is naught
We can do...
I must maintain this distance
We will kill them all!
The fools,
They see nothing
But pretend great knowledge
They deserve death
Tear them apart
Draw blood from them
Listen to their screams...
I must not allow them control
Come, taste of us
See the beauty
There are hidden things
We can show you
Come, come
Follow me into this veil
Of passion...
I must build a glass wall
This is what we deserve
We deserve this blood
Pouring from our skin
We deserve this pain
raging in our heart
We must not
Continue to live...
It only ever happened once, Kaida
It will never happen again.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Dudes
Friday, June 03, 2005
I'm Crazy
1) car
2) computer
3) xbox live
4) phone line
5) i hate begging off my mom
i actually like my job. so i think that i'm mental. and really, it's not bad. i just look stuff up, call people, and put it in an excel sheet. woohoo. and my team is really fun. they all make fun of each other. which is kool cuz i fit in just fine. and i'm getting paid $9.35 an hour. so that makes it all good. and i'm tired, so i can't think of anything else to say...oh yeah, go take my quiz! (if you know halo2...)
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Operation Poke, Day 9
anyway, the rest of the day i didn't spot the Pokel Beast or any of her minions. wait, that's not true. the PolyGamer was huddled down next to the planned entertainment at 11:45. it appeared to be absorbed in watching that most wondermous of games. the one, the only, Halo 2. however, i did not try to avoid this creature, for it doesn't cause any harm to any other wildlife (barring rocket launchers, of course). i approached the absorbed beasts, noting how they had managed a three way system link. like the Flood, they too seem to learn quickly.
over all, Day 9 was not a risky operation. Day 10 has the possibility though. Day 10 of Operation Poke begins at 7:30 AM CST on Tuesday, May 31. tune in next time to find out if i'm poked to death or if i manage to conquer the horrible Pokel Beast.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Silence and Isolation
What I cannot stop myself from doing
This self-imposed silence
Self-imposed isolation
I let it enter my heart
And rip everything to ribbons
So I taste the pain of nothing
And nothing interprets all to numb
My punishment, I no longer care
No longer feel
But my conscience still speaks
In words too hot to understand
But I do understand
I understand everything it says
(Over the years I've gotten good at hiding)
Words no longer mean communication
I'll speak in looks and motion
And whatever's trapped inside will not be free
So no one could trace it back to my prison
The one place where I'm the most happy
Behind bars and plunged in darkness
(The prison keeper never sleeps)
And I will never have the chance to run
From the inner things I keep denying
(Kaida, stop making it hurt so much)
And I know this is something I've never told you
Because I live in my self-imposed silence
But everything really does hurt me
No matter how much I pretend it doesn't
(I'm only saying this because i'm afraid to be alone)
Damn it all
Self-imposed isolation...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Exit Stage Whatever-leaves-this-place
Friday, May 20, 2005
Distortion
Such a failure
Is it really my consience
Or my own follish desire?
I can't even talk in a group
Or just let myself go
Because these questions pound
Through my head
And make me wish I was dead.
I can't sort out what's right
I know what she did
How she isn't sorry like she said.
And I know my loyalty will be
The downfall of me
And someday I'll regret this yet...
But how can I let her do that
To someone I consider a friend?
How could I face myself
After this all ends
If I stuck by what's wrong?
But the options are both bleak
And I'm scared to choose
Because what if I make the wrong decision
And we all lose?
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Soon
To say goodbye
And I promise that soon
There'll be no more tears in my eyes
So give me just this chance
To make it right
And I will, I will, I will
Make it all end
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Descriptions
currently, unhinged
how about one phrase?
effective- crazy, unhinged, and borderline psychotic- but effective, none the less
what colour do you think of yourself as?
grey
and what emotion does that colour make you think of?
regretful and tearful
what key would your song be in, majour or minour?
minour
what exactly do you think of haiku?
a challenge, but a little too structered for me
and yes, i would really like everyone to answer this. it doesn't just help other people to know you, but you end up knowing something more of yourself. and no one will make fun of anyone else, so no worries. that is if ya'll want to. (just for you, annie, you seem to say ya'll a lot)
*NOTE*
haiku is a form of poetry (yes, probably originating in Japan) that consists of three lines, usually with a 5-7-5 set up, sometimes varrying to 5-6-5. <---just because The Blonde One doesn't seem to know this, even though she's actually written it before, not that she remembers that...
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Mariposa
Fluttering in your dress of silk
Don't just watch fromt the side
Mariposa, don't cry.
Remember that you can fly
Lift your wings, Mariposa
Touch the stars and moon
The dream that called you is here
But if you don't dance,
Never take the chance, Mariposa,
How will you ever know?
Just because you've been rejected
It doesn't mean you're nothing.
Mariposa, you are beautiful
But if you let your wings be broken
You cannot be all that you are
So Mariposa, touch the stars
And the wind will guide you.
As it flutters your dress of silk
Don't just watch from the side, Mariposa
When will you dance?
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I Swear, One More Word...
With watching guys and makeup
Doesn't mean I don't feel like all girls.
And sure, sometimes I watch guys
But I'm not filling my life with that
Because I have more important things
To do with my time
Than worry about my hair and clothes
And what that dude over there thinks.
I wish people would stop assuming
That I'm gay because I don't flirt
And drool over all the guys.
It's not that I don't like them
Nah, it's not that at all
But I don't want to waste my time on
Those trivial and distracting thoughts
When I could be writing or playing music.
And because I don't waste this time
I come up with so much
(It's easier to listen to God when I can
Think Straight)
And I just don't want to allow myself
To open up to any emotions
Because that might make me feel
NORMAL
(And you know we can't have that)
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Help and Suspicion
and i'm sick of being held in such suspicion. i mean, i'm basically a good person. and my parents seem to think only the worst of me. like if i'd been skipping school (i was recently questioned on that), or if i secretly have a boyfriend and if i'm still a virgin, or if i'm telling the truth about my friends. geez, if they don't know me by now, i might as well give up trying to make them understand. i just can't believe some of the things that i'm being questioned over. it's like, i turned into a complete stranger overnight. and now they don't even seem to know me. and they keep pushing me away. man, it just hurts, a lot. and i wrote a poem about it, but i'm kinda freaked out about putting it on here cuz it has so much of me in it...and what i've been feeling...
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Dead Leaves
lately i've been on a nature high. which, before anyone thinks i've been smoking grass *ahem*, means that nature and the natural world has been on my mind instead of the usual introspection (the links for annie, and yeah, that was an insult...). and of course the nature i think of is autumn (cuz fall is such an unpoetic word, i know, i know, i'm such a romantic uh, just for those of you who have no idea what that's referring to) and winter. alright, here's the part where i give lease to my inner poet:
Whispers of the wind will touch my hair
And I'll visit you in the morning
Taste the autumn chill on the air
I wonder where I'll be going
anyways, i took an AP test that i absolutley failed yesterday. it was, of course, in my worst class, history. i pretty much gave up halfway through. i mean, it's not like i quit or anything (other people just wrote that they wouldn't write the essays and they didn't even try on the multiple choice) but i kinda just felt like it didn't matter anymore, ya know, that light headed feeling and nothing makes any difference, especially not school work. but i did enough to at least pass if they use a curve... which of course they won't cuz they hate us all and are planning on taking over the world one student at a time. or maybe that's just me.
in biology we get to dissect fetal (yes, again for annie) pigs. so since every other class has gotten to do it before us, and we still won't until friday, i smelled like the room and everyone else in biology: formaldehyde. which isn't really that bad, kinda like paint thinner. but i think that some of the chicks are gonna have problems with it cuz the pigs are pretty big, like just about to be born. and all i can think of is bacon. (i'm kidding! i'm kidding!) it's not that it bothers me, but i mean, we're gonna have to keep them around for two days. i think they might start smelling funny. like the stink bombs that the guys can't resist setting off in their lockers. except those are more sulfur and the...well, never mind, it's not like i'd know what something dead smells like *cough cough*.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Pyromania: Die By Fire
Sit in the burning house
Smoke creeps in teh room
Flames in a circle
And everywhere the heat
Orange and yellow fear
Spread arms to catch the fire
Twisting up the body
Start to scream in pain
Laugh and cry behind the wall
Flames leap higher
Have you ever wanted to die by fire?
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Shattered
Shattered, a picture of my life
And maybe it'll rain
But until then I'll watch the reflections
That show me the clouds
In shades of blue and black
I explode into a mirror shower
That rains pain down
Feel the wind, blowing coldness
But the air is so warm all around
And when the pieces hit the ground
No one will notice except me
That the mirror reflects back the clouds
As they are covered with rain drops
I'll bend to touch the pieces
And I'll cut my hand
So I'll drown slowly in a world of grey
Because the rain flooded me inside
And the last bit of colour you'll see of me
Will be the red of blood
On my hand.
the pics are links, yo
Friday, April 29, 2005
Blind?
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tears of the Future
and i guess that i'm a little more alone than i thought. so if i start crying or scream at the world, it's only because i don't understand why no one wants to hear the truth. and why people think that Christianity is "a joke." guess i should have realized...but whatever, my life was fine without people before, it'll be fine again.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
This IS Me Calm
thanks Reeser for the encouragement. it really is what i needed to hear. one of my other friends also whopped me upside my head when i said that. i just didn't think that it would matter...and now i know that it does. which makes me feel so peaceful and happy, and i'm so glad that i have people who care.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
To Kaida
Rip me apart!
Take your lies and burn.
I don't want the 'life' you give
And I don't want the shame
Because I remember you
All too well.
Kaida, your whispers are so soft
But that's how it started last time
I will not be pulled back.
If you think that I am so weak
As to be sucked in by desires,
Then my life has never meant anything.
But you know I am more than that
I have only one last thing to say:
Burn it into what's left of your soul,
I will never give in
I will never give up
Begone.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Admit
joy, i'm being kicked off the computer.
Monday, April 18, 2005
What We Have Become
Is it bad to want to have
Someone around who understands?
But then the question is
Does anyone really understand?
Is it wrong to want the answer
to be yes?
Is it wrong to want to talk
With someone who knows?
Please, couldn't the answer be no?
But it's so hard to find someone
Who can help and believe
Becuase there's so many out there
Who are lucky.
If someone's never lived with pain
And kept a secret in shame
Why should they pretend to be
One of us?
Because we live in the alleys,
In the dark, in the slums
And when we try to show what we used to be
All they see is
What we have become...
Someone reminded me of this poem and i went and dug it up. (isn't that nice? you've been promoted from Her to Someone!) but i guess this is kinda what i've felt lately too. alone and isolated cuz i didn't think that anyone would listen to me, and if they did, then they would hear the wrong things (ahem, like my parents...). no one seemed to listen to me asking for help, it all just came to them as me being a b-brat. (ha! i used a different word!) so i kept it inside. and despite what my dad says, it's not possible to always restrain yourself, or always focus the emotional flood on one target. sometimes it just explodes from within and then you gotta heal from it and help heal anyone who was around at the time. *thoughts to Error404* keeping it always inside makes me feel helpless and hopeless and i can't stand that. guess that's why i have a blog, to make sure that i don't keep everything hidden. (although it's easier when no one know's who i am, ANNIE! PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!)
P.S. my next post will concern me making fun of the prom. if this might offend you, that's too bad.
P.P.S. Annie, your poems are TOO really awesome and you can too rhyme really well!!!
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Bad Annie!
well, i successfully no longer want to kill myself all the time. which i'm assuming is good. now it's just refusing to be self-destructive. guess i kinda fell back a ways and started all that again. but it's getting better. what's pulling me out is the fact that someone i know needs to be prayed for. really bad. and i want to help her. but i couldn't help if i was trapped back in the dark times. so, yeah, i'm gonna blame her for making me want to live. but i guess that's a good thing to be blamed for.
one of these days i'm gonna figure out how to change the colours on here...
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Calling
The voices lie with sweet words
Those words are reality.
Taking the heart from me
Turn into a creature of rage
When I scream into the darkness.
Get trapped by the chains
And smoke fills my lungs
I'm going to choke and die
On those lies.
But I scream into the darkness.
Feel the red mist falling
Don't know why I shouldn't die
Except that I can hear You calling...
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Once Now
Hide from the clouds
The young chase the rainbows
Grow up, Moon-catcher
Thunder in my heart, hot and grey
Rain drops falling from my eyes
The young play with stardust
Grow up, watch the sunrise
Just wish for wings
But don't brush the clouds
...I could have touched the sky...
hmm, i think it sounds like i'm stoned. (and Reeser, you're so lucky that you get out of high school!!!) and, woohoo, i'm getting a job. at walmart. shoot me now.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Eternal Love
How could there be so much love?
When I have wasted my life
Hiding behind lies that I fed to myself
In arrogance I shamed myself
And told myself that I deserved better.
But I missed the love waiting
Even when I touched it years ago
I refused to let myself go
Sentencing myself to a life of misery.
And in my darkness and hate
I pushed away the only one who could save me
So why now am I loved?
In His eternal mercy I have been redeemed
All the pain cleared away
And when I pray I can feel Him holding me.
I struggle each time to hold back the tears
To stop the screaming in my heart.
Why should I be so loved
When I have touched the darkness and fallen?
When I refused His love and peace?
For each of us He has a plan
And His eternal love.
my computer's busted. which is not cool. and it's not that i take the quizes that seriously, but when i feel that they might be true, i just look inside myself to see why i think that....