Operation Poke, Day 9

after arriving in the wilderness, i managed to find a small oasis away from any wildlife and other predators. however, in only ten minutes i spotted that horrible terror known as the Pokel Beast. it entered the wilds and stopped to smell the wind, glancing around the other creatures and searching the area for it's prey. not spotting anything poke-able, it wandered down a well worn path to it's lair away from lair. i, being the trained explorer that i am, ducked and covered in the oasis and hoped that it hadn't seen me. the Pokel Beast is vicious when provoked, almost impossible to get rid of, and very easily injured. sending one mean look it's way may cause it to have a hernia and die. i do not believe in destroying the surrounding wildlife, no matter how annoying it may be.

anyway, the rest of the day i didn't spot the Pokel Beast or any of her minions. wait, that's not true. the PolyGamer was huddled down next to the planned entertainment at 11:45. it appeared to be absorbed in watching that most wondermous of games. the one, the only, Halo 2. however, i did not try to avoid this creature, for it doesn't cause any harm to any other wildlife (barring rocket launchers, of course). i approached the absorbed beasts, noting how they had managed a three way system link. like the Flood, they too seem to learn quickly.

over all, Day 9 was not a risky operation. Day 10 has the possibility though. Day 10 of Operation Poke begins at 7:30 AM CST on Tuesday, May 31. tune in next time to find out if i'm poked to death or if i manage to conquer the horrible Pokel Beast.

Silence and Isolation

As if it all wasn't quiet enough before
What I cannot stop myself from doing
This self-imposed silence
Self-imposed isolation
I let it enter my heart
And rip everything to ribbons
So I taste the pain of nothing
And nothing interprets all to numb
My punishment, I no longer care
No longer feel
But my conscience still speaks
In words too hot to understand
But I do understand
I understand everything it says
(Over the years I've gotten good at hiding)
Words no longer mean communication
I'll speak in looks and motion
And whatever's trapped inside will not be free
So no one could trace it back to my prison
The one place where I'm the most happy
Behind bars and plunged in darkness
(The prison keeper never sleeps)
And I will never have the chance to run
From the inner things I keep denying
(Kaida, stop making it hurt so much)
And I know this is something I've never told you
Because I live in my self-imposed silence
But everything really does hurt me
No matter how much I pretend it doesn't
(I'm only saying this because i'm afraid to be alone)
Damn it all
Self-imposed isolation...

Exit Stage Whatever-leaves-this-place

and we have four more days of school!!!! wooooohoooooo! no more sitting in seminar with the Queen of *insert bad word here.* no more dealing with annoying leeches that can't take hints! no more lectures, notes, and homework! yessssss! i personally consider it a victory that i still have snatches of sanity left right now. especially after the dissection. that was fun...we poped the eyeball. and the brains were mush. and my group had like the best pig and we named it Wilbur (although it happened to be a girl...). and i never have to go to algebra again after tomorrow! yeahhhh! (if you can't tell, i happen to be jumping for joy) oh, yeah, after about a week and a half, i have successfully beaten Halo and Halo2. (Halo2 took about 4 days) has anyone ever noticed how theraputic shooting aliens with plasma pistols is? how about rocket launchers? or maybe....shooting down banshees and the like....sorry, my Halo brain kicked in. and i can't wait for Halo3!!!!!!!!

Distortion

perhaps i have been seeing everything through a shade of black. but i don't feel like it's a box. i see a hole that i cannot avoid. that always manages to drag me down and back into the everlasting night. and that may sound a little poetic (so sue me, i'm a poet) but it really describes it for me. sometimes i'm so afraid that i'll never get back...and i so much want to be in the light. but i can't seem to keep from going there. something always happens to get me down. but recently i've been okay. right up until now. something happened between two of my friends. one (whom i shall call Trista) has given a valiant effort to be nice to my other friend (whom i shall call Allisen). but "Allisen" hsn't even tried to be civil. she even hurt "Trista" physically, sure she said she was sorry, but she wasn't really and that was obvious. the obvious answer is to ditch "Allisen" and all that. too bad that i can't convince my mind to do that. the problem is, "Allisen" has been my friend for almost three years now. and "Trista" has been my friend for like, six months? and to make the problem even more interesting, i feel exceptionally closer to "Trista" than to "Allisen." i mean, "Allisen" has never actually been there for me, never actually understood me or anything. but "Trista" has. well, i guess there's my answer.

Such a failure
Is it really my consience
Or my own follish desire?
I can't even talk in a group
Or just let myself go
Because these questions pound
Through my head
And make me wish I was dead.
I can't sort out what's right
I know what she did
How she isn't sorry like she said.
And I know my loyalty will be
The downfall of me
And someday I'll regret this yet...
But how can I let her do that
To someone I consider a friend?
How could I face myself
After this all ends
If I stuck by what's wrong?
But the options are both bleak
And I'm scared to choose
Because what if I make the wrong decision
And we all lose?

Soon

Allow me one last chance
To say goodbye
And I promise that soon
There'll be no more tears in my eyes
So give me just this chance
To make it right
And I will, I will, I will
Make it all end

Descriptions

if you had to choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be?
currently, unhinged
how about one phrase?
effective- crazy, unhinged, and borderline psychotic- but effective, none the less
what colour do you think of yourself as?
grey
and what emotion does that colour make you think of?
regretful and tearful
what key would your song be in, majour or minour?
minour
what exactly do you think of haiku?
a challenge, but a little too structered for me

and yes, i would really like everyone to answer this. it doesn't just help other people to know you, but you end up knowing something more of yourself. and no one will make fun of anyone else, so no worries. that is if ya'll want to. (just for you, annie, you seem to say ya'll a lot)

*NOTE*
haiku is a form of poetry (yes, probably originating in Japan) that consists of three lines, usually with a 5-7-5 set up, sometimes varrying to 5-6-5. <---just because The Blonde One doesn't seem to know this, even though she's actually written it before, not that she remembers that...

Mariposa

Mariposa, could you dance?
Fluttering in your dress of silk
Don't just watch fromt the side
Mariposa, don't cry.
Remember that you can fly
Lift your wings, Mariposa
Touch the stars and moon
The dream that called you is here
But if you don't dance,
Never take the chance, Mariposa,
How will you ever know?
Just because you've been rejected
It doesn't mean you're nothing.
Mariposa, you are beautiful
But if you let your wings be broken
You cannot be all that you are
So Mariposa, touch the stars
And the wind will guide you.
As it flutters your dress of silk
Don't just watch from the side, Mariposa
When will you dance?

I Swear, One More Word...

Just because I'm not obsessed
With watching guys and makeup
Doesn't mean I don't feel like all girls.
And sure, sometimes I watch guys
But I'm not filling my life with that
Because I have more important things
To do with my time
Than worry about my hair and clothes
And what that dude over there thinks.
I wish people would stop assuming
That I'm gay because I don't flirt
And drool over all the guys.
It's not that I don't like them
Nah, it's not that at all
But I don't want to waste my time on
Those trivial and distracting thoughts
When I could be writing or playing music.
And because I don't waste this time
I come up with so much
(It's easier to listen to God when I can
Think Straight)
And I just don't want to allow myself
To open up to any emotions
Because that might make me feel
NORMAL
(And you know we can't have that)

Help and Suspicion

i don't think that it's wrong to want help. but i keep getting told that the people i know can't help me. and i dunno if that means that i'm so far gone that they can't, or that they're just incapabale of it, or that the people i know are not mature enough to. and i do try to help the people that i know. but for some reason it's like i must be isolated from them. sure, i can help them, but if they try to help me, then it's evil. and i'm sick of being the way that i am. i don't want to spend the rest of my life curled up inside my shell and fearing people. and yes, my friends have been helping me. for one thing, i've opened up more, and i can talk to complete strangers and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. but i'm told that it's wrong for them to help me, that they can't. so is it wrong to want help? i'm tired of crying and hiding. if it's wrong to want help, then i don't see the point...of having friends, or talking to anyone, or even just being on Earth.

and i'm sick of being held in such suspicion. i mean, i'm basically a good person. and my parents seem to think only the worst of me. like if i'd been skipping school (i was recently questioned on that), or if i secretly have a boyfriend and if i'm still a virgin, or if i'm telling the truth about my friends. geez, if they don't know me by now, i might as well give up trying to make them understand. i just can't believe some of the things that i'm being questioned over. it's like, i turned into a complete stranger overnight. and now they don't even seem to know me. and they keep pushing me away. man, it just hurts, a lot. and i wrote a poem about it, but i'm kinda freaked out about putting it on here cuz it has so much of me in it...and what i've been feeling...

Dead Leaves

thanx, lost in reason, now you've gotten me started on that writer's psychoanylitical thingy i'd gotten out of. (i can't decide if that's sarcasm or not) but hey, if it gets me writing again, i'll go with it. and for some reason, it's all haiku... great. i don't like haiku cuz it's so structered (but i've been working on vilanelles so whatever). hmmm, what was the question? what do i think of when a dead leaf blows across my path? well, autumn, frost, isolation, loneliness, pain (don't ask), death i suppose. lots really, depends on my state of mind at the moment. and what does everyone else think when they see a dead leaf? i'd really like to know. it's a good question (for obvious reasons). hmm, there is no death without life...

lately i've been on a nature high. which, before anyone thinks i've been smoking grass *ahem*, means that nature and the natural world has been on my mind instead of the usual introspection (the links for annie, and yeah, that was an insult...). and of course the nature i think of is autumn (cuz fall is such an unpoetic word, i know, i know, i'm such a romantic uh, just for those of you who have no idea what that's referring to) and winter. alright, here's the part where i give lease to my inner poet:

Whispers of the wind will touch my hair
And I'll visit you in the morning
Taste the autumn chill on the air
I wonder where I'll be going

anyways, i took an AP test that i absolutley failed yesterday. it was, of course, in my worst class, history. i pretty much gave up halfway through. i mean, it's not like i quit or anything (other people just wrote that they wouldn't write the essays and they didn't even try on the multiple choice) but i kinda just felt like it didn't matter anymore, ya know, that light headed feeling and nothing makes any difference, especially not school work. but i did enough to at least pass if they use a curve... which of course they won't cuz they hate us all and are planning on taking over the world one student at a time. or maybe that's just me.

in biology we get to dissect fetal (yes, again for annie) pigs. so since every other class has gotten to do it before us, and we still won't until friday, i smelled like the room and everyone else in biology: formaldehyde. which isn't really that bad, kinda like paint thinner. but i think that some of the chicks are gonna have problems with it cuz the pigs are pretty big, like just about to be born. and all i can think of is bacon. (i'm kidding! i'm kidding!) it's not that it bothers me, but i mean, we're gonna have to keep them around for two days. i think they might start smelling funny. like the stink bombs that the guys can't resist setting off in their lockers. except those are more sulfur and the...well, never mind, it's not like i'd know what something dead smells like *cough cough*.

Pyromania: Die By Fire

Have you ever wanted to die by fire?
Sit in the burning house
Smoke creeps in teh room
Flames in a circle
And everywhere the heat
Orange and yellow fear
Spread arms to catch the fire
Twisting up the body
Start to scream in pain
Laugh and cry behind the wall
Flames leap higher
Have you ever wanted to die by fire?