Saturday, December 31, 2005

Pre-Cal

What it means, what it means, y=mx+b but other than that, take the 3rd root of pi and you might get the same thing...or cube the inverse of 125/3 and divide by 17...negative B plus or minus the square root of 4AC minus B squared all over 2A...then shade the graph to the side that makes it true...remember to use the dashed line and not the full one...then we must write the interval in, yes, interval notation, so we use the box and say that we touch -.6698 and positive infinity...but we can't really touch that so we have to use the logarythmic function with base 6.45 and X to the (X/8*3-7777) and then we can perhaps find what Y equals...pay attention now! it gets pretty complicated...

Friday, December 30, 2005

Sir Bean

Keep the lights burning
Keep the fire warm and bright
And keep the faith lit

I keep her, and you, in my prayers.

Monday, December 26, 2005

They Didn't Leave A Title

explanations of piety and unwillingness to come across in the wrong manner...hasn't the balance been fixed yet? the girl has no pity, but remorse aplenty, take our word for it, even when it sounds it, she doens't know what to say, is all. take a look for yourself, we've destroyed her, and we will never let her go. she fights, oh yes, she fights. she's had to to keep herself alive. but she cannot resist us, this urge. no pity, but guilt aplenty, enough to fill ten people completely. poor little girl, we don't care about her and she wants us to. pathetic in its simplicity and yet, we need her to stay this way, so we pretend to care. pretend to be there for her, when we are what she fears the most. just a kid...no, her thoughts come back in, they sound so young, becuase that's the age she'll always be...torment her with thoughts of the past and flashbacks...she wants them, though. the little girl has matured into a great masochist. we can do anything to her and she will not complain over much. just keep telling her how wrong she is, the girl won't fight it...won't fight...won't speak, say what you will...in this explanation we hold her truth and strength and weakness...and why she has scars across...like stars...like spears...like...silence...

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas Bells

all my tears, i dedicate to memory, memory of everything that we ever lost, everything that we could never have gained, all the pain and silence we suffered. all the good memories that are fading fast and we wish we could hold on to. all the bad memories that are clear as day. all the scarlet scratches and ruby drops that have followed angry words and pills that silence the voices for a short time. all the hope in the world to vanish the memories for just one day. may we all forget the past and future and live, for a brief instant, in a blissful present.

Why I should never write at 3 A.M.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

5 Snatches of Snow

I.
Let the snow fall
This blanket is the healing we need
It refreshes us
Each flake caresses us
Oh! Let the snow fall

II.
Flurry falling
Flakes flying
Faster! Faster!
Floating forever

III.
Little crystals of death
White harbingers of doom
They will devour us all!
Don't listen to their sweet whispers
Don't think them beautiful!
They only wait to slay us all!

IV.
Hush now
Sleep
The morning
Will never
Come

V.
The sun rises on drifts of white
The little girl had crept out in the dark of night
Never to return

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

TAGGED?!?!?

welllll, i was tagged by Sir Bean...mean old monkey...

If you are tagged copy and paste this into your diary and answer *all* of the questions..Then tag 5 more people

PRIDE What do you brag the most about? - um...that i'm in band, though it's not really bragging, more of a warning really, cuz in band, we're all crazy...

ENVY What is one thing a friend has that you always wish you could have? - without a doubt, a brother

GLUTTONY What's one food you cant say no to? - meh, i hate food, i only eat to keep my strength up

LUST How did you learn to masturbate? - this i would prefer not to go into

ANGER What or who always makes you angry and why? - this varies, mostly actions by other people that are just...unfair in some way, stereotypes, racism, people who look down on others for some reason or another...

GREED Name one thing you don't need to live with but would freak out to give up. - nothing really comes to mind, but the thing i'd feel the loss of most is...i guess...the internet...well, not even that, toss up between my blog and chat

SLOTH What's one chore you hate to have to do around the house? - meh...sweep and mop all the floors...i really can't stand that and i have no reason why...other than i can't stand it of course

people to tag? idk, if you want to take it, take it, i don't have anyone really that i can tag...i mean, i could say Shade, but i doubt he'd actually do it...maybe Pepsi Lover!! yeah! and AG if she feels like it...heh, or if ya don't then do it anyways!



i think i just destroyed the fragile friendship i had with someone...maybe when i stop shaking i'll feel better...

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

[i see it coming]
WE ALL FALL DOWN
[it's coming for us]
IRRESPONSIBLE HOODLUMS
[they can't see what they're doing]
YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
[they think this is right]
YOU AREN'T HEALTHY
[we are the creators]
LET US "HELP"
WE ARE THE CREATORS!

Monday, December 19, 2005

A Bit of Something/Nothing

been a while since i really posted about anything. here i am, at school, doing nothing...finals this week, and it's open campus and at the moment i have nothing better to do than post...sad, huh? jk, anyways...let's see if i can find anything interesting to post about...*ponders*

Unbeknownest to the shouting masses
In the heart of the grime and heat
Lies are spreading to the thoughts, the thoughts we hear
Do not speak in this shame
A rythm like a pounding heart
Beats through the head, the hands, the steel
Steal us all away into the memory
We are all forgotten in this moment of eternal pain
The heart is never something we had need of
How do we expect each other to sing...

sorry...that came out of no where...it's just been one of those months...all in favour of abolishing December, say aye. i swear, if this month gets any worse it'll be like...hell on earth...yes that did just rhyme, don't shoot the poet. well, i thought i had something to say, but i guess not...happy holidays and merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

They're All Fools

Don't be foolish
When someone drips black
It shows through the soul
Pour out of the mouth, it comes
Stains will never fade, oh heart song
False eyes proclaim jubilance
While hidden on a shelf is a knife
Mist of orange, pray, cover the shame
Terrible secret, terrible lies
How could you be so foolish
Remove the covering darkness
No other words will wrap around
Tangle of scratches, poet
False protector! Who do you pretend
In one scarlet minute you fall
Easy enough when the pain comes
Hard enough when there might be hope
Do not stand in the road, Shadow
Time waits for no one
There are only two choices


CHOOSE

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Not Face Value

Death to the righteous!
We all fail to stay silent
Mock me as you wish
Pathetic children!
I understand you too much
Your words TEAR ME APART
SO LONG I HAVE DIED
What is a true friend?
When everyone I know makes me die
And everyone makes me lie
Truth was overrated anyway
But MOCK ME you must
Because I offer myself for you
And your barbed arrows
STOP MAKING ME LIVE SHATTERED
I try to become better
And you STAND IN MY WAY
STOP IT
WE ALL FAIL TO STAY SILENT
DEATH TO THE RIGHTEOUS

Written towards Hayz


and before anyone flips out on me and goes psycho-fanatic, i mean death to the self-righteous. better then? good.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Rage against the pain
if this is light i want nothing of it
it's all over for me, it's all the same
falling into the darkness and embraces
ah, my chains, you have waited for me
ah, my fear, you have finally gone
consume me again, here is my heart
understand that this is not goodbye
this is merely the beginning, where i start over
and realize what i should have seen from the beginning
love is not real, it does not exist
i would have changed but that is no longer possible
all the tears are gone now, no feeling
ah, my echoes, you come to me again
so close and yet inside me all the same
ah, my destruction, my havoc, beauty in chaos
recover into what was safe before
please stay safe now, and forever remember
NO MORE

don't think worse of me for what has happened, Aodhan. i send you my luv

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Caffeine High

never drink more than your weight of caffeine...you'll start shaking and you won't stop for about...idk, roughly seven hours?? meh, i can't even remember what i did friday and saturday other than that i went to blitz...worked out...and worked at KK. and i talked to Shade! that was the other thing i did. yeah, i probably scared him cuz i was making no sense whatsoever, what with me having less than three hours of sleep and seven cups of really strong coffee in my veins.

uummm....today was whacked...filming a civil war trailer for class. and i'm not on speaking terms with anyone in that class really, so i got stuck with a bunch of preps (nothing else i can call them, much as i hate labeling). it wasn't too bad...we had maiming, death, and spies, so it really wasn't too bad. i wanted to be a random dead soldier, but i got to work the camera mostly instead cuz the other girl couldn't do it and since we had a group of four total, with two having majour parts, i was the "unwanted goth child who, of course, showed up in all black and who doesn't have a permit." however, on the up side of that... i brought the music and battle scenes, and i didn't show up with a hangover...

Lo siento por el sufrimiento.
Lo siento. Lo siento.
No más vida. No más muerte.
No más. No más.
¿Un cuchillo? ¿Dónde?
Dámelo ahora
Ahora, ahora, por favor,
Y esta noche hay termina.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Anarchy Grounds

and we will miss you, even though we have never met you. out of the craziness of the web we three found each other; friends? perhaps we are, i hope we are. and you won't even read this, but here is my tribute to you. your words will live on with us, missed, we wish you well, we wish you hope. so much hope. peace. happiness. continue on and live well, i wish you true happiness.

goodbye, and may the stars always shine for you

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Redefined

i think it's really funny how people look at me. i just happened to get into NHS (National Honour Society) and even the sponsor can't look me in the eye. gosh, am i their first pothic person? i mean, i'm not usually threatening and i do try to be civil to these people...iunno, maybe they're just not used to someone wearing all black having a GPA greater than 3.5 or somwat. *sigh* and i get the strangest looks in my other classes too, i mean, besides creative writing, i fit in there mostly. but i'm taking AP and honours classes, what is these people's problem with that?!? it's like i'm going to go ninja on them and slaughter people. hmph, geez, i didn't know that this bothered me so much. guess so. anyways...at least we have break this week.

happy almost-thanksgiving to ya americans.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Haiku

Have faith in the dark
Even when the stars don't shine
They light up the night.


*almost hugs everyone, restrains self but just barely* anyways...got a job! yay! money! at krispy kreme. free donuts! score! and a 50% discount! more score! and...um...right, so guess tis about it for now, but you can expect posts from me...*small smile* much hope and happy thanksgiving to all you americans out there

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Finally A Real Post

well, alright, guess i better do a real post or something. soooo, last saturday P86 played here. and of course, i had to go, cuz, well, they're my favourite band. and i get there and the price has changed, from 12 dollars at the door to 15. ok, pay that and just get inside, muttering about the illogic of the human brain...*mutters more* anyways, there are about 4 other bands also playing. it was...um...Mourning September, Number One Gun, Spoken...and um...*goes and looks it up* The Fold! that was it! well, alright, so i didn't pay much attention to the other bands ('cept Spoken, cuz, well, iunno, i just did). i was up in the mosh pit playing 'human ball'. which was interesting, but i only fell over once...bruised my wrist and thumb...but it was worth it. so yeah...finally, after sitting through some bands that were alternative main stream stuff (not that they weren't good, mind you, but i like different things, and they weren't even close...so similar to every other band!!!! geez) but anyways...after Spoken got done, P86 got ready...*sigh* good times...they were intense...and i mean intense...only the hardcore fans were left at this time (about 11 pm i should think...we'd been standing for about...iunno...5 hours?) so pretty much every person knew the lyrics and we were screaming them back. yup, good times those. meh, after the concert my ears were ringing and they felt like i'd shoved cotton into them. and i was dripping sweat, complelty soaked, and shivering. still good times. i kinda passed out in the car on the way home though, kinda tired...and a bit stressed from being packed into a confined space with so many people touching me *shudders* but...i kinda liked it...for the odd reason that i fit in. i wasn't the only person there in all black...with hobo gloves...screaming up into the face of the most intense singer ever (and before people start screaming at me...the most intense singer i'd ever seen, better? geeeez, relax). i wasn't kicked out, made fun of, given dirty looks. i belonged there. it was...pretty cool. not the kind of thing you really expect to find in a mosh pit...but anyways...

yeah, so after that and after i passed out in the car, i come to realize that i have bruises covering my entire body. ah, well, i still have them and they hurt, but it's good. (they've turned a nice shade of yellow and purple, quite lovely) <--that's a joke, btw

much hope friends and foes, much hope

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Mosh Pit and Shooting Star

well, i don't feel like doing a real post...so here's something to let you know i'm still out here...i'll get around to talking about the P86 concert i went to (heandbanging the whole way!!!) and the marching contest my band went to (like...concert band). well...guess that's it for now...keep the hope

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Grieving For the Innocent

do you even know what you are playing with? what fires lurk inside those gates, waiting to swallow you and drown your desperate cries? do you even understand one thing about the game you have chosen to play? do you know the rules? do you know what happens if THEY come for you? the demons with their soulless eyes are watching you dance closer and closer to the all-consuming darkness. and they want you. they want eveyone. if i could tell you what i saw the last time i was in there, if you could even understand the scars left on my spirit from that one encounter, you might turn away from your foolishness. the demons are waiting to be invited back in to the land of the dead, and will you be the ones to hold open the door and welcome them? will you allow the evilness to return so close to where you must sleep, eat, live? can't you even see what they want from you? they will choke you with their chains, lead you around as though you are an animal, break you of all your innocence. the innocence that eveyone so highly prizes in people of your age. i beg of you, all of you, do not continue with your plans! do not follow through with this foolishness! if you can even hear me at all, give me a minute of your time and take my words inside you! THEY will come. those that have the black eyes and voiceless promises of everything you have ever desired, but the road to their 'paradise' is paved with chains and barbed wire. the grasses are dead, the trees but skeletons against the stormy sky. oh, please, listen to me! do not leave my cries echoing into the silent void you have left behind! more than ever i wish that you would listen to me. that you would see what i mean! none of you know what you are doing! fight the thrill of darkness and come back to what you had before. come back to us, do not leave your souls resting in the land of the dead, your bodies but an empty husk. please, please, do not...

*for annie, tracey, and alex*

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Two Extremes

alright, i want everyone's opinion about this. why do people cry from both joy and pain? i have my own theory, which i'll share after everyone has said something. say whatever you like, i really am curious.

*****alright, before i state what i think, i thank everyone for your perspectives, they were all quite interesting and helpful. *grins* yes, even shade's.

ok, here it is (credit goes to Sm0kstr for the ideas and making me think about this) i'm putting the conversation on here that i had:

Sm0kstr: why do both pain and joy in great amounts produce the same thing?
ShadowL0R: joy because it is foreign to humans, so much light that there has to be some response
Sm0kstr: but why the same reaction as pain?
Sm0kstr: why not laughter?
Sm0kstr: or something unique to joy?
ShadowL0R: two extremes of tears...one is beautiful because it's like rain...it heals the land and cleanses it and makes it lovely
ShadowL0R: the other like rain, for in great force it destroys, kills, drowns

and that's what i think. don't even ask why we were talking about this, i don't really know either.

ensueños de sangre, esperanzas de muerte

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Shredded Wrists...

ah, back for now, not sure for how long...i'll update when i can but as of now, this blog is...uh...contraband or whatever you wanna call it. my stepdad walked out on us again...so...yeah...i was going to kill myself tonight, but suddenly i find that i have to take care of a younger child. she's only 13...i can't leave her by herself...no matter how much i want to just make it end...that story...uh...the two deleted comments on the post awhile ago....those were the link and disclaimer for my story...i was forced to delete them...and that's also why my blog no longer comes up in my profile...*ahem* yes, i found that option...but anyways...i was experimenting this morning with a plastic knife and my wrist...i've never cut my wrist before...probably one of the only things i haven't done...too noticable...but i have gloves (ya know, no fingers in them) that i can wear that cover it and i wear them all the time now, so...yeah...just adding to the pain i guess...i'll be putting links on here now...though maybe not to the same story...yes, i can still feel guilt, despite popular opinion, and that story...well...let's just say that if anyone at school found that and figured out it was mine...well...i'd be institutionalized...and that's...aww, you guys know what that would be like...*sigh* well...i guess that's it for now...i'll try to do more later...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Extrapolation of Interpretation

ya know, i've been thinking. where did the labels we commonly use today come from? some are easy to identify and some are just...obscure...well, here we go, everything you never wanted to know and could have lived your whole life without knowing about labels!!!!

let's start out easy, we'll do prep. hokay, so...

prep-from the preparatory school. literally, someone who is obviously well off. (ie, loads of $$, fancy clothes, nice car...etc) this is probably about being prepared to do well in the world. like, you know, good manners, etiquette...i believe 'prep' schools were originally for girls and such...which is why it is more likely to hear a girl called a prep. (iunno the date, i couldn't find any info on this one online, but i'd say dates back to...maybe...1700's? whenever the first school's for chicks were starting)

alright...how about something a little harder...

punk-this one is very interesting. one meaning i'll skip *ahem* it doesn't add to this. think of a punk stick. you know, the stick that you burn around the 4th of july (or whatever day you set off fireworks) to set the fuze on fire and the stick just keeps burning and burning and burning? well, that's where this comes from. a punk was originally "rotten, slow burning wood, used as tinder." (perhaps from ponk-living ashes) eventaully, the meaning became "something worthless; foolish or empty talk" (literally, something rotten) and there is where we get our punk. worthless and rotten people. nice, huh? (dates back to 1596)

well, then, moving on, let's try this one:

emo-if you asked me yesterday, i'd have said that it's from emotion. because you know those shirts that always say 'cheer up emo kid.' well, it's really an abbreviation for emocore or emotional hardcore. named for the bands in the mid 1980's, this is about deeeeeeep meaning, introspection, and connections to other people. so, yeah, you could say emotion, but isn't it more pointless to know this??? (dates back to mid 1980's, just in case you missed that)

alrighty, see? this isn't so bad...now...where were we...oh, yes, one i actually know something about

goth-right, i know about the lifestyle, but i don't know about the word. and everything i try to look up comes up in german. because...you guessed...the word goth originated in germany!!! you get a prize!!! anyways, ok, here's a guess, something to do with the achitecture in the renassiance. oh, wait, here's something. from the word used for the Germanic people who invaded italy and destroyed rome. also, refers to architecture based on the medieval ages. think gargoyles. and there is where you get the horror. also, a genre of writing (ie. Edgar Allan Poe) that involves horror, death, or the negative side of romanticism. (grotesque, mysterious, desolate) (dates back to mid 12th century, which is the 1100's)

sooo, what'dya think?? *raises eyebrows* feel free to correct me on whatever...or add...or just comment in general...or not...whichever you feel like at the moment. there's probably a trillion others that i missed, but i only did the most common ones. (i think we all know where loner and outcast come from) but, seriously, add!!! i'd like to compile a list of the origins and stuff...and if you wanna give me tips about the lifestyle, that's great too. *looks around* well, guess that's it for now.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Football-Away

last night was a football game...away in some little town that took us two and a half hours to get to on the bus cuz we left during rush hour. the bus ride wasn't so bad, i guess, i slept on the way down there...kinda...well, not really, i didn't sleep, i'm too paranoid for that. but it was ok. we got there pretty early, before the other band had played their alma mater...and guess what just joyous occasion we had to witness. why yes, it was that school's homecoming...good guess. *scowls* i don't like our homecomeing, why should we have to watch it somewhere else? the worst part was, all the maids wore the school colours...no pink, or orange, or red, or black, just green and white. and the chicks in white all looked like the were getting married...especially this one chick who's dress was, i guess, called a 'cinderella dress' so it was all big and poofy in the skirt area (one of the guard told me, i didn't know).

anyways, they finally get that over with *rolls eyes* and the band stopped playing their dorky love song. (i hope we don't have to play one this year...last year was pretty bad) but, this is their homecoming...you'd expect the stands to be loaded, right? well, not here. there was maybe, 150 people in those stands, including about 25 students. and their stands were made to hold, oh, iunno, about...800? so it was pretty pathetic. it looked like we had a better turnout. and we were much more spirited about it all too. they barely cheered for their football team...they cheered more for our band during halftime then they ever did for the team. there's just something wrong with that. but their band was amazing. constant motion charts...unique songs and sound...very good, very accurate...*ahem* sorry, yeah, anyways...

i don't know...it was a pretty good game (i'm just saying that cuz we won)...but the bus ride back was crazy. i was trapped talking with these two chicks (i swear, one of them is gay) about...prom...yes, that's right, prom. they were asking me what colours i thought they should wear (and what colour i should wear too, *rolls eyes* there is one decent colour out there, that being black...and red isn't so bad, but black is it. and i am not wearing any other colours...and they said i could wear a dress, but they must have caught the horrified look on my face...i'd never live it down, i'm serious...). i can't believe they got me to talk about it....*shudders* moving on, we went through a bunch of subjects such as why there is only one teacher in my school that everyone thinks is highly attracted to girls...and why every girl in the school feels this way...and why guys can be so rude (despite popular opinion this is not my fault, okay?!?!?!? i don't know!!! stop asking me!!!). but othere than that...twas pretty routine.

oh, yeah, i've written a stroy, so if you'd like to read it, tell me and i'll drop a link on here.

Monday, September 26, 2005

And It Became Silent

*sigh* and the silence filled to consume the world...each house filled with the mist of quiet...each person stopped to look at the darkness in the sky...no one knew what it was...and then...it was too late to run...the meteor crashed into the earth and knocked it out of orbit...and the silence became eternity...frozen moments of civilization clung to the frosted orb drifting aimlessly in space...a child staring in wonder at the sky...a man and woman holding hands and clinging to each other...and a tear left glittering for all eternity on the cheek of one who never cried...

Friday, September 23, 2005

I Know Who You Are...

and you should be afraid....very afraid!!! sir bean and annie, you are both hereby sentenced to death. just thought i'd put that on here for the record. I AM NOT A GOTH!!! *draws sword* i know where both of you live... *maniacal laughter* and i will find you! *storms off* i am not a goth!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME???? I AM NOT A GOTH!!!

*ahem* yeah, i think that's about it for now.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Create

Create your crystaline bubbles
I will always watch you float against the sky
Of your dreams
The sky of your hope and my pain.
You take the shine from stars
And wrap it up inside yourself to become brighter
Than the sun. I burn from your brilliance.
You. You fly so gracefully.
I aspire to be you and yet you are my death
Light as a shimmer, you taunt me
And you don't even know.
I admire your thoughts and voice
The way you catch the wind and rise so far
Even the clouds envy your freedom.
Silver streams of perfection waft past me
Dissapating when I touch them
They tangle in the trees and I find that
I hate the trees, who are pure enough
To hold your whispers.
I sit in the darkness and watch you
Everything i cannot be you are.
The sunlight caresses your body, lives
Within your eyes, haunts the brighter beauty
Of your crystaline bubbles.


yeah, sounds weird huh? anyways...*ahem* no good way to put this...i have never stated if i'm male or female...well, actually, i have, but twas last year i think...no...maybe...iunno...anyway, i haven't so uh, i could be either (if you know, just...shup, ok? *grins* i prefer to keep people guessing cuz if they know, they act different according to which they think i am...quite amusing really when i talk to someone really shallow). anyways...7 days 'til the new Project 86 CD is out!!! w00t!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Rewind, Fast Forward

It's some for one and one for some
An imperfect solution to a pressing problem.
It's dog eat dog eat the outcast.

We're sinking further everyday
To the pits of darkness. We trade our souls
To fit in with the world.

Ignore everyone but your closest companions
Keep telling yourself that it's okay.


well, i thought about adding more, but i couldn't think of anything. if anyone wants to add, feel free. school is long and tough, but i have creative writing one day and english the other so i think the rest of the year will be better than the last. (however, my english teacher is driving me insane, making fun of some of the essays that are perfectly fine in my opinion...not that my opinion counts...) anyway, i seem to have been thrown into the middle of something happening between two friends. it's kinda weird cuz i went through something similar last year...and it didn't end well. i s'pose that it's not really my concern, but i like both of the people (i know, shocking, me liking people) and it's just hard to see it happening to someone else.

guess that's 'bout it. better work on my homework or something...

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Antisocial

most people are...stupid. they are why the earth is dying. they are why some are being torn apart. they are why the dreamers and artists and musicians are called messed up rejects. they are why some are made into outcasts. they pretend to know what it means to be "real, normal, healthy." and yet, what exactly do those words mean? who is the exact healthy person who has never had a time in their life when something went majorly wrong and they got depressed or got so angry that they could have killed someone? and yet, for people who are different from the accepted "norm" these are reasons to lock them up and call them insane. who is the exact real person who has never tried to fit in to a group, who has never pretended to feel something they didn't or to mask their feelings? and yet, for people who are different, these are reasons to call them posers, fakes, mannequins, unreal people who don't really know who they are. could the truth be that no one could accept them for who they are? who is the exact normal person? what is normal? if we're all supposed to be seperate individuals, why is there a standard that we have to comply to or risk becoming an outcast? and then we are called loners, and no one will talk to us because we obviously just want to be alone, even though it was them who first pushed us to be this way. "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." THEY CREATED US, THEY CAN LEARN TO DEAL!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Blame Game

i think that i shall blame...Sir Bean! yes! tis his fault. mostly because...well, it just is. (ok, so maybe tis annie's fault cuz he's her bf and i see annie at school, but anyways...) so, now that i have that out of the way...

once i can think of something more interesting to say on here, i'll come back and edit...*fades away*

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Untitled

Voice raised to sing
Notes like glass to shatter and spill
...Crystaline thoughts and waterfall eyes...
...Crystaline eyes and waterfall thoughts...
A cascade of something infinite
To hold in a thimble
The key is nothing, something, nothing
Brass and gold patchwork quilts
Sail to my ship, my dreams
To the ocean again, to the smoke
The sulfur and glass...yellow?
Turns black
Lovely eyes, but the water is unpure
Living things wither and die
In water the colour of dirt.


er, the word sail is s'posed to be a noun, not a verb...everytime i write something like this i come out sounding stoned...*goes quietly insane* well, that was fun. i can't think of anything else to say. i wrote a highly disturbing essay for creative writing. *laughs like a...well, iunno what, but twas scary* anyways, the prompt was "is society(or just you) emotionally healthy?" i kinda went with the society one...and what, exactly, defines an emotionally healthy person?? that's what i want to know. *looks around* i want to say more, but i'm restraining myself, isn't that nice??

"Sorry I'm not your perfect angel,
Guess I'm just human after all..."

Monday, September 05, 2005

This is Me

there is nothing more than this music
this melody that wraps around me
there is nothing more than this
haunting rhythm.
lost in this music
i am not afraid, not ashamed
these notes soothe me
this is what i am
creature of music
it is where i go to hide
where i hear my lullabyes
and i will never release this
the notes comfort me, relax, breathe
take another step and wait
the next word is coming now
and i am here...

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Invisible Dream?

I fell asleep...
Motion flashed before my eyes
People, walking, laughing, talking
The noise was like thunder
They passed me, looked through me
I was invisible to them
At first I enjoyed this ability
But soon I regretted it
A person walked past, crying
And I wanted to say
Don't be sad, don't cry, you're beautiful
But I couldn't, because I was invisible
And no one would hear.
Another person walked past, angry
And I wanted to say
Don't be upset, will it matter in ten years?
But I couldn't, because I was invisible
And no one would hear.
I looke around frantically
Looking for anyone who could see me
But there was no one.
I screamed into my silence
And none turned to look.
Tears ran down my face and my breath caught
I felt something shatter...
I feel asleep.

alrighty, now that you've read it, go back and read it again, 'sept this time, replace the word 'asleep' with 'awake'. and yeah, i'm serious, read the whole thing, it gives it an entirely different meaning...


k, then. i wrote that at school (big surprise there, huh?). well, wasn't that pointless information. anyway, i finally saw national treasure. it wasn't bad. not a brilliant movie, but not bad, in the long run, 'course i would have like it better if the bad guys won...but that's just me (the book the humanoids ends with the bad guys winning...well, kinda...well, it depends on your point of view, really...aww, never mind). so i finally have some idea what BFG is talking about...well, mostly. on those ones about the movie anyway. the rest are just kinda like a guessing game. btw, i stopped playing guess that blog...*looks around blankly* i think i'll go eat everything in the fridge. that doesn't move.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Immerse Myself Forever

Beat against the walls of me
They want in
Those voices and people I heard
Those thing that were in my head
Those lies that I listened to
Screams to be torn from me
Wretched agony to burn me again
Like an invisible acid
I fight forever to not go back
Because I want no more of it
I reach inside myself and breathe
The cool warm light soothes me
And I apologize for running so long
I can barely hear the pounding now
But I immerse myself in the
Pool of amazing wonder
And I hear no more.


i have another poem i like, but it hasn't got a title, so i don't wanna put it on here. cuz then it messes with my sidebar and then i have to go play with the HTML code, not that it isn't fun, mind you, but i have an amazing amount of homework. which is actually what i'm s'posed to be doing right now. ah, well, whatever. i was just blogging and well, yeah. you can see how much time i have on my hands...anyways...the one really interesting thing that happened today was that i started crying in creative writing. HEY, THERE WAS A REASON!!! this one guy wrote something that pretty much just...well...it was...yeah. it was everything that i wanted to say, but was too afraid to let anyone know...and the way he wrote it was just amazing. and i cried that hour and some of the next. man, i hope that no one noticed...i asked this one girl if it looked like i'd been crying (cuz girls are pretty good at catching stuff like that *shuttup annie*) and she said no, so maybe no one noticed...but i think that my teacher did. well, if he wants to say something to me, there's not much that i can do about it...guess i'll do my homework now...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Disillusioned Immortality

the point of this is not to make anyone mad at me...or maybe it is, i haven't had a brilliant arguement in a while...er, just kidding. anyways, i was just looking through some e-journals (*less than three*) and well, alright, dude, i agreed with the school stuff. that's all good.

"People who know they can die are more responsible."

i just can't agree with that. speaking from experience (no, annie, i'm not like this anymore, relax) i wanted to kill myself. i knew that i could. it made me exteremly stupid in doing a lot of stuff that i should't. i didn't take care of myself, i purposfully did things that could kill me. not often, but enough. i knew that i had the choice to kill myself or let myself live. the thoughts i had were way less than responsible. i know some other people who are/were like that. why do people make kids think that they're safe? to protect them from the truth, that we are all frail humans. that anything can kill us. that we are the most fragile creature on this earth. not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. people want to protect the young for as long as they can. alright, i admit that this isn't a brilliant idea. everyone wants to be free to make their own decisions. but can you imagine telling a 4 year old that they could get smooshed by a car? two things might happen: one) they laugh insanley because it's not yet real to them or two) they become afraid of everything. that's why there are rules that are drummed into almost every child. look both ways before you cross the street (so you don't get dead, that's the rest of the sentence).

what's the percentage of people in america who kill themselves? how about this hemisphere? how about internationally? these people know that they can die, yet they are irresponsible with this knowledge and use it to end their own lives. (i can empathize, don't think that i'm mocking these people, i truly know how they felt)

well, i think that's it. *ahem* everyone, feel free to tell my why i'm wrong...so i can post a comment to you that consists of the words HAH and HAH. jk. anyway, leave me comments, for real. (BFG, wth is with the mammy thing???)

oh, yeah, one other thing, what's everyone think about my new colour??

IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO THE SPAMMERS ARE, I'M GONNA STRANGLE THEM!! I'M SERIOUS, EITHER LEAVE A NAME AND A MESSAGE THAT MEANS SOMETHING (at least not obvious that you copied and pasted it) OR JUST STOP LEAVING COMMENTS!!! NO ONE WANTS TO VISIT THEIR BLOG AND FIND A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS TRASH IN THE COMMENTS AREA!!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

...?

i can't honeslty think of anything to say...school is giving me sooo much homework. um, i'm in creatvie writing and it's really fun especially since the guy i sit next to is pretty funny. well, i guess that's all for now, when i can actaully think of something worthwhile to say, i'll say it, but til then, remember me!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sadness of a Friend

I'm tearing myself apart
For how stupid I've been.
I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.

I'm taking that advice
And I promise that I'll try.
Yeah, you got through to me
So please, just don't cry.

I know it's not logical
To swallow a battery
But I thought that it could
Maybe help to set me free.

I promise I'll call you
If I get that close again
Because I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.

Dedicated to Annie
dammit, annie, wth?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

The Note

I'm so tired of being alone
I just want it to end
I know that I'm a horrible person and
I'm sorry for that.
I'm scared to die but
I'm sick of living a lie
And hiding all the pain inside
I never promised that I would live
I just said I'd try
And I really did.
People say suicide is selfish;
Perhaps it is if someone would miss me
But no one would.
I wanted help, but no one listened
Now I just want it all to end.

Help me
or
Let
Me
Die!

i want to kill myself. i want to die in the most painful and bloody way possible. i want to finally let everyone know that i'm not the quiet one who keeps to themselves. that i would destroy everything if i had the chance. that if i could get the courage to kill myself, i wouldn't waste any time doing it. i almost did today. almost. i wish i had. i'm sick of living with this pain and i want it to end. the part that gets me is that i don't really wish my body any harm. it's more the fact that i just want to feel the death creeping in on me. i want to know that i'm destroying myself. but i can't destroy this body because where would the voices go then? they don't want me to die, but one of them sure wants my blood. all the time sometimes. mostly when i'm at school. where, of course, there's nothing i can do to act on that, unless i can get a knife and get it into the bathroom and end things there. but, and this may seem irrational, i don't want to die anywhere that someone could find my body and have their life ruined by it. i mean, just because i'm all fucked up doesn't mean that other people deserve the same thing. i guess that's the reason i'm still living (and i haven't beaten halo on legendary yet, yes that is something that i'm living for). but i want to die. i hate myself. i fucking hate myself. and there's no one that i can talk to about it without screwing their life up too. people have their own problems, they don't need to hear mine. (this is the exeption, my OD is just poetry pretty much, this is where i can say stuff like this) guess that's it. i hate myself. i reasearched the battery thing more and it says that small batteries like watch batteries and hearing aid batteries won't kill you. (there's a whole page dedicated to this topic, quite interesting actually) now i'm just wondering...russian roulette. there's a 50/50 chance that the battery would burst inside me and burn me with the acid. i want it. i've hit myself, cut myself, done stupid things to hurt myself, but i've never swallowed a battery before. i think i know where one is too. now i just want to know when the acid might hit me. i'd prefer the middle of the night when no one would notice and drag me to the hospital. 50/50 is pretty good. i like it, the fear that it might burst and might not. it's funny, in a way, i like to control things about myself, but i'd rather leave this to chance. and hope that it bursts.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Maze

Do not get lost
In this maze that you've built
As the faces appear
And fill you with guilt.
The walls rise up
Until they can't go any higher
And they're made of your fear,
Shadows, and fire.

I see you tremble inside
As you make a decision:
You vow to change
The way that you're living.
But the path never ends
So you hold the knife closer.
How you would change
You never knew for sure.

And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.

You take a wrong turn
And freeze in place
To meet the wall of memories
In front of your face.
You turn around quickly
But you've been boxed in
And you scream one last time
Before you face yourself again.

And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.


I wrote this a while ago. i'm just being lazy and i didn't want to talk about school, so i dug through an old binder. actually, it's not that old. i wrote it last month i think. or something. anyways, keep breathing, and remember me.

Friday, August 19, 2005

First Cut

Taste the salt of my tears
I fear what I want to do
So filled with hate that I couldn't
Stop
Touch the smoothness of my death
The sharp corners that turn light
To darkness
Hear my sobs before
And after I can't stop
Laughing
The smell of incense and smoke and
Sulfur
I burn in my own personal hell
Echoes of his voice taunting me
So I cut through them
Cut as hard as I can so the sound
Dissolves to my blood
Laughing so hard with tears in my
Eyes
I shatter the shell of my heart
And become numb
The day darkens and I hear
Laughing from inside.


yay, i am now officially in creative writing. i got to write this and not worry about the teach turning me in to the counselours cuz he didn't take them up. prompt: the first time we did something, but it couldn't be school. well, obviously i chose the first time that i cut myself. depressing yes, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i haven't been able to think about much but the knife i hid anyway. so that worked vaguely well. i really think that this year will be kinda fun, i have a pretty good schedule soooo, if i can care this year, i should raise my gpa a lot. and i happen to be with the band, so i no longer have to say that i am completely alone on friday nights. which is good. at least it gets me out of the house.

anyway, today was the first day of school. damn principal. he invited all the parents to attend with us. yeah, right. mine were like, awwww hell no. not that they actually said that, but it was pretty much the same. sooo, we got free lunch and an hour and something to eat it. and only 25 minutes in each class. kinda funny watching the teachers already nervous about school trying to get through the syllabi in that short a time.

my dad also started spazzing on me tonight. our computers are hooked together and we were trying for a network, but we didn't get that yet. i'm hooked up to his DSL box, so if he unplugs that, then i'm offline too. well, he unplugged it, and i asked him to not (i thought i was pretty polite about it). but he said something like, sorry to bother you, and slammed the cords back into the box. geez, wtf? and they said that they'd come to the game tonight. but, of course, they didn't show up. whatever. guess i didn't want them there anyway. damn parents.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Beat the Wall

I beat the wall and scream aloud
To hide what is within me
And even though the blood runs down
I turn against myself again
To kill the only living part of me
That happened to survive
And I turn again to darkness
And the light blinds my eyes
Pain is the only sound I fell
Fell so far and I wanted to run
But there was not choice of that
I look upon the scars each day
To see if they will fade
I want to die and scream
For everything that I ever thought
Was mostly false and pain remembers
The way I was and what I knew
Back before I thought this way
Back before I fell into the darkness
I want to cry but tears mean blood
And blood means that death is there
Take this knife from my hands
And rip my heart out because I can no longer move
Or speak or wish for help
There is no help for the likes of me
No one would listen to the voices I know
Whisper to me what you will
There are three and I am one
Who am I to deny them what they wish
For I am not always that strong
And I want to let them control it all
So I scream and hit the wall.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Blackness in the Centre

I. Before the Storm

Bury me at twilight
Because I crave the dark wind
Whisper to me wonders
Of the kind that never end
When I am nothing more than ashes
I will sing again...
But til then
Allow the stars to shine forever.


II. The Storm

I die every time I take the knife
KILL ME
KILL MY DREAMS
KILL EVERYTHING THAT I'VE WORKED FOR
I AM NOTHING
MAKE ME NOTHING
TAKE THIS BLOOD
TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME
TAKE MY SOUL
YOU WANT IT
LET THE BLOOD FLOW FROM ME
I SCREAM EVERY TIME I CRY
AND THIS BLOOD IS MY LIFE
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
FOR I AM NOTHING
AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF ME
BUT THIS BLOOD I HAVE
SLIT MY ARMS WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE
SO I RUN FROM YOUR EYES
AND I AM NOTHING MORE THAN THIS
I die every time I take the knife


III. After the Storm

I will wait for the silence
And I shall not be torn away
When the blood runs down my arms
Into the vortex I allowed to be.
I will listen for the quiet
And my heart will beat again
When the whispers no longer coax me
Into making the ultimate decision.
Is it life or death?
And would anyone really care
If it was the latter?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

To Label Ourselves

well, i finally got my schedule straightened out. not that it matters or anything. but whatever. this year should be pretty easy. if i can make myself care enough to try...unlike last year.

well, kids, today's topic is labels!!! and not that kind you find on glass bottles!!! i looked goth up in the dictionary. i can't be a goth, i'm not german. course, i can't be much of anything (thought i'd say that before someone else did). but uhh, the encyclopedia says something else entirely. but that leads to more labels and i have now at this moment desided that it's not worth it to follow all of those links. however, neither of these things lets me understand what being a goth really is. i've been called that, often, and i don't really know why. just because i wear all black? or is there something else? i don't know. and what about punk? what is that? the dictionary didn't help, and the encyclopedia didn't either. so, what is that exactly, because what i thought of as punk was listed under goth...geez, i am so confused. hmm, i tried prep. i won't even put a link to the dictionary, it was useless. these things just aren't the definitions i thought they were. prep doens't sound like a derogatory word, but that's the only way i hear it used. as is goth. i guess all labels are just meant to be mean. to classify one person as something or other. because that person or group of people upsets someone and they must have a word to describe it. i'm guilty of using labels too. i think just about everybody is.

humans fear the strange and unknown. it must be qualified, labeled, and set aside. this makes us feel better, but it doesn't change what we have labeled, it changes us.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

So I'm Lazy...

ahh, i haven't written anything recently. poem-wise that is. tried to work on one, but i couldn't think of anything that rhymed with death besides breath and meth (crytal that is), but those don't work, soooo....i'm trying not to post anything exeptionally suicidal on here. or dark. or creepy. wait...i am those things...damn. ahh, well, i challenged a guy to a game of halo. he says he's very good. i say hah. soooo, i guess i'll practise a little on that. or a lot. i can't get passed this one point in the first game (legendary) and it's driving me insane...

crap. i wish i didn't have to hide what i feel. and that i didn't have to worry about what i would do to other people if i told them. and that i hadn't started a whole nother journal thing becasue i was afraid for people to know. but they do know. they just don't say anything. and it's so obvious what i am. sometimes it's just pointless for me to stick around on this earth. and i keep a knife in my room. lies, all lies. and i live them. and wish that they were true, sometimes. or that i could at least go one day and not feel guilty for drawing my next breath. guilty for everything i've put everyone through. and all i have left to say is...i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for the way that i am. and i want out, but it's so far and i can't reach, i can't touch the door
and it's the last thing i'll ever say to you
if you'll give me the chance to speak
everything that i've said and every tear
every wasted breath that spoke a lie
that denied the obvious blaring truth
would kill my soul more than you'll ever know
and i'm sorry for being this way
so i could tell you one day about the stupid things
i'v done and the lies i've said
i'm sorry forever, and it's all my fault
that my world is going to end.

well, so much for not posting anything depressing anymore...damn it.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Wishing Well

Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
Drop a penny in
Wait for the water to still
Shattered dreams to rings
Around the moon I'll sing
Drift into a dream land
Where mist consumes my every action
Stars to glisten and tear me apart
To whisper inside me...
To whisper...
In my heart.
Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
The ripples slow...
And the water is still.


hmm, i'm pretty certain it sounds like i'm on something. what is it with writing about anything dreamlike or naturey that makes me sound high? anyway, i welcome everyone and scream (alright, just think) my happiness that someone besides annie has commented. (no offense annie, but uhhh, yeah, i'll leave it at that) well, is everyone ready to head back to school??? *ducks as rocks are thrown* hey!!! it was just a question!! well, at least no one has to put up with She Who Says We March Outside In The Middle Of the Day (aka mrs gale) for next week. then i work, then i scream at the stupid counselor cuz she couldn't get my schedule right...again...for the 4th time (or is it the 5th...?). then i work more. then i have an emotional breakdown (always good to plan ahead) and then i can go back to school and quit this damn job. it's not that it doesn't pay enough, i think it's great! but, uh, i hate people, and i hate calling people, and i just hate having to work with people in general (present company excluded course). and i'm really just sick of it. at least at school, people don't ask me what i did to my arm...or if they do, they accept some lame excuse or whatever. i uh fell down the stairs and uh i was also carrying a knife and uh i have a cat. yeah. hmmm, well, wasn't this fun and exciting??? no??? yeah, i didn't think so.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Here's Something Shocking

i hate it when people harass me, damn it! so i'm not like everyone else!!! big fat hairy deal!

Shocking Facts:
1. I have never had a date
2. Nor do I want one
3. I hate $$
4. I do not wear stereotypic clothes (ie, skirts for girls, button downs for guys)
5. I do not have a car
6. I am not rich
7. I don't care what anyone thinks about me
8. I am a Social Outcast
9. If any of this bothers you, cram it up your-

Monday, August 01, 2005

Destroy A World

Threads in a tapestry
Woven together in rain
The green grass grows
To cover the pain
Lava bowling just below
The calm surface of Earth
Start to spin faster
To finish the death

Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space

The surface crumbles
The orbit is gone
And the Earth is left
To move rushing on
Too many stars
To keep her bound here
She's free
Now she has nothing to fear

Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Annie

I wish that I wasn't guilty
Of hiding what I am
That I showed people what they wanted
And kept the rest of it in
I wish that I could say
That I was truthful with you
But I can't let you know
The pain I'm going through
It takes so much of me
To keep writing this down
So please think kind things
When you finally find out
And I promise that I won't hide
If you ever find my heart
And I swear that I would tell you
If I knew where to start...

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Icons










<>
stolen from punkchique

Red Rose

One red rose
To wish all the hurt away
And thorns to prick me
Every day

One blossom red
To mock my shame
And thorns to prick me,
Take my blame

One more tear
I break not bend
And thorns to prick me
In the end.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

For the Sexually Abused Girls...

....................­...............
.....­.... , . - . - , _ , .......
......... ) ` - . .> ' `( .......
........ / . . . .`.. . . .. ........
........ . . . . . . . . ........
......... .. . . . ./ . ./ .........
...........­ `=(.. /.=` .........
...........­.. `-;`.-' ............
........­....... `) ... , ........
............­.... _.-' ........
............­. ,_ .._,/ ........
....... , ..... .. .' .............
.......­ .. .. ,. / .............
.... ,....` /.,Y.., ............
..... '-...'-._..../ .............
.......­.. >_.-`Y ..............
......­........ ,_ ...............
.....­...........l..l...........
.........­........ll..........
..........­.......ll...........
.........­........l/ ...........
.........­....................­...
This is to show support for all the girls who have been raped, molested, or otherwise sexually abused.

*Kaida, death is not the answer, nor will it ever be. It will never happen again, this i promise.
rose from punkchique

Back By Popular Demand

alright, alright, i'm posting, is this better???? anyway, i got a new computer, and before people start cheering for me *cue chirping crickets and dead silence*, let me just say that it took 4 paychecks to get it. i wanted a computer from wal-mart, a cheap one, like $3 hundred or something. well, my parents took me to best buy and i went to look at the games, cuz well, there'a new one for xbox *destroy all humans!!!!!!!!! oops, sorry* and i wanted to play it. i left my mom alone for no more than a half hour, and she had spent 15 hundred dollars!!!!! *flying cows, i don't even have that much in my account!!!!* alright, so it's a really feaking nice computer, and i got three games for it, but still, i mean really, that's just a little over the top. but i'm not complaing. faster than the other two computers that i have access to.

so um, what else am i supposed to say?? all my friends *alright, my two friends, the only two i've got* are both on vacation at the moment out of state. woo for them. i'm stuck back here going to band rehearsals *she's making us march in the freaking middle of the day!!! for 4 hours!!! man, what is she, insane??? uhhh, yes* and working at my well paying and dreadfully boring job. anyone want to trade whatever the hell it is that they're doing for my life??? oh, yeah, here's the highlight of my summer: i'm starting my legendary campaign on both halo games. well, guess that's about it.

oh yeah, i was watching a psychology movie thing *just for you, annie, moive* and i figured out that there are some more things wrong with me. heh. not that i didn't know that already, but i found out the seperate names. well, guess that's it. so by popular demand *from the only person who comments on here anymore* i posted again. do you be happy now?????


Awaken and sing!
The last song we'll ever hear.
Strike the lightning in me
To touch the words that we fear.
Awaken and rejoice!
That the end is near.
Destroy all the life that we've known
All the life we've craved.
O, give me the power
And allow me to waste away.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Again and Again

I twist myself and hit the wall
Again and again.
I twist and cry as the knife goes in
Again and again.
I shiver and shake as the fear returns
Again and again.
I stop and wish I could tell someone
Again and again.

You don't know my name
You've got no one else to blame
Don't take it out on me
Look at your own shame.
We are nothing but twisted metal;
Melt me to perfection.
Wipe the tears from my eyes
Take the knife from my hand.
We should be able to live,
Not curse this barren land.
I don't want it to hurt anymore
And I wish for that again and again
But more than that
I wish for a friend.
Again and again
I wish...
Again and again.

Twist me, break me
Make me more than this.
I don't want to hate,
I don't want to hurt,
Can't let this fear consume me.
I want to lose the knife
And keep my life.
Shiver and shake
When I hear Your name.

Twist and cry
Throw the knife away.
Wipe my eyes,
Heal my cuts
And live another day.

Just to Update

here's some more links on the 'gay' camp.

another investigation.
Zach's blog in the news

Sunday, July 03, 2005

To the Pain

read this and tell me that it isn't wrong. some people can just be so sick minded. and then to pass their evilness on their children...it's just so digusting. and i am a Christain, but this is blasphmey, pure and simple. what do these people hope to gain??? we need to do something about this. and it can't wait, it must be now!

go here for some good links and more information.

Purple Passion?

why is it that people never say they love something with a purple passion? what is it about the colour purple that inspires people to hate? (except for the fact that it's usually matched with pink and who doesn't hate pink...but i digress) why is it that it's only possible to hate something with a purple passion?? hmm, another mystery of life.

why, when someone gets into trouble, are they in a jam? or in a pickle? how, exactly, would you get someone into a pickle? or into a jar of jam for that matter? and wouldn't most people like being in jam cuz they'd get to eat it?

why is kitty litter called that? i mean, it's in a box, so it's not really litter. or a litter of kittens for that matter.

i promise, i'm not on acid. i haven't even licked any stamps!!!!! i promise!!!!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Couldn't I?

Couldn't I cry just once in my life
Without remembering the past and the pain?
Couldn't I borrow just one golden day
To free me from these chains?

Couldn't I love just once in my life
Without pulling away from their touch
Couldn't my heart stop shaking in fear
And give up leaning on this crutch?

Couldn't I sing just once in my life
Without hating the way that I sound?
Couldn't I like the sweet melodies
That leave my heart in bounds?

Couldn't I laugh just once in my life
Without being covered with guilt?
Couldn't I listen to everything here
Without leaving me killed?


nice to know that some people found me. heh. kinda makes me feel warm and fuzzy like the fascinating cheese we found in the fridge...ah, sorry, i was helping with cleaning out the fridge and some of the stuff we found was just...well, let's say...interesting science experiments...

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Don't Leave Me

Don't leave me alone here
In this place where my thoughts consume me
Don't let me realize
All the things that I could do
Don't tell me
That none of this is real
Because I've felt it coming
In this place where words mean nothing
Please, don't leave me alone here
I don't want to do what I'm doing
Take the knife out of my hand
And don't leave me alone here.


and before people start freaking out, i didn't write this about me, it's about someone else. so chill. no worries, i only feel like this when i'm working. and i really hate my job. a lot. i hate it. but i love the pay. at least it's only for the summer.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Divisi

What need have I of emotions?

You must run
You must run!
You must save us!
There is no hope
No hope!
We are doomed!
And there is naught
We can do...

I must maintain this distance

We will kill them all!
The fools,
They see nothing
But pretend great knowledge
They deserve death
Tear them apart
Draw blood from them
Listen to their screams...

I must not allow them control

Come, taste of us
See the beauty
There are hidden things
We can show you
Come, come
Follow me into this veil
Of passion...

I must build a glass wall

This is what we deserve
We deserve this blood
Pouring from our skin
We deserve this pain
raging in our heart
We must not
Continue to live...

It only ever happened once, Kaida
It will never happen again.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Dudes

my mom was highly uncomfotable with the quizzy thing i took, so i deleted it. any advice what my new addy should be?

Friday, June 03, 2005

I'm Crazy

Top 5 Reasons to Keep A Job
1) car
2) computer
3) xbox live
4) phone line
5) i hate begging off my mom

i actually like my job. so i think that i'm mental. and really, it's not bad. i just look stuff up, call people, and put it in an excel sheet. woohoo. and my team is really fun. they all make fun of each other. which is kool cuz i fit in just fine. and i'm getting paid $9.35 an hour. so that makes it all good. and i'm tired, so i can't think of anything else to say...oh yeah, go take my quiz! (if you know halo2...)

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Operation Poke, Day 9

after arriving in the wilderness, i managed to find a small oasis away from any wildlife and other predators. however, in only ten minutes i spotted that horrible terror known as the Pokel Beast. it entered the wilds and stopped to smell the wind, glancing around the other creatures and searching the area for it's prey. not spotting anything poke-able, it wandered down a well worn path to it's lair away from lair. i, being the trained explorer that i am, ducked and covered in the oasis and hoped that it hadn't seen me. the Pokel Beast is vicious when provoked, almost impossible to get rid of, and very easily injured. sending one mean look it's way may cause it to have a hernia and die. i do not believe in destroying the surrounding wildlife, no matter how annoying it may be.

anyway, the rest of the day i didn't spot the Pokel Beast or any of her minions. wait, that's not true. the PolyGamer was huddled down next to the planned entertainment at 11:45. it appeared to be absorbed in watching that most wondermous of games. the one, the only, Halo 2. however, i did not try to avoid this creature, for it doesn't cause any harm to any other wildlife (barring rocket launchers, of course). i approached the absorbed beasts, noting how they had managed a three way system link. like the Flood, they too seem to learn quickly.

over all, Day 9 was not a risky operation. Day 10 has the possibility though. Day 10 of Operation Poke begins at 7:30 AM CST on Tuesday, May 31. tune in next time to find out if i'm poked to death or if i manage to conquer the horrible Pokel Beast.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Silence and Isolation

As if it all wasn't quiet enough before
What I cannot stop myself from doing
This self-imposed silence
Self-imposed isolation
I let it enter my heart
And rip everything to ribbons
So I taste the pain of nothing
And nothing interprets all to numb
My punishment, I no longer care
No longer feel
But my conscience still speaks
In words too hot to understand
But I do understand
I understand everything it says
(Over the years I've gotten good at hiding)
Words no longer mean communication
I'll speak in looks and motion
And whatever's trapped inside will not be free
So no one could trace it back to my prison
The one place where I'm the most happy
Behind bars and plunged in darkness
(The prison keeper never sleeps)
And I will never have the chance to run
From the inner things I keep denying
(Kaida, stop making it hurt so much)
And I know this is something I've never told you
Because I live in my self-imposed silence
But everything really does hurt me
No matter how much I pretend it doesn't
(I'm only saying this because i'm afraid to be alone)
Damn it all
Self-imposed isolation...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Exit Stage Whatever-leaves-this-place

and we have four more days of school!!!! wooooohoooooo! no more sitting in seminar with the Queen of *insert bad word here.* no more dealing with annoying leeches that can't take hints! no more lectures, notes, and homework! yessssss! i personally consider it a victory that i still have snatches of sanity left right now. especially after the dissection. that was fun...we poped the eyeball. and the brains were mush. and my group had like the best pig and we named it Wilbur (although it happened to be a girl...). and i never have to go to algebra again after tomorrow! yeahhhh! (if you can't tell, i happen to be jumping for joy) oh, yeah, after about a week and a half, i have successfully beaten Halo and Halo2. (Halo2 took about 4 days) has anyone ever noticed how theraputic shooting aliens with plasma pistols is? how about rocket launchers? or maybe....shooting down banshees and the like....sorry, my Halo brain kicked in. and i can't wait for Halo3!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 20, 2005

Distortion

perhaps i have been seeing everything through a shade of black. but i don't feel like it's a box. i see a hole that i cannot avoid. that always manages to drag me down and back into the everlasting night. and that may sound a little poetic (so sue me, i'm a poet) but it really describes it for me. sometimes i'm so afraid that i'll never get back...and i so much want to be in the light. but i can't seem to keep from going there. something always happens to get me down. but recently i've been okay. right up until now. something happened between two of my friends. one (whom i shall call Trista) has given a valiant effort to be nice to my other friend (whom i shall call Allisen). but "Allisen" hsn't even tried to be civil. she even hurt "Trista" physically, sure she said she was sorry, but she wasn't really and that was obvious. the obvious answer is to ditch "Allisen" and all that. too bad that i can't convince my mind to do that. the problem is, "Allisen" has been my friend for almost three years now. and "Trista" has been my friend for like, six months? and to make the problem even more interesting, i feel exceptionally closer to "Trista" than to "Allisen." i mean, "Allisen" has never actually been there for me, never actually understood me or anything. but "Trista" has. well, i guess there's my answer.

Such a failure
Is it really my consience
Or my own follish desire?
I can't even talk in a group
Or just let myself go
Because these questions pound
Through my head
And make me wish I was dead.
I can't sort out what's right
I know what she did
How she isn't sorry like she said.
And I know my loyalty will be
The downfall of me
And someday I'll regret this yet...
But how can I let her do that
To someone I consider a friend?
How could I face myself
After this all ends
If I stuck by what's wrong?
But the options are both bleak
And I'm scared to choose
Because what if I make the wrong decision
And we all lose?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Soon

Allow me one last chance
To say goodbye
And I promise that soon
There'll be no more tears in my eyes
So give me just this chance
To make it right
And I will, I will, I will
Make it all end

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Descriptions

if you had to choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be?
currently, unhinged
how about one phrase?
effective- crazy, unhinged, and borderline psychotic- but effective, none the less
what colour do you think of yourself as?
grey
and what emotion does that colour make you think of?
regretful and tearful
what key would your song be in, majour or minour?
minour
what exactly do you think of haiku?
a challenge, but a little too structered for me

and yes, i would really like everyone to answer this. it doesn't just help other people to know you, but you end up knowing something more of yourself. and no one will make fun of anyone else, so no worries. that is if ya'll want to. (just for you, annie, you seem to say ya'll a lot)

*NOTE*
haiku is a form of poetry (yes, probably originating in Japan) that consists of three lines, usually with a 5-7-5 set up, sometimes varrying to 5-6-5. <---just because The Blonde One doesn't seem to know this, even though she's actually written it before, not that she remembers that...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Mariposa

Mariposa, could you dance?
Fluttering in your dress of silk
Don't just watch fromt the side
Mariposa, don't cry.
Remember that you can fly
Lift your wings, Mariposa
Touch the stars and moon
The dream that called you is here
But if you don't dance,
Never take the chance, Mariposa,
How will you ever know?
Just because you've been rejected
It doesn't mean you're nothing.
Mariposa, you are beautiful
But if you let your wings be broken
You cannot be all that you are
So Mariposa, touch the stars
And the wind will guide you.
As it flutters your dress of silk
Don't just watch from the side, Mariposa
When will you dance?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I Swear, One More Word...

Just because I'm not obsessed
With watching guys and makeup
Doesn't mean I don't feel like all girls.
And sure, sometimes I watch guys
But I'm not filling my life with that
Because I have more important things
To do with my time
Than worry about my hair and clothes
And what that dude over there thinks.
I wish people would stop assuming
That I'm gay because I don't flirt
And drool over all the guys.
It's not that I don't like them
Nah, it's not that at all
But I don't want to waste my time on
Those trivial and distracting thoughts
When I could be writing or playing music.
And because I don't waste this time
I come up with so much
(It's easier to listen to God when I can
Think Straight)
And I just don't want to allow myself
To open up to any emotions
Because that might make me feel
NORMAL
(And you know we can't have that)

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Help and Suspicion

i don't think that it's wrong to want help. but i keep getting told that the people i know can't help me. and i dunno if that means that i'm so far gone that they can't, or that they're just incapabale of it, or that the people i know are not mature enough to. and i do try to help the people that i know. but for some reason it's like i must be isolated from them. sure, i can help them, but if they try to help me, then it's evil. and i'm sick of being the way that i am. i don't want to spend the rest of my life curled up inside my shell and fearing people. and yes, my friends have been helping me. for one thing, i've opened up more, and i can talk to complete strangers and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. but i'm told that it's wrong for them to help me, that they can't. so is it wrong to want help? i'm tired of crying and hiding. if it's wrong to want help, then i don't see the point...of having friends, or talking to anyone, or even just being on Earth.

and i'm sick of being held in such suspicion. i mean, i'm basically a good person. and my parents seem to think only the worst of me. like if i'd been skipping school (i was recently questioned on that), or if i secretly have a boyfriend and if i'm still a virgin, or if i'm telling the truth about my friends. geez, if they don't know me by now, i might as well give up trying to make them understand. i just can't believe some of the things that i'm being questioned over. it's like, i turned into a complete stranger overnight. and now they don't even seem to know me. and they keep pushing me away. man, it just hurts, a lot. and i wrote a poem about it, but i'm kinda freaked out about putting it on here cuz it has so much of me in it...and what i've been feeling...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Dead Leaves

thanx, lost in reason, now you've gotten me started on that writer's psychoanylitical thingy i'd gotten out of. (i can't decide if that's sarcasm or not) but hey, if it gets me writing again, i'll go with it. and for some reason, it's all haiku... great. i don't like haiku cuz it's so structered (but i've been working on vilanelles so whatever). hmmm, what was the question? what do i think of when a dead leaf blows across my path? well, autumn, frost, isolation, loneliness, pain (don't ask), death i suppose. lots really, depends on my state of mind at the moment. and what does everyone else think when they see a dead leaf? i'd really like to know. it's a good question (for obvious reasons). hmm, there is no death without life...

lately i've been on a nature high. which, before anyone thinks i've been smoking grass *ahem*, means that nature and the natural world has been on my mind instead of the usual introspection (the links for annie, and yeah, that was an insult...). and of course the nature i think of is autumn (cuz fall is such an unpoetic word, i know, i know, i'm such a romantic uh, just for those of you who have no idea what that's referring to) and winter. alright, here's the part where i give lease to my inner poet:

Whispers of the wind will touch my hair
And I'll visit you in the morning
Taste the autumn chill on the air
I wonder where I'll be going

anyways, i took an AP test that i absolutley failed yesterday. it was, of course, in my worst class, history. i pretty much gave up halfway through. i mean, it's not like i quit or anything (other people just wrote that they wouldn't write the essays and they didn't even try on the multiple choice) but i kinda just felt like it didn't matter anymore, ya know, that light headed feeling and nothing makes any difference, especially not school work. but i did enough to at least pass if they use a curve... which of course they won't cuz they hate us all and are planning on taking over the world one student at a time. or maybe that's just me.

in biology we get to dissect fetal (yes, again for annie) pigs. so since every other class has gotten to do it before us, and we still won't until friday, i smelled like the room and everyone else in biology: formaldehyde. which isn't really that bad, kinda like paint thinner. but i think that some of the chicks are gonna have problems with it cuz the pigs are pretty big, like just about to be born. and all i can think of is bacon. (i'm kidding! i'm kidding!) it's not that it bothers me, but i mean, we're gonna have to keep them around for two days. i think they might start smelling funny. like the stink bombs that the guys can't resist setting off in their lockers. except those are more sulfur and the...well, never mind, it's not like i'd know what something dead smells like *cough cough*.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Pyromania: Die By Fire

Have you ever wanted to die by fire?
Sit in the burning house
Smoke creeps in teh room
Flames in a circle
And everywhere the heat
Orange and yellow fear
Spread arms to catch the fire
Twisting up the body
Start to scream in pain
Laugh and cry behind the wall
Flames leap higher
Have you ever wanted to die by fire?

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Shattered

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Shattered, a picture of my life
And maybe it'll rain
But until then I'll watch the reflections
That show me the clouds
In shades of blue and black
I explode into a mirror shower
That rains pain down
Feel the wind, blowing coldness
But the air is so warm all around
And when the pieces hit the ground
No one will notice except me
That the mirror reflects back the clouds
As they are covered with rain drops
I'll bend to touch the pieces
And I'll cut my hand
So I'll drown slowly in a world of grey
Because the rain flooded me inside
And the last bit of colour you'll see of me
Will be the red of blood
On my hand.

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the pics are links, yo

Friday, April 29, 2005

Blind?

no, my eyes have never been more open. but i don't want to get into an argument about it. explain the morals to me, i just don't see them. at all. and when i said that i saw you in a different light, i meant it. yeah, i know that you're the same person, but i guess...geez, like i said i don't want to get into an argument. does the word mainstream mean anything to you? and i know that harry potter is interesting and cool, but...i think that the one time i fell was enough. and reading that was kinda how it started. don't ask, alright? i've been on a downward spiral since i was five. and things were just starting to look up. just, let me fool myself for a while longer. man, i've never felt more alone than in a room full of people that i know.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Tears of the Future

yeah, that was my previous blog's title. and that's the way the future looks. annie, WHAT MORALS GO WITH APPROVING OF LYING AND DECEIT AND WITCHCRAFT??? i already gave scripture for that. i don't know wether i should cry or scream. it's not funny and it's not okay. and sure, there are plenty of other books, but which of them are as recognized world wide as harry potter? it's not that i would resort to...geez annie, i'm not an evil psycho maniac who has nothing better to do than yell at people. i guess it's more my fault cuz i never told you about this before. and i should have. sorry. but the way you put it just...made me see you in a different light, that's all. you couldn't have chosen a worse way to say it than the way that you did. and no, i don't see the morals behind it. because there are none. and you say that the thing was just your opinion. yeah, well, this is just my opinion, expressed the way you did.

and i guess that i'm a little more alone than i thought. so if i start crying or scream at the world, it's only because i don't understand why no one wants to hear the truth. and why people think that Christianity is "a joke." guess i should have realized...but whatever, my life was fine without people before, it'll be fine again.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

This IS Me Calm

ok, annie, first of all, harry potter isn't even close to what Christians should be reading. you say that Christians never give the books a chance? well, i read the first two, and i see the seduction in them (see? i'm not perfect either). good for the Pope for saying that. the Catholics finally got something right. what the books also teach is that it's okay to use spells which the Bible SPECIFICALLY says is wrong!!!! (Isaiah 8:19, Deuteronomy 18:10-13) and i think that the Bible is a lot more truthful than some occultic book that is seducing the kids away from the truth. HOW CAN YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT GOD'S MIRACLES AND MAGIC SPELLS ARE EVEN RELATED!?!?!?!? you say that the Bible and harry potter are "pretty gosh darn close." well ya know what? Romans 1:25.

thanks Reeser for the encouragement. it really is what i needed to hear. one of my other friends also whopped me upside my head when i said that. i just didn't think that it would matter...and now i know that it does. which makes me feel so peaceful and happy, and i'm so glad that i have people who care.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

One Reason

i bet that no one can give me one reason why i shouldn't kill myself.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

To Kaida

Kaida, I'm not going to let you
Rip me apart!
Take your lies and burn.
I don't want the 'life' you give
And I don't want the shame
Because I remember you
All too well.
Kaida, your whispers are so soft
But that's how it started last time
I will not be pulled back.
If you think that I am so weak
As to be sucked in by desires,
Then my life has never meant anything.
But you know I am more than that
I have only one last thing to say:
Burn it into what's left of your soul,
I will never give in
I will never give up
Begone.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Admit

well, i WAS going to write about prom, but it all came out sounding really bad, and when i say that it was bad, then it was seriously messed up. but whatever. i guess i'm not really in a funny mood to write about stuff like that. i admitted something to someone and now i can't talk about it because i'm too afraid. and i know that it would be good for me to talk about it. but i can't. i just can't. what happened showed me that i'm not ever going to be normal and happy and healthy like everyone else. i guess i kinda still wanted that in some minute way. and now i know that i can never have that. and i could cry about it, but what's the point? tears wouldn't change anything. i know what would change it, talking. but that makes me think of something else, and i will NEVER go back to it! never.

joy, i'm being kicked off the computer.

Monday, April 18, 2005

What We Have Become

Is it wrong to want a friend?
Is it bad to want to have
Someone around who understands?
But then the question is
Does anyone really understand?
Is it wrong to want the answer
to be yes?
Is it wrong to want to talk
With someone who knows?
Please, couldn't the answer be no?
But it's so hard to find someone
Who can help and believe
Becuase there's so many out there
Who are lucky.
If someone's never lived with pain
And kept a secret in shame
Why should they pretend to be
One of us?
Because we live in the alleys,
In the dark, in the slums
And when we try to show what we used to be
All they see is
What we have become...



Someone reminded me of this poem and i went and dug it up. (isn't that nice? you've been promoted from Her to Someone!) but i guess this is kinda what i've felt lately too. alone and isolated cuz i didn't think that anyone would listen to me, and if they did, then they would hear the wrong things (ahem, like my parents...). no one seemed to listen to me asking for help, it all just came to them as me being a b-brat. (ha! i used a different word!) so i kept it inside. and despite what my dad says, it's not possible to always restrain yourself, or always focus the emotional flood on one target. sometimes it just explodes from within and then you gotta heal from it and help heal anyone who was around at the time. *thoughts to Error404* keeping it always inside makes me feel helpless and hopeless and i can't stand that. guess that's why i have a blog, to make sure that i don't keep everything hidden. (although it's easier when no one know's who i am, ANNIE! PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!)


P.S. my next post will concern me making fun of the prom. if this might offend you, that's too bad.

P.P.S. Annie, your poems are TOO really awesome and you can too rhyme really well!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Bad Annie!

annie, i for real am gonna kill u! jk. at least she's not harassing you! just wait until your b-day and then we'll see who's laughing...

well, i successfully no longer want to kill myself all the time. which i'm assuming is good. now it's just refusing to be self-destructive. guess i kinda fell back a ways and started all that again. but it's getting better. what's pulling me out is the fact that someone i know needs to be prayed for. really bad. and i want to help her. but i couldn't help if i was trapped back in the dark times. so, yeah, i'm gonna blame her for making me want to live. but i guess that's a good thing to be blamed for.

one of these days i'm gonna figure out how to change the colours on here...

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Calling

Scream into the darkness.
The voices lie with sweet words
Those words are reality.
Taking the heart from me
Turn into a creature of rage
When I scream into the darkness.
Get trapped by the chains
And smoke fills my lungs
I'm going to choke and die
On those lies.
But I scream into the darkness.
Feel the red mist falling
Don't know why I shouldn't die
Except that I can hear You calling...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Once Now

...I could have touched the sky...


Hide from the clouds
The young chase the rainbows
Grow up, Moon-catcher
Thunder in my heart, hot and grey
Rain drops falling from my eyes
The young play with stardust
Grow up, watch the sunrise
Just wish for wings
But don't brush the clouds


...I could have touched the sky...




hmm, i think it sounds like i'm stoned. (and Reeser, you're so lucky that you get out of high school!!!) and, woohoo, i'm getting a job. at walmart. shoot me now.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Eternal Love

For one such as I
How could there be so much love?
When I have wasted my life
Hiding behind lies that I fed to myself
In arrogance I shamed myself
And told myself that I deserved better.
But I missed the love waiting
Even when I touched it years ago
I refused to let myself go
Sentencing myself to a life of misery.
And in my darkness and hate
I pushed away the only one who could save me
So why now am I loved?
In His eternal mercy I have been redeemed
All the pain cleared away
And when I pray I can feel Him holding me.
I struggle each time to hold back the tears
To stop the screaming in my heart.
Why should I be so loved
When I have touched the darkness and fallen?
When I refused His love and peace?
For each of us He has a plan
And His eternal love.




my computer's busted. which is not cool. and it's not that i take the quizes that seriously, but when i feel that they might be true, i just look inside myself to see why i think that....
 
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