Making A List...

name as many forms of abuse as you can. i just want to see something, so please, humour me.

False Hope

it's an interesting feeling, being on the verge of tears...i haven't cried in so long, i don't really remember...all i could think of was how good it would feel to cry again...what happend was a really stupid thing that just...shouldn't have made me like this...i was s'posed to go somewhere with some friends, and it was going good until i had a time that i had to meet them...then my mother (cuz i don't have my lisence yet) took me to a store and instead of just staying there about 20 mins like we were s'posed to, she made me stay 2 hours. so i'm there glaring at the clock and she's telling me to relax and not be so stressed. so we get in the car and go to pick up my check, which we were going to cash and then head out of town, well, i get my check and then my stepdad starts complaing that he's hungry (he was in the car with us) so we stop by burger king *barf* and get some food and sit in the lot and eat. then we go to cash the fucking check...then we just have to go home cuz my stepdad wanted to and unload the stuff we bought and i get a call saying that my friends are leaving and they have to go home (around this time was an hour fifteen after i was s'posed to meet them). so yeah...i pretty much almost break down on the phone...(for those wondering why this would bother me so much, i never do anything with any of my friends...cuz friends are bad dontcha know, well, that's what my stepdad says and he told me that i'm not good enough for them and all this shit) so yeah, i bought a benchpress bar and a curl bar and i'm assembling them in my room cuz i had to do something or explode and he comes in while my mom is helping me put the screw in and he says "don't throw this against the wall cuz it'll knock a hole in it." no shit, sherlock. gosh damn, i'm not a fucking retard. i'm in weight training for fuck's sake, i fucking know what one of those would do to my wall. then he goes all serious and he's like "but i bet you already knew that, right?" and i nodded, cuz yeah, i knew that so he started in on me about my bad attitude and actually wanting to do something with my friends that, ohmygosh, would require someone to drive me somewhere. IF HE'D LET ME GET MY FUCKING LISENCE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK TO BE CARTED AROUND. fuck this. i think i'll go do something...deconstructive

but what I meant was that he didn't put on his post "I NEED HELP. CONSOLE ME WITH MEANINGLESS BABBLE"
-ShadeofDeath

Struck With Nothing

meh, nothing to say, or at least, nothing that doesn't sound so cliche i'd have to shoot myself. actually, i thought about posting some poems i wrote to Deirdre (*ahem* i rename my friends so that i can write about them...though i'm pretty certain that i can't call this person a friend). but, i read over them, and one was sooo dark...in relation to me...the other was so...um...dark and violent (a collab between me and an awesome guy in my CW class, not that i talk to many people in there, but he added this brilliant ending to it and it really seems to work out well) in relation to her. meh, i'll end up posting them if she ever makes me that mad again...or if she vaguely annoys me, it doesn't take much to make me homicidal, what takes a lot is taking me past homicide into the "evil sadist" mode. then i have these random daydreams of torturing people...which i nearly did once so don't make me that mad...*innocent smile*

go watch these:
Element Trailor, good flash graphics, lovely stroy line
Merry Melony episode 1, omgosh, this is amazing
The Ultimate Showdown, hey, it's funny! we need to laugh sometimes!

i'd put the suicide one on here, but, uh, yeah...it's not conducive to living

Running Embrace

Fate of the eyes
We're going to shut you up
Tonight
We're going to run until we die
And we're not gonna stop
Not 'til we fucking know how far
This goes
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight
Somehow we'll bring them home
Take our fucking soul out
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're gonna take them home
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight

And Now For Something Completely Different

omgosh! i hate some of the people who come into Krispy Kreme!!!!!! *rages, bangs head into wall* ARRRRRGGGGGGH. *bursts into tears and gets machete* haHA! now they will not be so stupid!!

Stupid Person 1: I see the hot light's on. Oh, do you have hot donuts right now?
Me: NO! TODAY ONLY! HOTLIGHT ON AND NO DONUTS! BUT WHEN WE START MAKING THEM, WE'LL TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

Me: Would you like some napkins?
Stupid Person 2: Sure, if you have any
Me: ACTUALLY, I GAVE THE LAST TO THAT GUY OVER THERE! I WAS JUST ASKING TO TAUNT YOU

Stupid Person 3: Why don't you have a half dozen deal?!
Me: CUZ THEN NO ONE WOULD BUY A FULL DOZEN, BIOTCH

Stupid Person 4 (while pointing to sign with the donut of the month flavour on it): Is your donut of the month still pumpkin spice cake?
Me: NO, WE JUST HAVE THAT SIGN UP CUZ WE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT DOWN

*bangs head into keyboard* why why why why why are people so freaking stupid?!?!? i swear, the next stupid person will have me lunging out the window in drive thru at their throat!!!!! *screams* and i have to be nice to the morons or i'll lose the job! if i ever quit, i'll just say some of this stuff to people. i've had ample opportunity...*dark gaze* i'm serious...*runs repeatedly into wall* and of course, this isn't all that they ask/say. oh, there's more, much more! and some of the orders!!!!

Stupid Health Freak: Can I have a large hot chocolate...with skim milk?
Me:...*blank gaze* ...WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??? WE PUT 10 SQUIRTS OF CHOCOLATE INTO THOSE THINGS! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE MAKING IT ANY HEALTHIER

Random Stupid Person: I want something to keep me awake...how about a medium decaf coffee?
Me: ...*wtf?*

yeah, that one got me...i didn't even think anything sarcastic about them...just kinda...yeah, decaf is really gonna do ya a good one there. *nods wisely* meh, and then tonight, the guy didn't say he wanted the mocha decaf, so right when i was about to go supervise the making of said mocha, he grabs the drive thru window and nearly pulls himself in the window and says "i did say that's s'posed to be decaf, right??" and i'm like "what...? um, no, no you didn't..." and i run down to the steamer and try to catch the chick before she adds the chocolate...thankfully we could use the espresso in something else...dumbarse hillbillies...oh! and i found out KK is the hangout of all emo kids in this county! they come in at least 20 times a night for a free donut, reaking of pot and ciggies and who knows what else, voraciously devour the donuts, and leave...i've never seen so many emo kids all together...not even at school and that's saying something. well...on the plus side of all this, i get to make fun of everyone stupid (and all emos) with the other people working...and i ordered a black shirt online, so i don't have to wear *shudders* white anymore.

well, i think i'm done ranting...i'll leave you with this thought...All it takes is two steps forward and one step back

Fact #139

Every emo kid everywhere owns at least one thing with a checkerboard pattern, usually a pair of shoes.


so, we stated school again today. which sucked. like hell. not just cuz i got homework (we just got back!! please!!) but cuz i just couldn't...i mean, well, i should have cut it out last night. and i didn't. i said i wouldn't and i didn't. so i kept one promise out of thousands. and today i paid the price for it. i couldn't look anyone in the eyes, i couldn't even speak to anyone, i always looked at the floor (nice tyle pattern, lovely fake rock thingies, and they sparkle in the sun!)

i hope it fucking explodes and takes your head off, i hope it takes me over and kills you. let me be! i don't need you anymore. let me be. let me be! fucking leave me alone to this misery! without you i could get better! without you i could live again! FUCK OFF

I Think, They Speak

i know it's not worth this feeling
failure, you're such a failure
but i can't help letting it get to me
becuase you'll never be like them
how it burns me through
yes, let it in
just to know that i'm like this
you'll always be this way
and you're like that
don't look into the light
if you even knew how sick i am
and we have you in chains
of all this death and darkness
the only thing you are worth
maybe you'd listen more
you fool yourself
maybe you'd try to talk to me
they all hate you
more than you do right now
they do it from pity
or maybe you'd just leave me be
of course they would, my child
for what has more pull
say what you are
than a creature of the shadows...

Another Year

well, it's 2006. a whole new year, 365 days that we haven't traveled yet...and when it's all said and done, it's just another year to be lonely, another year to be in pain each and every day. a whole year that we have to get through so that we can get through another year and another and another until we're old. and then we just...kind of die. and no one notices. we're just another number on another graph somewhere and then our 'personal' number is written down as deceased and that's that. who cares to remember the dead...the dead walk the halls and no one is there to comfort them...people like me, it's our job to remember them, all of them...but who wants to admit to that. and the sun is shining and i don't really think that it's worth it anymore, but here's the new year, and we have to stay around just long enough to prove that this year will suck as much as the last. or maybe things will change and we'll find a way...because there's always a way, we just don't always see it.

May we all see where to go, Happy New Year

New Year's Rememberance