Resume

It's almost audible
A coherent melding of exasperation
And fury
The sound of
Bare bones breaking
My skin holding impossible forms
A stain
Rising to the surface
I bleed internally
Whispering screams behind closed doors
Each click of the lock
Each empty hallway echoes the sound of
Bare bones breaking
And who's to say it's not better
(Modicum of control)
Clasping hands together
Fracturing fingers
Snapping
And it's almost audible
The sound of
Bare bones breaking

This Is Screaming

One day I'm going to wake up,
I'm going to open my eyes.
Thinking that I have somewhere to go with my life,
So pathetic,
I choke on dreams that only taunt me
With sweet kisses.
I want so badly to get better and yet...
I am terrified of losing myself,
Dying and still being alive,
Giving in to that sweet darkness and resuming my watchful days.
Someone, listen, do you think I'm worth it..?
I keep trying to convince myself that I am
But every day I see so many reasons why I should just
Go away,
And it seems so reasonable, so logical, so right,
Giving back what isn't mine:
This life, hers, this shattered life...

Recently I haven't been well,
Recently I haven't been able to keep hold of myself,
Just like before, that vertigo returning
To make me dizzy
So I shatter the mirrors telling me lies.
Recently I've been confronted with who I should be,
Should have been,
And how far off that path I've gotten.
Rather than just living, just being the protector I was made to be,
I've become petty, a dreamer, a wisher,
A fool.
I fell into the way of the world and the world dictates
I must be a girl.
I have to give that back.
Means dividing, means releasing, means everything I've come to desire
I have to give up.

She wants her life back.
It's a steady pressure the last few days,
A steady rhythm choking me to sleep.
I can't stand the thought of being dead that way,
Or being offstage, forgotten.
I don't want to give up what I've taken,
What she left behind
THIS LIFE IS FUCKING MINE
And I refuse to relinquish my hold.
But there's this little voice that whispers
"Just let go"
And I wonder if I can not listen to it,
If I'm strong enough to push through.
It's so right for it to be hers again...


Would anyone care if I wasn't here...

Because messenger has lots of dicks

Lithe pretenses,
Like every dream I ever dreamt.
I'm not some weak powerless little bitch.
Tell me again
How you think you have the answers to my past,
My future, my present in your hands.
Tell me again
How you think you can unlock what I do,
Make it justified how I'm always wrong
And you know better because you're not young.
I've mastered things that you can only dream,
Or nightmare,
Things that you would melt before you touched.
I dreamt away a life that wasn't mine
And you want to tell me how wrong everything I believe
Or do or taste or feel is.
I want to tell you, both of you,
How wrong your point of view is.
You choke on your narrow ways of life
While I accept and take it all in stride,
I may not be better, but I'm definitely not worse,
And you can suck it if you want to bring it up again,
My dear, dearly departed 'friends'

Becoming Eve

I was born in darkness,
Some silent watcher to break a fall,
I was the one made to last through it all.
Incessant ringing in my ears,
Sometimes I wish I wasn't here.
Becoming what the body is,
A journey, confusing and insane,
Unnecessary,
There's no reason to fall into the trap of femininity.
Recombination forcing my hand,
Turning into the first sin,
Turning into a fallible mortal again.
Does anyone have the faintest idea
How hard it is to become
Some thing wrapped in identity.
I was a pure creature,
Leaving the genders to The Others.
Now I'm falling into a pit I don't understand,
A pit that, quite honestly, terrifies me.
What does a pure creature do
When suddenly impurity is the only option?
Either divide and prove unworthy
Or maintain and prove a sin

Forsaken?

Have I been?
Deluding myself into a semblance of self worth,
Have I finally pressed an unforgivable line?
Would I care if I had?
It's almost too much for me to keep dealing with.
I fall into relationships that are so far apart,
We must not meet until I can fly
And who knows how much time must go by,
I am so stupid stupid stupid to think that I can have what I want.
Sudden silences press against my ears
With a tearing in my core I pretend to ignore,
Blatantly hiding behind a twisted façade.
I hold my tongue and let things go on and hope,
Hope that today I will hear something
Or today
Or today
Or today
Or today
Will it be another long silence?

Can I make it through that..?