Happy Winter Solstice

You are full of arrogance
Floating through life in a dream,
Assuming that you are the only truth
The center of the storms
Thinking you have found the only way
The only light, the only life,
Demanding that everyone be exactly as you.
Who do you think you are?
Arrogant to the last
Who do you think you are?



My mother sent me a cd for Christmas. This would be alright if it was in a genre I actually listened to. But I do not listen to contemporary Christian music. At all. No exceptions. And the only reason I ever did was because she bought me cds and I tried them.

She texted me today and asked me to listen to all of it. I personally cannot stand their music. I've looked up clips to make sure. I said I probably wouldn't. She sent back that there was no reason for me to celebrate Christmas since it's a celebration of Christ's birthday then.

She said I shouldn't celebrate Christmas since I didn't like her present.

Dear Mother, I hope you're reading this. Christmas started as a pagan holiday. Jesus was probably born around March. You haven't liked everything I've gotten you before, but you still accepted it graciously and I never demanded that you listen to/read/use your gift. I appreciate the fact that that cd helped you through a tough time in your life. Really. What you need to understand is that I HATE that music, and I don't care how much it means to you, I am not going to voluntarily listen to that. Please keep in mind that I have radically different tastes than you do. And I have since ever.

Much love

Demons Dreaming (Breathe In, Breathe In)

(Unceasing agony)
KNEEL
And know your defeat
PRAY
For mercy
How does it feel to be broken
How does it feel to be used
Abused
Warped into something else
(Kill me)
KNEEL
(Kill me)
PRAY
(Which way...)
Every tear is another link in the chain
Every breath is another wave of pain
Every day is another way to spell defeat
(It's so sweet...)
So kneel at the feet
And pray

Well, Does She?

I hold it in my arms.
Let me cry just one last time.
Hold me safe tonight.
(And does she worship?)
A veil torn from my face
Floats down onto the floor.
I walk the streets at night.
I am the darkness in your soul
The burnt edge on your toast.
(And does she worship?)
I hold my own.
Who can condemn me, who can hold me close?
I am always all alone.
Creature of darkness,
Creature of light,
I step into the sun,
I step into the night.
(And does she worship?)
What are you looking for, dark restless one?
Who are you seeking?
Will I know her when I find her?
(And does she worship?)
On this quest of many hatreds
I am the one to find my way.
Beg me to stay.
One little girl left out in the cold
I am always on my own.
(And does she worship?)
Sitting at a table with a paper at my hand
And the words are written with blood and sand.
A desert stretching as far as I can feel.
(And does she worship?)
I know that I'm not real.
A fractured jewel held together with steel,
Faceted memories that I can only feel.
I am looking for the one I've always sought,
And they tell me it's God.
Tell me again.
The Mistress who walks at night,
The one who's always been just out of sight,
The one who kisses my trembling lips,
The one who gives me more than this,
Should I deny who I am?
Should I deny that she is my heart beating
Not beating
Beating
Not beating
In my chest?
(AND DOES SHE WORSHIP?)
I deny no longer.
Could it be yes?

Love Song of the Sickness

Little windows in time
Hearts beating faster like ravens wings.
I watch, merely a humble spectator,
Savoring each and every radiant motion
Frozen in portraits of brilliant desire.
And oh, this desire is a sickness in me,
A creeping, wretched thing,
Not jealousy but a mass of crippling muck
Tinting my thoughts and making me weak,
Making me sick inside,
A sickness that boils in my veins…
His pale goddess glowing on my screen
And I have fallen in lust and continue to remain there
Allowing myself to drown like the bitter monster I am,
Bitter demon,
The one who has no wings except in darkness.
I caress the god and his goddess with my eyes,
My sickness flowing through me leaving a sweet stain on my tongue
Reminiscent of the death I am so enamored of,
My death, my internal agonizing rot.
I hold dear to my heart that I have also been chosen,
Like his goddess,
Except I can taste on my tongue that I am nothing,
Nothing even worth his time, nothing close to good enough for him,
And I scream at the sickness to implode and leave me empty,
A husk, a hollow doll,
I scream that I should leave them above me.
I can never ascend to even be touched by their glorious beauty
I can never hope to be cradled and the sickness assuaged…
He looks upon me and my heart skips a beat,
My forever longing making me grateful of even a moment’s notice,
He says that his opinion of me is enough
And yet…
I am stricken by the god and his goddess,
Awed by the beauty and elegance and purity of their union.
Who am I to even be a blemish on his radar?
Who am I to kneel at his feet and offer my adoration?
Who am I to hold this sickness inside…?
So broken, so used, so used to pain am I,
I cannot even function in a way worthy of his attention…
I have no right to lust after his goddess
No right to kneel and kiss his feet
NO RIGHT to hold his interest, hold his consideration,
Hold anything of his…
And yet, I persist in holding them both dear to my heart,
The sickness a safe resting place for my desire,
And through the sickness I can see my unworthiness…
The god and his pale, perfect goddess floating above me
While I lay on a bed of coals and worship from a distance,
My breath caught in my throat so firmly
I can do nothing but hope I may lay in their glory forever…

Happy Hallowe'en and shit

I.
You build the walls,
You watch them fall.
Such is life,
After all.

II.
You have to know
I'm proud to be owned.
You're just jealous
Because you're all alone.

III.
Little one, dry your eyes,
Hush, please don't cry.
I gave up so much for you,
Now you make my worst fears come true.
Thanks for re-breaking my heart,
I'm going to end this before it starts.

Rationality of Pain

I'm sitting here crying, not just for me
Should never have admitted that I'm weak
Humanity is something I should shun
I've let my heart come undone...

I can't begin to express the sorrow in my heart
I know I've hurt you and it tears me apart.
Believe me, I never meant for it to happen
I admitted something that shouldn't have been...

I guess I get what I deserve in the end
And maybe, after it all, we'll still be friends,
I keep wanting to apologize, to make you understand,
But I don't have control over my shaking hands

I know how I made you feel
I know that you're the one who's real
And here I am, too frightened to make a sound
Because I'm curled in a corner on the ground

Defined Define Defining

Inkblot butterflies
I will tell you all the lies
Truth fleeing from my veins
What do the doctors know?
Behind their secret doors with dolls that have secret parts
Things that make children weep,
Cold tables on which you sleep
Paper gowns that never cover, only show.
Down which hallway will you go?
Eyes watching from every fucking window
I know them, I know them all
It's almost like they're laughing, wanting me to fall
So there can be pills and pain and blood
Swirling down the drain.
I won't cave to the pressure
And you don't own this girl anymore
I'm not your fucking whore, you don't have the right
I'm not going to fight
Doctors are nothing in matters of the soul
I have the control

Silent Secret Tears

Please don't let me go!
i promise
With all my heart
By the moon and stars
Not to let You down,
Keep going steady to the future,
i won't let anything slip.
You won't come between me
And anything.
School takes no thought at all.
Please, please keep me
(my infatuation shines
i only think about You all the time)
Promise, promise times a thousand
i'll make You proud
i'll make You so proud
Please keep me...
All i want is your approval,
To feel the black band,
Your black band,
Around my neck.
And i'll do anything to keep it:
i promise to do my best,
Please don't let me go...

Why, yes, that IS Peter Gabriel

You ask me what i'm afraid of
And i say that i don't know.

i stutter and blush and refuse to meet Your eyes
(Disobedient slut)
But You, You are never surprised.
And all my feeble tricks are to no avail,
You see right through them, behind them,
Leaving me trembling and pale

What am i so frightened of, what leaves me in tears,
Is it the first time? Is it who You are?
No, instead, i find that qualities i felt were good
Were passed over, abused, mislabeled before.

It isn't Your fault i can't seem to behave,
It isn't what You do, it isn't what You say,

i'm terrified of being something other than what You desire
And while i try to please You, i can't help but cringe inside,
Hoping You come back and play just one more, one last, time.

i accepted the gift in the ebony box,
(From the Priest, He's the doctor,
He can handle the shocks)
Clasped it on and stood my ground,
A light flush on my cheeks,
And the way You treated me
Made my knees go weak

If i could, i would kneel, beg You to keep me just a while longer,
i would do anything your darkest depraved dreams desired,
But here I am, so far away, and You will never know,
How hard i'm trying to stay the same, not let emotion show.

You ask me what i'm afraid of,
And i say that i don't know,

But i know it's anticipating the sound
Of Your voice when i finally let you down...

S E P T U M S E P A R A T I O N

I.
Structured brilliance
Kisses
Dynamite exploding
Let there be light!
I am the moon
Where is Romeo?
Fast asleep beside the television
Watching static whiz by
And where am I?
In bed alone in an empty home

II.
Birds have no wings because the angels stole them, you see
They forgot what it was like to fly and so
With a hack and slash and flick of the wrist
They took the feathers and bones and blood and heart
And stitched everything together into a boat
If you're silent and still, you can see them float on the clouds,
But if you move, they'll come down and slit your throat

III.
THERE WAS A DOOR
but you must never open it

IV.
I burn the lights in the middle of the day
Must keep the darkness away
Hold a bottle in my outstretched hand
Let the pills slip and you shall be free
WHAT ABOUT ME

V.
I will sleep the dreamless sleep
I will sleep dreamless forever
You, with your will to live,
You think you're so much better
And yet here I am, pushing up the daisies
With a silver lever

VI.
Place the coins on my eyes
Tie the string to my toe
Pour beer down my throat
Watch my nails grow
Tonight I shall wake

VII.
there was a door
BUT YOU MUST NEVER OPEN IT

On Your TV Screen

I keep meaning to post and keep not posting.

My head is full of static. I can't focus. I can't focus...I'm exhausted even though I slept all day. So long...now I can't tell. I think, I think I'm losing my mind.


SO MUCH STATIC!

I can't stay focused on any one thing...I can't remember...I can't think

can't think can't think can't think


Holy hell, where is my sanity going...



It's not drowning it's being lost it's being eaten it's being buried it's being

unknown lost broken

This is what death sounds like
I can feel it creeping in
I can feel it creeping up
Where do I get to go?
I can't even remember what I just wrote

I can't even think of who I am
Is it this again?
Am I losing myself to a void
Losing my voice
Do I have a choice?!

With great power comes
Nothing
Like bells ringing
Let us repent!
Preacher man sending us to hell
And there's always the bells
They know who we are inside
And then the preacher man
He dies
Goes to hell
And the bells
What hope is there for the rest
If he was the best

Guess we're in rat's alley
Where the dead men lost
Lost their minds
Static consuming like plague
Rats running over my grave
And when I die and they lay me to
Sleep?
I come back and moan and weep

WHISPERING TO THE SUN







let it be done

Rules

So I bought my first car last night.



Less than sixteen hours later, the brakes failed, slamming me into the back of a flatbed on the highway, totaling my car.





I didn't need an ambulance, but I'm bruised and horribly pissed off. The dealership says that it's my problem because it had no warranty and I bought it as is. Too bad Texas has a law about selling unsafe vehicles. They have an auto shop on their property.



And the excuse?

There isn't one. Apparently, they just didn't look at the brakes. Or something.




I put a stop payment on my check because they didn't call me for five hours or so after I called them and informed them of what happened. They said that's fraud (whether that is or not, I don't know).


They also charged the credit card of the person who went in on it with me without his signature. That's fraud by any definition of the law.



Now we're in negotiations and I'm being told by everyone to sue for either pain and suffering or the sale of an unsafe vehicle.

I may have lost my new job thanks to the fact that I couldn't make it the first day since I happened to no longer have a car to get there in.



You know, you'd think there'd be a law about selling cars with faulty brakes, but, alas, it seems that no one gives a fuck until it happens to them. Or their child.




I keep thinking about what if it hadn't been me who had bought the car? What if it was a family with small children? I bought a Honda Accord Sedan. Good car for a family. I hit the truck going 55-60 and he was going about 45-50. Smacked in the face with an airbag. What if there had been a child in the passenger seat? What if there had been a baby in the back?

The way everything went, this was the best case scenario for this to happen. Everyone was fine and the truck didn't even have a mark on it. Well, some mud was wiped off his mudflap...



But what if there were children? What if the driver had been pregnant? What if the brakes had given out when I had to stop suddenly going the normal highway speed of 80? What if...what if...what if...



What if they had given out when someone was test driving it?



What if I couldn't stop when I was going through an intersection? What if?




I don't know what we're doing, but if they keep fucking with me and won't settle, I'm going to sue them. They can't sell cars that have no brakes.





I told you...I wasn't allowed to be happy....

Annie and Hanna

I am so wrong
And not allowed to be mad
I am the one who should pay for what you never had
(Jealous much?)
You think you're such a righteous virgin
And she thinks she's such a righteous slut
But I am the one who doesn't deserve
Simply because I have what you never could
(Never had time for)
And you think you're such a righteous virgin
And she thinks she's such a righteous slut
And I don't deserve it because I'm not worth enough
Woe unto me for sleeping with the one man I ever loved
It makes me not good enough
Oh, righteous virgin, oh, righteous slut
What makes you so much better than me?
What makes either of you above me?
I, who accepts all the pain and swallows without a second thought,
Who has lost and loved and lost and lost and lost,
Who has come to be told by nearly everyone she's just not good enough...
I wanted trust and respect and love
And am told that I can't have those things
Because I'm just not good enough
Because I am a slut
Because, suddenly, it's wrong to be in love
I guess you're better than me, for loving and letting go
And never having to rebound with someone you know
Maybe you're the pure one, oh righteous virgin,
But I think you're far more filthy than I
And maybe you're the pure one, oh righteous slut,
But I think you're far more filthy than I
I'm being told to hold the pain in until I die
And now I'm told I'm a whore for not rolling over again
Oh virgin, oh slut, you were never friends

Everything I Lost

I've not slept in nineteen hours. I keep getting this urge to slit my veins open and press bloody hand prints all over the walls...

The walls are too white

And the ceiling and the floor and everything else

I want colour!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE COLOURS?!

I just can't seem to care.

Fuck sleep

Fuck everything

My poor graphics card...

It's hard to post things when you don't have access to the interwebs. Srsly.

I really don't have anything to say. I'm depressed, moody, and fucked up. I have issues keeping my emotions in check.

I guess that's normal, though, right?

(Beautiful blinding lights
Forever haunting me with memories
As if I could sleep already
I can't hold my own hands steady)

I tend to push myself to the point of exhaustion before I go to bed. Just so I don't have to think.

Thinking sucks.

("Forever and ever, Amen,"
She whispered to her best friend.
But forever turned out to be two and a half years
And her pillow is soaked with tears)

I play DnD now, thanks to Blue. It's really awesome. I look forward to every friday.

And I keep not thinking.

Because that's the only way I can make it

Get Over It or GTFH

It's just like you to expect me to bend
To be the perfect friend
To be the doormat I've always been
To be the one to cater and please

I'm through living my life on my knees

If I won't take shit from him
Why should you expect me to swallow yours?
You stand back and scream and cry
And I'm left with bitter lies
You stand back and cry and scream
And I'm left with
Hollow hopes and tasteless dreams
A few old memories

But they no longer hold sway
And your words just push us away

You think that you're the only one who feels
Bitch, get real

You've got some nerve being like this
Being so high maintenance
Being so pissed

I was always there for you,
I was always whatever you wanted me to be
And you
Where were you the whole time?
YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING MINE

I don't see why I should have to consider you now
After all the let downs
After all the pain I swallowed to be your friend
And now, in the end,
Here you are wishing I was a doormat again
And here I am wishing you would just be happy for us

Isn't it better that he and I are friends?

Would you rather it be some chick you don't know?
Some random bimbo with a perfect body,
Angel eyes, and hair like the sun?
At least you know me...

Or do you?

The way you act, the way you fight
You never knew who I was because you were too busy
Being there for the bitch who let you down
And now where are you?

I'm vindictive, sure
And I say you deserved her
And I say you deserve to let go
Just like everyone else
Fuck, I should know

You can't hold on to something that is no longer yours
And is not mine
And is not yours
And is not mine
AND IS NOT YOURS

So get over yourself

Decay?

A window
With a heart built from stone
Razor wire against the ground
Every wind blowing through the holes
The rotten walls
Basement filled with rotten secrets
A million words or less written on the hearth
Stairs leading ever upwards
To an attic filled with love

Septem

I.
Please don't cry
Wipe the tears from your eyes
This is for your own good
Same as mine

II.
Pretty words
I would have sold my soul
Six months ago
Now I'm just disgusted
Disenchanted
Keep trying to draw me near
You only succeed in keeping me here

III.
I bet you a million dollars
All you miss
Is the illusion

IV.
She held up her hands
Amazed in the disreality
The déjà vu
The world shattering numbness
Would she smile?
Bitterness pours from her mouth

V.
Love?
Fuck love
Fuck it like the whore it is

VI.
End of the line
End of time
No more tears to cry
No more wondering why
No more silent screams
No more painful dreams
This is the way it has to be
And I accept the inevitable decay
The chaotic destruction of every day
I worship the razing
The destruction, the death
With every brittle breath
One more step and I find that all the time
It was with me, it was inside
You held me back, down, under, drowning
Now I'm so much more

VII.
And so much less

Memories of You

Her throat beneath my hands
I shut my eyes
Her heart beating so hard in my palm
I taste it
Her breath coming in gasps
And I feel it
Convulsive, sweet
Like a warm wind
Her body beneath me shivering
While I hold her down and shut my eyes
She is silken, smooth, perfect
And I hold her
Everything else is distant and unclear
Voices and staring strangers
I hold her harder and smile
She is so warm and soft
And I am holding her
She is mine
And I hold her

Solo Melody

She sat in the old wooden chair, her hands resting lightly on it's arms. A breeze blew through the shattered windows, swirling her long hair around her face, fluttering her light skirt around her ankles. The abandoned office building was silent.

She shivered. The silence pressed in on her with bitter force until a scuff sounded from the hall. Her back towards the door, she didn't see him enter, only felt the disturbance in the room and a tightening of her stomach.

"Early, eh?" he casually asked.

She swallowed, nodded. Her hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly digging splinters into her soft skin.

"You are so striking in black, Aria. Like a little red haired porcelain doll. So...delicate," he whispered close to her ear.

Shuddering, she shut her eyes, her breath held.

"Such an angel..." he gently caressed her neck with a finger. "Why have you called me here?"

"Please, I just want it to end..." she quavered. Desperation drew the knots in her stomach tighter. His hands slowly slid down her pale arms and coaxed her grip to loosen, then release. He turned her wrists up, exposing the scars on each arm.

"You have poetry on your arms," he purred.

"Give me one last sonnet, Bard," she murmured brokenly. His hands disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a tiny razor blade in each elegant grip.

"Be still, poppet," his hot breath whispered in her ear.

She shut her eyes again, the bite of the twin razors pulling a smile to her lips. She felt her hot blood pouring down, cascading, letting her life fall away.

And she kept her smile, even as the light melted from her eyes and the Bard left.