Immerse Myself Forever

Beat against the walls of me
They want in
Those voices and people I heard
Those thing that were in my head
Those lies that I listened to
Screams to be torn from me
Wretched agony to burn me again
Like an invisible acid
I fight forever to not go back
Because I want no more of it
I reach inside myself and breathe
The cool warm light soothes me
And I apologize for running so long
I can barely hear the pounding now
But I immerse myself in the
Pool of amazing wonder
And I hear no more.


i have another poem i like, but it hasn't got a title, so i don't wanna put it on here. cuz then it messes with my sidebar and then i have to go play with the HTML code, not that it isn't fun, mind you, but i have an amazing amount of homework. which is actually what i'm s'posed to be doing right now. ah, well, whatever. i was just blogging and well, yeah. you can see how much time i have on my hands...anyways...the one really interesting thing that happened today was that i started crying in creative writing. HEY, THERE WAS A REASON!!! this one guy wrote something that pretty much just...well...it was...yeah. it was everything that i wanted to say, but was too afraid to let anyone know...and the way he wrote it was just amazing. and i cried that hour and some of the next. man, i hope that no one noticed...i asked this one girl if it looked like i'd been crying (cuz girls are pretty good at catching stuff like that *shuttup annie*) and she said no, so maybe no one noticed...but i think that my teacher did. well, if he wants to say something to me, there's not much that i can do about it...guess i'll do my homework now...

Disillusioned Immortality

the point of this is not to make anyone mad at me...or maybe it is, i haven't had a brilliant arguement in a while...er, just kidding. anyways, i was just looking through some e-journals (*less than three*) and well, alright, dude, i agreed with the school stuff. that's all good.

"People who know they can die are more responsible."

i just can't agree with that. speaking from experience (no, annie, i'm not like this anymore, relax) i wanted to kill myself. i knew that i could. it made me exteremly stupid in doing a lot of stuff that i should't. i didn't take care of myself, i purposfully did things that could kill me. not often, but enough. i knew that i had the choice to kill myself or let myself live. the thoughts i had were way less than responsible. i know some other people who are/were like that. why do people make kids think that they're safe? to protect them from the truth, that we are all frail humans. that anything can kill us. that we are the most fragile creature on this earth. not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. people want to protect the young for as long as they can. alright, i admit that this isn't a brilliant idea. everyone wants to be free to make their own decisions. but can you imagine telling a 4 year old that they could get smooshed by a car? two things might happen: one) they laugh insanley because it's not yet real to them or two) they become afraid of everything. that's why there are rules that are drummed into almost every child. look both ways before you cross the street (so you don't get dead, that's the rest of the sentence).

what's the percentage of people in america who kill themselves? how about this hemisphere? how about internationally? these people know that they can die, yet they are irresponsible with this knowledge and use it to end their own lives. (i can empathize, don't think that i'm mocking these people, i truly know how they felt)

well, i think that's it. *ahem* everyone, feel free to tell my why i'm wrong...so i can post a comment to you that consists of the words HAH and HAH. jk. anyway, leave me comments, for real. (BFG, wth is with the mammy thing???)

oh, yeah, one other thing, what's everyone think about my new colour??

IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO THE SPAMMERS ARE, I'M GONNA STRANGLE THEM!! I'M SERIOUS, EITHER LEAVE A NAME AND A MESSAGE THAT MEANS SOMETHING (at least not obvious that you copied and pasted it) OR JUST STOP LEAVING COMMENTS!!! NO ONE WANTS TO VISIT THEIR BLOG AND FIND A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS TRASH IN THE COMMENTS AREA!!

...?

i can't honeslty think of anything to say...school is giving me sooo much homework. um, i'm in creatvie writing and it's really fun especially since the guy i sit next to is pretty funny. well, i guess that's all for now, when i can actaully think of something worthwhile to say, i'll say it, but til then, remember me!

Sadness of a Friend

I'm tearing myself apart
For how stupid I've been.
I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.

I'm taking that advice
And I promise that I'll try.
Yeah, you got through to me
So please, just don't cry.

I know it's not logical
To swallow a battery
But I thought that it could
Maybe help to set me free.

I promise I'll call you
If I get that close again
Because I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.

Dedicated to Annie
dammit, annie, wth?

The Note

I'm so tired of being alone
I just want it to end
I know that I'm a horrible person and
I'm sorry for that.
I'm scared to die but
I'm sick of living a lie
And hiding all the pain inside
I never promised that I would live
I just said I'd try
And I really did.
People say suicide is selfish;
Perhaps it is if someone would miss me
But no one would.
I wanted help, but no one listened
Now I just want it all to end.

Help me
or
Let
Me
Die!

i want to kill myself. i want to die in the most painful and bloody way possible. i want to finally let everyone know that i'm not the quiet one who keeps to themselves. that i would destroy everything if i had the chance. that if i could get the courage to kill myself, i wouldn't waste any time doing it. i almost did today. almost. i wish i had. i'm sick of living with this pain and i want it to end. the part that gets me is that i don't really wish my body any harm. it's more the fact that i just want to feel the death creeping in on me. i want to know that i'm destroying myself. but i can't destroy this body because where would the voices go then? they don't want me to die, but one of them sure wants my blood. all the time sometimes. mostly when i'm at school. where, of course, there's nothing i can do to act on that, unless i can get a knife and get it into the bathroom and end things there. but, and this may seem irrational, i don't want to die anywhere that someone could find my body and have their life ruined by it. i mean, just because i'm all fucked up doesn't mean that other people deserve the same thing. i guess that's the reason i'm still living (and i haven't beaten halo on legendary yet, yes that is something that i'm living for). but i want to die. i hate myself. i fucking hate myself. and there's no one that i can talk to about it without screwing their life up too. people have their own problems, they don't need to hear mine. (this is the exeption, my OD is just poetry pretty much, this is where i can say stuff like this) guess that's it. i hate myself. i reasearched the battery thing more and it says that small batteries like watch batteries and hearing aid batteries won't kill you. (there's a whole page dedicated to this topic, quite interesting actually) now i'm just wondering...russian roulette. there's a 50/50 chance that the battery would burst inside me and burn me with the acid. i want it. i've hit myself, cut myself, done stupid things to hurt myself, but i've never swallowed a battery before. i think i know where one is too. now i just want to know when the acid might hit me. i'd prefer the middle of the night when no one would notice and drag me to the hospital. 50/50 is pretty good. i like it, the fear that it might burst and might not. it's funny, in a way, i like to control things about myself, but i'd rather leave this to chance. and hope that it bursts.

Maze

Do not get lost
In this maze that you've built
As the faces appear
And fill you with guilt.
The walls rise up
Until they can't go any higher
And they're made of your fear,
Shadows, and fire.

I see you tremble inside
As you make a decision:
You vow to change
The way that you're living.
But the path never ends
So you hold the knife closer.
How you would change
You never knew for sure.

And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.

You take a wrong turn
And freeze in place
To meet the wall of memories
In front of your face.
You turn around quickly
But you've been boxed in
And you scream one last time
Before you face yourself again.

And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.


I wrote this a while ago. i'm just being lazy and i didn't want to talk about school, so i dug through an old binder. actually, it's not that old. i wrote it last month i think. or something. anyways, keep breathing, and remember me.

First Cut

Taste the salt of my tears
I fear what I want to do
So filled with hate that I couldn't
Stop
Touch the smoothness of my death
The sharp corners that turn light
To darkness
Hear my sobs before
And after I can't stop
Laughing
The smell of incense and smoke and
Sulfur
I burn in my own personal hell
Echoes of his voice taunting me
So I cut through them
Cut as hard as I can so the sound
Dissolves to my blood
Laughing so hard with tears in my
Eyes
I shatter the shell of my heart
And become numb
The day darkens and I hear
Laughing from inside.


yay, i am now officially in creative writing. i got to write this and not worry about the teach turning me in to the counselours cuz he didn't take them up. prompt: the first time we did something, but it couldn't be school. well, obviously i chose the first time that i cut myself. depressing yes, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i haven't been able to think about much but the knife i hid anyway. so that worked vaguely well. i really think that this year will be kinda fun, i have a pretty good schedule soooo, if i can care this year, i should raise my gpa a lot. and i happen to be with the band, so i no longer have to say that i am completely alone on friday nights. which is good. at least it gets me out of the house.

anyway, today was the first day of school. damn principal. he invited all the parents to attend with us. yeah, right. mine were like, awwww hell no. not that they actually said that, but it was pretty much the same. sooo, we got free lunch and an hour and something to eat it. and only 25 minutes in each class. kinda funny watching the teachers already nervous about school trying to get through the syllabi in that short a time.

my dad also started spazzing on me tonight. our computers are hooked together and we were trying for a network, but we didn't get that yet. i'm hooked up to his DSL box, so if he unplugs that, then i'm offline too. well, he unplugged it, and i asked him to not (i thought i was pretty polite about it). but he said something like, sorry to bother you, and slammed the cords back into the box. geez, wtf? and they said that they'd come to the game tonight. but, of course, they didn't show up. whatever. guess i didn't want them there anyway. damn parents.

Beat the Wall

I beat the wall and scream aloud
To hide what is within me
And even though the blood runs down
I turn against myself again
To kill the only living part of me
That happened to survive
And I turn again to darkness
And the light blinds my eyes
Pain is the only sound I fell
Fell so far and I wanted to run
But there was not choice of that
I look upon the scars each day
To see if they will fade
I want to die and scream
For everything that I ever thought
Was mostly false and pain remembers
The way I was and what I knew
Back before I thought this way
Back before I fell into the darkness
I want to cry but tears mean blood
And blood means that death is there
Take this knife from my hands
And rip my heart out because I can no longer move
Or speak or wish for help
There is no help for the likes of me
No one would listen to the voices I know
Whisper to me what you will
There are three and I am one
Who am I to deny them what they wish
For I am not always that strong
And I want to let them control it all
So I scream and hit the wall.

Blackness in the Centre

I. Before the Storm

Bury me at twilight
Because I crave the dark wind
Whisper to me wonders
Of the kind that never end
When I am nothing more than ashes
I will sing again...
But til then
Allow the stars to shine forever.


II. The Storm

I die every time I take the knife
KILL ME
KILL MY DREAMS
KILL EVERYTHING THAT I'VE WORKED FOR
I AM NOTHING
MAKE ME NOTHING
TAKE THIS BLOOD
TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME
TAKE MY SOUL
YOU WANT IT
LET THE BLOOD FLOW FROM ME
I SCREAM EVERY TIME I CRY
AND THIS BLOOD IS MY LIFE
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
FOR I AM NOTHING
AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF ME
BUT THIS BLOOD I HAVE
SLIT MY ARMS WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE
SO I RUN FROM YOUR EYES
AND I AM NOTHING MORE THAN THIS
I die every time I take the knife


III. After the Storm

I will wait for the silence
And I shall not be torn away
When the blood runs down my arms
Into the vortex I allowed to be.
I will listen for the quiet
And my heart will beat again
When the whispers no longer coax me
Into making the ultimate decision.
Is it life or death?
And would anyone really care
If it was the latter?

To Label Ourselves

well, i finally got my schedule straightened out. not that it matters or anything. but whatever. this year should be pretty easy. if i can make myself care enough to try...unlike last year.

well, kids, today's topic is labels!!! and not that kind you find on glass bottles!!! i looked goth up in the dictionary. i can't be a goth, i'm not german. course, i can't be much of anything (thought i'd say that before someone else did). but uhh, the encyclopedia says something else entirely. but that leads to more labels and i have now at this moment desided that it's not worth it to follow all of those links. however, neither of these things lets me understand what being a goth really is. i've been called that, often, and i don't really know why. just because i wear all black? or is there something else? i don't know. and what about punk? what is that? the dictionary didn't help, and the encyclopedia didn't either. so, what is that exactly, because what i thought of as punk was listed under goth...geez, i am so confused. hmm, i tried prep. i won't even put a link to the dictionary, it was useless. these things just aren't the definitions i thought they were. prep doens't sound like a derogatory word, but that's the only way i hear it used. as is goth. i guess all labels are just meant to be mean. to classify one person as something or other. because that person or group of people upsets someone and they must have a word to describe it. i'm guilty of using labels too. i think just about everybody is.

humans fear the strange and unknown. it must be qualified, labeled, and set aside. this makes us feel better, but it doesn't change what we have labeled, it changes us.

So I'm Lazy...

ahh, i haven't written anything recently. poem-wise that is. tried to work on one, but i couldn't think of anything that rhymed with death besides breath and meth (crytal that is), but those don't work, soooo....i'm trying not to post anything exeptionally suicidal on here. or dark. or creepy. wait...i am those things...damn. ahh, well, i challenged a guy to a game of halo. he says he's very good. i say hah. soooo, i guess i'll practise a little on that. or a lot. i can't get passed this one point in the first game (legendary) and it's driving me insane...

crap. i wish i didn't have to hide what i feel. and that i didn't have to worry about what i would do to other people if i told them. and that i hadn't started a whole nother journal thing becasue i was afraid for people to know. but they do know. they just don't say anything. and it's so obvious what i am. sometimes it's just pointless for me to stick around on this earth. and i keep a knife in my room. lies, all lies. and i live them. and wish that they were true, sometimes. or that i could at least go one day and not feel guilty for drawing my next breath. guilty for everything i've put everyone through. and all i have left to say is...i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for the way that i am. and i want out, but it's so far and i can't reach, i can't touch the door
and it's the last thing i'll ever say to you
if you'll give me the chance to speak
everything that i've said and every tear
every wasted breath that spoke a lie
that denied the obvious blaring truth
would kill my soul more than you'll ever know
and i'm sorry for being this way
so i could tell you one day about the stupid things
i'v done and the lies i've said
i'm sorry forever, and it's all my fault
that my world is going to end.

well, so much for not posting anything depressing anymore...damn it.

Wishing Well

Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
Drop a penny in
Wait for the water to still
Shattered dreams to rings
Around the moon I'll sing
Drift into a dream land
Where mist consumes my every action
Stars to glisten and tear me apart
To whisper inside me...
To whisper...
In my heart.
Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
The ripples slow...
And the water is still.


hmm, i'm pretty certain it sounds like i'm on something. what is it with writing about anything dreamlike or naturey that makes me sound high? anyway, i welcome everyone and scream (alright, just think) my happiness that someone besides annie has commented. (no offense annie, but uhhh, yeah, i'll leave it at that) well, is everyone ready to head back to school??? *ducks as rocks are thrown* hey!!! it was just a question!! well, at least no one has to put up with She Who Says We March Outside In The Middle Of the Day (aka mrs gale) for next week. then i work, then i scream at the stupid counselor cuz she couldn't get my schedule right...again...for the 4th time (or is it the 5th...?). then i work more. then i have an emotional breakdown (always good to plan ahead) and then i can go back to school and quit this damn job. it's not that it doesn't pay enough, i think it's great! but, uh, i hate people, and i hate calling people, and i just hate having to work with people in general (present company excluded course). and i'm really just sick of it. at least at school, people don't ask me what i did to my arm...or if they do, they accept some lame excuse or whatever. i uh fell down the stairs and uh i was also carrying a knife and uh i have a cat. yeah. hmmm, well, wasn't this fun and exciting??? no??? yeah, i didn't think so.

Here's Something Shocking

i hate it when people harass me, damn it! so i'm not like everyone else!!! big fat hairy deal!

Shocking Facts:
1. I have never had a date
2. Nor do I want one
3. I hate $$
4. I do not wear stereotypic clothes (ie, skirts for girls, button downs for guys)
5. I do not have a car
6. I am not rich
7. I don't care what anyone thinks about me
8. I am a Social Outcast
9. If any of this bothers you, cram it up your-

Destroy A World

Threads in a tapestry
Woven together in rain
The green grass grows
To cover the pain
Lava bowling just below
The calm surface of Earth
Start to spin faster
To finish the death

Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space

The surface crumbles
The orbit is gone
And the Earth is left
To move rushing on
Too many stars
To keep her bound here
She's free
Now she has nothing to fear

Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space