Truth of You

Bloody broken glass shards
My hands full
Screaming
You never listened then
Now you're a million miles away
My heart beats
And you lied like the dead to get me to stay
I am so over this
And over all you taught me
Here before the altar of my future
With a handful-
Press rewind
Do you remember all the petty lies
And fights and names
All the scars that I have you to thank
I am bitter, of course
Like November
Bitter, grey, cold, free
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am something else entirely
I stay up too late and go to bed too soon
I earn money and earn looks
You keep calling and saying 'come back!'
And I sit here and think
To what?
Beside my head as I sleep
Dreams to watch me as I-
Fast forward
Tomorrow I'll go out and forget you even exist
I don't need that old quick fix
No more knives or lies or alibis
Just me and these words at my side
You always wanted me to be your pet
This is the truth
Are you fucking dead yet?

I Want to Tell You A Story

She held up a hand and stopped me
Who am I?
A door opened
Here I am
Like following the rabbit
I want to say-
I put it all back together
With a curtsy
With a bow
Little turtles that skid on their shells
Flipped over to die
Sometimes I can't see the rabbit
She lowered her hand
Who am I?
Just like waking up to find
The walls are the wrong shade
The window is on the wrong wall
This bed is ill suited to the room-
She held up her hand
"I want to tell you a story"
With a smile I learned the hall was burning
Posted on the door
Churning winds that swept us away
She leaned closer
Eyes blank
Mouth bleeding
Broken fingers telling a story
The door swung shut and I lurched up
Heart in my throat

Story over

Flashbang

In turns
Too hot too cold
Turning
Behind the wall
With gloved hands
Broken fingers
A figurine of ivory
Partial vulnerability
It's always raining
Pipes dripping to the floor
And she knows it's not the same
Like
Raindrops on roses
She rises above the attic
Into the star strewn night
She takes flight
Out of the cardboard box
Yet the sun is rising
Too hot
Too cold
She falls to earth
Bloody mouth
Broken fingers

I want to tell you a story

So it's today

Bleed My Heart in Grey

Hark!
A heart
Bluebells on the wind
Chimes like blame
Fire starting in the yard
Open to interpretation
Dogs and coyotes
Tomorrow red like rust
Dust gathering
A storm!
You held it up for me
Furnaces blazing
I gave it to you
Tick tock
You never knew
Broken mirror in the bath
Razor blade dilemma
I held up my hand
Forever and ever amen
Promises
Then it rains

I'm so much more and so much less than you think I am

Pasts and Presents

You have the hardest time with each day
Waiting for the pain to go away
You keep hiding yourself from everything
Hoping for night to come and swallow you whole
But you've found a solution (soul pollution)
Without knowing the toll


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?


Each scar helps the weeks blend away
But you don't realize you've become the prey
The night creeps up and with it your desire
You don't know what went wrong
Like a lamb led to the guillotine (innocence became obscene)
You know you've been at it far too long


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?


Some day soon you'll cut too deep
And you'll have regrets as you fall asleep
Who will come across you as you rest
Blithly fallen, all thoughts to life ignored
Bitter tears will follow you down (drown and drown and drown)
Was it everything you hoped for?


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?

Was it everything you hoped for?

Was it everything you hoped for?

Resolved and yet...

One of my two resolutions is to write more. In general, natch, but specifically here. I've been ever so lax on this front and it's always helped inspire me. So...there.

It's just hard when I can't think of anything to write about :-/

I used to just sit down and write, but now it's like...idk, like I've lost my muse, I suppose. I really need to find some writing exercises or something. It's just, every time I find some, they don't interest me, or they're stupid or lame or what have you. I do have a story going at the moment, about a boy who eats his mother's eyes. While she's tied to a bed. He's six. ^_^" happy fun times

Tears of the Past

Sometimes I go back and read over what happened
I have trouble letting go
I just want to know if I was right to run
Or if I should have stayed and fought and bled to death
Passed out pieces of my soul to anyone around

I don't know, maybe there was a better way
And I just missed it

Everything's been left in pieces
And here I am wondering what happened
What happened to the circle I had
To the friends and the faces...

I have them on my mind a lot
And there's no way for me to say anything to them
So I just think
And I wonder if I could have made a difference
If I could have changed the outcome
If only I hadn't taken a side

But I did
So is it my fault that everything fell apart?
I keep wondering and chasing these thoughts
And keep going back to the evidence of what happened

I still wonder if they're all okay
Everyone
Was I the weak link in the chain?

I'd like to think not

Chuck?!?!?

I haven't posted in over a month. You'd think I'd at least be sorry about that, or feel weird, or something. Maybe a little on edge. I've not written much in this "break." I finally wake up again and now I'm not even writing. I've created something too comfortable to break out of. A nest of compliance and laziness and just five more minutes. It's not that I don't have ideas. I do. Really good ones. But when I finally get time to write, there's always something else that sounds better. Like gaming, or Y answers, or some show or movie. Anything other than sitting down and applying myself to what I love.

I finally wake to a world of grey
I won't bother anyway
I won't do it at all today
I'm just breathing...

In my defense, I've been working psycho amounts of OT, so good moneys, not so good quality of life outside of work lol. Hopefully we'll get slow again. While I appreciated the extra for Christmas, now I just want to relax for a while. This is like, the first Saturday in over three weeks that I've had off. I'm excited lol. Last Monday we went to see the Unborn and it got me thinking a lot about exorcism. A lot.

Mariposa
When will you dance?

Sooo...yeah. Video games are cool. *_* lol. I got Mirror's Edge for Christmas and it's had me enthralled. I've always loved the people who can do that. I found a video of a couple guys a few years ago who were simply amazing. Yes, I'm jealous

Candles burn too cold
So I set the house on fire
And it still wasn't enough
I only wasted a little time
Before I knew
And set the world ablaze

Chuck Norris can squeeze the orange juice from a banana

Hhhrrrrrrrrrtttttt

I.
I am red on black
Orange burning against my shut eyes
So full and so filled
Overflow
Out pours a trail of smoke
And do I fade away?
Only to return with yet more rage

II.
Heart of a word not yet created
Bitter full of yearning
Take a step in the left direction
Inflections
Referring to the title
Heart of a word not yet imagined
Too much of something
Burning

III.
Blaze like snow in the sun
She knew he was the one
Too full of fire to ever back down
Now he has her
She begins to drown

IV.
Drown like an addict with the next fix

V.

Ignis Veritas et Ultio

"Ignis!"
She screamed
Woke shivering and blinking in the dark
Another violent dream
Another pounding heart

The night was freezing and colder
Frost glittering on the grass
She shivered and sweated lightly
Caught up in the past

"Veritas"
She whispered
Calming but still on edge
Biting words still haunting
She silently thought about what they meant

The door stood open
Her fear beating into the night
She was so alone
Dreams holding her too tight

"Et ultio!"
She smiled
Plans already taking form
Arms clasped around herself
In the darkened room

She lay back still smiling
Eyes easing shut
Dreams swirling around her
Sunrise creeping up

|

Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of posies
Ashes
Ashes
We all fall down
V
V Feet first
V Head full of useless words
V Hands clutching the passing wind
V And you know you'll never get out again
V Because you don't want to face the truth
V You want to believe he loves you
V You know he's just going to let you down
V Children should be encouraged to drown
V You run, stumble, trip, fall
V You keep running into walls
V Monsters in the dark
V And hoping for the sun behind the curtain
V Now you're more than certain
V You never had a chance at all
V You were always falling
V Poor, pathetic you
V
It's 8:50 AM. Do you know where your children are?

R.I.P Nette

Life is too short.

Hallowe'en Yet Again

She was wearing the shortest black velvet skirt she could find, her ass just peeking out from under it making it obvious she was wearing either a thong or nothing. She had paired it with a black velvet tube top a size too small, fishnet stockings and gloves, and a short black velvet cape. Her dark brown hair was piled high on her head elegantly and her makeup was dark but tasteful. A study in contrasts.

She had wandered in and out of a few parties all night, getting dirty looks from all the girls and admiring ones from all the guys. She had ignored all of them. Looking, always looking for him. But she knew better.

It was after midnight before she went to the graveyard. Cold, nearly too much, but she didn't want to go back home. She wanted him. She needed him. But she could never find him.

She sat on one of the concrete benches in the rich section and held her knees to her chest. The wind glided down her skin and she shivered. Tonight she had been so hopeful. It had seemed so right, thinking he would be there, somewhere, waiting for her to find him. And she would find him, she knew, but it had been years now. Too long. His trail had gone cold in this tiny town and she was stuck here waiting for something, for anything, to come along.

She was dejected. Her hopes had risen and fallen too many times and now she just felt numb. Her costume was desperate, her silent call for love, affection, warmth. All the things he had given her and then taken back when he had gone.

Something moved in the darkness. Her senses screaming suddenly, she launched herself up and ran, as fast as her inconvenient shoes would allow, away from whatever was coming at her. But a tiny voice said couldn't it be him? Couldn't he have found you? No! she screamed back. No, it's not him, it's not him, it can't be him, that's not right, it's not possible!

A wall rose in front of her and she nearly smashed into it. Behind her came running feet, so fast, so strange. She turned to face the thing with her only weapon: rage. If she was going to die tonight, she may as well fight.

It wasn't him, and a tiny voice inside cried in joy and another cried in grief. "A lovely costume," mocked a voice, and she smiled dangerously. "Thanks, dark one, but yours is much better." The shadows coalesced around it. She was certain of death now, certain of an end, and she welcomed it. Too long, too soon, but mostly too much of everything being ripped away from her before she could really enjoy it. Was life worth living if you never got to live?

"A fitting finale, my sweet." And just like that, her rage boiled over. Now she was aflame, smoke pouring from her mouth, the fire scorching the earth around her. "Finale my ass," she chuckled, and she poured her rage and fear and despair into the shadows. The light blinded the darkness, and the darkness was gone.

It hadn't been her end. It had been the end of an era. She was too old to hold on to the ghosts in her head, too old to keep hoping that she would find her one true love again. "Pretty like being burned alive," she whispered, as the flames abated. Oh, she was still in pain, still hurt and ashamed and angry, but now it was less. Now was the time to move on. Not a finale, the next movement.

She laughed and smoothed her tiny skirt. This town was small, but nice. Here she could stay for a few years, maybe twenty, maybe less. It depended on how social she was. His trail had ended here, but here hers would carry on.

She sighed and started for the edge of town, towards home, towards pretending to be human again. He was still here somewhere, she knew, still bitter and hating and wonderful...

The rain started that night and didn't stop until the next evening. She hated the rain now, hated how it must be him, how this was all he would say to her. "Damn water elementals," she griped. But a package showed up on her porch, neat and small. In it was a smaller vial of water...and a note. My Dearest, can you find me? And like that her hope and desire rekindled and she examined the vial. It was just rain...just what had been falling from the sky and still lay on the ground now.

She stepped outside and looked up sadly. No, she couldn't find him. He was in harmony with the earth while it fought her every step of the way. The life of fire elementals, the blessing and curse. The wind caressed her and she sighed. At least the wind was her friend...

And then there was a hand on her neck and she whirled to find

If you're honest...

...sometimes you can get the truth.

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

Psalm 6:6

I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.


I only wish I could craft verse as fluid as this...

Held Close, Far Away

I stand in the wind and drink it
Like a cup of dark tea
The leaves strike my face and I can't see them coming
So dark, the moon behind clouds
Unrestrained, my new wings glimmer
Black and glittering
So long and graceful and beautiful
It surprised me, the beauty
I glory in the feeling with my wings folded
I am just a creature in the night held close
Just a creature held close
Held close

Dare I think of the past?
I do
All the beauty drains away
The Book is not evil...the Book is not evil
Yet I no longer read
The words that came so easily hold only pain
"For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping"
Oh, the weeping!
I eat and drink liberally
Or at least I used to
It was his favoured punishment
Read until you are what I want you to be!
Kill what you are until you are what I want!
Die!
Die!
And like that I turn away
Because now I can
Now I am free

The wind is my tea
I am the clouds
I am the sea
I am what I am what I am
He isn't here
And I am not afraid to be this creature
This creature held close
I am held close
Held close


I'm the darkness in your soul
I'm the burnt edge on your toast
The bitter tang in your tea
The cloud above the sea...
Faithless?
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless

Tearing Off Their Wings

There's a man standing on a book
He screams into the world
I hear his screams and turn away
Away from the madness and hate
Like the rest are turning or dying
I walk from the man

He doesn't love, this man
Just stands on his book and yells
I'm tired of waiting for coherence
I'm tired of pretending ignorance
I am who I am what I am
And not even the Reaper will change me

A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind

He doesn't pause to consider
Just screams louder with each day
I am deaf to his moronic ideas and pleas
I am the darkness that got away
He is the slayer of innocence
And he loves to kill my hope

A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind

He is the man in the closet
The monster under my bed
I fear to walk and talk and sing
Because of all he's said
The man on the book thinks he is righteous
But the man on the book will fall

A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind

Goodnight, man on the book
I'll see you in hell
You've killed so many souls
Yes, you've served Satan well

-

And there in the corner
And there in the tree
Blue flowers
I'm ready to go home

Screaming

Let me out
Let me in
I am the shadow among you
Through the valley
I am death

A hundred fields
Million little fingers
Blue flowers
They are ready to go home

Screaming

Let me out
Let me in
I am the voices among you
From the wind
I am death

Thus thy heart...

I'm so close to the edge
So close to breaking down again
Again


Man, I'm so weak