My poor graphics card...

It's hard to post things when you don't have access to the interwebs. Srsly.

I really don't have anything to say. I'm depressed, moody, and fucked up. I have issues keeping my emotions in check.

I guess that's normal, though, right?

(Beautiful blinding lights
Forever haunting me with memories
As if I could sleep already
I can't hold my own hands steady)

I tend to push myself to the point of exhaustion before I go to bed. Just so I don't have to think.

Thinking sucks.

("Forever and ever, Amen,"
She whispered to her best friend.
But forever turned out to be two and a half years
And her pillow is soaked with tears)

I play DnD now, thanks to Blue. It's really awesome. I look forward to every friday.

And I keep not thinking.

Because that's the only way I can make it

Get Over It or GTFH

It's just like you to expect me to bend
To be the perfect friend
To be the doormat I've always been
To be the one to cater and please

I'm through living my life on my knees

If I won't take shit from him
Why should you expect me to swallow yours?
You stand back and scream and cry
And I'm left with bitter lies
You stand back and cry and scream
And I'm left with
Hollow hopes and tasteless dreams
A few old memories

But they no longer hold sway
And your words just push us away

You think that you're the only one who feels
Bitch, get real

You've got some nerve being like this
Being so high maintenance
Being so pissed

I was always there for you,
I was always whatever you wanted me to be
And you
Where were you the whole time?
YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING MINE

I don't see why I should have to consider you now
After all the let downs
After all the pain I swallowed to be your friend
And now, in the end,
Here you are wishing I was a doormat again
And here I am wishing you would just be happy for us

Isn't it better that he and I are friends?

Would you rather it be some chick you don't know?
Some random bimbo with a perfect body,
Angel eyes, and hair like the sun?
At least you know me...

Or do you?

The way you act, the way you fight
You never knew who I was because you were too busy
Being there for the bitch who let you down
And now where are you?

I'm vindictive, sure
And I say you deserved her
And I say you deserve to let go
Just like everyone else
Fuck, I should know

You can't hold on to something that is no longer yours
And is not mine
And is not yours
And is not mine
AND IS NOT YOURS

So get over yourself

Decay?

A window
With a heart built from stone
Razor wire against the ground
Every wind blowing through the holes
The rotten walls
Basement filled with rotten secrets
A million words or less written on the hearth
Stairs leading ever upwards
To an attic filled with love

Septem

I.
Please don't cry
Wipe the tears from your eyes
This is for your own good
Same as mine

II.
Pretty words
I would have sold my soul
Six months ago
Now I'm just disgusted
Disenchanted
Keep trying to draw me near
You only succeed in keeping me here

III.
I bet you a million dollars
All you miss
Is the illusion

IV.
She held up her hands
Amazed in the disreality
The déjà vu
The world shattering numbness
Would she smile?
Bitterness pours from her mouth

V.
Love?
Fuck love
Fuck it like the whore it is

VI.
End of the line
End of time
No more tears to cry
No more wondering why
No more silent screams
No more painful dreams
This is the way it has to be
And I accept the inevitable decay
The chaotic destruction of every day
I worship the razing
The destruction, the death
With every brittle breath
One more step and I find that all the time
It was with me, it was inside
You held me back, down, under, drowning
Now I'm so much more

VII.
And so much less

Memories of You

Her throat beneath my hands
I shut my eyes
Her heart beating so hard in my palm
I taste it
Her breath coming in gasps
And I feel it
Convulsive, sweet
Like a warm wind
Her body beneath me shivering
While I hold her down and shut my eyes
She is silken, smooth, perfect
And I hold her
Everything else is distant and unclear
Voices and staring strangers
I hold her harder and smile
She is so warm and soft
And I am holding her
She is mine
And I hold her

Solo Melody

She sat in the old wooden chair, her hands resting lightly on it's arms. A breeze blew through the shattered windows, swirling her long hair around her face, fluttering her light skirt around her ankles. The abandoned office building was silent.

She shivered. The silence pressed in on her with bitter force until a scuff sounded from the hall. Her back towards the door, she didn't see him enter, only felt the disturbance in the room and a tightening of her stomach.

"Early, eh?" he casually asked.

She swallowed, nodded. Her hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly digging splinters into her soft skin.

"You are so striking in black, Aria. Like a little red haired porcelain doll. So...delicate," he whispered close to her ear.

Shuddering, she shut her eyes, her breath held.

"Such an angel..." he gently caressed her neck with a finger. "Why have you called me here?"

"Please, I just want it to end..." she quavered. Desperation drew the knots in her stomach tighter. His hands slowly slid down her pale arms and coaxed her grip to loosen, then release. He turned her wrists up, exposing the scars on each arm.

"You have poetry on your arms," he purred.

"Give me one last sonnet, Bard," she murmured brokenly. His hands disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a tiny razor blade in each elegant grip.

"Be still, poppet," his hot breath whispered in her ear.

She shut her eyes again, the bite of the twin razors pulling a smile to her lips. She felt her hot blood pouring down, cascading, letting her life fall away.

And she kept her smile, even as the light melted from her eyes and the Bard left.

Dreamer of Dreams

Once upon a time
Once upon a marvelous time
When the sky was blue
And the sun was golden
And the birds were making a-
(terrible buzzing)
-In the trees,
There lived a princess
The most beautiful, completely-
(crazy, just bloody crazy)
-Maiden the kingdom had ever seen
She lived in a beautiful castle on the top of a hill
And she spent all day-
(in shock therapy, currently)
-Just waiting for her prince to arrive with-
(another shot! Hurry it up!)
-So that she would be-
(drugged for a fucking long time)
-Her prince leaned over and said-
(She's waking up!
Keep her still, here's the shot
Watch out for her feet!
There we go
Back to sleep now, princess)
But the princess was discontent with her prince
And planned to wake

Precious Betsy Bell

Do you believe me?
When I speak, and my jaw is broken
Unhinged
Whispering into the darkened room
The plastic eyes staring on and there I am
Breathing
Forgetting to breathe
Breathing
Wishing I would never draw another breath
I held it close and stroked its fur
And everything I ever cried
Soaked in so far the wash couldn't get it out again
I'm afraid it will bite me
I'm afraid to look
I'm afraid to not look
Stripes and golden fur and all the pain in the world
Whispered in the dark
Was it ever easier to stay silent?
How did you know?
I wonder and ponder and try not to remember
I held an invisible hand
I cried invisible tears
A bee stung me, a smile fell from me
A room full of books and a home full of colour
Sun shining through bottles filled with water
Peacock feathers, marbles, daffodils
Today I pick up a knife
Tomorrow I pick up a stone
Yesterday I held a baby bird
And lo, from the darkness a voice was heard
It could never scream
I shattered
I woke one night with my voice stuck in my throat
Where were the lights?
Eyes staring at me and all I could see was you
Was it you?
Was it me?
I whispered and a hand-

From the darkness sprang division
I am the shattered
My mouth hangs open and I gather the cries of the lost
The broken
The haunted
I whispered and turned away
Was it ever so easy to stay silent?
No, there is ease in guilt and shame
I held out my broken hands and cried for a reason
Sometimes things are too loud to be spoken
And so I whisper
Do you believe me now?

Potpourri

My grapics card is dying...slowly...I cry. And also I love Ace Ventura. I laugh and also cry all at once. Which actually hurts a lot.

I know absolutely that I know nothing absolutely
And so I absolutely cannot say with certainty
That I am absolutely certain
That certainty is absolutely not an absolute
That I can absolutely believe in

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

EDIT- check out my new link down there on the right. Click on it and be knowledged! Thumbs up for slurpees

And now for something completely different

For lack of anything better to say, here's some excerpts from a story I was writing a while back. I think they're funny in context, and slightly funnier out of context. So...enjoy. Or don't. Whichever. (the first person point of view is Faith, the guy is Shepcan. Yes, Shepcan. It's a point of contention. Shut up)

Geez, he was either a psychopath or his mommy never taught him about the rainbow.

“So why did you name yourself? Or did you not have a name to start with?” Silence bugs me.
“Does it matter?” he considered me.
“If you want the rest of my name, it does. It’s not creepy enough that you walk in cemeteries at night, pick up girls that you watch rise from graves, and live in a psycho house, but now you have an alias? Dude, it’s like you’re stalker of the year.”
“What’s wrong with my house?” he fairly pouted. Of all the things I said, he chose that one to dispute. Naturally, that would have been the one I picked.
“It’s black and white! The only colour you have is shut behind the cabinet doors and the fridge! It’s like, ‘the better to see your blood with, my dear.’ I’m sure the red would stand out fetchingly. You should have named yourself Creepy McStalker.”

Shepcan: “Yes, I have, but I want to hear your story. You seem, for lack of a better word, different.”
Faith:“I bet you tell that to all the suicide victims.”

It was like falling asleep, seriously, except for the pain and the desire to scream and claw my eyes out and the feeling that I was on fire as I felt each and every organ shut down. It was really great, if the new definition of great is unbelievable suck.

It was nice knowing he was upset for me. Or he just wanted me to stop crying. One of those.

You! Suck it!

I'm raking in the money, honey
I've got oodles in the bank
Oodles in my wallet
So much I don't know what to do with all of it
Just one problem
I'm not happy with my life
There's so much more I want to do
Just because you're content
Doesn't mean I am too
You're fulfilled with your work
While I feel like the jerk
For wanting to make something of myself
I don't want to be stuck in a nine to five
Beating my head into a wall to keep myself alive
I want to be a something
Maybe a someone!
So yeah, I've got the money, honey
I've got the cash, the franklins, the green
But you've got all the happy
And I've got all the pain
I want to be challenged and engaged
Not trapped in the corporate cage
You've got it made
Well I want it as well
Not a living hell
I'm not gonna be stuck in this job forever
I'm getting something better
Get over it

Truth of You

Bloody broken glass shards
My hands full
Screaming
You never listened then
Now you're a million miles away
My heart beats
And you lied like the dead to get me to stay
I am so over this
And over all you taught me
Here before the altar of my future
With a handful-
Press rewind
Do you remember all the petty lies
And fights and names
All the scars that I have you to thank
I am bitter, of course
Like November
Bitter, grey, cold, free
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am something else entirely
I stay up too late and go to bed too soon
I earn money and earn looks
You keep calling and saying 'come back!'
And I sit here and think
To what?
Beside my head as I sleep
Dreams to watch me as I-
Fast forward
Tomorrow I'll go out and forget you even exist
I don't need that old quick fix
No more knives or lies or alibis
Just me and these words at my side
You always wanted me to be your pet
This is the truth
Are you fucking dead yet?

I Want to Tell You A Story

She held up a hand and stopped me
Who am I?
A door opened
Here I am
Like following the rabbit
I want to say-
I put it all back together
With a curtsy
With a bow
Little turtles that skid on their shells
Flipped over to die
Sometimes I can't see the rabbit
She lowered her hand
Who am I?
Just like waking up to find
The walls are the wrong shade
The window is on the wrong wall
This bed is ill suited to the room-
She held up her hand
"I want to tell you a story"
With a smile I learned the hall was burning
Posted on the door
Churning winds that swept us away
She leaned closer
Eyes blank
Mouth bleeding
Broken fingers telling a story
The door swung shut and I lurched up
Heart in my throat

Story over

Flashbang

In turns
Too hot too cold
Turning
Behind the wall
With gloved hands
Broken fingers
A figurine of ivory
Partial vulnerability
It's always raining
Pipes dripping to the floor
And she knows it's not the same
Like
Raindrops on roses
She rises above the attic
Into the star strewn night
She takes flight
Out of the cardboard box
Yet the sun is rising
Too hot
Too cold
She falls to earth
Bloody mouth
Broken fingers

I want to tell you a story

So it's today

Bleed My Heart in Grey

Hark!
A heart
Bluebells on the wind
Chimes like blame
Fire starting in the yard
Open to interpretation
Dogs and coyotes
Tomorrow red like rust
Dust gathering
A storm!
You held it up for me
Furnaces blazing
I gave it to you
Tick tock
You never knew
Broken mirror in the bath
Razor blade dilemma
I held up my hand
Forever and ever amen
Promises
Then it rains

I'm so much more and so much less than you think I am

Pasts and Presents

You have the hardest time with each day
Waiting for the pain to go away
You keep hiding yourself from everything
Hoping for night to come and swallow you whole
But you've found a solution (soul pollution)
Without knowing the toll


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?


Each scar helps the weeks blend away
But you don't realize you've become the prey
The night creeps up and with it your desire
You don't know what went wrong
Like a lamb led to the guillotine (innocence became obscene)
You know you've been at it far too long


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?


Some day soon you'll cut too deep
And you'll have regrets as you fall asleep
Who will come across you as you rest
Blithly fallen, all thoughts to life ignored
Bitter tears will follow you down (drown and drown and drown)
Was it everything you hoped for?


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?

Was it everything you hoped for?

Was it everything you hoped for?

Resolved and yet...

One of my two resolutions is to write more. In general, natch, but specifically here. I've been ever so lax on this front and it's always helped inspire me. So...there.

It's just hard when I can't think of anything to write about :-/

I used to just sit down and write, but now it's like...idk, like I've lost my muse, I suppose. I really need to find some writing exercises or something. It's just, every time I find some, they don't interest me, or they're stupid or lame or what have you. I do have a story going at the moment, about a boy who eats his mother's eyes. While she's tied to a bed. He's six. ^_^" happy fun times

Tears of the Past

Sometimes I go back and read over what happened
I have trouble letting go
I just want to know if I was right to run
Or if I should have stayed and fought and bled to death
Passed out pieces of my soul to anyone around

I don't know, maybe there was a better way
And I just missed it

Everything's been left in pieces
And here I am wondering what happened
What happened to the circle I had
To the friends and the faces...

I have them on my mind a lot
And there's no way for me to say anything to them
So I just think
And I wonder if I could have made a difference
If I could have changed the outcome
If only I hadn't taken a side

But I did
So is it my fault that everything fell apart?
I keep wondering and chasing these thoughts
And keep going back to the evidence of what happened

I still wonder if they're all okay
Everyone
Was I the weak link in the chain?

I'd like to think not

Chuck?!?!?

I haven't posted in over a month. You'd think I'd at least be sorry about that, or feel weird, or something. Maybe a little on edge. I've not written much in this "break." I finally wake up again and now I'm not even writing. I've created something too comfortable to break out of. A nest of compliance and laziness and just five more minutes. It's not that I don't have ideas. I do. Really good ones. But when I finally get time to write, there's always something else that sounds better. Like gaming, or Y answers, or some show or movie. Anything other than sitting down and applying myself to what I love.

I finally wake to a world of grey
I won't bother anyway
I won't do it at all today
I'm just breathing...

In my defense, I've been working psycho amounts of OT, so good moneys, not so good quality of life outside of work lol. Hopefully we'll get slow again. While I appreciated the extra for Christmas, now I just want to relax for a while. This is like, the first Saturday in over three weeks that I've had off. I'm excited lol. Last Monday we went to see the Unborn and it got me thinking a lot about exorcism. A lot.

Mariposa
When will you dance?

Sooo...yeah. Video games are cool. *_* lol. I got Mirror's Edge for Christmas and it's had me enthralled. I've always loved the people who can do that. I found a video of a couple guys a few years ago who were simply amazing. Yes, I'm jealous

Candles burn too cold
So I set the house on fire
And it still wasn't enough
I only wasted a little time
Before I knew
And set the world ablaze

Chuck Norris can squeeze the orange juice from a banana