Hiding

The thing about hiding is that you sacrifice parts of yourself to do it. You tell yourself It's what I want, really, I just don't want to go out right now. I can later, just not now. And then it starts to spread to other parts of your life. Oh, I just won't check my messages for a little. I won't answer my email tonight, I'll get it tomorrow. I don't need to make a post. And then suddenly it's been three months and no one has heard from you.

And the sacrifice part? It's not like I was writing a whole lot in those three months when I went offline. Oh, sure, for the first week, when I wasn't constantly thinking about something to post, it was relaxing. A relief, even. And then I just stopped thinking about it all together, and I felt lazy and lethargic and apathetic. Which is all very well and good when it only lasts a few days, but this is months. Seriously.

So I started writing again, on anything handy. Like back in high school. I've got all these little scraps of receipt paper and napkins laying around now with random poetry on them. I am both amused and disgusted.

I mean, I have a perfectly good internet now, I don't need to litter so much :P


Said one hand to the other:
"Pray, let us again relive our youth,
Let us crush the walls before us
Laying waste to those who dare defy."
Said one hand to the other:
"Pray, let us touch the sky."

It was a long way down and it's a longer way back up again.

Ten Fading Fires

I.
So tell me who I should be,
Since everyone seems to know
Except me.
Give me something static to grasp
Between shaking hands
While I walk up and down your burning streets,
The filthy gutter water on my feet,
And your sweet homes now ashes in my throat.

II.
Tell me, what lie will sustain you at the end
When, born in darkness,
Another echo emerges from the gaping wound
Like a hydra with a fetish for flesh.

III.
Suddenly, it's just me again
As though it never ended.

IV.
If you never ask I will never tell,
And all those pesky secrets
Will never have to bother your vapid mind.

V.
Another cupcake for the heathen!

VI.
Until next time, you clueless whore,
Take me for granted once more,
Take me at face value and learn the truth.

VII.
Another scar for the dunce on the web!
Ladies and gentlemen,
He's down for the count!
Now watch as he gets his stupid ass
Counted out.

VIII.
You know who you are:
Take it from me,
You don't have what it takes
To take it from me.

IX.
Ice in my veins
Fire on my tongue

X.
I always have the final word.

Invidious

"Faceless fallacies,"
She said
With a heart full of
Spiderwebs.
"It's the cupboard in the attic
Beside the rotten bed."

Tomorrow is golden,
Painting pure:

"Such a mocking masquerade,"
Said the demon from the drawer.

Right and Left

IT'S NOT LOVE
I'M LOOKING FOR

Come to terms with a different sound
It's not
A violent gushing of blood
From a broken heart

It's not my missing part

I don't want flowers and wine and chocolate
Silken sheets and music

I'm not looking for a knight
A prince
A prophet

I just want someone a little more...

Dominant.

This Is Screaming

Static ringing
Say

Bells bells bells

I hear voices in my head
The sun rising
Rising

I've got a rhythm to meet

It's coming
A long time
A LONG TIME

She said

I almost don't want to hold it together anymore
Just start screaming
Until heaven

WHISPERS AWAY

Static building into a sweet
Lullaby
To fall to sleep to

And inside

INSIDE SHE SAID

Is where I can't hold on anymore
I don't want to have to deal with this
Except
EXCEPTION

I have to
Or I lose something

PRECIOUS

Sad Little Life

You've got the whole world,
Don't you,
In a pocket of your too-tight jeans.
One day you plucked it from space
And tucked it away,
Someplace where everyone would bend to you
With meekness on their face.
Such big blue eyes that you hide behind,
And I tell you now
They're full of pride,
Full of desperation, right?
To find someone who will love you
Regardless of yourself
In spite of yourself
Because of yourself.
And everyone you push away with the way you act
Is just another notch you'll remember
When you grow up
And look back, dreaming,
On something that could have been full,
But was empty.
You don't want pity or compassion
But you want us to respect you without emotion.
Vanity sealed upon your heart,
A desperation
A DESPERATION
Tearing the world apart.
You act like you've never had someone stand
Against your anger
Before your wrath,
And I'm here to tell you that I am
DIFFERENT
Because I won't let you make me crawl
Before someone who has the world enthralled.

Fourth Virtue

It's like saying the moon is purple,
A rich little lie
Whispered into the night.
Am I a hypocrite?
For wanting things to be alright,
For respecting life,
For protecting what's mine?
I depend on the safety
Of the societal norm
To keep me sheltered and
Keep me alone.

Why shouldn't we trust another's words?

If they say that they're good,
If they say that we should?
Society dictates we all have to lie
Just like the moon
Looking down from the sky.
And I guess when it comes to
Trusting someone new
I embrace the truth
That there is no truth
In someone who desperately wants
To know you.

Why shouldn't we trust another's words?

Because sometimes even if we could,
Even if everything seems as it should,
There's a feeling I get on the back of my
Tongue
And I've had it forever,
And I've had it so long,
That I trust what it says and I
Push them away,
Regardless of what pretty words they might say.
Because sometimes, as it turns out,
Society's not wrong
And sometimes, as it turns out,
The feeling's too strong.

I'm not giving in to a desperate plea
To stop defending myself
From people like me,
To just trust someone else
Without waiting it out,


Because sometimes people lie
And the moon is still white.

Deprivation

Petals, she says with a smile~

I am just a figment in a world
Undivided;
Unequipped to contain what should be free.
Since I am what everyone could be

Except...

Something in me is broken and
Fixing it?
Would mean facing a blinding light
In a sterile room.

"Recently that has seemed like the sane option,"
Says Lithium sweetly,
"Wouldn't it be nice?"
It would be, I can't deny

Except...

Who would I be when I came out?
"Who are you now?"
I am a patient blasphemy
In a world undivided
To hold people like me.

Petals, she says~
I've got to hold it together

Except...

I never sleep
And rock bottom always feels like this.


I'M NOT OKAY
But I don't know how to fix it.
I can't just LET GO

Petals~

I CAN'T LET GO AFTER ALL THIS
BECAUSE PRESSING ONE CIRCLE INTO MY THROAT
(means she'll choke)
Is admitting I am not good enough
Strong enough
Smart enough
Stable enough
To keep it together for the rest of them

PETALS, SHE SAYS~

Except...

I'm broken and I can't afford to haul my carcass
To the shop

One Long Rant

She's going to change who you are
Just to make her feel a little bit better
About losing

A mutual friend of Blue and I recently was broken up with by her long distance boyfriend of 3 years. Regardless of the fact that they are still deeply in love with each other. Regardless of the fact that this friend, let's call her

> NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY (and secrets to hold you while you sleep)

Jhanti, let's call her Jhanti, regardless of the fact that she has the highest libido of anyone I've ever known and has remained 100% faithful to him. He broke up with her and now she is

>Just like the rest of us

Devastated. She's devastated and distraught and looking for a way to make it not hurt so badly.

>GUESS WHAT, BITCH (it never stops)

I don't want to hate her because she is a girl, just a child, a year younger than I am, just an immature little DOLL, but I do hate her. I don't care. I can't make myself care. I shape my face in sympathy and empathy and a little bit of humour, but honestly I just hate her. I want her to shut up. I want her to

>GET OVER IT (like the rest of us)

To realize that he HARMED HER by cheating on her, by then breaking up with her, by just letting go. She holds him on a pedestal like a god while we mere mortals can neither slander nor remark on his radiance. I UNDERSTAND but it doesn't mean I have to like it more. I know it was different for me, with Aodhan. Not by a whole lot

>CHILDREN PLAYING AT CHILD'S GAMES (it was the most real thing i've ever had)

But it was still different. She doesn't see a bad guy in all this, and so trying to offer her a shoulder is...difficult.

>BLIND LEAD BY THE LOST (i only go so far)

She is a child, and she acts like a child, and she refuses to be anything other than a child because she was taught that, because she's got beauty and brains and a SWEET SMILE, she doesn't have to try as hard. She's got a prince SOMEWHERE, she's got a

>CHASM BETWEEN HER AND THE REST (like i did?)

Hope of getting out alive, but she doesn't try. We're always here for her, Blue and I, and all she wants to do is fight us. To tell us how wrong, how stupid, how lost we are without HER FUCKING GUIDANCE. She reminds me of my stepfather. HER WAY IS THE ONLY WAY, ALLAH BE PRAISED. The irony is, I escape much of her girly wrath by being a girl myself while Blue takes the brunt of it. I TALKED HIM DOWN from confronting her in anger. She DEFENDED HERSELF BY BEING A GIRL. I just want to SLAP HER sometimes because it's so STUPID. Being a girl is not a DEFENSE, it's a DISABILITY. It is a MAN'S world, and she has quoted that saying at me, 'Girls have to be as good as men and be able to do everything they can IN HEELS.' I don't even bother playing that game.

>I DON'T LOWER MYSELF TO THE SEX WARS (i don't have one to begin with)

I guess I just don't understand that desire, to be as a fucking girl all the time. To rely on those gender stereotypes of the helpless, hapless female. It is a man's world, I guess. She's a feminist, but she doesn't see how being that STEREOTYPE, that little girl, is completely DEFEATING HER PURPOSE. I don't play. I DON'T PLAY. I am strong and smart and geeky and I earn respect by being me, by not playing, by not being a DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. By not being a bitch and relying on TYPICAL GIRL EXCUSES to cover for me.

She thinks the world revolves around her and she can do no wrong and she is always right. I'M SICK OF BEING THE MEDIATOR. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE. But I am left with no choice in the matter. If I don't hold it down, hold it together, it's going to explode and fall apart and I'm not going to be in the middle of that bullshit again (a la Annie).

>IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO (or nine)

Blue isn't blameless either. He provokes her and there's only SO MUCH I CAN HEAL AND MAKE EXCUSES FOR before there aren't enough words left to cover. There's only so much I can do. And I probably shouldn't cover for either one of them, but they are both CHILDREN, and if I don't help, they won't be able to do it by themselves (I've tried). He is ARROGANT and used to me. I am a very relaxed person and I listen and I accept that there are views other than my own. In other words, I BARELY RESEMBLE A GIRL. I don't know how to tell him that treating her like he treats me is GOING TO FAIL because she doesn't understand how to do it yet.

>WISDOM UNRELIANT (i am dead if they read this)

Also, dear anonymous, whoever the fuck you are. Either GROW A PAIR and leave your name with your comments or just GTFO. I have my comments set so that you never have to log in, create an account, or whatever. All you have to do is type your fucking name. If you don't feel that you can leave your fucking name, you don't have the right to wish me a happy birthday. If it is who I think it is, YOU HAVE MY FUCKING NUMBER, JUST SHOOT ME A TEXT. FUCK. IT WOULD BE LIKE NOT SIGNING YOUR NAME ON A CARD. THAT CARD DOESN'T MEAN SHIT.

>DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE REAL (when you obviously aren't)

Psychosomatic

Tessellations of the same old thing
Like
Raindrops on roses and
Girls in black dresses
Fragments of a time when the world still
Revolved
(You've got to know it's still going)
A crossing of mild destiny
Breathing out each second like it's the last.
Rising vultures,
Rising tides.
Tonight it's the same old thing
Like
Brown paper packages tied up with rope.
There's something off about the entire fiasco.
Suddenly
I'm not half the men I used to be;
There's a halfhearted whisper in the dark.
Owing bits and pieces to a culture
I was never a part of to begin with
Really takes the cake.

Which is a lie.

Unspoken

Silken secrets in flesh and blood,
A door
To another world eternal,
Yet in violence do we rot our breath,
In pitiless exile we rot our brethren.
Sun stealers on high, though, still,
One must be darkness to
Hold a light.
So, then, do we know truth?
Ashes tell us of fires past as bones
Shatter in empty corridors.
As many hands as could have held a locket
Says London bridge may be more than a
Song after all.
We are more than broken tile?
One wayward glance,
Lock-pick;
Thievery is in my blood
Hidden behind a door.

VVV

There's a specific reason
FOLLOWFOLLOWFOLLOW
You tore it up to build it down
Streets in rain
TORE IT UP
Down the stairs
capscapscaps
REFLECTION
dANCE wITH mE
I don't want it
I've got something you don't know :3
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater
HAD A WIFE AND COULDN'T KEEP HER
I want you to NOTICE
Not because I forced you
But because
YOU CAN
XD you don't have it
YOU DON'T HAVE IT
Shhhhh...
PANIC
Flip the switch
CAPSCAPSCAPS
Don't take me at face value
SHUTTER
SHUDDER
shake
faceFaceFACE
I want
I WANT
balance

BreakBreakBreak

Believe in something
Real:
Elastic fairy tales spoken by
Anyone blind enough to hear.
Kind words from a twisted mouth
(Bringer of sorrow)
Reminders of a distant truth
Empty and unclear. Tastes of
Aluminum and copper to
Kill the senses.
Breaking,
Return to the
Era of innocence
And fall down, fall down,
Kingdom for a locket.

Nine to Extinguish

I.
I came across you in a dark alley
In a dark city I found in the past.
You sell what lies beneath your silken shawl
But have nothing beneath your breast.
Truth thus told, I burned you down,
Burned the city to the ground,
Truth thus told, I fell to my knees

II.
Blessed insight to startled doves:
The sky is your cage
The clouds are your blood.

III.
Rhythm denying a sought for release
Rhymes stealing flames like thieves.
Not so tough, I have to dream,
Not so shoddy as I seem.
Not so wicked, not so vile;
Demons drag me back to my eternal exile.

IV.
BREAKBREAKBREAK

V.
From my knees I look into a sky denying,
From my knees I see angels crying.

VI.
Faceless demons with claws and fangs,
Hit the floor with blood grenades,
I take the hits, I drink the blood,
I wake up tomorrow in the mud.

VII.
Shudder to hear the sound of your voice,
Never had a choice,
Never sought the poison brew,
Never thought I'd leave you.

VIII.
FLASHFLASHFLASH

IX.
I rise from my knees and though I hear you
Beg and plead
I walk away and not once look back

FlashFlashFlash

Interlude played out with silken thread
Hushed audience awaiting a bitter end:

Who, then, will rise upon the stage?
Who, then, will dance upon the grave?

Such arrogance from velvet curtains falls
Like dust and cobwebs to coat the walls,

And touching home the blade to breast
Finally find eternal rest.

Theoretic

Separate disguises
One mask to coat them all,
Flimsy fallacy to fool the masses.
I was never meant to be,
Never meant to be myself.
Touching, isn't it,
The rise from two dimensions to three?
Something went wrong,
Guesses made,
Something let me become,
And here I am today.
How scandalous! To think
That I, a dark cover, could be
Anything other than a fallacy.


Man, writing a novel takes it out of you >.<

Happy Samhain

Ticker tape bandit
Sublime criminal, breath held
What water falls behind your eyes
True justice laid at my bedside
Pincushion poltergeists with rapid motion
Colourful swirls of ebony and white
The window lets them in from outside
Crossless facets of a blinding tune
Up comes down
This jar holds the moon
Behold the glory of a broken sound
Ticker tape bandit
Up comes down

Crisp

Because it's like
Eternal wandering.

"Autumn favouritism,"
She said.

It's stuck in my throat
But she just smiles
And walks away.

These trees are a tomb
For a wretched heart.
She's walking my grave.

"Ephemeral,"
She said.
She smiles as she turns.

"Walk with me,"
I whisper.

She pretends not to hear.

That's okay.
These trees are my tomb
And she'll be back,
She always is.
Autumn favouritism;
Bleeding brown.

It's never been so clear.

_________
Anonymous: Even though I don't know who you are, thanks.

Depth

Don't take me for granted:
I have a fetish for falling.
Below the surface
I'm not what you see,
I have a darkness inside me.
Take advantage,
It's all I need.
Redemption is a painful purity to seek.
Inside the mind
It's like floating on ashes,
Taken to places where I am free.
It's like drifting on cotton,
My legs give out under me.
I have a fetish for falling,
Darkness lulling me into blank dreams.

You Only Disappear

I'm going to share something very precious with you.



There was a turning point for me, when I was with Aodhan. There was one night, one dark night, where I discovered that I had to leave. I sat at my desk and sang along with this song for hours, crying. I can still taste the metal of the gun barrel that I had in my mouth at one point.

I sound like just another stupid kid, right? I know. But I have never known anything other than abuse, and that's hard to take.

Something harder, I regret leaving. Especially because he was...he was ill, and that's why he mistreated me. It doesn't excuse everything, but it explains it all. For the whole three people who actually read this, if you haven't visited this link yet, here it is. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to figure it out, and learn how to deal with it. I am bi-polar. I know how to fight, and how to counter, and how to hide. I have a firm hand on my emotions, a metal collar, and they only run rampant in my head and in my words. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to get better.

That night showed me how little time I had left if I didn't leave. I couldn't control myself anymore. I couldn't keep that part of me quiet. I am not a weak person, I have never been, out of necessity. I was shattering, shattered, at that point. I'm hardly better now.

I've always lived with no regrets, but now I have one. I don't know how to take it. It feels natural, to regret, but at the same time, it feels like I should have been better all along. I should have known better than to love, I should have known better than to leave, I should have known better than to not pull the trigger.

I'm sorry for the depressing topics of my posts as of late. I'm using my blog as a confessional again, something I haven't done outright for years. I can't tell if it's because I'm trying to heal or I'm falling to pieces.

Every time I open myself to someone, even a little, I get burned. I have too many problems right now, too much pressure. Maybe that's why I keep confessing every time I open my mouth. Or rather, touch a keyboard. I don't want to be by myself forever, and right now it's the direction I'm headed in.



Armand: If I am merely symmetry for Emily's girlfriend, let me go now, before I hang on any longer. My patience, while infinite in the right circumstances, is wearing thin in this. I won't wait forever for you to figure out that, even though I am not a needy person, I do expect you to acknowledge my existence at least once a month.