Death of Progress

yeah, here i am. finally got the DSL back. whatever

i have no reason to feel this way. there is no reason for me to feel this depressed and sad. nothing traumatic has happend to me, nothing that i am really that worried about. so why do i feel like this? why can't i be normal like everyone insists that i am? and why do i have to keep pretending to be something i'm not when it's really obvious to someone else that i'm just a fake? and while i'm whining about this, why do i have to be so rude to some people?

alright, now that i'm done whining, maybe i can move on a little. or not. teachers have it in for me. they wait until the week of contest and then pile on the homework and projects. and that's enough on that topic. hmmm, what was it... Little R? yeah, that sounds right. dude, what is up? sorry about bugging you to death to find out what was wrong....(yeah, i feel guilty, alright?!?) just a little concerned for you sometimes. i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid.

what i want to say can't really be said, it can only be felt, and i wouldn't wish that on anyone. enough of cutting myself down. i admit that i'm messed up and that i need help. now that i've done that, shouldn't i get better? somehow, all the progress i made just slipped from my fingers and i'm back to where i was. back to barely resisting the voices in my head that call for my blood. and my grades show that drop. show that i'm not being able to keep going. it's kinda scary, when i look at it from a rational point of view. but then, i'm rarely rational. i guess i just want to talk about stuff with someone who understands and won't make fun of me. maybe i'm delusional, but i thought that i'd found someone like that. but being her friend means ripping apart another friendship that i've had for a while. the one holding me down. maybe that suppression is what i need. maybe not. i don't know anymore.