Saturday, January 26, 2008

T R A S H

I walk outside
And breathe the scent of the night.
When the demons call me,
Why should I fight?
I'm just a shadow,
Do I really know what's right?
Just a shadow
In the wind of the night

It's hard to move on;
The past has taken it's toll.
Should I always remember
'Til my memory's full?
Or just let it all fade
'Til it's just a dark hole?
The future loses promise
To the past's toll

It's the middle of the night;
I grip my pencil.
My thoughts are like so much trash
Still I trace their stencil.
It's a heavy burden to bear
That I've yet to reconcile.
It's too fucking late,
But I grip my pencil

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Back in the Beginning

I'd forgotten how beautiful I am in the darkness. How could I forget? How could I let slip something so freeing? I walked outside tonight into the darkness and wind. It caressed me. Touched what hurt. I miss belonging to that. The wind in the darkness.

All you can see of me is my silhouette, an hourglass figure in a long skirt with long hair blowing wildly every which way. I'm just a dream.

Is that what I'm supposed to take away from this life? That you can dream beautifully but no matter how wonderful it is, you have to wake up sometime? I don't want to be so jaded. The world has other ideas. I dream and wake and find that dreams are a cold comfort in the end. Is that all life is? Periods of dreaming and wakefulness? Does anyone else ever see what I do?

When I finally fall back asleep into my current fantasy, will it be as wonderful? Or will the pain of realization have stolen all the golden beauty away from me?

I can't believe I forgot how beautiful I am in the darkness. I am graceful and intelligent. Unlike the pale child the light reveals me to be, cowering in a corner, hoping my scars aren't as evident as they feel. The light blinds me and I forget things. I forget how to speak and walk and live. Until the darkness cradles me again. Then I walk with confidence and speak with assurance. I am the embodiment of grace and beauty in darkness.

How could I have forgotten something so wonderful?

Friday, January 04, 2008

Popcorn Fetish

What should I say to make you believe
I'm the lie I told you
I describe myself and you eat every sentence
Like it's pure golden truth
Every time you come near I uncap the jar with my lies
My sweet alibies
My salty excuses
My sour refuses

I don't want to talk about me

Let's talk about you

Are you who you're trying to be?
Are you the pretty reflection in the mirror
Or the meat beneath the orange rind?

I WANT YOU TO PULL OUT YOUR SECRETS!

Stop standing with your hands behind your back
Let me see what you're holding
I want the pith you hide under your pillow at night
The little notes in the margins of your books
I know you have them
I have them
Stop pretending you're the angel on the top of the tree
I'm not below you, I'm not part of the whole
I'm at the window looking in
I see your smirking eyes like two bullets on the bedspread

I'LL GET YOUR SECRETS!

I take a moment to huddle against the wall
What I wouldn't give for a glass of ginger ale
The kind you can't breath around or you'll choke
I want to bury my face in it and remind myself of you
Just you
When I look up I know you'll be yelling for whatever else you can take
And I'll get it for you
Just to make you shut up a moment longer
I don't care if I do it wrong
That's your fault for not taking the time to show me
Next time, when you grow up, you'll do better
Or you'll be gone

I take my hands out from behind my back and study my secrets
Nothing you'll ever see
I keep my velvet box behind my heart
Every dirty little deed I ever did glistens like emeralds
I hold them close
Let the pain of error wash over me
Then let the delicious ones feast on what's left of my morals
Handcuffs squeeze my wrists until my hands turn blue
But I like it
You'll never know that
And I don't want you to

My mind wanders

Anything to get away from you for a while

We have tatoos in common
You have some, I want some
But you know what you want with the pin pricks
I can't decide
So I pull out the list of things I like
Handcuff myself to the sink and wash every dish you bring me
You say something but I don't bother rewinding to see what it was
I want wings
I've always wanted wings
Another thing I know you'll never learn
I'm disjointed
Stilted

I want your secrets laid out on the counter
I want to sort them
Lay them out and wash them and take another look
Maybe hold them up to the window and let the light shine through

I WANT YOUR SECRETS!

I bow from the weight of my secrets
My box barely shuts, even with all my heart on top of it
Does that say more about my secrets
Or how little heart I have left?
I'm not even ashamed of some

I finish the dishes but keep the handcuffs
It gives me something to look forward to later
The promise of pain shivers down my back and through my breasts
A secret I would gladly proclaim if I could
I have no shame about it
Suddenly sensitive to my too-tight bra, I readjust
I promise myself as much pain as I can take
Maybe more if I'm good
I'll be good

I huddle in the blind spot between cameras
A secret springs out of the box and I fail to catch it
I like to feel used
Dirty
Like a twenty dollar whore
But keep your money
My bra is too tight again and it rubs against my nipples
My secrets want out, but I finally get my hands behind my back again
Paste on my best normal face
The only thing left from the secret is a lingering tingle

I know it'll fade
 
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.