You Only Disappear

I'm going to share something very precious with you.



There was a turning point for me, when I was with Aodhan. There was one night, one dark night, where I discovered that I had to leave. I sat at my desk and sang along with this song for hours, crying. I can still taste the metal of the gun barrel that I had in my mouth at one point.

I sound like just another stupid kid, right? I know. But I have never known anything other than abuse, and that's hard to take.

Something harder, I regret leaving. Especially because he was...he was ill, and that's why he mistreated me. It doesn't excuse everything, but it explains it all. For the whole three people who actually read this, if you haven't visited this link yet, here it is. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to figure it out, and learn how to deal with it. I am bi-polar. I know how to fight, and how to counter, and how to hide. I have a firm hand on my emotions, a metal collar, and they only run rampant in my head and in my words. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to get better.

That night showed me how little time I had left if I didn't leave. I couldn't control myself anymore. I couldn't keep that part of me quiet. I am not a weak person, I have never been, out of necessity. I was shattering, shattered, at that point. I'm hardly better now.

I've always lived with no regrets, but now I have one. I don't know how to take it. It feels natural, to regret, but at the same time, it feels like I should have been better all along. I should have known better than to love, I should have known better than to leave, I should have known better than to not pull the trigger.

I'm sorry for the depressing topics of my posts as of late. I'm using my blog as a confessional again, something I haven't done outright for years. I can't tell if it's because I'm trying to heal or I'm falling to pieces.

Every time I open myself to someone, even a little, I get burned. I have too many problems right now, too much pressure. Maybe that's why I keep confessing every time I open my mouth. Or rather, touch a keyboard. I don't want to be by myself forever, and right now it's the direction I'm headed in.



Armand: If I am merely symmetry for Emily's girlfriend, let me go now, before I hang on any longer. My patience, while infinite in the right circumstances, is wearing thin in this. I won't wait forever for you to figure out that, even though I am not a needy person, I do expect you to acknowledge my existence at least once a month.