Making A List...

name as many forms of abuse as you can. i just want to see something, so please, humour me.

False Hope

it's an interesting feeling, being on the verge of tears...i haven't cried in so long, i don't really remember...all i could think of was how good it would feel to cry again...what happend was a really stupid thing that just...shouldn't have made me like this...i was s'posed to go somewhere with some friends, and it was going good until i had a time that i had to meet them...then my mother (cuz i don't have my lisence yet) took me to a store and instead of just staying there about 20 mins like we were s'posed to, she made me stay 2 hours. so i'm there glaring at the clock and she's telling me to relax and not be so stressed. so we get in the car and go to pick up my check, which we were going to cash and then head out of town, well, i get my check and then my stepdad starts complaing that he's hungry (he was in the car with us) so we stop by burger king *barf* and get some food and sit in the lot and eat. then we go to cash the fucking check...then we just have to go home cuz my stepdad wanted to and unload the stuff we bought and i get a call saying that my friends are leaving and they have to go home (around this time was an hour fifteen after i was s'posed to meet them). so yeah...i pretty much almost break down on the phone...(for those wondering why this would bother me so much, i never do anything with any of my friends...cuz friends are bad dontcha know, well, that's what my stepdad says and he told me that i'm not good enough for them and all this shit) so yeah, i bought a benchpress bar and a curl bar and i'm assembling them in my room cuz i had to do something or explode and he comes in while my mom is helping me put the screw in and he says "don't throw this against the wall cuz it'll knock a hole in it." no shit, sherlock. gosh damn, i'm not a fucking retard. i'm in weight training for fuck's sake, i fucking know what one of those would do to my wall. then he goes all serious and he's like "but i bet you already knew that, right?" and i nodded, cuz yeah, i knew that so he started in on me about my bad attitude and actually wanting to do something with my friends that, ohmygosh, would require someone to drive me somewhere. IF HE'D LET ME GET MY FUCKING LISENCE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK TO BE CARTED AROUND. fuck this. i think i'll go do something...deconstructive

but what I meant was that he didn't put on his post "I NEED HELP. CONSOLE ME WITH MEANINGLESS BABBLE"
-ShadeofDeath

Struck With Nothing

meh, nothing to say, or at least, nothing that doesn't sound so cliche i'd have to shoot myself. actually, i thought about posting some poems i wrote to Deirdre (*ahem* i rename my friends so that i can write about them...though i'm pretty certain that i can't call this person a friend). but, i read over them, and one was sooo dark...in relation to me...the other was so...um...dark and violent (a collab between me and an awesome guy in my CW class, not that i talk to many people in there, but he added this brilliant ending to it and it really seems to work out well) in relation to her. meh, i'll end up posting them if she ever makes me that mad again...or if she vaguely annoys me, it doesn't take much to make me homicidal, what takes a lot is taking me past homicide into the "evil sadist" mode. then i have these random daydreams of torturing people...which i nearly did once so don't make me that mad...*innocent smile*

go watch these:
Element Trailor, good flash graphics, lovely stroy line
Merry Melony episode 1, omgosh, this is amazing
The Ultimate Showdown, hey, it's funny! we need to laugh sometimes!

i'd put the suicide one on here, but, uh, yeah...it's not conducive to living

Running Embrace

Fate of the eyes
We're going to shut you up
Tonight
We're going to run until we die
And we're not gonna stop
Not 'til we fucking know how far
This goes
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight
Somehow we'll bring them home
Take our fucking soul out
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're gonna take them home
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight

And Now For Something Completely Different

omgosh! i hate some of the people who come into Krispy Kreme!!!!!! *rages, bangs head into wall* ARRRRRGGGGGGH. *bursts into tears and gets machete* haHA! now they will not be so stupid!!

Stupid Person 1: I see the hot light's on. Oh, do you have hot donuts right now?
Me: NO! TODAY ONLY! HOTLIGHT ON AND NO DONUTS! BUT WHEN WE START MAKING THEM, WE'LL TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

Me: Would you like some napkins?
Stupid Person 2: Sure, if you have any
Me: ACTUALLY, I GAVE THE LAST TO THAT GUY OVER THERE! I WAS JUST ASKING TO TAUNT YOU

Stupid Person 3: Why don't you have a half dozen deal?!
Me: CUZ THEN NO ONE WOULD BUY A FULL DOZEN, BIOTCH

Stupid Person 4 (while pointing to sign with the donut of the month flavour on it): Is your donut of the month still pumpkin spice cake?
Me: NO, WE JUST HAVE THAT SIGN UP CUZ WE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT DOWN

*bangs head into keyboard* why why why why why are people so freaking stupid?!?!? i swear, the next stupid person will have me lunging out the window in drive thru at their throat!!!!! *screams* and i have to be nice to the morons or i'll lose the job! if i ever quit, i'll just say some of this stuff to people. i've had ample opportunity...*dark gaze* i'm serious...*runs repeatedly into wall* and of course, this isn't all that they ask/say. oh, there's more, much more! and some of the orders!!!!

Stupid Health Freak: Can I have a large hot chocolate...with skim milk?
Me:...*blank gaze* ...WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??? WE PUT 10 SQUIRTS OF CHOCOLATE INTO THOSE THINGS! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE MAKING IT ANY HEALTHIER

Random Stupid Person: I want something to keep me awake...how about a medium decaf coffee?
Me: ...*wtf?*

yeah, that one got me...i didn't even think anything sarcastic about them...just kinda...yeah, decaf is really gonna do ya a good one there. *nods wisely* meh, and then tonight, the guy didn't say he wanted the mocha decaf, so right when i was about to go supervise the making of said mocha, he grabs the drive thru window and nearly pulls himself in the window and says "i did say that's s'posed to be decaf, right??" and i'm like "what...? um, no, no you didn't..." and i run down to the steamer and try to catch the chick before she adds the chocolate...thankfully we could use the espresso in something else...dumbarse hillbillies...oh! and i found out KK is the hangout of all emo kids in this county! they come in at least 20 times a night for a free donut, reaking of pot and ciggies and who knows what else, voraciously devour the donuts, and leave...i've never seen so many emo kids all together...not even at school and that's saying something. well...on the plus side of all this, i get to make fun of everyone stupid (and all emos) with the other people working...and i ordered a black shirt online, so i don't have to wear *shudders* white anymore.

well, i think i'm done ranting...i'll leave you with this thought...All it takes is two steps forward and one step back

Fact #139

Every emo kid everywhere owns at least one thing with a checkerboard pattern, usually a pair of shoes.


so, we stated school again today. which sucked. like hell. not just cuz i got homework (we just got back!! please!!) but cuz i just couldn't...i mean, well, i should have cut it out last night. and i didn't. i said i wouldn't and i didn't. so i kept one promise out of thousands. and today i paid the price for it. i couldn't look anyone in the eyes, i couldn't even speak to anyone, i always looked at the floor (nice tyle pattern, lovely fake rock thingies, and they sparkle in the sun!)

i hope it fucking explodes and takes your head off, i hope it takes me over and kills you. let me be! i don't need you anymore. let me be. let me be! fucking leave me alone to this misery! without you i could get better! without you i could live again! FUCK OFF

I Think, They Speak

i know it's not worth this feeling
failure, you're such a failure
but i can't help letting it get to me
becuase you'll never be like them
how it burns me through
yes, let it in
just to know that i'm like this
you'll always be this way
and you're like that
don't look into the light
if you even knew how sick i am
and we have you in chains
of all this death and darkness
the only thing you are worth
maybe you'd listen more
you fool yourself
maybe you'd try to talk to me
they all hate you
more than you do right now
they do it from pity
or maybe you'd just leave me be
of course they would, my child
for what has more pull
say what you are
than a creature of the shadows...

Another Year

well, it's 2006. a whole new year, 365 days that we haven't traveled yet...and when it's all said and done, it's just another year to be lonely, another year to be in pain each and every day. a whole year that we have to get through so that we can get through another year and another and another until we're old. and then we just...kind of die. and no one notices. we're just another number on another graph somewhere and then our 'personal' number is written down as deceased and that's that. who cares to remember the dead...the dead walk the halls and no one is there to comfort them...people like me, it's our job to remember them, all of them...but who wants to admit to that. and the sun is shining and i don't really think that it's worth it anymore, but here's the new year, and we have to stay around just long enough to prove that this year will suck as much as the last. or maybe things will change and we'll find a way...because there's always a way, we just don't always see it.

May we all see where to go, Happy New Year

New Year's Rememberance

Pre-Cal

What it means, what it means, y=mx+b but other than that, take the 3rd root of pi and you might get the same thing...or cube the inverse of 125/3 and divide by 17...negative B plus or minus the square root of 4AC minus B squared all over 2A...then shade the graph to the side that makes it true...remember to use the dashed line and not the full one...then we must write the interval in, yes, interval notation, so we use the box and say that we touch -.6698 and positive infinity...but we can't really touch that so we have to use the logarythmic function with base 6.45 and X to the (X/8*3-7777) and then we can perhaps find what Y equals...pay attention now! it gets pretty complicated...

Sir Bean

Keep the lights burning
Keep the fire warm and bright
And keep the faith lit

I keep her, and you, in my prayers.

They Didn't Leave A Title

explanations of piety and unwillingness to come across in the wrong manner...hasn't the balance been fixed yet? the girl has no pity, but remorse aplenty, take our word for it, even when it sounds it, she doens't know what to say, is all. take a look for yourself, we've destroyed her, and we will never let her go. she fights, oh yes, she fights. she's had to to keep herself alive. but she cannot resist us, this urge. no pity, but guilt aplenty, enough to fill ten people completely. poor little girl, we don't care about her and she wants us to. pathetic in its simplicity and yet, we need her to stay this way, so we pretend to care. pretend to be there for her, when we are what she fears the most. just a kid...no, her thoughts come back in, they sound so young, becuase that's the age she'll always be...torment her with thoughts of the past and flashbacks...she wants them, though. the little girl has matured into a great masochist. we can do anything to her and she will not complain over much. just keep telling her how wrong she is, the girl won't fight it...won't fight...won't speak, say what you will...in this explanation we hold her truth and strength and weakness...and why she has scars across...like stars...like spears...like...silence...

Christmas Bells

all my tears, i dedicate to memory, memory of everything that we ever lost, everything that we could never have gained, all the pain and silence we suffered. all the good memories that are fading fast and we wish we could hold on to. all the bad memories that are clear as day. all the scarlet scratches and ruby drops that have followed angry words and pills that silence the voices for a short time. all the hope in the world to vanish the memories for just one day. may we all forget the past and future and live, for a brief instant, in a blissful present.

Why I should never write at 3 A.M.

5 Snatches of Snow

I.
Let the snow fall
This blanket is the healing we need
It refreshes us
Each flake caresses us
Oh! Let the snow fall

II.
Flurry falling
Flakes flying
Faster! Faster!
Floating forever

III.
Little crystals of death
White harbingers of doom
They will devour us all!
Don't listen to their sweet whispers
Don't think them beautiful!
They only wait to slay us all!

IV.
Hush now
Sleep
The morning
Will never
Come

V.
The sun rises on drifts of white
The little girl had crept out in the dark of night
Never to return

TAGGED?!?!?

welllll, i was tagged by Sir Bean...mean old monkey...

If you are tagged copy and paste this into your diary and answer *all* of the questions..Then tag 5 more people

PRIDE What do you brag the most about? - um...that i'm in band, though it's not really bragging, more of a warning really, cuz in band, we're all crazy...

ENVY What is one thing a friend has that you always wish you could have? - without a doubt, a brother

GLUTTONY What's one food you cant say no to? - meh, i hate food, i only eat to keep my strength up

LUST How did you learn to masturbate? - this i would prefer not to go into

ANGER What or who always makes you angry and why? - this varies, mostly actions by other people that are just...unfair in some way, stereotypes, racism, people who look down on others for some reason or another...

GREED Name one thing you don't need to live with but would freak out to give up. - nothing really comes to mind, but the thing i'd feel the loss of most is...i guess...the internet...well, not even that, toss up between my blog and chat

SLOTH What's one chore you hate to have to do around the house? - meh...sweep and mop all the floors...i really can't stand that and i have no reason why...other than i can't stand it of course

people to tag? idk, if you want to take it, take it, i don't have anyone really that i can tag...i mean, i could say Shade, but i doubt he'd actually do it...maybe Pepsi Lover!! yeah! and AG if she feels like it...heh, or if ya don't then do it anyways!



i think i just destroyed the fragile friendship i had with someone...maybe when i stop shaking i'll feel better...

[i see it coming]

WE ALL FALL DOWN

[it's coming for us]

IRRESPONSIBLE HOODLUMS

[they can't see what they're doing]

YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT

[they think this is right]

YOU AREN'T HEALTHY

[we are the creators]

LET US "HELP"

WE ARE THE CREATORS!

A Bit of Something/Nothing

been a while since i really posted about anything. here i am, at school, doing nothing...finals this week, and it's open campus and at the moment i have nothing better to do than post...sad, huh? jk, anyways...let's see if i can find anything interesting to post about...*ponders*

Unbeknownest to the shouting masses
In the heart of the grime and heat
Lies are spreading to the thoughts, the thoughts we hear
Do not speak in this shame
A rythm like a pounding heart
Beats through the head, the hands, the steel
Steal us all away into the memory
We are all forgotten in this moment of eternal pain
The heart is never something we had need of
How do we expect each other to sing...

sorry...that came out of no where...it's just been one of those months...all in favour of abolishing December, say aye. i swear, if this month gets any worse it'll be like...hell on earth...yes that did just rhyme, don't shoot the poet. well, i thought i had something to say, but i guess not...happy holidays and merry Christmas.

They're All Fools

Don't be foolish
When someone drips black
It shows through the soul
Pour out of the mouth, it comes
Stains will never fade, oh heart song
False eyes proclaim jubilance
While hidden on a shelf is a knife
Mist of orange, pray, cover the shame
Terrible secret, terrible lies
How could you be so foolish
Remove the covering darkness
No other words will wrap around
Tangle of scratches, poet
False protector! Who do you pretend
In one scarlet minute you fall
Easy enough when the pain comes
Hard enough when there might be hope
Do not stand in the road, Shadow
Time waits for no one
There are only two choices

CHOOSE

Not Face Value

Death to the righteous!
We all fail to stay silent
Mock me as you wish
Pathetic children!
I understand you too much
Your words TEAR ME APART
SO LONG I HAVE DIED
What is a true friend?
When everyone I know makes me die
And everyone makes me lie
Truth was overrated anyway
But MOCK ME you must
Because I offer myself for you
And your barbed arrows
STOP MAKING ME LIVE SHATTERED
I try to become better
And you STAND IN MY WAY
STOP IT
WE ALL FAIL TO STAY SILENT
DEATH TO THE RIGHTEOUS

Written towards Hayz


and before anyone flips out on me and goes psycho-fanatic, i mean death to the self-righteous. better then? good.

Rage against the pain
if this is light i want nothing of it
it's all over for me, it's all the same
falling into the darkness and embraces
ah, my chains, you have waited for me
ah, my fear, you have finally gone
consume me again, here is my heart
understand that this is not goodbye
this is merely the beginning, where i start over
and realize what i should have seen from the beginning
love is not real, it does not exist
i would have changed but that is no longer possible
all the tears are gone now, no feeling
ah, my echoes, you come to me again
so close and yet inside me all the same
ah, my destruction, my havoc, beauty in chaos
recover into what was safe before
please stay safe now, and forever remember
NO MORE

don't think worse of me for what has happened, Aodhan. i send you my luv

Caffeine High

never drink more than your weight of caffeine...you'll start shaking and you won't stop for about...idk, roughly seven hours?? meh, i can't even remember what i did friday and saturday other than that i went to blitz...worked out...and worked at KK. and i talked to Shade! that was the other thing i did. yeah, i probably scared him cuz i was making no sense whatsoever, what with me having less than three hours of sleep and seven cups of really strong coffee in my veins.

uummm....today was whacked...filming a civil war trailer for class. and i'm not on speaking terms with anyone in that class really, so i got stuck with a bunch of preps (nothing else i can call them, much as i hate labeling). it wasn't too bad...we had maiming, death, and spies, so it really wasn't too bad. i wanted to be a random dead soldier, but i got to work the camera mostly instead cuz the other girl couldn't do it and since we had a group of four total, with two having majour parts, i was the "unwanted goth child who, of course, showed up in all black and who doesn't have a permit." however, on the up side of that... i brought the music and battle scenes, and i didn't show up with a hangover...

Lo siento por el sufrimiento.
Lo siento. Lo siento.
No más vida. No más muerte.
No más. No más.
¿Un cuchillo? ¿Dónde?
Dámelo ahora
Ahora, ahora, por favor,
Y esta noche hay termina.