Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Samhain

Ticker tape bandit
Sublime criminal, breath held
What water falls behind your eyes
True justice laid at my bedside
Pincushion poltergeists with rapid motion
Colourful swirls of ebony and white
The window lets them in from outside
Crossless facets of a blinding tune
Up comes down
This jar holds the moon
Behold the glory of a broken sound
Ticker tape bandit
Up comes down

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Crisp

Because it's like
Eternal wandering.

"Autumn favouritism,"
She said.

It's stuck in my throat
But she just smiles
And walks away.

These trees are a tomb
For a wretched heart.
She's walking my grave.

"Ephemeral,"
She said.
She smiles as she turns.

"Walk with me,"
I whisper.

She pretends not to hear.

That's okay.
These trees are my tomb
And she'll be back,
She always is.
Autumn favouritism;
Bleeding brown.

It's never been so clear.

_________
Anonymous: Even though I don't know who you are, thanks.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Depth

Don't take me for granted:
I have a fetish for falling.
Below the surface
I'm not what you see,
I have a darkness inside me.
Take advantage,
It's all I need.
Redemption is a painful purity to seek.
Inside the mind
It's like floating on ashes,
Taken to places where I am free.
It's like drifting on cotton,
My legs give out under me.
I have a fetish for falling,
Darkness lulling me into blank dreams.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

You Only Disappear

I'm going to share something very precious with you.



There was a turning point for me, when I was with Aodhan. There was one night, one dark night, where I discovered that I had to leave. I sat at my desk and sang along with this song for hours, crying. I can still taste the metal of the gun barrel that I had in my mouth at one point.

I sound like just another stupid kid, right? I know. But I have never known anything other than abuse, and that's hard to take.

Something harder, I regret leaving. Especially because he was...he was ill, and that's why he mistreated me. It doesn't excuse everything, but it explains it all. For the whole three people who actually read this, if you haven't visited this link yet, here it is. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to figure it out, and learn how to deal with it. I am bi-polar. I know how to fight, and how to counter, and how to hide. I have a firm hand on my emotions, a metal collar, and they only run rampant in my head and in my words. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to get better.

That night showed me how little time I had left if I didn't leave. I couldn't control myself anymore. I couldn't keep that part of me quiet. I am not a weak person, I have never been, out of necessity. I was shattering, shattered, at that point. I'm hardly better now.

I've always lived with no regrets, but now I have one. I don't know how to take it. It feels natural, to regret, but at the same time, it feels like I should have been better all along. I should have known better than to love, I should have known better than to leave, I should have known better than to not pull the trigger.

I'm sorry for the depressing topics of my posts as of late. I'm using my blog as a confessional again, something I haven't done outright for years. I can't tell if it's because I'm trying to heal or I'm falling to pieces.

Every time I open myself to someone, even a little, I get burned. I have too many problems right now, too much pressure. Maybe that's why I keep confessing every time I open my mouth. Or rather, touch a keyboard. I don't want to be by myself forever, and right now it's the direction I'm headed in.



Armand: If I am merely symmetry for Emily's girlfriend, let me go now, before I hang on any longer. My patience, while infinite in the right circumstances, is wearing thin in this. I won't wait forever for you to figure out that, even though I am not a needy person, I do expect you to acknowledge my existence at least once a month.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

How To

It's come to my attention that next to no one knows how to act in a fast food restaurant. Good thing I'm here to clear this mess up! I've worked in various fast food places and have just the experience needed to help you, your friends, your parents, and your children learn how, and how NOT, to act when frequenting a fast food joint.

1. DON'T BE AN IDIOT - This should go without saying, but sadly, it must be said. There's really no specifics involved here, just don't be a blathering dolt and you should be okay. Don't assume that you know more than the person who works there (exceptions apply), especially if they're explaining how something works. Don't be pushy, bossy, arrogant, or disrespectful. Remember, we're the ones handling your food in areas that you can't see.

2. DO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR CHILDREN - We sure as hell don't want them wandering behind the counter, wandering out the door into the parking lot, wandering into the bathrooms, or wandering into other people's food. It's not only annoying for us, it's also annoying for the other customers. We're not going to watch your kids. It's not our job. If they break something, guess who gets to buy it?! You do! Hooray! So keep track of the little buggers.

3. DO SHUT YOUR DAMN BABY UP - There is nothing worse than the resounding howl of an infant/toddler/small child, especially in a building that contains no carpet whatsoever. If they start crying, do something about it! We don't want to fucking hear it! Take them outside! Take them to the car! Who cares, get them out of the place! You know, it's fine, within reason, if your kid is having a fit, and you're attending to them. That's cool, we can wait. But for the love of all that is holy, if you're one of those parents who goes by the training method of 'ignore it and it'll stop,' DON'T BOTHER COMING IN. You're just annoying everyone around you, and you will eventually be asked to leave.

I cannot even begin to tell you how annoying it is having to listen to an idle parent's brat. I don't have kids because I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO THEM SHRIEKING LIKE A CRAZED HOWLER MONKEY when they don't get sprinkles. I shouldn't have to put up with 45 minutes worth of tantrum because you're too sorry of a parent to do anything about it. Or you don't have the balls. Or you've decided that your child is an angel and their demonic howling is quite angelic, in the right light. This is based on a true story. If I ever see this lady again I may go on a wild killing spree.

4. DON'T GO THROUGH DRIVE-THRU ON YOUR CELL - Why the fuck do you think you're so important that we should have to wait for you? If you're on your phone, pull off into the lot, finish your conversation, and then order. Or put the phone down while you order! But don't make us wait for you to finish finding out what happened on the latest episode of your favourite reality show.

It's also super rude to be on the phone when you get up to the window. I mean, you don't go up to the register on your phone, now do you. No, you sure as fuck don't. So why would you go up to the drive register on one? If we repeat your order back, and you're not listening, and then it's wrong, that's your own fucking fault.

5. DON'T BYPASS THE SPEAKER - Unless you are legally deaf, have trouble reading, or can't speak loudly enough for us to hear you, stop at the damn speaker! You are not king or queen of anything, you have to stop just like everyone else does! This goes back to not harassing the people who are handling your food. If you decide that you can do whatever you want, and pass the speaker, then that messes up all of our orders. Or if you don't trip the sensor at the speaker, you're going to be sitting at the window for a long damn time. We can't hear you honking. Don't bother.

6. DO ASK - For anything. Really. If you want your x kept in y, then ask! (For instance, ice cream kept in the freezer) If you want condiments or napkins or your receipt, ask! Don't expect us to be psychic. We have a certain amount of things we put in bags, and if you want more, then you're going to have to tell us. If you don't want your sundae to melt, we'd be more than happy to keep it in the freezer until the rest of your order is ready. If you don't ask, and then want it remade, you're making us waste product because you're too much of an imbecile to understand that ICE CREAM FUCKING MELTS. Also based on a true story.

7. DON'T BE AN IDIOT - I figured I should end here. Retouch on this point. We handle your food. We handle your food. Remember this. Meditate on it. Think about it next time you go into a fast food restaurant.

That is all.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Nomnomnom

Turns out that when I try to free write 1000 words, it turns into 4700. Who knew? In other news, I'm not entirely certain what to do with it now...or how it should end exactly. I kind of suck at endings when they're not super tragic. And I really wanted this one to not be super tragic. But the ending I have now bothers me. I wanted a concrete ending.

You know the ending to "The Tiger and the Princess"? Yeah, that's kind of what it is right now. I didn't even name my characters.

I confuse myself.

Also, I'm super exhausted. I've been writing for like...three or four hours (with distractions). Kinda buzzed. Should really sleep. Don't like sleeping, really.

I bet that the guy opened the tiger door.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Divergence

I stand at a crossroads every day. Every night. I stand in the middle of two choices, two options always, and I close my eyes and take one.

Flip a coin. Roll the dice.

Fractals. My endless oblivion of choosing life.

I have taken the high road. The low road. The road that leads to nowhere and the road that leads to change. I have put off making decisions and decided in haste. I have thought carefully and left it to fate.

Fractals.

There's always a choice.

Sometimes I stay up until dawn and look at the sun rising and think about sleeping. It's a choice. The dead never sleep.

The dead sleep forever.

The dead never sleep. I have forgotten why I should. It's dangerous to worship death when one is alive. It's dangerous to contemplate not choosing life. It doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Really, is it? Fade away.

Angels are puppets are pawns are demons hiding.

Fractals. I have to make a decision. Endlessly choosing life has gotten me nowhere. Has gotten me to another corner. Life always seems to end in corners. Am I just not navigating the maze right? Should I have known which paths to take?

The cheese is here somewhere.

Fractals. I have to make a decision. There's an oblivion waiting for me. I could walk out the door right now and disappear. I could walk out the door and keep walking and go...somewhere. I could go somewhere else and lose myself in the writhing masses. They're fractals.

I have to expect this.

I keep choosing life.

One day, I won't make that decision. It will be made for me. It will be my hand not my hand my hand that takes the low road. The high road. The road that I keep denying.

Tell you what. When I vanish, be it in a city where I change my name, or gently into that good night, I won't let you know. I'll just vanish. I want you to remember me as something worth remembering.

Flip a coin. Roll the dice.

I stand at a crossroads every day. Every night. I stand in the middle of two choices, two options always, and I close my eyes and take one.

Fractals.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Counterfeit

I'm going to tell you a story
It might be a lie.
I'm going to spread it across the sky.
You won't know if I just change it here
You won't know if I just disappear.
I have a song to sing
But it doesn't have a melody.
I have a plan to run
But I know how it ends for me.
Something's got a hold on me,
I'm not the person you thought I'd be
You've got to listen:
I'm going to tell you a story
It might be the truth.
It's not like anyone ever knew.
I have a secret, you just never heard
I'm the one who acts absurd.
Take a look behind the door,
That little girl doesn't exist anymore.
I have a song to sing,
But the melody was burned.
I have a story to tell,
But with all the stories I've ever told
It's getting old.
I will lead you through a door
And then I won't be here anymore.
I'm going to let you in on a secret
Just promise me you'll keep it.
I'm going to tell you a story,
It might be a lie.
I'm going to wander off into the night.
Take the time
We have all the time
We have nothing but time
We have nothing
But lies


 
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