How To

It's come to my attention that next to no one knows how to act in a fast food restaurant. Good thing I'm here to clear this mess up! I've worked in various fast food places and have just the experience needed to help you, your friends, your parents, and your children learn how, and how NOT, to act when frequenting a fast food joint.

1. DON'T BE AN IDIOT - This should go without saying, but sadly, it must be said. There's really no specifics involved here, just don't be a blathering dolt and you should be okay. Don't assume that you know more than the person who works there (exceptions apply), especially if they're explaining how something works. Don't be pushy, bossy, arrogant, or disrespectful. Remember, we're the ones handling your food in areas that you can't see.

2. DO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR CHILDREN - We sure as hell don't want them wandering behind the counter, wandering out the door into the parking lot, wandering into the bathrooms, or wandering into other people's food. It's not only annoying for us, it's also annoying for the other customers. We're not going to watch your kids. It's not our job. If they break something, guess who gets to buy it?! You do! Hooray! So keep track of the little buggers.

3. DO SHUT YOUR DAMN BABY UP - There is nothing worse than the resounding howl of an infant/toddler/small child, especially in a building that contains no carpet whatsoever. If they start crying, do something about it! We don't want to fucking hear it! Take them outside! Take them to the car! Who cares, get them out of the place! You know, it's fine, within reason, if your kid is having a fit, and you're attending to them. That's cool, we can wait. But for the love of all that is holy, if you're one of those parents who goes by the training method of 'ignore it and it'll stop,' DON'T BOTHER COMING IN. You're just annoying everyone around you, and you will eventually be asked to leave.

I cannot even begin to tell you how annoying it is having to listen to an idle parent's brat. I don't have kids because I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO THEM SHRIEKING LIKE A CRAZED HOWLER MONKEY when they don't get sprinkles. I shouldn't have to put up with 45 minutes worth of tantrum because you're too sorry of a parent to do anything about it. Or you don't have the balls. Or you've decided that your child is an angel and their demonic howling is quite angelic, in the right light. This is based on a true story. If I ever see this lady again I may go on a wild killing spree.

4. DON'T GO THROUGH DRIVE-THRU ON YOUR CELL - Why the fuck do you think you're so important that we should have to wait for you? If you're on your phone, pull off into the lot, finish your conversation, and then order. Or put the phone down while you order! But don't make us wait for you to finish finding out what happened on the latest episode of your favourite reality show.

It's also super rude to be on the phone when you get up to the window. I mean, you don't go up to the register on your phone, now do you. No, you sure as fuck don't. So why would you go up to the drive register on one? If we repeat your order back, and you're not listening, and then it's wrong, that's your own fucking fault.

5. DON'T BYPASS THE SPEAKER - Unless you are legally deaf, have trouble reading, or can't speak loudly enough for us to hear you, stop at the damn speaker! You are not king or queen of anything, you have to stop just like everyone else does! This goes back to not harassing the people who are handling your food. If you decide that you can do whatever you want, and pass the speaker, then that messes up all of our orders. Or if you don't trip the sensor at the speaker, you're going to be sitting at the window for a long damn time. We can't hear you honking. Don't bother.

6. DO ASK - For anything. Really. If you want your x kept in y, then ask! (For instance, ice cream kept in the freezer) If you want condiments or napkins or your receipt, ask! Don't expect us to be psychic. We have a certain amount of things we put in bags, and if you want more, then you're going to have to tell us. If you don't want your sundae to melt, we'd be more than happy to keep it in the freezer until the rest of your order is ready. If you don't ask, and then want it remade, you're making us waste product because you're too much of an imbecile to understand that ICE CREAM FUCKING MELTS. Also based on a true story.

7. DON'T BE AN IDIOT - I figured I should end here. Retouch on this point. We handle your food. We handle your food. Remember this. Meditate on it. Think about it next time you go into a fast food restaurant.

That is all.