Thursday, March 31, 2005

Black as...

Info Black
uhhh, please forgive the uhhh, third to last word. sorry, jpg image and i can't edit it.

hits a little close to home. just a little. just a lot. sometimes those quizzes really do show you something and make you look at the truth. and it hurts. a lot...

What Color is Your Heart?



Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Let Alone

eien?

i kinda just liked the pic. may take a minute to load (or maybe it won't load at all, just let me know if the crazy word it says is bad. it's something like eien? or whatever). reminds me of how my day went. ya know, everyone shut up and leave me alone while i listen to my depressing music that you have never heard of. (actually, some people probably have and then left them alone, does Skillet ring a bell?) anyways, i've kinda been thinking about suicide since that girl died. had a run-in with one of her friends. guess someone who didn't like me much said that i said something terrible (how could i? i was crying too much to say anything really painful. although i did tell one of my friends what i heard...keep asking myself if i really DID say something bad, but i dunno anymore) the chick really wasn't angry, just hurt and scared. and i was fine with her taking her frustration out on me. kinda used to it. denied saying anything bad of course. i won't take the blame for something i didn't do. wrote a poem about it. guess that's how i keep myself from self destructing. not that it works all the time. but hey, whatever. so uh, here it is...

Maybe we're all just born to die
And maybe we'll make no difference at all
But maybe that doesn't matter
Maybe nothing matters
So what if a world ends?
Who's going to notice?
Maybe no one
Maybe someone
Maybe they'll live in our memories
Maybe not
But why should we live
If we leave nothing behind?

I wish you could have found something better
And I wish you could have gone on
And yeah, life sucks
We got your point
Most of us understand
We just wish it hadn't ended this way
And I didn't even know you
But somehow that doesn't matter
I still wish you had gotten
Something better.


What type of teenager are you?

Friday, March 25, 2005

Ouch

all right, it was a stupid and immature question. i just heard it somewhere before and thought it was kinda funny. so i'm immature, what else is new? and i never said that the car was moving. hey, don't tell PITA, they'll come after me. (certainly considering one of the games i have for my xbox...) i'm usually really nice to animals!! (does this sound like begging?)

Anyway, my dad scared me beyond belief yesterday. we were just sorta talking and suddenly he says "one of your friends killed herself." and there i am like whoah, where did that come from and what the ---- does he mean? (yes, one of the few occasions that i swore in my mind) so i'm sitting in front of my computer kinda in tears and he can't remember the name. which kinda pushed me over the edge and i started yelling at him about his stereotypic attitude when it came to teenagers and he started yelling that the reason no one listens to us is because of our rotten attitudes towards our parents and that it's breaking the "Thou shalt honour thy father and thy mother" commandment if we don't want our parents around all the time (funny how when i was 6 it didn't break that commandment if i didn't want my parents there with my friends...). and finally my mom got home from work and it turns out that i don't even know the girl, they just thought that since she went to my school and was in the same grade that i'd know her. there are 600 students in my grade. so basically they think that i know everyone even though i'm like the outcast and i talk to all of three people at school. anyways, after i managed to calm down and stop being anger, i started playing tetris on my computer and listening to Kutless, and i basically break down and start crying and i'm thinking, why was i saved and not that other girl? why did she really go through with it? why didn't i? how could the Lord let this happen to a 16 year old girl with her whole life in front of her? and why was i saved and not her? and i couldn't stop thinking like that for the whole cd and i was trying not to let anyone know that it ripped me up inside when i heard that. i really thought that it was one of my friends. (one of them tried to kill herself before and that kinda...well, if it's like this for a chick i don't know, then you can imagine for someone that i do) i guess it just kinda scared me because i know that girl could have been me. and then my mom made fun of the way she went. she turned on a gas stove, took lots of pills, slit her wrists, and shot herself. and it hurt me more when my mom made fun of her. i better stop typing before i start crying again.

and to not end in this mood because i don't think i can bear that, here's another really immature questions: what was the best thing before sliced bread?

Monday, March 21, 2005

Return of the Dentist

fun times. i just went to the dentist today and got two of my teeth filled. they even stuck needles into me to numb it, too bad that i could feel that. not that i was supposed to. i really hate going to the dentist. something to do with having my wisdom teeth pulled out during the summer and being so drugged that i couldn't even think straight.

the execution thingy just sorta amused me becuase we use it to mean to kill something and to complete something. but i guess that means pretty much the same thing. maybe i should start thinking before i randomly post things that sound like i'm stoned or something.

and for my next brilliant question: if you throw a cat out a car window, is that kitty litter?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Hey! I'm Back!

i was sick for like all last week so i didn't have to go to skool. and before that i was slightly depressed and couldn't think of anything to say. but i'm better. read the diary of a friend and that kinda cheered me up. she's a good poet, even though she says that she can't write. whatever.

sudden thought: why is it that when we have a good idea, we execute it?

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Popcorn and Parents

well, next week should get interesting. stupid EOC thing messing the whole schedule up and i don't even have to take it! but that's just how it goes. maybe i can make it through seminar without actaully killing my teahcer. hmmm.....i doubt it. she is absoulutly insane....always blaming other people for talking over her when they were the one talking first. and she makes fun of students for no reason. not as bad as that english teahcer lady that has to talk to us like we're kindergarteners.

parents can make me so mad sometimes. like my mother. she doesn't try to get along with my dad when he's angry or upset or anything. she just starts yelling back. which i can totally understand becuase i've done the same thing. but this is different becuase then i'm dragged into the middle to repeat what one said to the other and if i don't make them both happy with what i say, then my life is an unending hell until they get over it. i don't think that they even realise that they're doing it either. i'm just sorta here to do the chores and that's it. and the excuse they use for that is that they "training me to be the perfect house wife." yeah, and that would require me to want to get married. and with the way my life has gone in observing married couples, that's the last thing that i'd ever want to do.

it has come to my attention that some people call me a goth. i'm not. that would require me to wear makeup and jewlery. and there is about a 0% chance of that happening.

i don't feel very deep today. just sorta coasting along and letting the flow of life take me wherever. maybe i'll end up in someplace like the Bahamas....well, i can hope. i think that i'm finally seeing the light and what i'm doing wrong. or maybe that it's just the next stage in growing up. i dunno. or maybe it's because i've been refusing myself popcorn and i'm trying to convince myself to reward me. i think the last one sounds most likely.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Mental Health

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:

-- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

-- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

-- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

-- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

-- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

-- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

-- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

-- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

-- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

-- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

-- If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

-- If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

-- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

-- If you are blonde, please don’t press any buttons. You’ll just screw it up.


Sorry to Reeser, but i couldn't stop laughing at this so i had to post it. and seriously, anything this funny has to be posted anyway...sorry again.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Death of Progress

yeah, here i am. finally got the DSL back. whatever

i have no reason to feel this way. there is no reason for me to feel this depressed and sad. nothing traumatic has happend to me, nothing that i am really that worried about. so why do i feel like this? why can't i be normal like everyone insists that i am? and why do i have to keep pretending to be something i'm not when it's really obvious to someone else that i'm just a fake? and while i'm whining about this, why do i have to be so rude to some people?

alright, now that i'm done whining, maybe i can move on a little. or not. teachers have it in for me. they wait until the week of contest and then pile on the homework and projects. and that's enough on that topic. hmmm, what was it... Little R? yeah, that sounds right. dude, what is up? sorry about bugging you to death to find out what was wrong....(yeah, i feel guilty, alright?!?) just a little concerned for you sometimes. i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid.

what i want to say can't really be said, it can only be felt, and i wouldn't wish that on anyone. enough of cutting myself down. i admit that i'm messed up and that i need help. now that i've done that, shouldn't i get better? somehow, all the progress i made just slipped from my fingers and i'm back to where i was. back to barely resisting the voices in my head that call for my blood. and my grades show that drop. show that i'm not being able to keep going. it's kinda scary, when i look at it from a rational point of view. but then, i'm rarely rational. i guess i just want to talk about stuff with someone who understands and won't make fun of me. maybe i'm delusional, but i thought that i'd found someone like that. but being her friend means ripping apart another friendship that i've had for a while. the one holding me down. maybe that suppression is what i need. maybe not. i don't know anymore.
 
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