Demons

I am the forgotten
Left behind

Washed up

I am the protector
The forsaken
The sacrifice

For the voices you don't have the

Will

To silence all by yourself

This sacrifice dedicated to you
By one swift stroke
In drunken fury
Down a pale branch

You are the child

And I will tuck you in at night

Chasing the monsters from the closet because
You can't

I wanted to fall into the deep
With stars spinning above
But you

You pulled me between the rock
And the desert

Demanding that I be your co-dependent
Clingy

BANDAGE

Explanations

Because I can't explain it if you can't see it now.

I wish I could hold your head in my hands and blow a breath
Of secrets
Into your soul
So you could see the way I see
And why I see it

I can't hand you the answer key when I only know
From fantasy

But it's the trust and the commitment and the soft
Gentleness inside,
The way I wake up and want to touch the
Promise
Around my neck

But you're looking at a shattered caricature of what this is
And I don't think I can fix it.

If you can't taste the freedom and relief from stress,
The not having to worry about what comes next,
The way the moonlight shivers down the flesh,
The hearts beating, caged, inside the breast-

I can't give you the gift of knowledge,
The eyes to see beyond the cover and into the depths

And I'm sorry that I can't explain what I want
What I need
What I have to have

But I passed the point you're at and found that,
Deep below,
It's the most beautiful thing
In
The world

Without

I will never hold you against my skin
With hands reaching

You've lost the brilliance I remember in sordid dreams
Dreamt in darkness
Dreamt in sorrow

I am the one left standing above the world without voice

I have not because I ask not
Because I need not
Because I
am
not

It's drizzle on the rooftops

I am alone

┌¤┘

Unholy addiction
Salvation
Imitation
Silken silent shuddering
Blissful creation
(Like moth to destruction
Inhaling exhaustion
Accept the infection
Relentless reflection)
Mechanical moving parts
Under suspension

Of Gods and Goddesses

But it's this burning ember within,
Taunting me with what might have been.
And I, a fool perhaps,
Look down a path that I can never walk again.

I will always regret that it wasn't him.

But I won't be the rock in the stream,
A longing reach for something from a dream,
Merely wearing down with time
Until there's nothing left of me.

I won't wait blindly.

But I sketch charcoal portraits of wishes unfulfilled
And hang them on walls of guilt,
A poignant reminder:
I would be waiting still.

I can't hold my breath forever.

I can live with the regrets,
And I will learn to do so yet again,
I am a fool, you see,
Hurting for what might have been.

_-*

I'm fine

Why would I lie?

I'm the one left awake at night

And you know I'm alone
All the time

If I had a metal promise in
My hands
I could reach the sky

I COULD GO OVER THE STARS TONIGHT

And there wouldn't be any more alibis

Or choking on
Words
Because there's just not ENOUGH of them
To fill the void

And I have tasted the metal promise on my tongue

And I have held the edge against a vein

And then I simply walked away
Back into the wretched day

But I am holding onto the noise in my head this time

So the static doesn't fade
And why would I lie?

I'm fine

Metus

Inter spem et metum
I am trapped
Waiting,
Wishing.
"I am the fallen," and
"I am the fissure," and
"Inter spem et metum,
I have found redemption."
And without words
We spoke together
Into the night.
Inter spem et metum
I am caught
Desiring
Caught dreaming
(Between hope and fear
I am choosing)

Remembrance

Fear
Unending,
I try to shield my face
From
What I know will come.
I'm
Pleading
"Don't do it,
Don't hit me again."
But I know it's
Coming,
I know it's coming.
Do I deserve this?

Night Lights

I.
And we, by candlelight,
By a moon unseen,
Breathed in an ocean of doubts
And exhaled simple lines.

II.
"Tonight," she said,
"I have chosen."

III.
Tibi sum, domine.

IV.
Waiting in the wings a
Voice
Crying out for an encore,
An encore!

V.
"Once spoken it is true,"
She said.
"I have promises to keep
And miles to go,"
She said,
"Miles to go before I begin to dream."

VI.
By candlelight and a moon
Hinted at only in a swallow of
Light

VII.
I have written,
Written,
Will write
A million truths to you
Before the next
Sunrise

VIII.
Tibi sum, domine,
Te amo

Maranatha

I liken you to a star
                in the night sky
    Diamonds spread on velvet sheets.
Your eyes are the wind
       And my soul the reeds,
  Bending before your call.
             You are my waterfall
I go over the edge of the world
      Finding peace beneath your crystalline waves.
My lungs burn to let you in.

       I am swallowing the sky tonight

In Circles

Did we all start as angels?
I remember the falling from heaven,
The landing;
Who are you?
They say that if you don't take the chance
It will never come by again
And I?
I believe it.
You still have such beautiful wings
Even here on earth.
I wish you could hear my song,
My singing,
The whispers just below the surface.
I have said I am an abomination
And you?
You have yet to see it.
How can a demon promise an angel light?
Deceitful harlot,
I say,
Deceitful witch.
I will make you see me for who I am
And then?
Every word we've said is subject to change.
I would never hold you to me,
I would never wrap you in chains.
I would never make you like me.
You are always free to fly away
On the wings of
An angel.

Never

You rolled me under the waves
And I,
The unbending,
Caved
Before something warm and
Safe.
My guilt is a knife wound,
An icicle overhang.
My weakness will cause pain
And anguish
And I will be alone again
Because I never showed you
How deep
And dark
(And broken)
My rabbit hole goes.
(I wonder how long it will take)
I'm afraid
And I'm sorry
And I'm selfish
Because I want to,
Just for a little while,
Be held by someone who doesn't look at
A monster,
A child,
A sinner,
(A shattered soul)
Just for as long as it takes
Let me not be alone.

Pendulum

Don't take it for granted,
She said.
The dust settled again.
I was waiting for the next step on a path
I had forgotten.
You know it won't stop,
She said.
I am standing below the conductor
Watching the dust flash by.
I have forgotten the desire,
The will,
The reason.
You never had it in the first place,
She said
As she walked away.

Hiding

The thing about hiding is that you sacrifice parts of yourself to do it. You tell yourself It's what I want, really, I just don't want to go out right now. I can later, just not now. And then it starts to spread to other parts of your life. Oh, I just won't check my messages for a little. I won't answer my email tonight, I'll get it tomorrow. I don't need to make a post. And then suddenly it's been three months and no one has heard from you.

And the sacrifice part? It's not like I was writing a whole lot in those three months when I went offline. Oh, sure, for the first week, when I wasn't constantly thinking about something to post, it was relaxing. A relief, even. And then I just stopped thinking about it all together, and I felt lazy and lethargic and apathetic. Which is all very well and good when it only lasts a few days, but this is months. Seriously.

So I started writing again, on anything handy. Like back in high school. I've got all these little scraps of receipt paper and napkins laying around now with random poetry on them. I am both amused and disgusted.

I mean, I have a perfectly good internet now, I don't need to litter so much :P


Said one hand to the other:
"Pray, let us again relive our youth,
Let us crush the walls before us
Laying waste to those who dare defy."
Said one hand to the other:
"Pray, let us touch the sky."

It was a long way down and it's a longer way back up again.

Ten Fading Fires

I.
So tell me who I should be,
Since everyone seems to know
Except me.
Give me something static to grasp
Between shaking hands
While I walk up and down your burning streets,
The filthy gutter water on my feet,
And your sweet homes now ashes in my throat.

II.
Tell me, what lie will sustain you at the end
When, born in darkness,
Another echo emerges from the gaping wound
Like a hydra with a fetish for flesh.

III.
Suddenly, it's just me again
As though it never ended.

IV.
If you never ask I will never tell,
And all those pesky secrets
Will never have to bother your vapid mind.

V.
Another cupcake for the heathen!

VI.
Until next time, you clueless whore,
Take me for granted once more,
Take me at face value and learn the truth.

VII.
Another scar for the dunce on the web!
Ladies and gentlemen,
He's down for the count!
Now watch as he gets his stupid ass
Counted out.

VIII.
You know who you are:
Take it from me,
You don't have what it takes
To take it from me.

IX.
Ice in my veins
Fire on my tongue

X.
I always have the final word.

Invidious

"Faceless fallacies,"
She said
With a heart full of
Spiderwebs.
"It's the cupboard in the attic
Beside the rotten bed."

Tomorrow is golden,
Painting pure:

"Such a mocking masquerade,"
Said the demon from the drawer.

Right and Left

IT'S NOT LOVE
I'M LOOKING FOR

Come to terms with a different sound
It's not
A violent gushing of blood
From a broken heart

It's not my missing part

I don't want flowers and wine and chocolate
Silken sheets and music

I'm not looking for a knight
A prince
A prophet

I just want someone a little more...

Dominant.

This Is Screaming

Static ringing
Say

Bells bells bells

I hear voices in my head
The sun rising
Rising

I've got a rhythm to meet

It's coming
A long time
A LONG TIME

She said

I almost don't want to hold it together anymore
Just start screaming
Until heaven

WHISPERS AWAY

Static building into a sweet
Lullaby
To fall to sleep to

And inside

INSIDE SHE SAID

Is where I can't hold on anymore
I don't want to have to deal with this
Except
EXCEPTION

I have to
Or I lose something

PRECIOUS

Sad Little Life

You've got the whole world,
Don't you,
In a pocket of your too-tight jeans.
One day you plucked it from space
And tucked it away,
Someplace where everyone would bend to you
With meekness on their face.
Such big blue eyes that you hide behind,
And I tell you now
They're full of pride,
Full of desperation, right?
To find someone who will love you
Regardless of yourself
In spite of yourself
Because of yourself.
And everyone you push away with the way you act
Is just another notch you'll remember
When you grow up
And look back, dreaming,
On something that could have been full,
But was empty.
You don't want pity or compassion
But you want us to respect you without emotion.
Vanity sealed upon your heart,
A desperation
A DESPERATION
Tearing the world apart.
You act like you've never had someone stand
Against your anger
Before your wrath,
And I'm here to tell you that I am
DIFFERENT
Because I won't let you make me crawl
Before someone who has the world enthralled.

Fourth Virtue

It's like saying the moon is purple,
A rich little lie
Whispered into the night.
Am I a hypocrite?
For wanting things to be alright,
For respecting life,
For protecting what's mine?
I depend on the safety
Of the societal norm
To keep me sheltered and
Keep me alone.

Why shouldn't we trust another's words?

If they say that they're good,
If they say that we should?
Society dictates we all have to lie
Just like the moon
Looking down from the sky.
And I guess when it comes to
Trusting someone new
I embrace the truth
That there is no truth
In someone who desperately wants
To know you.

Why shouldn't we trust another's words?

Because sometimes even if we could,
Even if everything seems as it should,
There's a feeling I get on the back of my
Tongue
And I've had it forever,
And I've had it so long,
That I trust what it says and I
Push them away,
Regardless of what pretty words they might say.
Because sometimes, as it turns out,
Society's not wrong
And sometimes, as it turns out,
The feeling's too strong.

I'm not giving in to a desperate plea
To stop defending myself
From people like me,
To just trust someone else
Without waiting it out,


Because sometimes people lie
And the moon is still white.