Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Shredded Wrists...
ah, back for now, not sure for how long...i'll update when i can but as of now, this blog is...uh...contraband or whatever you wanna call it. my stepdad walked out on us again...so...yeah...i was going to kill myself tonight, but suddenly i find that i have to take care of a younger child. she's only 13...i can't leave her by herself...no matter how much i want to just make it end...that story...uh...the two deleted comments on the post awhile ago....those were the link and disclaimer for my story...i was forced to delete them...and that's also why my blog no longer comes up in my profile...*ahem* yes, i found that option...but anyways...i was experimenting this morning with a plastic knife and my wrist...i've never cut my wrist before...probably one of the only things i haven't done...too noticable...but i have gloves (ya know, no fingers in them) that i can wear that cover it and i wear them all the time now, so...yeah...just adding to the pain i guess...i'll be putting links on here now...though maybe not to the same story...yes, i can still feel guilt, despite popular opinion, and that story...well...let's just say that if anyone at school found that and figured out it was mine...well...i'd be institutionalized...and that's...aww, you guys know what that would be like...*sigh* well...i guess that's it for now...i'll try to do more later...
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10 comments:
Hi Shadow:
I hope you're not serious about that. As hard (or impossible)as it seems to do now, you have to realize the truth is the actions of other people (like your stepdad)really say nothing about your value as a human being. (I know it really FEELS like it does). Feelings can lie though. Because you're young (and many adults do it too) you're hoping adults will be a mirror to show you your value, reflect back to you how precious you are. But the problem with that plan is - some adults will, some won't. Some are consumed with their own problems and have never grown up. But that doesn't change how precious you are, what a treasure you are, and how there's never been another like you. Life is a great adventure- determine now to make the most of it for your own happiness and those you love.
Fuck you mouse, you'll never know. Anyhoot glad your back Shadow, is it cool that i put your addy on my blog? Plastic knife eh? When I was experimenting, I used one of those plastic combs with the handle. Two words: permanent scars.
Shades right. Those scars take FOREVER to fade and even then you can still see them. It really isn't worth it. People still ask me what happened to my arms. I always make up some weird story about cat scratches or barbed wire, but I know most people know that I'm bullshitting. Plus, once you start, it's hard to stop, and then you really will get institutionalized. Trust me, the Psych Ward is no place you want to go. I'm glad you're back!
i appreciate the sentiment, mouse, but i sure as hell hope that i don't look for reflections of self worth in adults. i've never seen any there. my self worth comes from what's in my head and the fact that there are four people who would be really hurt if i killed myself. though that wouldn't stop me, i do take into consideration their feelings. the point isn't to hurt others, it's for me all the way. and happiness? what is that? precious? i've never been that either. so, thanks for what you said.
Isn't it funny when people who have no clue what you're going through try to tell you what you need to do to make it better? No offense Mouse, I know you mean well, and mabye I'm way off base when I say this, but from want you said, I don't think you really know what you're talking about.
Shadow, I know that my telling you not to do it, that you'll eventually realize it is stupid, that you "have so much to live for," isn't going to change your mind about anything. It will probably make you want to do it even more. Thats how I was anyway.
Pay attention to this though. I don't know at least a tiny bit about how you're feeling. I know that I know nothing about your situation, but I have been so hurt inside that I needed to hurt myself on the outside to take my mind away from the internal wounds, even if it was only for a few minutes. If you ever want to talk about it, or want adivce about anything, I think I can be pretty understanding and maybe even helpful. My e-mail address is Court2408@gmail.com.
I promise I won't get all preachy or sentimental. I just want you to know that I can listen and not judge.
Hehe oops, I meant to say, "I do know at least a tiny bit about how you're feeling."
Oh your god.. these people piss me off. Not trying to be a dick head but, shit, when did you ask for their opinions? GAA! I hate when other feel thay HAVE to interfere. They can't just say "Thats too bad, good luck" No they have to give thier whole fucking life long story about "Ohh you're a bad person" blah bla blah "cuttings bad" blah blah blah "your sick" FUCK YOU! YOU go out get the temporary reality shot bring your ass back here and tell me how you fucking feel. Till then... let up with the optomism. That is the last thing someone in his or my state of mind appreciates. Sorry Shadow but if I didn't say it, who would?
i thank you Shade. i understand what everyone is saying, not that i don't agree with the views and the reasons behind it, but it will be my choice.
might i mention i'm empathic kinda? i can feel what you people mean...and i can understand. however, that doesn't mean i'll accept it. i thank you also CP. actually, i thank everyone. and...for the record...i'm not going to kill myself just yet...someone i need to meet first...
All, I can tell you is that I love ya. And no matter what I'll be here for you when you need me. Sometimes things might get tough, and your parents might be assholes, and crap. But you always have me if you need me. *Hugs* I don't want you to do anything stupid. Your one of my best friends, and I don't know what I'd do without you.
well shadow its great that you are back. Reading Shades posts and not seeing any comments from you in awhile was greatly missed. I really dont have a comment on the whole cutting issue...mainly cause i never done it so i cant really input correctly. But I can say that its good that you are taking into account certain peoples feelings and how they might be effected by the lost of you. I would love to say I understand your pain... but that would be a lie... and I would hate for Shade to say something rude to me LOL!!! but I will say that life can be wonderful and horrible... and i hope that one day you are blessed with many rainbows and happy days... Hush Shade you know me by now to understand I cant say nothing negative!! Hopefully blogging allows you to vent out all your views and emotions and we ( Shade, myself,anarchy, and other people) can give you sane or reseasonable inputs. hmmm thats about sums it all up..take care Shadow!!!
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