Shattered

Shattered, a picture of my life
And maybe it'll rain
But until then I'll watch the reflections
That show me the clouds
In shades of blue and black
I explode into a mirror shower
That rains pain down
Feel the wind, blowing coldness
But the air is so warm all around
And when the pieces hit the ground
No one will notice except me
That the mirror reflects back the clouds
As they are covered with rain drops
I'll bend to touch the pieces
And I'll cut my hand
So I'll drown slowly in a world of grey
Because the rain flooded me inside
And the last bit of colour you'll see of me
Will be the red of blood
On my hand.


the pics are links, yo

Blind?

no, my eyes have never been more open. but i don't want to get into an argument about it. explain the morals to me, i just don't see them. at all. and when i said that i saw you in a different light, i meant it. yeah, i know that you're the same person, but i guess...geez, like i said i don't want to get into an argument. does the word mainstream mean anything to you? and i know that harry potter is interesting and cool, but...i think that the one time i fell was enough. and reading that was kinda how it started. don't ask, alright? i've been on a downward spiral since i was five. and things were just starting to look up. just, let me fool myself for a while longer. man, i've never felt more alone than in a room full of people that i know.

Tears of the Future

yeah, that was my previous blog's title. and that's the way the future looks. annie, WHAT MORALS GO WITH APPROVING OF LYING AND DECEIT AND WITCHCRAFT??? i already gave scripture for that. i don't know wether i should cry or scream. it's not funny and it's not okay. and sure, there are plenty of other books, but which of them are as recognized world wide as harry potter? it's not that i would resort to...geez annie, i'm not an evil psycho maniac who has nothing better to do than yell at people. i guess it's more my fault cuz i never told you about this before. and i should have. sorry. but the way you put it just...made me see you in a different light, that's all. you couldn't have chosen a worse way to say it than the way that you did. and no, i don't see the morals behind it. because there are none. and you say that the thing was just your opinion. yeah, well, this is just my opinion, expressed the way you did.

and i guess that i'm a little more alone than i thought. so if i start crying or scream at the world, it's only because i don't understand why no one wants to hear the truth. and why people think that Christianity is "a joke." guess i should have realized...but whatever, my life was fine without people before, it'll be fine again.

This IS Me Calm

ok, annie, first of all, harry potter isn't even close to what Christians should be reading. you say that Christians never give the books a chance? well, i read the first two, and i see the seduction in them (see? i'm not perfect either). good for the Pope for saying that. the Catholics finally got something right. what the books also teach is that it's okay to use spells which the Bible SPECIFICALLY says is wrong!!!! (Isaiah 8:19, Deuteronomy 18:10-13) and i think that the Bible is a lot more truthful than some occultic book that is seducing the kids away from the truth. HOW CAN YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT GOD'S MIRACLES AND MAGIC SPELLS ARE EVEN RELATED!?!?!?!? you say that the Bible and harry potter are "pretty gosh darn close." well ya know what? Romans 1:25.

thanks Reeser for the encouragement. it really is what i needed to hear. one of my other friends also whopped me upside my head when i said that. i just didn't think that it would matter...and now i know that it does. which makes me feel so peaceful and happy, and i'm so glad that i have people who care.

One Reason

i bet that no one can give me one reason why i shouldn't kill myself.

To Kaida

Kaida, I'm not going to let you
Rip me apart!
Take your lies and burn.
I don't want the 'life' you give
And I don't want the shame
Because I remember you
All too well.
Kaida, your whispers are so soft
But that's how it started last time
I will not be pulled back.
If you think that I am so weak
As to be sucked in by desires,
Then my life has never meant anything.
But you know I am more than that
I have only one last thing to say:
Burn it into what's left of your soul,
I will never give in
I will never give up
Begone.

Admit

well, i WAS going to write about prom, but it all came out sounding really bad, and when i say that it was bad, then it was seriously messed up. but whatever. i guess i'm not really in a funny mood to write about stuff like that. i admitted something to someone and now i can't talk about it because i'm too afraid. and i know that it would be good for me to talk about it. but i can't. i just can't. what happened showed me that i'm not ever going to be normal and happy and healthy like everyone else. i guess i kinda still wanted that in some minute way. and now i know that i can never have that. and i could cry about it, but what's the point? tears wouldn't change anything. i know what would change it, talking. but that makes me think of something else, and i will NEVER go back to it! never.

joy, i'm being kicked off the computer.

What We Have Become

Is it wrong to want a friend?
Is it bad to want to have
Someone around who understands?
But then the question is
Does anyone really understand?
Is it wrong to want the answer
to be yes?
Is it wrong to want to talk
With someone who knows?
Please, couldn't the answer be no?
But it's so hard to find someone
Who can help and believe
Becuase there's so many out there
Who are lucky.
If someone's never lived with pain
And kept a secret in shame
Why should they pretend to be
One of us?
Because we live in the alleys,
In the dark, in the slums
And when we try to show what we used to be
All they see is
What we have become...



Someone reminded me of this poem and i went and dug it up. (isn't that nice? you've been promoted from Her to Someone!) but i guess this is kinda what i've felt lately too. alone and isolated cuz i didn't think that anyone would listen to me, and if they did, then they would hear the wrong things (ahem, like my parents...). no one seemed to listen to me asking for help, it all just came to them as me being a b-brat. (ha! i used a different word!) so i kept it inside. and despite what my dad says, it's not possible to always restrain yourself, or always focus the emotional flood on one target. sometimes it just explodes from within and then you gotta heal from it and help heal anyone who was around at the time. *thoughts to Error404* keeping it always inside makes me feel helpless and hopeless and i can't stand that. guess that's why i have a blog, to make sure that i don't keep everything hidden. (although it's easier when no one know's who i am, ANNIE! PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!)


P.S. my next post will concern me making fun of the prom. if this might offend you, that's too bad.

P.P.S. Annie, your poems are TOO really awesome and you can too rhyme really well!!!

Bad Annie!

annie, i for real am gonna kill u! jk. at least she's not harassing you! just wait until your b-day and then we'll see who's laughing...

well, i successfully no longer want to kill myself all the time. which i'm assuming is good. now it's just refusing to be self-destructive. guess i kinda fell back a ways and started all that again. but it's getting better. what's pulling me out is the fact that someone i know needs to be prayed for. really bad. and i want to help her. but i couldn't help if i was trapped back in the dark times. so, yeah, i'm gonna blame her for making me want to live. but i guess that's a good thing to be blamed for.

one of these days i'm gonna figure out how to change the colours on here...

Calling

Scream into the darkness.
The voices lie with sweet words
Those words are reality.
Taking the heart from me
Turn into a creature of rage
When I scream into the darkness.
Get trapped by the chains
And smoke fills my lungs
I'm going to choke and die
On those lies.
But I scream into the darkness.
Feel the red mist falling
Don't know why I shouldn't die
Except that I can hear You calling...

Once Now

...I could have touched the sky...


Hide from the clouds
The young chase the rainbows
Grow up, Moon-catcher
Thunder in my heart, hot and grey
Rain drops falling from my eyes
The young play with stardust
Grow up, watch the sunrise
Just wish for wings
But don't brush the clouds


...I could have touched the sky...




hmm, i think it sounds like i'm stoned. (and Reeser, you're so lucky that you get out of high school!!!) and, woohoo, i'm getting a job. at walmart. shoot me now.

Eternal Love

For one such as I
How could there be so much love?
When I have wasted my life
Hiding behind lies that I fed to myself
In arrogance I shamed myself
And told myself that I deserved better.
But I missed the love waiting
Even when I touched it years ago
I refused to let myself go
Sentencing myself to a life of misery.
And in my darkness and hate
I pushed away the only one who could save me
So why now am I loved?
In His eternal mercy I have been redeemed
All the pain cleared away
And when I pray I can feel Him holding me.
I struggle each time to hold back the tears
To stop the screaming in my heart.
Why should I be so loved
When I have touched the darkness and fallen?
When I refused His love and peace?
For each of us He has a plan
And His eternal love.




my computer's busted. which is not cool. and it's not that i take the quizes that seriously, but when i feel that they might be true, i just look inside myself to see why i think that....