Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Verses Found
i'm beginning to think that my reliance on my blog is unhealthy. whatever. it's better than only thinking about school and my homework and concert contest coming up...*shudders* anyway, here i am again...without my notes...but i'm getting used to that...so lets see, i know this cool site where i can look up the key words for the thingy that i'm looking for...aha! founded it!
1 Corinthians 11:5
But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with [her] head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.
Acts 18:26
And he began to speak boldly in the synagogue: whom when Aquila and Priscilla had heard, they took him unto [them], and expounded unto him the way of God more perfectly.
hey, i knew that i could find them! anyways, i know that Priscilla is a female name and that Aquila is a masculine one, so i'm assuming that both the man and woman talked to Paul when they took him into their home or wherever it was that they took him. and since the Bible lays down the rules for what women should look like when they...speak in God's name(i can't spell prophesy...si...sie...whatever) i'm assuming they're allowed to, ya know, teach.
and i still can't spell very well. hey! that rhymes! *refuses to take the cheap shot that appears* *then reconsiders and goes for it* guess i was a poet and didn't know it! jk, i do write poems. not, ya know, that anyone wants to read them. people usually run screamming in the opposite direction and cower under large heavy objects. heh. but that's okay, i'm gonna write...even if they don't like it (hey, i refused that one, be proud of me, it took me a while).
at least i don't have any homework this weekend. i guess that's a plus (don't scream, but i'd rather have homework becuase i'm usually bored out of my mind when i don't. when i have homework i can think of a million other things that i'd rather do. go figure). guess i don't have anything else to say. and no sarcastic comments on that please, i know that i can talk a lot, thank you.
1 Corinthians 11:5
But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with [her] head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.
Acts 18:26
And he began to speak boldly in the synagogue: whom when Aquila and Priscilla had heard, they took him unto [them], and expounded unto him the way of God more perfectly.
hey, i knew that i could find them! anyways, i know that Priscilla is a female name and that Aquila is a masculine one, so i'm assuming that both the man and woman talked to Paul when they took him into their home or wherever it was that they took him. and since the Bible lays down the rules for what women should look like when they...speak in God's name(i can't spell prophesy...si...sie...whatever) i'm assuming they're allowed to, ya know, teach.
and i still can't spell very well. hey! that rhymes! *refuses to take the cheap shot that appears* *then reconsiders and goes for it* guess i was a poet and didn't know it! jk, i do write poems. not, ya know, that anyone wants to read them. people usually run screamming in the opposite direction and cower under large heavy objects. heh. but that's okay, i'm gonna write...even if they don't like it (hey, i refused that one, be proud of me, it took me a while).
at least i don't have any homework this weekend. i guess that's a plus (don't scream, but i'd rather have homework becuase i'm usually bored out of my mind when i don't. when i have homework i can think of a million other things that i'd rather do. go figure). guess i don't have anything else to say. and no sarcastic comments on that please, i know that i can talk a lot, thank you.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
All I Want to Do
All I want to do
Is serve you, Jesus
But it gets so hard
You seem so far
From where I am.
And every day
There is no change
And I'm afraid
That by staying the same
I doom myself.
When all I want to do
Is serve you, Jesus
All I want is to be
In the light and free
But it seems so far away.
And I know in the past
I made promises that didn't last
I'm sorry for my mistakes
Life has left me with an empty ache
That can only be filled by you.
And I feel through my prayer
It won't always be there
And all I want to do
Is serve you, Jesus.
Is serve you, Jesus
But it gets so hard
You seem so far
From where I am.
And every day
There is no change
And I'm afraid
That by staying the same
I doom myself.
When all I want to do
Is serve you, Jesus
All I want is to be
In the light and free
But it seems so far away.
And I know in the past
I made promises that didn't last
I'm sorry for my mistakes
Life has left me with an empty ache
That can only be filled by you.
And I feel through my prayer
It won't always be there
And all I want to do
Is serve you, Jesus.
Hmmm...
well, what you do has an affect on the people around you. and yeah, this may sound kinda stupid but it has an affect on me too. this blog makes me sound bipolar. maybe i am a little. up and down...but i guess that's just life. (or it's me, one of those) oh, yeah, here i am again...without my notes...figures. however i'm also at school so that sorta makes sense. and i have a test next hour...not that i know what it's over...
i guess i'm a little worried about posting any of my poems on here any more (and yes errr... "girl in black" it has something to do with you...) seriously though, i don't want to take anyone down with me...but that's different i guess...
and what can i do about the darkness that keeps coming back?
(did i mention that i hate school?)
i guess i'm a little worried about posting any of my poems on here any more (and yes errr... "girl in black" it has something to do with you...) seriously though, i don't want to take anyone down with me...but that's different i guess...
and what can i do about the darkness that keeps coming back?
(did i mention that i hate school?)
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Better
i'm getting better. which is good. and now i really know that i can't kill myself becuase i would end up killing someone else in the process. and i know that she needs to live becuase there are people holding on becuase she is. and i will NOT be responsible for a string of deaths. that is something that i can't even think about doing. so i will continue on and i will make it this time. i know that life is hard, but that doesn't matter becuase God will help me through this (and there's only about 2 more years that i have to spend at home before i get to go to college, yay!). so i guess i'll just have to make it. maybe next time i'll post a poem i wrote about worshipping (yeah, i know i can't spell, it's really just not fair) but i'm running out of time cuz i'm at the library and they're closing and going to kick me off the computer. (i hate runon sentences...)
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Thanks
there's not that much that i can say, but thanks. and i know that i need help, i just don't know...life is scary and i have...anyway, thanks. it helps to know that there is someone out there who...thank you...
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Deeper
watch my world collapse, and there i go again, deeper than i thought possible. not that it matters. not like life is worth living anyway. not that anyone will notice when i'm gone. and it's not like i wasn't warned enough. guess it doesn't make a difference anymore. what does it matter? i'm so stupid. ripping my life apart one piece at a time and then burning it so i can never go back. can't say that life would accept me now. hurts too much to think that. i want help. i need it and i want out of this. this eternal spiral into the depths of darkness. just stop. i don't care if this doesn't make any sense at all. i don't care anymore. nothing matters. i want out! and there's no one there to help me. i'm so fake. and behind it all i'm dying. take my last breath. there's nothing left for me here. but i'm scared to die sometimes. and i want to live. but what is there left to me? i just want help. i don't want to continue on like this. empty existence. but what can i do? there's no one here to help me. no one...
Friday, February 04, 2005
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Welcome to Earth
well, today was better for me. sorta. i kept forgetting to do things. (u guys, just shut up now b4 i drag u outta ur houses!!!) not like it matters that much, but it bothers me. not that anyone noticed or anything...
anyway, i didn't even try to live in reality. i just fail to see the point sometimes. and i know that will get me in trouble someday, but if you play with fire...everyone knows the rest. and i know that i'm pushing myself too far a lot. that i'm becoming dangerous to myself and others, but i can't make myself care all the time. and that's not good. in fact, it's bad. *smiles wanly* but i can't. sometimes i think that i could just walk away from the dark, but then something drags me back down. whispers...i'm not good enough, i can't, i would die without it...but i can't listen to them, i can't. and that was the problem with my other blog; i fell too far. but deleting it...pushed me over the edge. and i just sat down there (or here, depending on what view i'm looking at) and waited for something to happen. and it did. i fell even further. rock bottom started looking like a utopia. (don't lecture me on my grammer, i know it's atrocious...) but the light seemed so far above me, and i was scared to climb towards it. it burned me to look into the light. but it burned to stay down in the darkness. i belive that's called an impass, or something. whatever.
and just when i thought that i couldn't sink any lower, the ground opened up and swallowed me. and was that the end? no. it just got worse. i lied about what i was doing. and i was happy doing it. but there wasn't a purpose to my life. and the emptiness consumed me. and that was it. i came so close to just ending it all a lot. so close...and i knew that i could. i could control if i lived or died. and that scared me. the fact that i could just...do away with myself, it finally hit home. but only after someone hit me over the head with a ball bat and i promised not to do it anymore. and yes, i still struggle to keep the...there is no other word but lust, under control. and it's hard. oh, yes, it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. but i realized that i had become dependant on something that was bad for me. that would eventually take my life and destroy me no matter what i thought, or how in control i felt. and that really was the deciding factor.
and typing this makes it all come back to me. and i hate that. but if i didn't say it somewhere, then it would stay inside me...
"...Pressure building up behind the fears
Emotions that should come out in tears
That come in spurts of wild rage instead..."
i don't want to be like that anymore. sure, i get angry, more than is natural when i do, but that is due to something that happened in the past. and it is behind me, but the after effects still mangle my life something fierce. and that's all for tonight.
"...Finally admitting that maybe, just maybe,
You were hurt worse than you would say
And it does hurt, carving your heart away."
anyway, i didn't even try to live in reality. i just fail to see the point sometimes. and i know that will get me in trouble someday, but if you play with fire...everyone knows the rest. and i know that i'm pushing myself too far a lot. that i'm becoming dangerous to myself and others, but i can't make myself care all the time. and that's not good. in fact, it's bad. *smiles wanly* but i can't. sometimes i think that i could just walk away from the dark, but then something drags me back down. whispers...i'm not good enough, i can't, i would die without it...but i can't listen to them, i can't. and that was the problem with my other blog; i fell too far. but deleting it...pushed me over the edge. and i just sat down there (or here, depending on what view i'm looking at) and waited for something to happen. and it did. i fell even further. rock bottom started looking like a utopia. (don't lecture me on my grammer, i know it's atrocious...) but the light seemed so far above me, and i was scared to climb towards it. it burned me to look into the light. but it burned to stay down in the darkness. i belive that's called an impass, or something. whatever.
and just when i thought that i couldn't sink any lower, the ground opened up and swallowed me. and was that the end? no. it just got worse. i lied about what i was doing. and i was happy doing it. but there wasn't a purpose to my life. and the emptiness consumed me. and that was it. i came so close to just ending it all a lot. so close...and i knew that i could. i could control if i lived or died. and that scared me. the fact that i could just...do away with myself, it finally hit home. but only after someone hit me over the head with a ball bat and i promised not to do it anymore. and yes, i still struggle to keep the...there is no other word but lust, under control. and it's hard. oh, yes, it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. but i realized that i had become dependant on something that was bad for me. that would eventually take my life and destroy me no matter what i thought, or how in control i felt. and that really was the deciding factor.
and typing this makes it all come back to me. and i hate that. but if i didn't say it somewhere, then it would stay inside me...
"...Pressure building up behind the fears
Emotions that should come out in tears
That come in spurts of wild rage instead..."
i don't want to be like that anymore. sure, i get angry, more than is natural when i do, but that is due to something that happened in the past. and it is behind me, but the after effects still mangle my life something fierce. and that's all for tonight.
"...Finally admitting that maybe, just maybe,
You were hurt worse than you would say
And it does hurt, carving your heart away."
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
One Moment...
Ok, here's the scoop: I'm really not depressed. no, really, I'm not. hey! fire, blondie, stop laughing at me!!!!!! no, i'm serious, i'm really alright. my life has just been really hard (as anyone who noticed could say, not that anyone did besides haley(did i spell that right?)) and it took me a while to come out of it. fire, shut up! i didn't ask u for comments. heh. or blondie for that matter since i must be specific (clap it out, blondie).
no, i am ok. and i'm different now. coming to terms with life is just a little hard for someone who's never lived in the real world much. no, this doesn't mean that i'm going to stop writing (yeah, i know what ur thinkin' fire, but i didn't ask and i'll block u if u say it, or spam u, one or the other. now is that spam as in email? or spam as in what i could put in ur locker?...or both?...heh)
and if anyone could help me with editing my profile to get rid of the posts from my previous blog, i would be grateful. :)
no, i am ok. and i'm different now. coming to terms with life is just a little hard for someone who's never lived in the real world much. no, this doesn't mean that i'm going to stop writing (yeah, i know what ur thinkin' fire, but i didn't ask and i'll block u if u say it, or spam u, one or the other. now is that spam as in email? or spam as in what i could put in ur locker?...or both?...heh)
and if anyone could help me with editing my profile to get rid of the posts from my previous blog, i would be grateful. :)
Cue
I know how to be unimportant
No, I'll go away
Don't worry about my tomorrow
I won't even live through this day.
I'm used to disappearing
And unwanted is how I always am
So I'll sink into the backround
To wait in the shadows again
And no, it won't be your fault
I don't even remember your name
Sometimes the things that happen
Just cannot be changed
I know that you don't like me
But I still don't understand why
Maybe it's better if I just leave
I guess that's my cue,
Goodbye
No, I'll go away
Don't worry about my tomorrow
I won't even live through this day.
I'm used to disappearing
And unwanted is how I always am
So I'll sink into the backround
To wait in the shadows again
And no, it won't be your fault
I don't even remember your name
Sometimes the things that happen
Just cannot be changed
I know that you don't like me
But I still don't understand why
Maybe it's better if I just leave
I guess that's my cue,
Goodbye
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
To Continue
I will continue on
Even when hope is gone
I will continue to thrive
And I will survive
Through this veil of pain
I will continue on
I will continue to sing
Even when the music stops
I will continue to live
And I will make it
Through this veil of hurt
I will continue to sing
I will live my life
Even when death stands before me
I will continue to go
And it will show
Through this veil of fear
I will live my life
Let the music stop
Let the world end
Let death challenge me
I will not bend
Through this vel of pain
Veil of hurt
Veil of fear
I will continue on
And I will keep fighting
Until they are gone...
Even when hope is gone
I will continue to thrive
And I will survive
Through this veil of pain
I will continue on
I will continue to sing
Even when the music stops
I will continue to live
And I will make it
Through this veil of hurt
I will continue to sing
I will live my life
Even when death stands before me
I will continue to go
And it will show
Through this veil of fear
I will live my life
Let the music stop
Let the world end
Let death challenge me
I will not bend
Through this vel of pain
Veil of hurt
Veil of fear
I will continue on
And I will keep fighting
Until they are gone...
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