Welcome to Earth

well, today was better for me. sorta. i kept forgetting to do things. (u guys, just shut up now b4 i drag u outta ur houses!!!) not like it matters that much, but it bothers me. not that anyone noticed or anything...

anyway, i didn't even try to live in reality. i just fail to see the point sometimes. and i know that will get me in trouble someday, but if you play with fire...everyone knows the rest. and i know that i'm pushing myself too far a lot. that i'm becoming dangerous to myself and others, but i can't make myself care all the time. and that's not good. in fact, it's bad. *smiles wanly* but i can't. sometimes i think that i could just walk away from the dark, but then something drags me back down. whispers...i'm not good enough, i can't, i would die without it...but i can't listen to them, i can't. and that was the problem with my other blog; i fell too far. but deleting it...pushed me over the edge. and i just sat down there (or here, depending on what view i'm looking at) and waited for something to happen. and it did. i fell even further. rock bottom started looking like a utopia. (don't lecture me on my grammer, i know it's atrocious...) but the light seemed so far above me, and i was scared to climb towards it. it burned me to look into the light. but it burned to stay down in the darkness. i belive that's called an impass, or something. whatever.

and just when i thought that i couldn't sink any lower, the ground opened up and swallowed me. and was that the end? no. it just got worse. i lied about what i was doing. and i was happy doing it. but there wasn't a purpose to my life. and the emptiness consumed me. and that was it. i came so close to just ending it all a lot. so close...and i knew that i could. i could control if i lived or died. and that scared me. the fact that i could just...do away with myself, it finally hit home. but only after someone hit me over the head with a ball bat and i promised not to do it anymore. and yes, i still struggle to keep the...there is no other word but lust, under control. and it's hard. oh, yes, it's the hardest thing i have ever done in my entire life. but i realized that i had become dependant on something that was bad for me. that would eventually take my life and destroy me no matter what i thought, or how in control i felt. and that really was the deciding factor.

and typing this makes it all come back to me. and i hate that. but if i didn't say it somewhere, then it would stay inside me...

"...Pressure building up behind the fears
Emotions that should come out in tears
That come in spurts of wild rage instead..."

i don't want to be like that anymore. sure, i get angry, more than is natural when i do, but that is due to something that happened in the past. and it is behind me, but the after effects still mangle my life something fierce. and that's all for tonight.

"...Finally admitting that maybe, just maybe,
You were hurt worse than you would say
And it does hurt, carving your heart away."