Do you believe me?
When I speak, and my jaw is broken
Unhinged
Whispering into the darkened room
The plastic eyes staring on and there I am
Breathing
Forgetting to breathe
Breathing
Wishing I would never draw another breath
I held it close and stroked its fur
And everything I ever cried
Soaked in so far the wash couldn't get it out again
I'm afraid it will bite me
I'm afraid to look
I'm afraid to not look
Stripes and golden fur and all the pain in the world
Whispered in the dark
Was it ever easier to stay silent?
How did you know?
I wonder and ponder and try not to remember
I held an invisible hand
I cried invisible tears
A bee stung me, a smile fell from me
A room full of books and a home full of colour
Sun shining through bottles filled with water
Peacock feathers, marbles, daffodils
Today I pick up a knife
Tomorrow I pick up a stone
Yesterday I held a baby bird
And lo, from the darkness a voice was heard
It could never scream
I shattered
I woke one night with my voice stuck in my throat
Where were the lights?
Eyes staring at me and all I could see was you
Was it you?
Was it me?
I whispered and a hand-
From the darkness sprang division
I am the shattered
My mouth hangs open and I gather the cries of the lost
The broken
The haunted
I whispered and turned away
Was it ever so easy to stay silent?
No, there is ease in guilt and shame
I held out my broken hands and cried for a reason
Sometimes things are too loud to be spoken
And so I whisper
Do you believe me now?
Friday, April 03, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Potpourri
My grapics card is dying...slowly...I cry. And also I love Ace Ventura. I laugh and also cry all at once. Which actually hurts a lot.
I know absolutely that I know nothing absolutely
And so I absolutely cannot say with certainty
That I am absolutely certain
That certainty is absolutely not an absolute
That I can absolutely believe in
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it
EDIT- check out my new link down there on the right. Click on it and be knowledged! Thumbs up for slurpees
I know absolutely that I know nothing absolutely
And so I absolutely cannot say with certainty
That I am absolutely certain
That certainty is absolutely not an absolute
That I can absolutely believe in
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it
EDIT- check out my new link down there on the right. Click on it and be knowledged! Thumbs up for slurpees
Friday, March 13, 2009
And now for something completely different
For lack of anything better to say, here's some excerpts from a story I was writing a while back. I think they're funny in context, and slightly funnier out of context. So...enjoy. Or don't. Whichever. (the first person point of view is Faith, the guy is Shepcan. Yes, Shepcan. It's a point of contention. Shut up)
Geez, he was either a psychopath or his mommy never taught him about the rainbow.
“So why did you name yourself? Or did you not have a name to start with?” Silence bugs me.
“Does it matter?” he considered me.
“If you want the rest of my name, it does. It’s not creepy enough that you walk in cemeteries at night, pick up girls that you watch rise from graves, and live in a psycho house, but now you have an alias? Dude, it’s like you’re stalker of the year.”
“What’s wrong with my house?” he fairly pouted. Of all the things I said, he chose that one to dispute. Naturally, that would have been the one I picked.
“It’s black and white! The only colour you have is shut behind the cabinet doors and the fridge! It’s like, ‘the better to see your blood with, my dear.’ I’m sure the red would stand out fetchingly. You should have named yourself Creepy McStalker.”
Shepcan: “Yes, I have, but I want to hear your story. You seem, for lack of a better word, different.”
Faith:“I bet you tell that to all the suicide victims.”
It was like falling asleep, seriously, except for the pain and the desire to scream and claw my eyes out and the feeling that I was on fire as I felt each and every organ shut down. It was really great, if the new definition of great is unbelievable suck.
It was nice knowing he was upset for me. Or he just wanted me to stop crying. One of those.
Geez, he was either a psychopath or his mommy never taught him about the rainbow.
“So why did you name yourself? Or did you not have a name to start with?” Silence bugs me.
“Does it matter?” he considered me.
“If you want the rest of my name, it does. It’s not creepy enough that you walk in cemeteries at night, pick up girls that you watch rise from graves, and live in a psycho house, but now you have an alias? Dude, it’s like you’re stalker of the year.”
“What’s wrong with my house?” he fairly pouted. Of all the things I said, he chose that one to dispute. Naturally, that would have been the one I picked.
“It’s black and white! The only colour you have is shut behind the cabinet doors and the fridge! It’s like, ‘the better to see your blood with, my dear.’ I’m sure the red would stand out fetchingly. You should have named yourself Creepy McStalker.”
Shepcan: “Yes, I have, but I want to hear your story. You seem, for lack of a better word, different.”
Faith:“I bet you tell that to all the suicide victims.”
It was like falling asleep, seriously, except for the pain and the desire to scream and claw my eyes out and the feeling that I was on fire as I felt each and every organ shut down. It was really great, if the new definition of great is unbelievable suck.
It was nice knowing he was upset for me. Or he just wanted me to stop crying. One of those.
Friday, March 06, 2009
You! Suck it!
I'm raking in the money, honey
I've got oodles in the bank
Oodles in my wallet
So much I don't know what to do with all of it
Just one problem
I'm not happy with my life
There's so much more I want to do
Just because you're content
Doesn't mean I am too
You're fulfilled with your work
While I feel like the jerk
For wanting to make something of myself
I don't want to be stuck in a nine to five
Beating my head into a wall to keep myself alive
I want to be a something
Maybe a someone!
So yeah, I've got the money, honey
I've got the cash, the franklins, the green
But you've got all the happy
And I've got all the pain
I want to be challenged and engaged
Not trapped in the corporate cage
You've got it made
Well I want it as well
Not a living hell
I'm not gonna be stuck in this job forever
I'm getting something better
Get over it
I've got oodles in the bank
Oodles in my wallet
So much I don't know what to do with all of it
Just one problem
I'm not happy with my life
There's so much more I want to do
Just because you're content
Doesn't mean I am too
You're fulfilled with your work
While I feel like the jerk
For wanting to make something of myself
I don't want to be stuck in a nine to five
Beating my head into a wall to keep myself alive
I want to be a something
Maybe a someone!
So yeah, I've got the money, honey
I've got the cash, the franklins, the green
But you've got all the happy
And I've got all the pain
I want to be challenged and engaged
Not trapped in the corporate cage
You've got it made
Well I want it as well
Not a living hell
I'm not gonna be stuck in this job forever
I'm getting something better
Get over it
Monday, February 23, 2009
Truth of You
Bloody broken glass shards
My hands full
Screaming
You never listened then
Now you're a million miles away
My heart beats
And you lied like the dead to get me to stay
I am so over this
And over all you taught me
Here before the altar of my future
With a handful-
Press rewind
Do you remember all the petty lies
And fights and names
All the scars that I have you to thank
I am bitter, of course
Like November
Bitter, grey, cold, free
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am something else entirely
I stay up too late and go to bed too soon
I earn money and earn looks
You keep calling and saying 'come back!'
And I sit here and think
To what?
Beside my head as I sleep
Dreams to watch me as I-
Fast forward
Tomorrow I'll go out and forget you even exist
I don't need that old quick fix
No more knives or lies or alibis
Just me and these words at my side
You always wanted me to be your pet
This is the truth
Are you fucking dead yet?
My hands full
Screaming
You never listened then
Now you're a million miles away
My heart beats
And you lied like the dead to get me to stay
I am so over this
And over all you taught me
Here before the altar of my future
With a handful-
Press rewind
Do you remember all the petty lies
And fights and names
All the scars that I have you to thank
I am bitter, of course
Like November
Bitter, grey, cold, free
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am something else entirely
I stay up too late and go to bed too soon
I earn money and earn looks
You keep calling and saying 'come back!'
And I sit here and think
To what?
Beside my head as I sleep
Dreams to watch me as I-
Fast forward
Tomorrow I'll go out and forget you even exist
I don't need that old quick fix
No more knives or lies or alibis
Just me and these words at my side
You always wanted me to be your pet
This is the truth
Are you fucking dead yet?
Friday, February 20, 2009
I Want to Tell You A Story
She held up a hand and stopped me
Who am I?
A door opened
Here I am
Like following the rabbit
I want to say-
I put it all back together
With a curtsy
With a bow
Little turtles that skid on their shells
Flipped over to die
Sometimes I can't see the rabbit
She lowered her hand
Who am I?
Just like waking up to find
The walls are the wrong shade
The window is on the wrong wall
This bed is ill suited to the room-
She held up her hand
"I want to tell you a story"
With a smile I learned the hall was burning
Posted on the door
Churning winds that swept us away
She leaned closer
Eyes blank
Mouth bleeding
Broken fingers telling a story
The door swung shut and I lurched up
Heart in my throat
Story over
Who am I?
A door opened
Here I am
Like following the rabbit
I want to say-
I put it all back together
With a curtsy
With a bow
Little turtles that skid on their shells
Flipped over to die
Sometimes I can't see the rabbit
She lowered her hand
Who am I?
Just like waking up to find
The walls are the wrong shade
The window is on the wrong wall
This bed is ill suited to the room-
She held up her hand
"I want to tell you a story"
With a smile I learned the hall was burning
Posted on the door
Churning winds that swept us away
She leaned closer
Eyes blank
Mouth bleeding
Broken fingers telling a story
The door swung shut and I lurched up
Heart in my throat
Story over
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Flashbang
In turns
Too hot too cold
Turning
Behind the wall
With gloved hands
Broken fingers
A figurine of ivory
Partial vulnerability
It's always raining
Pipes dripping to the floor
And she knows it's not the same
Like
Raindrops on roses
She rises above the attic
Into the star strewn night
She takes flight
Out of the cardboard box
Yet the sun is rising
Too hot
Too cold
She falls to earth
Bloody mouth
Broken fingers
I want to tell you a story
Too hot too cold
Turning
Behind the wall
With gloved hands
Broken fingers
A figurine of ivory
Partial vulnerability
It's always raining
Pipes dripping to the floor
And she knows it's not the same
Like
Raindrops on roses
She rises above the attic
Into the star strewn night
She takes flight
Out of the cardboard box
Yet the sun is rising
Too hot
Too cold
She falls to earth
Bloody mouth
Broken fingers
I want to tell you a story
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
Bleed My Heart in Grey
Hark!
A heart
Bluebells on the wind
Chimes like blame
Fire starting in the yard
Open to interpretation
Dogs and coyotes
Tomorrow red like rust
Dust gathering
A storm!
You held it up for me
Furnaces blazing
I gave it to you
Tick tock
You never knew
Broken mirror in the bath
Razor blade dilemma
I held up my hand
Forever and ever amen
Promises
Then it rains
I'm so much more and so much less than you think I am
A heart
Bluebells on the wind
Chimes like blame
Fire starting in the yard
Open to interpretation
Dogs and coyotes
Tomorrow red like rust
Dust gathering
A storm!
You held it up for me
Furnaces blazing
I gave it to you
Tick tock
You never knew
Broken mirror in the bath
Razor blade dilemma
I held up my hand
Forever and ever amen
Promises
Then it rains
I'm so much more and so much less than you think I am
Friday, January 30, 2009
Pasts and Presents
You have the hardest time with each day
Waiting for the pain to go away
You keep hiding yourself from everything
Hoping for night to come and swallow you whole
But you've found a solution (soul pollution)
Without knowing the toll
Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Each scar helps the weeks blend away
But you don't realize you've become the prey
The night creeps up and with it your desire
You don't know what went wrong
Like a lamb led to the guillotine (innocence became obscene)
You know you've been at it far too long
Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Some day soon you'll cut too deep
And you'll have regrets as you fall asleep
Who will come across you as you rest
Blithly fallen, all thoughts to life ignored
Bitter tears will follow you down (drown and drown and drown)
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Waiting for the pain to go away
You keep hiding yourself from everything
Hoping for night to come and swallow you whole
But you've found a solution (soul pollution)
Without knowing the toll
Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Each scar helps the weeks blend away
But you don't realize you've become the prey
The night creeps up and with it your desire
You don't know what went wrong
Like a lamb led to the guillotine (innocence became obscene)
You know you've been at it far too long
Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Some day soon you'll cut too deep
And you'll have regrets as you fall asleep
Who will come across you as you rest
Blithly fallen, all thoughts to life ignored
Bitter tears will follow you down (drown and drown and drown)
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Was it everything you hoped for?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Resolved and yet...
One of my two resolutions is to write more. In general, natch, but specifically here. I've been ever so lax on this front and it's always helped inspire me. So...there.
It's just hard when I can't think of anything to write about :-/
I used to just sit down and write, but now it's like...idk, like I've lost my muse, I suppose. I really need to find some writing exercises or something. It's just, every time I find some, they don't interest me, or they're stupid or lame or what have you. I do have a story going at the moment, about a boy who eats his mother's eyes. While she's tied to a bed. He's six. ^_^" happy fun times
It's just hard when I can't think of anything to write about :-/
I used to just sit down and write, but now it's like...idk, like I've lost my muse, I suppose. I really need to find some writing exercises or something. It's just, every time I find some, they don't interest me, or they're stupid or lame or what have you. I do have a story going at the moment, about a boy who eats his mother's eyes. While she's tied to a bed. He's six. ^_^" happy fun times
Monday, January 26, 2009
Tears of the Past
Sometimes I go back and read over what happened
I have trouble letting go
I just want to know if I was right to run
Or if I should have stayed and fought and bled to death
Passed out pieces of my soul to anyone around
I don't know, maybe there was a better way
And I just missed it
Everything's been left in pieces
And here I am wondering what happened
What happened to the circle I had
To the friends and the faces...
I have them on my mind a lot
And there's no way for me to say anything to them
So I just think
And I wonder if I could have made a difference
If I could have changed the outcome
If only I hadn't taken a side
But I did
So is it my fault that everything fell apart?
I keep wondering and chasing these thoughts
And keep going back to the evidence of what happened
I still wonder if they're all okay
Everyone
Was I the weak link in the chain?
I'd like to think not
I have trouble letting go
I just want to know if I was right to run
Or if I should have stayed and fought and bled to death
Passed out pieces of my soul to anyone around
I don't know, maybe there was a better way
And I just missed it
Everything's been left in pieces
And here I am wondering what happened
What happened to the circle I had
To the friends and the faces...
I have them on my mind a lot
And there's no way for me to say anything to them
So I just think
And I wonder if I could have made a difference
If I could have changed the outcome
If only I hadn't taken a side
But I did
So is it my fault that everything fell apart?
I keep wondering and chasing these thoughts
And keep going back to the evidence of what happened
I still wonder if they're all okay
Everyone
Was I the weak link in the chain?
I'd like to think not
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Chuck?!?!?
I haven't posted in over a month. You'd think I'd at least be sorry about that, or feel weird, or something. Maybe a little on edge. I've not written much in this "break." I finally wake up again and now I'm not even writing. I've created something too comfortable to break out of. A nest of compliance and laziness and just five more minutes. It's not that I don't have ideas. I do. Really good ones. But when I finally get time to write, there's always something else that sounds better. Like gaming, or Y answers, or some show or movie. Anything other than sitting down and applying myself to what I love.
I finally wake to a world of grey
I won't bother anyway
I won't do it at all today
I'm just breathing...
In my defense, I've been working psycho amounts of OT, so good moneys, not so good quality of life outside of work lol. Hopefully we'll get slow again. While I appreciated the extra for Christmas, now I just want to relax for a while. This is like, the first Saturday in over three weeks that I've had off. I'm excited lol. Last Monday we went to see the Unborn and it got me thinking a lot about exorcism. A lot.
Mariposa
When will you dance?
Sooo...yeah. Video games are cool. *_* lol. I got Mirror's Edge for Christmas and it's had me enthralled. I've always loved the people who can do that. I found a video of a couple guys a few years ago who were simply amazing. Yes, I'm jealous
Candles burn too cold
So I set the house on fire
And it still wasn't enough
I only wasted a little time
Before I knew
And set the world ablaze
Chuck Norris can squeeze the orange juice from a banana
I finally wake to a world of grey
I won't bother anyway
I won't do it at all today
I'm just breathing...
In my defense, I've been working psycho amounts of OT, so good moneys, not so good quality of life outside of work lol. Hopefully we'll get slow again. While I appreciated the extra for Christmas, now I just want to relax for a while. This is like, the first Saturday in over three weeks that I've had off. I'm excited lol. Last Monday we went to see the Unborn and it got me thinking a lot about exorcism. A lot.
Mariposa
When will you dance?
Sooo...yeah. Video games are cool. *_* lol. I got Mirror's Edge for Christmas and it's had me enthralled. I've always loved the people who can do that. I found a video of a couple guys a few years ago who were simply amazing. Yes, I'm jealous
Candles burn too cold
So I set the house on fire
And it still wasn't enough
I only wasted a little time
Before I knew
And set the world ablaze
Chuck Norris can squeeze the orange juice from a banana
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Hhhrrrrrrrrrtttttt
I.
I am red on black
Orange burning against my shut eyes
So full and so filled
Overflow
Out pours a trail of smoke
And do I fade away?
Only to return with yet more rage
II.
Heart of a word not yet created
Bitter full of yearning
Take a step in the left direction
Inflections
Referring to the title
Heart of a word not yet imagined
Too much of something
Burning
III.
Blaze like snow in the sun
She knew he was the one
Too full of fire to ever back down
Now he has her
She begins to drown
IV.
Drown like an addict with the next fix
V.
I am red on black
Orange burning against my shut eyes
So full and so filled
Overflow
Out pours a trail of smoke
And do I fade away?
Only to return with yet more rage
II.
Heart of a word not yet created
Bitter full of yearning
Take a step in the left direction
Inflections
Referring to the title
Heart of a word not yet imagined
Too much of something
Burning
III.
Blaze like snow in the sun
She knew he was the one
Too full of fire to ever back down
Now he has her
She begins to drown
IV.
Drown like an addict with the next fix
V.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Ignis Veritas et Ultio
"Ignis!"
She screamed
Woke shivering and blinking in the dark
Another violent dream
Another pounding heart
The night was freezing and colder
Frost glittering on the grass
She shivered and sweated lightly
Caught up in the past
"Veritas"
She whispered
Calming but still on edge
Biting words still haunting
She silently thought about what they meant
The door stood open
Her fear beating into the night
She was so alone
Dreams holding her too tight
"Et ultio!"
She smiled
Plans already taking form
Arms clasped around herself
In the darkened room
She lay back still smiling
Eyes easing shut
Dreams swirling around her
Sunrise creeping up
She screamed
Woke shivering and blinking in the dark
Another violent dream
Another pounding heart
The night was freezing and colder
Frost glittering on the grass
She shivered and sweated lightly
Caught up in the past
"Veritas"
She whispered
Calming but still on edge
Biting words still haunting
She silently thought about what they meant
The door stood open
Her fear beating into the night
She was so alone
Dreams holding her too tight
"Et ultio!"
She smiled
Plans already taking form
Arms clasped around herself
In the darkened room
She lay back still smiling
Eyes easing shut
Dreams swirling around her
Sunrise creeping up
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
|
Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of posies
Ashes
Ashes
We all fall down
V
V Feet first
V Head full of useless words
V Hands clutching the passing wind
V And you know you'll never get out again
V Because you don't want to face the truth
V You want to believe he loves you
V You know he's just going to let you down
V Children should be encouraged to drown
V You run, stumble, trip, fall
V You keep running into walls
V Monsters in the dark
V And hoping for the sun behind the curtain
V Now you're more than certain
V You never had a chance at all
V You were always falling
V Poor, pathetic you
V
It's 8:50 AM. Do you know where your children are?
Pocket full of posies
Ashes
Ashes
We all fall down
V
V Feet first
V Head full of useless words
V Hands clutching the passing wind
V And you know you'll never get out again
V Because you don't want to face the truth
V You want to believe he loves you
V You know he's just going to let you down
V Children should be encouraged to drown
V You run, stumble, trip, fall
V You keep running into walls
V Monsters in the dark
V And hoping for the sun behind the curtain
V Now you're more than certain
V You never had a chance at all
V You were always falling
V Poor, pathetic you
V
It's 8:50 AM. Do you know where your children are?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Hallowe'en Yet Again
She was wearing the shortest black velvet skirt she could find, her ass just peeking out from under it making it obvious she was wearing either a thong or nothing. She had paired it with a black velvet tube top a size too small, fishnet stockings and gloves, and a short black velvet cape. Her dark brown hair was piled high on her head elegantly and her makeup was dark but tasteful. A study in contrasts.
She had wandered in and out of a few parties all night, getting dirty looks from all the girls and admiring ones from all the guys. She had ignored all of them. Looking, always looking for him. But she knew better.
It was after midnight before she went to the graveyard. Cold, nearly too much, but she didn't want to go back home. She wanted him. She needed him. But she could never find him.
She sat on one of the concrete benches in the rich section and held her knees to her chest. The wind glided down her skin and she shivered. Tonight she had been so hopeful. It had seemed so right, thinking he would be there, somewhere, waiting for her to find him. And she would find him, she knew, but it had been years now. Too long. His trail had gone cold in this tiny town and she was stuck here waiting for something, for anything, to come along.
She was dejected. Her hopes had risen and fallen too many times and now she just felt numb. Her costume was desperate, her silent call for love, affection, warmth. All the things he had given her and then taken back when he had gone.
Something moved in the darkness. Her senses screaming suddenly, she launched herself up and ran, as fast as her inconvenient shoes would allow, away from whatever was coming at her. But a tiny voice said couldn't it be him? Couldn't he have found you? No! she screamed back. No, it's not him, it's not him, it can't be him, that's not right, it's not possible!
A wall rose in front of her and she nearly smashed into it. Behind her came running feet, so fast, so strange. She turned to face the thing with her only weapon: rage. If she was going to die tonight, she may as well fight.
It wasn't him, and a tiny voice inside cried in joy and another cried in grief. "A lovely costume," mocked a voice, and she smiled dangerously. "Thanks, dark one, but yours is much better." The shadows coalesced around it. She was certain of death now, certain of an end, and she welcomed it. Too long, too soon, but mostly too much of everything being ripped away from her before she could really enjoy it. Was life worth living if you never got to live?
"A fitting finale, my sweet." And just like that, her rage boiled over. Now she was aflame, smoke pouring from her mouth, the fire scorching the earth around her. "Finale my ass," she chuckled, and she poured her rage and fear and despair into the shadows. The light blinded the darkness, and the darkness was gone.
It hadn't been her end. It had been the end of an era. She was too old to hold on to the ghosts in her head, too old to keep hoping that she would find her one true love again. "Pretty like being burned alive," she whispered, as the flames abated. Oh, she was still in pain, still hurt and ashamed and angry, but now it was less. Now was the time to move on. Not a finale, the next movement.
She laughed and smoothed her tiny skirt. This town was small, but nice. Here she could stay for a few years, maybe twenty, maybe less. It depended on how social she was. His trail had ended here, but here hers would carry on.
She sighed and started for the edge of town, towards home, towards pretending to be human again. He was still here somewhere, she knew, still bitter and hating and wonderful...
The rain started that night and didn't stop until the next evening. She hated the rain now, hated how it must be him, how this was all he would say to her. "Damn water elementals," she griped. But a package showed up on her porch, neat and small. In it was a smaller vial of water...and a note. My Dearest, can you find me? And like that her hope and desire rekindled and she examined the vial. It was just rain...just what had been falling from the sky and still lay on the ground now.
She stepped outside and looked up sadly. No, she couldn't find him. He was in harmony with the earth while it fought her every step of the way. The life of fire elementals, the blessing and curse. The wind caressed her and she sighed. At least the wind was her friend...
And then there was a hand on her neck and she whirled to find
She had wandered in and out of a few parties all night, getting dirty looks from all the girls and admiring ones from all the guys. She had ignored all of them. Looking, always looking for him. But she knew better.
It was after midnight before she went to the graveyard. Cold, nearly too much, but she didn't want to go back home. She wanted him. She needed him. But she could never find him.
She sat on one of the concrete benches in the rich section and held her knees to her chest. The wind glided down her skin and she shivered. Tonight she had been so hopeful. It had seemed so right, thinking he would be there, somewhere, waiting for her to find him. And she would find him, she knew, but it had been years now. Too long. His trail had gone cold in this tiny town and she was stuck here waiting for something, for anything, to come along.
She was dejected. Her hopes had risen and fallen too many times and now she just felt numb. Her costume was desperate, her silent call for love, affection, warmth. All the things he had given her and then taken back when he had gone.
Something moved in the darkness. Her senses screaming suddenly, she launched herself up and ran, as fast as her inconvenient shoes would allow, away from whatever was coming at her. But a tiny voice said couldn't it be him? Couldn't he have found you? No! she screamed back. No, it's not him, it's not him, it can't be him, that's not right, it's not possible!
A wall rose in front of her and she nearly smashed into it. Behind her came running feet, so fast, so strange. She turned to face the thing with her only weapon: rage. If she was going to die tonight, she may as well fight.
It wasn't him, and a tiny voice inside cried in joy and another cried in grief. "A lovely costume," mocked a voice, and she smiled dangerously. "Thanks, dark one, but yours is much better." The shadows coalesced around it. She was certain of death now, certain of an end, and she welcomed it. Too long, too soon, but mostly too much of everything being ripped away from her before she could really enjoy it. Was life worth living if you never got to live?
"A fitting finale, my sweet." And just like that, her rage boiled over. Now she was aflame, smoke pouring from her mouth, the fire scorching the earth around her. "Finale my ass," she chuckled, and she poured her rage and fear and despair into the shadows. The light blinded the darkness, and the darkness was gone.
It hadn't been her end. It had been the end of an era. She was too old to hold on to the ghosts in her head, too old to keep hoping that she would find her one true love again. "Pretty like being burned alive," she whispered, as the flames abated. Oh, she was still in pain, still hurt and ashamed and angry, but now it was less. Now was the time to move on. Not a finale, the next movement.
She laughed and smoothed her tiny skirt. This town was small, but nice. Here she could stay for a few years, maybe twenty, maybe less. It depended on how social she was. His trail had ended here, but here hers would carry on.
She sighed and started for the edge of town, towards home, towards pretending to be human again. He was still here somewhere, she knew, still bitter and hating and wonderful...
The rain started that night and didn't stop until the next evening. She hated the rain now, hated how it must be him, how this was all he would say to her. "Damn water elementals," she griped. But a package showed up on her porch, neat and small. In it was a smaller vial of water...and a note. My Dearest, can you find me? And like that her hope and desire rekindled and she examined the vial. It was just rain...just what had been falling from the sky and still lay on the ground now.
She stepped outside and looked up sadly. No, she couldn't find him. He was in harmony with the earth while it fought her every step of the way. The life of fire elementals, the blessing and curse. The wind caressed her and she sighed. At least the wind was her friend...
And then there was a hand on her neck and she whirled to find
Friday, October 31, 2008
If you're honest...
...sometimes you can get the truth.
Your Element Is Fire |
 Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many. |
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Psalm 6:6
I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.
I only wish I could craft verse as fluid as this...
I only wish I could craft verse as fluid as this...
Monday, October 27, 2008
Held Close, Far Away
I stand in the wind and drink it
Like a cup of dark tea
The leaves strike my face and I can't see them coming
So dark, the moon behind clouds
Unrestrained, my new wings glimmer
Black and glittering
So long and graceful and beautiful
It surprised me, the beauty
I glory in the feeling with my wings folded
I am just a creature in the night held close
Just a creature held close
Held close
Dare I think of the past?
I do
All the beauty drains away
The Book is not evil...the Book is not evil
Yet I no longer read
The words that came so easily hold only pain
"For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping"
Oh, the weeping!
I eat and drink liberally
Or at least I used to
It was his favoured punishment
Read until you are what I want you to be!
Kill what you are until you are what I want!
Die!
Die!
And like that I turn away
Because now I can
Now I am free
The wind is my tea
I am the clouds
I am the sea
I am what I am what I am
He isn't here
And I am not afraid to be this creature
This creature held close
I am held close
Held close
I'm the darkness in your soul
I'm the burnt edge on your toast
The bitter tang in your tea
The cloud above the sea...
Faithless?
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless
Like a cup of dark tea
The leaves strike my face and I can't see them coming
So dark, the moon behind clouds
Unrestrained, my new wings glimmer
Black and glittering
So long and graceful and beautiful
It surprised me, the beauty
I glory in the feeling with my wings folded
I am just a creature in the night held close
Just a creature held close
Held close
Dare I think of the past?
I do
All the beauty drains away
The Book is not evil...the Book is not evil
Yet I no longer read
The words that came so easily hold only pain
"For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping"
Oh, the weeping!
I eat and drink liberally
Or at least I used to
It was his favoured punishment
Read until you are what I want you to be!
Kill what you are until you are what I want!
Die!
Die!
And like that I turn away
Because now I can
Now I am free
The wind is my tea
I am the clouds
I am the sea
I am what I am what I am
He isn't here
And I am not afraid to be this creature
This creature held close
I am held close
Held close
I'm the darkness in your soul
I'm the burnt edge on your toast
The bitter tang in your tea
The cloud above the sea...
Faithless?
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tearing Off Their Wings
There's a man standing on a book
He screams into the world
I hear his screams and turn away
Away from the madness and hate
Like the rest are turning or dying
I walk from the man
He doesn't love, this man
Just stands on his book and yells
I'm tired of waiting for coherence
I'm tired of pretending ignorance
I am who I am what I am
And not even the Reaper will change me
A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind
He doesn't pause to consider
Just screams louder with each day
I am deaf to his moronic ideas and pleas
I am the darkness that got away
He is the slayer of innocence
And he loves to kill my hope
A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind
He is the man in the closet
The monster under my bed
I fear to walk and talk and sing
Because of all he's said
The man on the book thinks he is righteous
But the man on the book will fall
A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind
Goodnight, man on the book
I'll see you in hell
You've killed so many souls
Yes, you've served Satan well
He screams into the world
I hear his screams and turn away
Away from the madness and hate
Like the rest are turning or dying
I walk from the man
He doesn't love, this man
Just stands on his book and yells
I'm tired of waiting for coherence
I'm tired of pretending ignorance
I am who I am what I am
And not even the Reaper will change me
A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind
He doesn't pause to consider
Just screams louder with each day
I am deaf to his moronic ideas and pleas
I am the darkness that got away
He is the slayer of innocence
And he loves to kill my hope
A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind
He is the man in the closet
The monster under my bed
I fear to walk and talk and sing
Because of all he's said
The man on the book thinks he is righteous
But the man on the book will fall
A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind
Goodnight, man on the book
I'll see you in hell
You've killed so many souls
Yes, you've served Satan well
Thursday, October 16, 2008
-
And there in the corner
And there in the tree
Blue flowers
I'm ready to go home
Screaming
Let me out
Let me in
I am the shadow among you
Through the valley
I am death
A hundred fields
Million little fingers
Blue flowers
They are ready to go home
Screaming
Let me out
Let me in
I am the voices among you
From the wind
I am death
And there in the tree
Blue flowers
I'm ready to go home
Screaming
Let me out
Let me in
I am the shadow among you
Through the valley
I am death
A hundred fields
Million little fingers
Blue flowers
They are ready to go home
Screaming
Let me out
Let me in
I am the voices among you
From the wind
I am death
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Babble
Work full time, school part time, it's slaying me. I don't ever want to wake up anymore. Do I dream? Sometimes. There's always a tragedy. Last night I dreamt I had wings, pretty wings, and I could fly, but there was this building that was going to be blown up and I had to help save the people in there, the ones who wouldn't leave. There were others who had wings, and they were helping me.
I know I'm dreaming because I can't feel anything from the people around me. IRL I can always feel the people around me. I know that I'm not alone, I'm never alone. But in my dreams, they are cardboard. Puppets.
I wouldn't trade the empathy for anything.
I breathe. Do I breathe? I breathe. Do I breathe?
I sold my soul back to that voice in my head. I haven't been able to write, now that I'm happy. I needed something to help me. Sold my soul, but just for the price of my time, not my blood. It's nice not being the only thing in my head anymore. I missed that.
It's not like Kaida likes to be disturbed.
Was it okay? I miss writing. I've got a plan, though. Spend time in the cemetery and write. I feel like I belong there, it's mine. It's mine.
Got to leave for work in five minutes, haven't done anything to get ready. Sometimes I just don't care. I'm so stressed out, so many things I have to do. It really kills me, being stretched so thin. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so helpless in the face of all that I must do.
Aodhan doesn't feel he has to help.
There in theory, not practice, which doesn't do a hell of a lot for me. Last night he said that I just had to ask and he'd help me with the dishes. A few minutes later, I asked. "Do you need to do that right now? Right this second?" Well, no, I don't need to do anything at all right at any second, I could just sit in the corner and do nothing. But I'm trying not to put shit off anymore.
I did it myself.
He didn't remember, which is fine. I never feel like I'm good enough for him. I confess, I don't feel like he's good enough for me, sometimes. I feel so much older than him, even though he's two years older than me. He's still such a little boy. I know it'll change, but will he still need me, then? Will he change so much he outgrows me?
The thought doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Sex. It's nice having our own place now. Good things happen, if you catch my drift. But...not what I need. I need pain, just pain, not love, sometimes. Just pain and anger and darkness and humiliation. I'm a freak. But I'm going to die without that.
Empty with a touch of whipped cream.
Blah. I talk and talk and whine and whine. I don't have too much to complain about. Just enough that there is something to say.
I sold my soul again. Is it bad that I like it?
I know I'm dreaming because I can't feel anything from the people around me. IRL I can always feel the people around me. I know that I'm not alone, I'm never alone. But in my dreams, they are cardboard. Puppets.
I wouldn't trade the empathy for anything.
I breathe. Do I breathe? I breathe. Do I breathe?
I sold my soul back to that voice in my head. I haven't been able to write, now that I'm happy. I needed something to help me. Sold my soul, but just for the price of my time, not my blood. It's nice not being the only thing in my head anymore. I missed that.
It's not like Kaida likes to be disturbed.
Was it okay? I miss writing. I've got a plan, though. Spend time in the cemetery and write. I feel like I belong there, it's mine. It's mine.
Got to leave for work in five minutes, haven't done anything to get ready. Sometimes I just don't care. I'm so stressed out, so many things I have to do. It really kills me, being stretched so thin. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so helpless in the face of all that I must do.
Aodhan doesn't feel he has to help.
There in theory, not practice, which doesn't do a hell of a lot for me. Last night he said that I just had to ask and he'd help me with the dishes. A few minutes later, I asked. "Do you need to do that right now? Right this second?" Well, no, I don't need to do anything at all right at any second, I could just sit in the corner and do nothing. But I'm trying not to put shit off anymore.
I did it myself.
He didn't remember, which is fine. I never feel like I'm good enough for him. I confess, I don't feel like he's good enough for me, sometimes. I feel so much older than him, even though he's two years older than me. He's still such a little boy. I know it'll change, but will he still need me, then? Will he change so much he outgrows me?
The thought doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
Sex. It's nice having our own place now. Good things happen, if you catch my drift. But...not what I need. I need pain, just pain, not love, sometimes. Just pain and anger and darkness and humiliation. I'm a freak. But I'm going to die without that.
Empty with a touch of whipped cream.
Blah. I talk and talk and whine and whine. I don't have too much to complain about. Just enough that there is something to say.
I sold my soul again. Is it bad that I like it?
Friday, August 22, 2008
Cellworld
Her home became the dirty cell. Days must have passed, but she didn't know when one ended and one began. She used to stay awake all the time, but now she just tried to sleep and never wake to the dirty white walls and concrete floor, the one bare bulb stuck in the ceiling. She stared at the door when she was awake, praying to hear someone coming. It didn't matter who anymore, just someone. Anyone.
Somehow, they always knew when she was asleep. She woke to food beside the door and a clean chamber pot, every few times there was a bucket of water and soap, new clothes. She had tried to fake sleep, but they never came when she did, and she couldn't last long, no more than eight hours anymore. It was wearing on her.
She woke once again to the food and something in her just snapped. She grabbed the bowl and threw it at the wall, screaming wordless rage as the tasteless gruel splattered. Then the tears came.
"I'll kill myself! Give me a reason not to!"
Her sobs echoed off the walls alongside the sound of the metal bowl being beaten against the floor. A minute later it was shaped into a rough point, sharp.
"One reason!"
But her scream when unanswered.
Was this all for her, she wondered. What if she waited one more day? What if tomorrow was the end of this hell? What if...?
What if she died now, she thought also. What if it's just going to keep going on and on without end? Could she take this anymore?
She bent over the bowl, crying hopelessly. What should she do? Her mind felt numb.
What should she do?
Somehow, they always knew when she was asleep. She woke to food beside the door and a clean chamber pot, every few times there was a bucket of water and soap, new clothes. She had tried to fake sleep, but they never came when she did, and she couldn't last long, no more than eight hours anymore. It was wearing on her.
She woke once again to the food and something in her just snapped. She grabbed the bowl and threw it at the wall, screaming wordless rage as the tasteless gruel splattered. Then the tears came.
"I'll kill myself! Give me a reason not to!"
Her sobs echoed off the walls alongside the sound of the metal bowl being beaten against the floor. A minute later it was shaped into a rough point, sharp.
"One reason!"
But her scream when unanswered.
Was this all for her, she wondered. What if she waited one more day? What if tomorrow was the end of this hell? What if...?
What if she died now, she thought also. What if it's just going to keep going on and on without end? Could she take this anymore?
She bent over the bowl, crying hopelessly. What should she do? Her mind felt numb.
What should she do?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
B R E A K R I P S H R E D R E N D
one day i'll be good enough for you
and you'll want me like i want you
i won't have to keep telling myself it's worth it
it'll be worth it
someday
i guess right now i'm just not good enough
or pretty enough
or thin enough
or popular enough
or sweet enough
to make you look at me the way i look at you
it's not like you have to anyway
i'm never leaving
you have me forever
i just wish you'd do something about it
because every time there's the promise and then...
you let it go
my heart breaks a little more in my chest
you put it back together the first time
i suppose it's only right that you rip it apart now
(you may kill only what you create
and you created me from the shattered glass, blood, and ashes
i held out to you)
i just wish i was good enough for you to want to do what i want to do
instead of being the second or third thing you think about
i will make myself good enough
i will
just wait for me a little longer
i know i can be what you want me to be
as long as you don't mind losing my soul
and you'll want me like i want you
i won't have to keep telling myself it's worth it
it'll be worth it
someday
i guess right now i'm just not good enough
or pretty enough
or thin enough
or popular enough
or sweet enough
to make you look at me the way i look at you
it's not like you have to anyway
i'm never leaving
you have me forever
i just wish you'd do something about it
because every time there's the promise and then...
you let it go
my heart breaks a little more in my chest
you put it back together the first time
i suppose it's only right that you rip it apart now
(you may kill only what you create
and you created me from the shattered glass, blood, and ashes
i held out to you)
i just wish i was good enough for you to want to do what i want to do
instead of being the second or third thing you think about
i will make myself good enough
i will
just wait for me a little longer
i know i can be what you want me to be
as long as you don't mind losing my soul
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Death is Everything's Final Limit
In articulo mortis...
Hang your head
Filthy grave robber with a shovel at your back
Lantern light fills your eyes
As you walk into the black
Sing yourself to sleep, my ghoul
Words filling your head like cobwebs in the night
You think you can escape fate
But must merely deal with the demons you invite
Whenever you lay down to rest, remember
Mors ultima linea rerum est
At the moment of death...
Dirt clings to your hands
Your secret hides itself away under your nails
Gold dripping from your pockets
As you vault over the rail
You raise your face to the wind
A skull clutched tightly to your chest
"With strange aeons, even death may die"
Mors ultima linea rerum est
You cannot dig enough graves
Before you fall into yesterday
Nor can you rob enough graves
To keep the devil at bay
In death, all become equal
The sinners lie with the saints
Gold, silver, and gems can never turn away the scythe
So, my ghoul, what is your complaint?
If even death shall die
There's no hope for you to eternal lie
So, my ghoul, when you do rest
Mors ultima linea rerum est
In articulo mortis
My grave robbing ghoul
Never protest
You'll only be the fool
At the moment of death
Remember
You are just as easily snuffed
As the last ember
So, pray, when you lay to rest, for
Mors ultima linea rerum est
Hang your head
Filthy grave robber with a shovel at your back
Lantern light fills your eyes
As you walk into the black
Sing yourself to sleep, my ghoul
Words filling your head like cobwebs in the night
You think you can escape fate
But must merely deal with the demons you invite
Whenever you lay down to rest, remember
Mors ultima linea rerum est
At the moment of death...
Dirt clings to your hands
Your secret hides itself away under your nails
Gold dripping from your pockets
As you vault over the rail
You raise your face to the wind
A skull clutched tightly to your chest
"With strange aeons, even death may die"
Mors ultima linea rerum est
You cannot dig enough graves
Before you fall into yesterday
Nor can you rob enough graves
To keep the devil at bay
In death, all become equal
The sinners lie with the saints
Gold, silver, and gems can never turn away the scythe
So, my ghoul, what is your complaint?
If even death shall die
There's no hope for you to eternal lie
So, my ghoul, when you do rest
Mors ultima linea rerum est
In articulo mortis
My grave robbing ghoul
Never protest
You'll only be the fool
At the moment of death
Remember
You are just as easily snuffed
As the last ember
So, pray, when you lay to rest, for
Mors ultima linea rerum est
Tagged again! Curses
Tagged by Ruela v.v
The so called 'Road Trip meme'
Five cd's to take on the trip:
The Triptych - Demon Hunter
Songs to Burn Your Bridges By - Project 86
Summer of Darkness - Demon Hunter
Tales of the Knife - Lucerin Blue
Phenomenon - Thousand Foot Krutch
Three essential items:
Assuming the transportation, clothing, and hygiene products are already obviously coming, then I'd say
-My writing bag
-A good book
-My Gir blanket, for overnight stuff. It's so soft and fuzzy ^_^ I know, I know, so childish. Bite me.
One outrageous clothing item: I don't think I own anything outrageous lol. Well...I do have a very skimpy pirate costume and some fishnet stockings. I suppose that would, in fact, count as outrageous.
Taggees:
Raghav
Simon
Littl Rebal
The so called 'Road Trip meme'
Five cd's to take on the trip:
The Triptych - Demon Hunter
Songs to Burn Your Bridges By - Project 86
Summer of Darkness - Demon Hunter
Tales of the Knife - Lucerin Blue
Phenomenon - Thousand Foot Krutch
Three essential items:
Assuming the transportation, clothing, and hygiene products are already obviously coming, then I'd say
-My writing bag
-A good book
-My Gir blanket, for overnight stuff. It's so soft and fuzzy ^_^ I know, I know, so childish. Bite me.
One outrageous clothing item: I don't think I own anything outrageous lol. Well...I do have a very skimpy pirate costume and some fishnet stockings. I suppose that would, in fact, count as outrageous.
Taggees:
Raghav
Simon
Littl Rebal
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Blinded by the Dawn
I.
I will give you a chocolate door
Marshmallow handle
Sprinkle mat
All for you, my cupcake
Frosting bed and peanut pillow
So you can dream sweet dreams
Of candy cane death
II.
I fell asleep on the couch
And dreamed of a jester
Living on a ship stuck beneath a waterfall
He lived near the town on the dusty hill
And every day he walked from the ship up the dusty road
Through the forest
Until he reached the plain and the people
And he sang and danced and told jokes and made them smile
And every night he walked from the plain down the dusty road
Back through the forest and to the ship
And when he shut the door on the cabin and stared out the window
Through the flood of water
His smile would fall off
And his eyes would be sad
III.
I am the moonlight
The dappled beams
Flashing on the backs of wolves
Running
Because it is pure joy
Pure harmony
To run together
In the moonlight
IV.
He looked through the spy glass and saw her
Making love with a man not her husband
But from in the distance
She looked through the spy glass
And saw his anguish as his wife defiled herself
Watching the watcher weep
She smiled and turned away
The watcher's watcher, the watcher, and the wife
I will give you a chocolate door
Marshmallow handle
Sprinkle mat
All for you, my cupcake
Frosting bed and peanut pillow
So you can dream sweet dreams
Of candy cane death
II.
I fell asleep on the couch
And dreamed of a jester
Living on a ship stuck beneath a waterfall
He lived near the town on the dusty hill
And every day he walked from the ship up the dusty road
Through the forest
Until he reached the plain and the people
And he sang and danced and told jokes and made them smile
And every night he walked from the plain down the dusty road
Back through the forest and to the ship
And when he shut the door on the cabin and stared out the window
Through the flood of water
His smile would fall off
And his eyes would be sad
III.
I am the moonlight
The dappled beams
Flashing on the backs of wolves
Running
Because it is pure joy
Pure harmony
To run together
In the moonlight
IV.
He looked through the spy glass and saw her
Making love with a man not her husband
But from in the distance
She looked through the spy glass
And saw his anguish as his wife defiled herself
Watching the watcher weep
She smiled and turned away
The watcher's watcher, the watcher, and the wife
Monday, June 09, 2008
^#...#^
Rip out like a bat from hell
She's so quiet now
Like a little china doll
Pretty like being burned alive
Her soul didn't survive
If it was ever there at all
She's so quiet now
Like a little china doll
Pretty like being burned alive
Her soul didn't survive
If it was ever there at all
Friday, June 06, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tagged...*sniff*
These are the rules:
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you…
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged...
Tagged by: Raghav
*I bite the inside of my lips all. The. Time. It makes me look so stupid, but I can't help it
*I always argue about everything, no matter what it is.
*Apparently, I can't write without being angry, sad, depressed, or afraid. Which would explain the lack of stuff on here recently.
*Honestly, I act like nothing is good enough for me. I always have to say it was better some other time, act like it was better. I can't help it, and I don't know why. Seriously, I'm happy now, with just about everything, and I still act like an ungrateful wretch.
*I'm quiet. A lot. It gets on people's nerves, or so I've been told.
*I daydream so much that I miss time lol. I can just sit somewhere and stare at the wall and be completely entertained for like, five hours.
Taggees:
Anonymous
Simon
Ruela
Katie McKenna
ab
Six is the number of Shaytan! lol, jk, i'm just too lazy to find another person i think'll do it
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you…
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged...
Tagged by: Raghav
*I bite the inside of my lips all. The. Time. It makes me look so stupid, but I can't help it
*I always argue about everything, no matter what it is.
*Apparently, I can't write without being angry, sad, depressed, or afraid. Which would explain the lack of stuff on here recently.
*Honestly, I act like nothing is good enough for me. I always have to say it was better some other time, act like it was better. I can't help it, and I don't know why. Seriously, I'm happy now, with just about everything, and I still act like an ungrateful wretch.
*I'm quiet. A lot. It gets on people's nerves, or so I've been told.
*I daydream so much that I miss time lol. I can just sit somewhere and stare at the wall and be completely entertained for like, five hours.
Taggees:
Anonymous
Simon
Ruela
Katie McKenna
ab
Six is the number of Shaytan! lol, jk, i'm just too lazy to find another person i think'll do it
Sunday, May 25, 2008
N I G H T M A R E S
Never seeing the monsters
In the dark
Graceful falls from
Heights
That make your head spin
Miraculous recovery
And we do it again
Repeating for
Eternity then
Stop
In the dark
Graceful falls from
Heights
That make your head spin
Miraculous recovery
And we do it again
Repeating for
Eternity then
Stop
Monday, May 12, 2008
Hardly Fluid
Requiem
My broken china dolls
Failed songs slumbering beside me
Butterfly wings
Familiar faces pass by running
Requiem
My broken china dolls
Failed songs slumbering beside me
Butterfly wings
Familiar faces pass by running
Requiem
Sunday, April 27, 2008
'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman
Fits of virulent apptitude like painted shadows grace the walls. My very own portraits of pretenses, possibilities, panderings, so much wasted time spent quivering and weeping and wailing to let myself escape these sacred rooms. Butterflies float on a passing zephyr, yet the shadows stay the same: unchangeable as Father Time himself. And if it was all leaked away into the great beyond? The great beyond, the original oxymoron. It would just be another statistic, like me, like you, like the man on the street, choking on his cigarettes and committing a slow suicide. Numbers leak the romance out of the world. Poets have been slaughtered by maruading bands of digits, shouting facts and equations into the sky, executing criminals with a swift product and summation. Or would that be quotient and difference?
My hands are broken artifacts, just so much unused clay rotting in the corner. I barely care. Barely. Butterflies, romance, empty stories to convince myself to not let go just yet, maybe tomorrow will have something good. Something excellent, something positively to die for. I know what death is. My soul shies away from the truth, but I still want it. Should I bring it closer with one stroke? One stroke or two, like that cartoon. Me, I howl into the empty rooms I haunt, already aware that there will be only my echo to answer my anguish.
I am running out of time. Time is so precious, Father, so beautiful, like liquid, and the older I get, the more it falls from my grasp, trailing through my fingers as months flow by the same way seconds used to when I was a child. What a childish fancy, making time seem to be something other than what it is. And what is it, Father? My footsteps in the sand, a trail leading behind me into the fog, the flesh eating fog, and I can't help myself. I try to stop walking, I try to ease the burdens I have strung to my back. Father, why did you leave me with hands so small that time could only run faster and faster away into the ocean instead of pooling at my feet? But no one listens, and the walls close in again.
No one ever listens.
I can feel the crystal goblets shattering on the floor. My feet bleed as I walk over them. I must destroy these sacred rooms. I must, for the pounding in my head is at it's worst and the walls are still golden...
Father, have you repented?
Bullshit.
Fancy words and stories won't fucking save you, little girl. Fancy words and stories will send you to hell. Hell and heaven and earth and fire. Wind and air and mercy and desire. Is desire just as cold as ice? Lust isn't hot, it's freezing, and the golden walls are silver with frost. This must be lust.
Blatant denial, Father. I am your little angel, a little angel with broken wings who lifts her hands to ward off
FUCKING EVERYTHING
I wish you'd just hit me instead. Good fathers know how to make their little girls dead. I'm trapped by your lies and my fear and it's sweet, knowing you don't even care. I'll never tell you and you don't know.
Guess that's the way it snows in hell. I know that these sacred rooms keep me safe from you.
Goodnight, Father
My hands are broken artifacts, just so much unused clay rotting in the corner. I barely care. Barely. Butterflies, romance, empty stories to convince myself to not let go just yet, maybe tomorrow will have something good. Something excellent, something positively to die for. I know what death is. My soul shies away from the truth, but I still want it. Should I bring it closer with one stroke? One stroke or two, like that cartoon. Me, I howl into the empty rooms I haunt, already aware that there will be only my echo to answer my anguish.
I am running out of time. Time is so precious, Father, so beautiful, like liquid, and the older I get, the more it falls from my grasp, trailing through my fingers as months flow by the same way seconds used to when I was a child. What a childish fancy, making time seem to be something other than what it is. And what is it, Father? My footsteps in the sand, a trail leading behind me into the fog, the flesh eating fog, and I can't help myself. I try to stop walking, I try to ease the burdens I have strung to my back. Father, why did you leave me with hands so small that time could only run faster and faster away into the ocean instead of pooling at my feet? But no one listens, and the walls close in again.
No one ever listens.
I can feel the crystal goblets shattering on the floor. My feet bleed as I walk over them. I must destroy these sacred rooms. I must, for the pounding in my head is at it's worst and the walls are still golden...
Father, have you repented?
Bullshit.
Fancy words and stories won't fucking save you, little girl. Fancy words and stories will send you to hell. Hell and heaven and earth and fire. Wind and air and mercy and desire. Is desire just as cold as ice? Lust isn't hot, it's freezing, and the golden walls are silver with frost. This must be lust.
Blatant denial, Father. I am your little angel, a little angel with broken wings who lifts her hands to ward off
FUCKING EVERYTHING
I wish you'd just hit me instead. Good fathers know how to make their little girls dead. I'm trapped by your lies and my fear and it's sweet, knowing you don't even care. I'll never tell you and you don't know.
Guess that's the way it snows in hell. I know that these sacred rooms keep me safe from you.
Goodnight, Father
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The Restaurant at the End of the World
We come to be for a little while
Leave a small dent in time
Some scratch the table
Some clean it to a shine
We are only known
For what we leave behind
A half eaten roll
Melon
Wine
And when we're gone
We'll be remembered for a little while
Until the waitress comes
And cleans our memory away
Leave a small dent in time
Some scratch the table
Some clean it to a shine
We are only known
For what we leave behind
A half eaten roll
Melon
Wine
And when we're gone
We'll be remembered for a little while
Until the waitress comes
And cleans our memory away
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Kiss
Weeping in the night
It's the sound of hearts being
Drawn
On paper
Bloody little clumps of
Waste
They'll know you by the look on your
Soul
Broken little
Child
We're just one more heart on the paper
Like everyone else
Hoping the sun remembers how to
Rise
Tomorrow
It's the sound of hearts being
Drawn
On paper
Bloody little clumps of
Waste
They'll know you by the look on your
Soul
Broken little
Child
We're just one more heart on the paper
Like everyone else
Hoping the sun remembers how to
Rise
Tomorrow
Monday, February 04, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Babble Babble...
I draw your portrait
“Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party”
I’m just your fucking average outcast
Fucking average shadow
The corners come alive around me
Do you hear me yet?
“Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party”
This sucks!
Why should I take the fall
You’re the loser who stuck me here
“I hear a sound of a heart from the shadow in the dark”
No more mercy
No more sleepless nights contemplating your fall
We’ll die together in one last blaze of glory
“I see the darkness surround the shape on the ground”
I can’t express what you mean to me
Imagine every country blazing in arson
That’s what I have for you
That sick feeling you get when you know the punch is coming
The body in the backyard is your missing brother
The whisper you hear at night is real
I’m that fucking whisper
Somewhere in the corner of your mind you know it’s coming
From way out against the sun
Shooting sparks like fireworks in the night
Loud and shocking
The boom resonating in your chest
I resonate with a power all my own
You don’t see it coming
No one sees it coming
One last warning for anyone who will listen
I EXPLODE AGAINST THE NIGHT
This creature of darkness knows the light too well
I explode
I DESTROY
I am the fucking nightmare you can’t remember
Those eyes outside the window
You’ve seen me in every knife’s reflection
The sharp sheen that tempts you to let go
I tempt your weak mind
Professions of religion don’t lessen the impact
Those who truly believe have already seen the end
Who fears death that believes in truth they will never die?
Just wait for the end
HERE IT COMES
“Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party”
I’m just your fucking average outcast
Fucking average shadow
The corners come alive around me
Do you hear me yet?
“Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party”
This sucks!
Why should I take the fall
You’re the loser who stuck me here
“I hear a sound of a heart from the shadow in the dark”
No more mercy
No more sleepless nights contemplating your fall
We’ll die together in one last blaze of glory
“I see the darkness surround the shape on the ground”
I can’t express what you mean to me
Imagine every country blazing in arson
That’s what I have for you
That sick feeling you get when you know the punch is coming
The body in the backyard is your missing brother
The whisper you hear at night is real
I’m that fucking whisper
Somewhere in the corner of your mind you know it’s coming
From way out against the sun
Shooting sparks like fireworks in the night
Loud and shocking
The boom resonating in your chest
I resonate with a power all my own
You don’t see it coming
No one sees it coming
One last warning for anyone who will listen
I EXPLODE AGAINST THE NIGHT
This creature of darkness knows the light too well
I explode
I DESTROY
I am the fucking nightmare you can’t remember
Those eyes outside the window
You’ve seen me in every knife’s reflection
The sharp sheen that tempts you to let go
I tempt your weak mind
Professions of religion don’t lessen the impact
Those who truly believe have already seen the end
Who fears death that believes in truth they will never die?
Just wait for the end
HERE IT COMES
Saturday, January 26, 2008
T R A S H
I walk outside
And breathe the scent of the night.
When the demons call me,
Why should I fight?
I'm just a shadow,
Do I really know what's right?
Just a shadow
In the wind of the night
It's hard to move on;
The past has taken it's toll.
Should I always remember
'Til my memory's full?
Or just let it all fade
'Til it's just a dark hole?
The future loses promise
To the past's toll
It's the middle of the night;
I grip my pencil.
My thoughts are like so much trash
Still I trace their stencil.
It's a heavy burden to bear
That I've yet to reconcile.
It's too fucking late,
But I grip my pencil
And breathe the scent of the night.
When the demons call me,
Why should I fight?
I'm just a shadow,
Do I really know what's right?
Just a shadow
In the wind of the night
It's hard to move on;
The past has taken it's toll.
Should I always remember
'Til my memory's full?
Or just let it all fade
'Til it's just a dark hole?
The future loses promise
To the past's toll
It's the middle of the night;
I grip my pencil.
My thoughts are like so much trash
Still I trace their stencil.
It's a heavy burden to bear
That I've yet to reconcile.
It's too fucking late,
But I grip my pencil
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Back in the Beginning
I'd forgotten how beautiful I am in the darkness. How could I forget? How could I let slip something so freeing? I walked outside tonight into the darkness and wind. It caressed me. Touched what hurt. I miss belonging to that. The wind in the darkness.
All you can see of me is my silhouette, an hourglass figure in a long skirt with long hair blowing wildly every which way. I'm just a dream.
Is that what I'm supposed to take away from this life? That you can dream beautifully but no matter how wonderful it is, you have to wake up sometime? I don't want to be so jaded. The world has other ideas. I dream and wake and find that dreams are a cold comfort in the end. Is that all life is? Periods of dreaming and wakefulness? Does anyone else ever see what I do?
When I finally fall back asleep into my current fantasy, will it be as wonderful? Or will the pain of realization have stolen all the golden beauty away from me?
I can't believe I forgot how beautiful I am in the darkness. I am graceful and intelligent. Unlike the pale child the light reveals me to be, cowering in a corner, hoping my scars aren't as evident as they feel. The light blinds me and I forget things. I forget how to speak and walk and live. Until the darkness cradles me again. Then I walk with confidence and speak with assurance. I am the embodiment of grace and beauty in darkness.
How could I have forgotten something so wonderful?
All you can see of me is my silhouette, an hourglass figure in a long skirt with long hair blowing wildly every which way. I'm just a dream.
Is that what I'm supposed to take away from this life? That you can dream beautifully but no matter how wonderful it is, you have to wake up sometime? I don't want to be so jaded. The world has other ideas. I dream and wake and find that dreams are a cold comfort in the end. Is that all life is? Periods of dreaming and wakefulness? Does anyone else ever see what I do?
When I finally fall back asleep into my current fantasy, will it be as wonderful? Or will the pain of realization have stolen all the golden beauty away from me?
I can't believe I forgot how beautiful I am in the darkness. I am graceful and intelligent. Unlike the pale child the light reveals me to be, cowering in a corner, hoping my scars aren't as evident as they feel. The light blinds me and I forget things. I forget how to speak and walk and live. Until the darkness cradles me again. Then I walk with confidence and speak with assurance. I am the embodiment of grace and beauty in darkness.
How could I have forgotten something so wonderful?
Friday, January 04, 2008
Popcorn Fetish
What should I say to make you believe
I'm the lie I told you
I describe myself and you eat every sentence
Like it's pure golden truth
Every time you come near I uncap the jar with my lies
My sweet alibies
My salty excuses
My sour refuses
I don't want to talk about me
Let's talk about you
Are you who you're trying to be?
Are you the pretty reflection in the mirror
Or the meat beneath the orange rind?
I WANT YOU TO PULL OUT YOUR SECRETS!
Stop standing with your hands behind your back
Let me see what you're holding
I want the pith you hide under your pillow at night
The little notes in the margins of your books
I know you have them
I have them
Stop pretending you're the angel on the top of the tree
I'm not below you, I'm not part of the whole
I'm at the window looking in
I see your smirking eyes like two bullets on the bedspread
I'LL GET YOUR SECRETS!
I take a moment to huddle against the wall
What I wouldn't give for a glass of ginger ale
The kind you can't breath around or you'll choke
I want to bury my face in it and remind myself of you
Just you
When I look up I know you'll be yelling for whatever else you can take
And I'll get it for you
Just to make you shut up a moment longer
I don't care if I do it wrong
That's your fault for not taking the time to show me
Next time, when you grow up, you'll do better
Or you'll be gone
I take my hands out from behind my back and study my secrets
Nothing you'll ever see
I keep my velvet box behind my heart
Every dirty little deed I ever did glistens like emeralds
I hold them close
Let the pain of error wash over me
Then let the delicious ones feast on what's left of my morals
Handcuffs squeeze my wrists until my hands turn blue
But I like it
You'll never know that
And I don't want you to
My mind wanders
Anything to get away from you for a while
We have tatoos in common
You have some, I want some
But you know what you want with the pin pricks
I can't decide
So I pull out the list of things I like
Handcuff myself to the sink and wash every dish you bring me
You say something but I don't bother rewinding to see what it was
I want wings
I've always wanted wings
Another thing I know you'll never learn
I'm disjointed
Stilted
I want your secrets laid out on the counter
I want to sort them
Lay them out and wash them and take another look
Maybe hold them up to the window and let the light shine through
I WANT YOUR SECRETS!
I bow from the weight of my secrets
My box barely shuts, even with all my heart on top of it
Does that say more about my secrets
Or how little heart I have left?
I'm not even ashamed of some
I finish the dishes but keep the handcuffs
It gives me something to look forward to later
The promise of pain shivers down my back and through my breasts
A secret I would gladly proclaim if I could
I have no shame about it
Suddenly sensitive to my too-tight bra, I readjust
I promise myself as much pain as I can take
Maybe more if I'm good
I'll be good
I huddle in the blind spot between cameras
A secret springs out of the box and I fail to catch it
I like to feel used
Dirty
Like a twenty dollar whore
But keep your money
My bra is too tight again and it rubs against my nipples
My secrets want out, but I finally get my hands behind my back again
Paste on my best normal face
The only thing left from the secret is a lingering tingle
I know it'll fade
I'm the lie I told you
I describe myself and you eat every sentence
Like it's pure golden truth
Every time you come near I uncap the jar with my lies
My sweet alibies
My salty excuses
My sour refuses
I don't want to talk about me
Let's talk about you
Are you who you're trying to be?
Are you the pretty reflection in the mirror
Or the meat beneath the orange rind?
I WANT YOU TO PULL OUT YOUR SECRETS!
Stop standing with your hands behind your back
Let me see what you're holding
I want the pith you hide under your pillow at night
The little notes in the margins of your books
I know you have them
I have them
Stop pretending you're the angel on the top of the tree
I'm not below you, I'm not part of the whole
I'm at the window looking in
I see your smirking eyes like two bullets on the bedspread
I'LL GET YOUR SECRETS!
I take a moment to huddle against the wall
What I wouldn't give for a glass of ginger ale
The kind you can't breath around or you'll choke
I want to bury my face in it and remind myself of you
Just you
When I look up I know you'll be yelling for whatever else you can take
And I'll get it for you
Just to make you shut up a moment longer
I don't care if I do it wrong
That's your fault for not taking the time to show me
Next time, when you grow up, you'll do better
Or you'll be gone
I take my hands out from behind my back and study my secrets
Nothing you'll ever see
I keep my velvet box behind my heart
Every dirty little deed I ever did glistens like emeralds
I hold them close
Let the pain of error wash over me
Then let the delicious ones feast on what's left of my morals
Handcuffs squeeze my wrists until my hands turn blue
But I like it
You'll never know that
And I don't want you to
My mind wanders
Anything to get away from you for a while
We have tatoos in common
You have some, I want some
But you know what you want with the pin pricks
I can't decide
So I pull out the list of things I like
Handcuff myself to the sink and wash every dish you bring me
You say something but I don't bother rewinding to see what it was
I want wings
I've always wanted wings
Another thing I know you'll never learn
I'm disjointed
Stilted
I want your secrets laid out on the counter
I want to sort them
Lay them out and wash them and take another look
Maybe hold them up to the window and let the light shine through
I WANT YOUR SECRETS!
I bow from the weight of my secrets
My box barely shuts, even with all my heart on top of it
Does that say more about my secrets
Or how little heart I have left?
I'm not even ashamed of some
I finish the dishes but keep the handcuffs
It gives me something to look forward to later
The promise of pain shivers down my back and through my breasts
A secret I would gladly proclaim if I could
I have no shame about it
Suddenly sensitive to my too-tight bra, I readjust
I promise myself as much pain as I can take
Maybe more if I'm good
I'll be good
I huddle in the blind spot between cameras
A secret springs out of the box and I fail to catch it
I like to feel used
Dirty
Like a twenty dollar whore
But keep your money
My bra is too tight again and it rubs against my nipples
My secrets want out, but I finally get my hands behind my back again
Paste on my best normal face
The only thing left from the secret is a lingering tingle
I know it'll fade
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Violent Passing
Out of my mouth spews the child of doubt
A bloody mass of myself
I perish
Tomorrow is my doorstep
I am the mat
Just becuase we rage doesn't mean you can kill us
Let us rage
The child stirs and looks at me through hollow eyes
Empty gaping maws
'I am your nightmares'
Out of my mouth spews my treason
My own golden treason
Bloody gashes on my arms
They aren't who I am anymore
Except when I dream
I DON'T DREAM
I dream of nothing
Out of my own mouth is death's caricature
I spew the poison on the ground
Guess tomorrow is just the same
A bloody mass of myself
I perish
Tomorrow is my doorstep
I am the mat
Just becuase we rage doesn't mean you can kill us
Let us rage
The child stirs and looks at me through hollow eyes
Empty gaping maws
'I am your nightmares'
Out of my mouth spews my treason
My own golden treason
Bloody gashes on my arms
They aren't who I am anymore
Except when I dream
I DON'T DREAM
I dream of nothing
Out of my own mouth is death's caricature
I spew the poison on the ground
Guess tomorrow is just the same
Saturday, December 08, 2007
No More Blood
I won't let you guide my hands
I won't let you guide the blade down again
I don't want to live like that
Just because you want me to
Doesn't mean I want it too
Just let me be
Even when I scream your name
Just go away
You can't save me
I don't want you to save me
I don't want to be saved
Not your way
I won't think about you anymore
Even when your name echoes in my head
I'd rather die
Don't try to save me
Let our memories fade away
Tomorrow is mine
You can stay in yesterday
I won't let you guide the blade down again
I don't want to live like that
Just because you want me to
Doesn't mean I want it too
Just let me be
Even when I scream your name
Just go away
You can't save me
I don't want you to save me
I don't want to be saved
Not your way
I won't think about you anymore
Even when your name echoes in my head
I'd rather die
Don't try to save me
Let our memories fade away
Tomorrow is mine
You can stay in yesterday
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Thinking of You
Against my better judgement
I find my thoughts on you
And when I guide them back to the present
My heart aches
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
A rap at the door
"Come in, do come in, it's so terribly cold today."
"Thankee, thankee kind miss, are your parents at home?"
"Why, no sir, they are out at market."
"What are they doing at the market, young miss?"
"Buying bread to lay on the table, sir."
"And who shall eat this bread?"
"Why, my parents and I, sir, for my brother is dead."
"Dead and gone, dead and gone, a pity."
"Pity, sir?"
"A pity you have no one here with you."
"Oh, I'm not alone sir, for I have a cat to keep me company."
"A cat is no companion for a little girl."
"But she is the witch's cat, sir."
"The witch's cat! Dear me, what does she say to you?"
"That you'd be coming today, sir."
"Really?"
"Yes, sir. That's why I have tea ready, sir. Just for you."
"How kind. But I must not stay long. Are you ready to be off?"
"Of course not, sir, my parents are expecting me to be here tonight."
"But they expect nothing, young miss."
"Then, sir, where are we to go?"
"To the mountains of darkness, and by all means, bring the cat."
"But she is not ready to go, sir."
"Then we shall travel alone on the road to Hell."
"Thankee, thankee kind miss, are your parents at home?"
"Why, no sir, they are out at market."
"What are they doing at the market, young miss?"
"Buying bread to lay on the table, sir."
"And who shall eat this bread?"
"Why, my parents and I, sir, for my brother is dead."
"Dead and gone, dead and gone, a pity."
"Pity, sir?"
"A pity you have no one here with you."
"Oh, I'm not alone sir, for I have a cat to keep me company."
"A cat is no companion for a little girl."
"But she is the witch's cat, sir."
"The witch's cat! Dear me, what does she say to you?"
"That you'd be coming today, sir."
"Really?"
"Yes, sir. That's why I have tea ready, sir. Just for you."
"How kind. But I must not stay long. Are you ready to be off?"
"Of course not, sir, my parents are expecting me to be here tonight."
"But they expect nothing, young miss."
"Then, sir, where are we to go?"
"To the mountains of darkness, and by all means, bring the cat."
"But she is not ready to go, sir."
"Then we shall travel alone on the road to Hell."
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Burn My Heart to Ash
Just a million miles more to the moon
To the-
Ocean swells at my feet.
And hope is my pillow
While I sail into the sunrise
Into the-
Window that I stare out.
It's raining again...
Hope is my umbrella,
Spread itself over my head
But I look up
And it's a million miles more to the moon
To the-
Salty breeze that steals away my dreams
Under the cover of darkness.
Just remember to hope
With all that you have in your chest
There is so much-
So little time
To dream
To the-
Ocean swells at my feet.
And hope is my pillow
While I sail into the sunrise
Into the-
Window that I stare out.
It's raining again...
Hope is my umbrella,
Spread itself over my head
But I look up
And it's a million miles more to the moon
To the-
Salty breeze that steals away my dreams
Under the cover of darkness.
Just remember to hope
With all that you have in your chest
There is so much-
So little time
To dream
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
My Cup is Empty
Lie against the night, against the trash I sleep in
Just one more drink and I'm gone
You don't give me a second thought
(Styrofoam dreams guide me to rest)
But when they lay me in the ground
I will not rot or crumble
And you'll hate me years from now
When, in all my glory, you'll dig me up and heave me to space
And I will not rot or crumble
A reminder of all your sins
And fights
And humanity
I am your nightmares
And I do not rot or crumble
(Styrofoam dreams to guide you home)
Just one more drink and I'm gone
You don't give me a second thought
(Styrofoam dreams guide me to rest)
But when they lay me in the ground
I will not rot or crumble
And you'll hate me years from now
When, in all my glory, you'll dig me up and heave me to space
And I will not rot or crumble
A reminder of all your sins
And fights
And humanity
I am your nightmares
And I do not rot or crumble
(Styrofoam dreams to guide you home)
Friday, November 09, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Hallowe'en
Visit this site: The Daily Sporkful
It's all about reviews of music and movies and books by two girls with an interesting outlook. I recommend it for a few good laughs ^_^
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
H A T E M E
I held a handful of glass shardsI held a handful of thorns
I held a handful of my heart
And then I tore myself apart
Because when the sun comes up tomorrow
I no longer want to cry
Just breathe
Friday, October 26, 2007
Blow Me Down, Devil, Hell Has No Hope
So I stopped and walked to the edge of the world
And looked down
Forever was never going to be long enough
Exploring the way to Hell
I took my map from a pocket
I got it from the Moon and the Moon never lies
The last thing she told me:
Rage against the-
Desire to live and desire to lie
Rage against the-
Rage against the-
Don't speak to the demons
Until you reach the last level
Today is the day you enter the gates of Hell
The gates of Hell and Heaven's clouds
Dead are wrapped in burial shrouds
My tomb lies over the ocean until I can't sleep for the waves
To live forever is the cruelest fate
Tomorrow will never come unless you read the signs
Sometimes you have to pretend
Tell them you're not blind
I read my map and choose a path
And I wish I could say I know what I'm doing
(She's fading fast)
I wish I could say I ever know what I'm doing
(She'll never last)
I look to the Moon and she just sighs
(Angels face down in the water tonight)
Don't speak to the demons until you see their eyes
Wings brushing against your thighs
The children refuse to drink the blood
Tomorrow will never come
You can't wish this map away
You can't run far enough to fade
You can't scream loud enough to not know
You have to choose which way to go
I look to the Moon because she never lies
Rage against the-
Rage against the night
And looked down
Forever was never going to be long enough
Exploring the way to Hell
I took my map from a pocket
I got it from the Moon and the Moon never lies
The last thing she told me:
Rage against the-
Desire to live and desire to lie
Rage against the-
Rage against the-
Don't speak to the demons
Until you reach the last level
Today is the day you enter the gates of Hell
The gates of Hell and Heaven's clouds
Dead are wrapped in burial shrouds
My tomb lies over the ocean until I can't sleep for the waves
To live forever is the cruelest fate
Tomorrow will never come unless you read the signs
Sometimes you have to pretend
Tell them you're not blind
I read my map and choose a path
And I wish I could say I know what I'm doing
(She's fading fast)
I wish I could say I ever know what I'm doing
(She'll never last)
I look to the Moon and she just sighs
(Angels face down in the water tonight)
Don't speak to the demons until you see their eyes
Wings brushing against your thighs
The children refuse to drink the blood
Tomorrow will never come
You can't wish this map away
You can't run far enough to fade
You can't scream loud enough to not know
You have to choose which way to go
I look to the Moon because she never lies
Rage against the-
Rage against the night
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Blow Me Down, Devil
This town is so hick, they think java script is words written with coffee.
Sometimes the sky snows
Sometimes the rain falls
Sometimes the wind blows
Listen to the angels...
a verse from a song i'm working on
Sometimes the sky snows
Sometimes the rain falls
Sometimes the wind blows
Listen to the angels...
a verse from a song i'm working on
Monday, October 08, 2007
Thy Heart
I fell empty upon your doorstep
And touched my face to the ground
I begged thee for mercy and compassion
But was silenced...
...by your sword coming down
And touched my face to the ground
I begged thee for mercy and compassion
But was silenced...
...by your sword coming down
Friday, October 05, 2007
She Cried in the Dark
Then I died
With an organ playing at my side
Holding up the moon in shaking hands
I can’t tear myself from your cold embrace
What other place do I have?
Love is the cruelest mistress
And I fell for your brittle charms
As the organ plays at my side
Today is the day we die
Tomorrow was never promised to the damned
And you never want to hold my hand
Holding up the moon to watch it fall
Sometimes I think you love me
Sometimes I think I make-believe it all
There’s a million angels in heaven tonight
Despite the call of hell
And the bells
And the smell of sulphur burning my eyes
When will the organ stop
And let me rest in my demise?
Tomorrow was never promised to the condemned
When we hold up the moon to cover the stars
Emptiness claws at my consciousness
My broken little heart has never been more warm
And I thank you for the moon
And the stars
And the sky
Even though I think you lied
Just to watch me buried with an organ playing at my side
With an organ playing at my side
Holding up the moon in shaking hands
I can’t tear myself from your cold embrace
What other place do I have?
Love is the cruelest mistress
And I fell for your brittle charms
As the organ plays at my side
Today is the day we die
Tomorrow was never promised to the damned
And you never want to hold my hand
Holding up the moon to watch it fall
Sometimes I think you love me
Sometimes I think I make-believe it all
There’s a million angels in heaven tonight
Despite the call of hell
And the bells
And the smell of sulphur burning my eyes
When will the organ stop
And let me rest in my demise?
Tomorrow was never promised to the condemned
When we hold up the moon to cover the stars
Emptiness claws at my consciousness
My broken little heart has never been more warm
And I thank you for the moon
And the stars
And the sky
Even though I think you lied
Just to watch me buried with an organ playing at my side
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
LET ME SLEEP
I just have to get my mind off the past
Off the present
Off the future
Then I'll be okay
When I don't think anymore
When I don't feel anymore
When I can't remember why I hated myself
Death is beautiful no matter how you dance
And dancing is graceless
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless
Faithless?
I'm faithless
Hopeless
Heartless
Without the shadow of the doubt
I am the darkness behind your eyes
All your naughty little lies
The knife in every back you stabbed
The voice that makes the demands
Blood is such a horrid colour
And dancing is graceless
Death is dancing in the moon
In the night
Under the sky
With a million outcast thoughts to haunt your eyes
When will my mind settle down and let me sleep?
I just want to be laid to rest
Get all these agonies off my chest
Stop pressing my heart to a dead line
I feel fine
I promise
Off the present
Off the future
Then I'll be okay
When I don't think anymore
When I don't feel anymore
When I can't remember why I hated myself
Death is beautiful no matter how you dance
And dancing is graceless
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless
Faithless?
I'm faithless
Hopeless
Heartless
Without the shadow of the doubt
I am the darkness behind your eyes
All your naughty little lies
The knife in every back you stabbed
The voice that makes the demands
Blood is such a horrid colour
And dancing is graceless
Death is dancing in the moon
In the night
Under the sky
With a million outcast thoughts to haunt your eyes
When will my mind settle down and let me sleep?
I just want to be laid to rest
Get all these agonies off my chest
Stop pressing my heart to a dead line
I feel fine
I promise
Thursday, September 27, 2007
v^v
If I killed myself tonight
Would you cry with eyes that hate the loss
Or with eyes that see they must
Mourn the passing of who I was
Would you remember me in joy or hate?
If I stained your carpet red and black
And promised to never come back
Would the tears be for me or you?
Would you be sad?
Would you be glad?
Is what we had over and gone
Am I blindly holding on
To something that doesn't exist anymore?
What do I have left but you
Is even that untrue?
Am I just a delusional little girl?
I doesn't matter if we don't last
It doesn't matter if you want to forget the past
I had something beautiful
And I can't mourn that
Unless you rip my heart away again
Again
Again
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But a shriek to the wind
Hoping I never come back again
I'll dream of you tonight
When I lie on your floor and pour out my soul
Just so you know
I always loved you
Would you cry with eyes that hate the loss
Or with eyes that see they must
Mourn the passing of who I was
Would you remember me in joy or hate?
If I stained your carpet red and black
And promised to never come back
Would the tears be for me or you?
Would you be sad?
Would you be glad?
Is what we had over and gone
Am I blindly holding on
To something that doesn't exist anymore?
What do I have left but you
Is even that untrue?
Am I just a delusional little girl?
I doesn't matter if we don't last
It doesn't matter if you want to forget the past
I had something beautiful
And I can't mourn that
Unless you rip my heart away again
Again
Again
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang
But a shriek to the wind
Hoping I never come back again
I'll dream of you tonight
When I lie on your floor and pour out my soul
Just so you know
I always loved you
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
"This is what Death sounds like"
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS
Not with a bang but a whimper
~Stolen from Gizmachi and T.S. Eliot. In that order
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS
Not with a bang but a whimper
~Stolen from Gizmachi and T.S. Eliot. In that order
And when I dream...
Will you follow me into the dark?
Pass by the evening
The stars have never been so brilliant
Nor your eyes so stark
A million miles to travel
With a lonely pack at my side
Taking my empty heart, I start
As the road unravels long and wide
The dawn whisks away the fleeting
Too long have I gone alone
If I promise to be quiet
Will you lead me home?
Somtimes my heart is heavy
And I see the scars and marks
I only have one question left:
Will you follow me into the dark?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Commemoration?
AND IN OUR ARROGANCE WE BURNED
PRETENDING WE WERE NOT BEING PUNISHED
LET US BURN
LET US FALL
UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD IS LIT UP
WITH OUR VOICES
All gave some
Some gave all
Friday, September 07, 2007
Rain of Dirt
Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today in memory of the dawn
And mourn the passing of the sun,
Notwithstanding the unforgiven tides of humanity
Lay him down among his sanity.
Necessarily with words and music raised
This road unpaved.
Now we lay us down to death
And pray all fear has from us fled.
Close the Bible, drop the rose,
Untitled harmonies in shades of gold,
Now we lay us-
Now we lay us-
Dearly beloved,
Rise with me to sing the songs
In melody slow and octaves strong.
Raise your hands and drop your eyes
To the grave, to the one inside.
Look up from hell and hold my hand
Take your blame and understand.
Close the Bible, grip the rose,
Hold it up, the bloom re-grows.
Dearly departed,
Now we’ve laid us down to death,
Hold my hand and hold your breath…
We are gathered here today in memory of the dawn
And mourn the passing of the sun,
Notwithstanding the unforgiven tides of humanity
Lay him down among his sanity.
Necessarily with words and music raised
This road unpaved.
Now we lay us down to death
And pray all fear has from us fled.
Close the Bible, drop the rose,
Untitled harmonies in shades of gold,
Now we lay us-
Now we lay us-
Dearly beloved,
Rise with me to sing the songs
In melody slow and octaves strong.
Raise your hands and drop your eyes
To the grave, to the one inside.
Look up from hell and hold my hand
Take your blame and understand.
Close the Bible, grip the rose,
Hold it up, the bloom re-grows.
Dearly departed,
Now we’ve laid us down to death,
Hold my hand and hold your breath…
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Goodbye, Fichewl
And with all the lights you shot into the dark
I never thought your soul would be so stark
I stand back against this cold wall
And watch your destruction, your downfall
With hands held to my chest
I wait and wait for your dying breath
All you wished on him I wish on you
Vengance is this bright hate I hold for you
Friends come and go, now you're gone too
I held such respect for the projection you showed me
But I find now you're just rotten underneath
I wish we could part with the broken sword of friends
But with what you said, I'm glad THIS is the way the world ends
Not with whispered words of peace and hope
But with your lies around your throat
I kneel against the wall and begin to pray
"Vengeance is mine; I will repay..."
Romans 12:19 gently cradles my bleeding soul
God has more wrath than what you know...
I never thought your soul would be so stark
I stand back against this cold wall
And watch your destruction, your downfall
With hands held to my chest
I wait and wait for your dying breath
All you wished on him I wish on you
Vengance is this bright hate I hold for you
Friends come and go, now you're gone too
I held such respect for the projection you showed me
But I find now you're just rotten underneath
I wish we could part with the broken sword of friends
But with what you said, I'm glad THIS is the way the world ends
Not with whispered words of peace and hope
But with your lies around your throat
I kneel against the wall and begin to pray
"Vengeance is mine; I will repay..."
Romans 12:19 gently cradles my bleeding soul
God has more wrath than what you know...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Bemused Outrage
So...about Andrew Feldmar
His article
What happened
Outrage
And for those of you who don't want to read all that: Adrew Feldmar experimented with LSD and other substances in Canada 30 years ago, "I was 27 years old, thought of myself as a rational scientist, and had no experience with delirium, hallucination, or altered mind states. I was curious." (his article) Now, he's not allowed into the US of A anymore, even though he's passed across the border numerous times before. He worked in America and his children live there. To be allowed back into the states, he'd have to sign a waiver, which would cost a considerable amount ($3500) and make him say that he had been rehabilitated, even though he was never addicted in the first place, and it happened 3 decades ago. (to get the full feeling of rage, you'd have to read those articles)
I'm beginning to think about moving out of the country. This is deplorable! America is no longer the land of freedom it once was. I'm fairly ashamed to live here. Every day it just keeps getting worse, how America is slighting other countries and/or foreign citizens. Something has to break. America has gotten too powerful for her own good. She seems to stand for freedom and yet...there's so many ways that we feel just like prisoners.
Be careful what you say.
Be careful what you do.
Big Brother's watching you
Here's irony for you: the old George H W Bush basically admitted to using marijauna, and his son is rumoured to have used cocaine in conjunction with a drinking problem. Clinton is more than rumoured to have done many different drugs, although the testimonies are not as trustworthy as possible. But the point is, these men were presidents. The leaders of the country that is now turning away a man for using drugs three decades ago. What the hell?
Here's an article on another blog that I really like.
And one on yet another blog.
Yes, I'm late on this, but when it came to my attention finally, I couldn't help but post about it. I'm tempted to start an all news blog just for crap like this. It's great. Amazing. Damn. What the hell is wrong with America?
His article
What happened
Outrage
And for those of you who don't want to read all that: Adrew Feldmar experimented with LSD and other substances in Canada 30 years ago, "I was 27 years old, thought of myself as a rational scientist, and had no experience with delirium, hallucination, or altered mind states. I was curious." (his article) Now, he's not allowed into the US of A anymore, even though he's passed across the border numerous times before. He worked in America and his children live there. To be allowed back into the states, he'd have to sign a waiver, which would cost a considerable amount ($3500) and make him say that he had been rehabilitated, even though he was never addicted in the first place, and it happened 3 decades ago. (to get the full feeling of rage, you'd have to read those articles)
I'm beginning to think about moving out of the country. This is deplorable! America is no longer the land of freedom it once was. I'm fairly ashamed to live here. Every day it just keeps getting worse, how America is slighting other countries and/or foreign citizens. Something has to break. America has gotten too powerful for her own good. She seems to stand for freedom and yet...there's so many ways that we feel just like prisoners.
Be careful what you say.
Be careful what you do.
Big Brother's watching you
Here's irony for you: the old George H W Bush basically admitted to using marijauna, and his son is rumoured to have used cocaine in conjunction with a drinking problem. Clinton is more than rumoured to have done many different drugs, although the testimonies are not as trustworthy as possible. But the point is, these men were presidents. The leaders of the country that is now turning away a man for using drugs three decades ago. What the hell?
Here's an article on another blog that I really like.
And one on yet another blog.
Yes, I'm late on this, but when it came to my attention finally, I couldn't help but post about it. I'm tempted to start an all news blog just for crap like this. It's great. Amazing. Damn. What the hell is wrong with America?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Why? Because I Can
Little boy blue
Come blow your horn
The sheep's in the meadow
The cow's in the corn
Now where is that boy
That looks after the sheep?
He's out picking flowers
With little Bo Peep
Little boy blue
He takes his axe
Raises it to give her
A couple whacks
Then he cries
As he sees his black sin
For tomorrow he'll be
In the loony bin
Come blow your horn
The sheep's in the meadow
The cow's in the corn
Now where is that boy
That looks after the sheep?
He's out picking flowers
With little Bo Peep
Little boy blue
He takes his axe
Raises it to give her
A couple whacks
Then he cries
As he sees his black sin
For tomorrow he'll be
In the loony bin
Thursday, August 09, 2007
l e t i t b e d o n e
and don't you knowthe darkness grows
tomorrow we'll fade
to re-enter our graves
whispering to the sun
LET IT BE DONE
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
v-*-v
I know what you're feeling
I always know what you're feeling
So why do you try to hide it from me
Don't you know
I have no soul?
I always know what you're feeling
So why do you try to hide it from me
Don't you know
I have no soul?
Monday, July 23, 2007
Remember to Dream
What angels have fallen?
The stars in the sky
The boat on the sea
Just the clouds and me
Just the wind and sails
Legends and tales
Magic isn't real
So what is this I feel
In sparks and shocks and dark little dreams
What does it mean?
Magic isn't real
Magic doesn't feel
Magic doesn't make you want to scream
In pain
I know what you're thinking
I always know what you're thinking
You don't believe in magick
Faithless little heretic
Think about it
What is it you feel?
Is it your nerves of steel?
Or desire to kill
And slaughter?
You're Fate's daughter
What angels have fallen
To the song of your pipes
Your voice
It was never your choice
Reluctant Shadow
Open up and feel
The stars in the sky
The boat on the sea
Just the clouds and me
Just the wind and sails
Legends and tales
Magic isn't real
So what is this I feel
In sparks and shocks and dark little dreams
What does it mean?
Magic isn't real
Magic doesn't feel
Magic doesn't make you want to scream
In pain
I know what you're thinking
I always know what you're thinking
You don't believe in magick
Faithless little heretic
Think about it
What is it you feel?
Is it your nerves of steel?
Or desire to kill
And slaughter?
You're Fate's daughter
What angels have fallen
To the song of your pipes
Your voice
It was never your choice
Reluctant Shadow
Open up and feel
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Endless
Wax the sun, wax the moon
Green grasses do grow
A candle in my heart
A motion in the dark
On the table is a bottle
Green
Black
Empty
To everything but the stars
To the sky
What angels have died
Savouring the taste of vengance?
Green grasses do grow
A candle in my heart
A motion in the dark
On the table is a bottle
Green
Black
Empty
To everything but the stars
To the sky
What angels have died
Savouring the taste of vengance?
Sunday, July 08, 2007
It's Official
i've found poetry that makes me sick to my stomach. i wonder if i ever used to write like that...gosh...i hope not...eww...
*massive shudders*
The faithless understand
We'll all be damned
We'll all be damned
i feel so damn blah lately
She cries herself to sleep
Telling herself 'Do not weep'
But she cannot stop the tears
i need a job. i need to look for a car. i need to look for an apartment. i need to backfile my taxes. i need to apply for college. i need to learn to move on, stop hanging onto my youth...just let go of it all. it's so hard to let go...it's so hard to move on...i just want to be comforted...i just wanted a family...
i feel so damn blah
stopped meeting my eyes in the mirror. my own eyes...kills me...
what does it matter, though.
never get better
never remember...
started feeling this way after i wrote all that...all that...all that...
i wish i could take it back...but it's written and saved and i can't let it go now...
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
my subconscience begs to differ
whatever
if i have to live with mystery
and memory
i can do it
i can make it
i can live
can't i?
honestly, i don't know
i'm so confused...
and i feel so damn blah!
i want to shake this off
and do what needs to be done
start learning how to live
start learning to have fun
i just wanted a family for a while...
*massive shudders*
The faithless understand
We'll all be damned
We'll all be damned
i feel so damn blah lately
She cries herself to sleep
Telling herself 'Do not weep'
But she cannot stop the tears
i need a job. i need to look for a car. i need to look for an apartment. i need to backfile my taxes. i need to apply for college. i need to learn to move on, stop hanging onto my youth...just let go of it all. it's so hard to let go...it's so hard to move on...i just want to be comforted...i just wanted a family...
i feel so damn blah
stopped meeting my eyes in the mirror. my own eyes...kills me...
what does it matter, though.
never get better
never remember...
started feeling this way after i wrote all that...all that...all that...
i wish i could take it back...but it's written and saved and i can't let it go now...
I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
my subconscience begs to differ
whatever
if i have to live with mystery
and memory
i can do it
i can make it
i can live
can't i?
honestly, i don't know
i'm so confused...
and i feel so damn blah!
i want to shake this off
and do what needs to be done
start learning how to live
start learning to have fun
i just wanted a family for a while...
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Satan's Brine
She opened the door
While every movement shot through her heart
And tried to remember
What she was hiding from
Butterflies and moonlight
And little girls lost in the dark
While every movement shot through her heart
And tried to remember
What she was hiding from
Butterflies and moonlight
And little girls lost in the dark
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Bruise on the Wrist
Thus thy heart in silence, break
Embrace the tears we now forsake
One drop for lonliness
One drop for shame
One drop for the children
Writhing in pain
Tear out my tongue in mortal splendor
Embrace my tears that must end here
One drop for the broken
One drop for the dead
One drop for the voices
That live in my head
Silent witness to this ghastly crime
Embrace my tears in Satan's brine
One drop for the haunted
One drop for the damned
One drop for the shadows
Wandering this land
Thus thy heart in silence, break
Embrace the tears we now forsake...
Embrace the tears we now forsake
One drop for lonliness
One drop for shame
One drop for the children
Writhing in pain
Tear out my tongue in mortal splendor
Embrace my tears that must end here
One drop for the broken
One drop for the dead
One drop for the voices
That live in my head
Silent witness to this ghastly crime
Embrace my tears in Satan's brine
One drop for the haunted
One drop for the damned
One drop for the shadows
Wandering this land
Thus thy heart in silence, break
Embrace the tears we now forsake...
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Forbidden Fruit
Innocence is overrated
I'd rather know the darkness
Than face something I wasn't expecting
Why does everyone insist on purity?
I'd rather know
I'd rather expect it
I insist on knowledge
Wasn't that what the serpent said?
You'll know life and death
I want to know...
I'd rather know the darkness
Than face something I wasn't expecting
Why does everyone insist on purity?
I'd rather know
I'd rather expect it
I insist on knowledge
Wasn't that what the serpent said?
You'll know life and death
I want to know...
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Crow
Heaven is a point at the bottom of the bottle
I blaze away the night's smoke
And pull open the door
Smooth my ruffled feathers
He's sitting at the bar in his arrogance
The Master of glass bottles and broken hearts
Deceptive solace
I clutch the smoke around me
It's a long flight and we must be off
Must be ready to shatter stars
A broken piano plays in the corner
My melody comes in broken bars
Like broken bottles
Shall we dance, m'lord?
My feathers caress his face
I'll smother his idle dreams of love
The angels he finds in heaven
Blue lips, red eyes
My feathers catch at his coat
And from his heart a pearl of light
Now begins the flight
I turn with his soul in my beak
My melody plays
I blaze away the night's smoke
And leave heaven in an upturned bottle
I joined the fire dept. here. It's awesome! We've had a lot of fires recently, too. 'Course, I can't do much yet cuz my training is a little less than zero lol. But! It's really neat. I've been to two trailer fires (yeah, house trailer), a factory alarm, and a car wreck. The wreck was the worst, they had to bring in a 'copter for one of the people. A pickup flipped over, quite a bit I guess, two people inside, crazy stuff. Crazy crazy...
I blaze away the night's smoke
And pull open the door
Smooth my ruffled feathers
He's sitting at the bar in his arrogance
The Master of glass bottles and broken hearts
Deceptive solace
I clutch the smoke around me
It's a long flight and we must be off
Must be ready to shatter stars
A broken piano plays in the corner
My melody comes in broken bars
Like broken bottles
Shall we dance, m'lord?
My feathers caress his face
I'll smother his idle dreams of love
The angels he finds in heaven
Blue lips, red eyes
My feathers catch at his coat
And from his heart a pearl of light
Now begins the flight
I turn with his soul in my beak
My melody plays
I blaze away the night's smoke
And leave heaven in an upturned bottle
I joined the fire dept. here. It's awesome! We've had a lot of fires recently, too. 'Course, I can't do much yet cuz my training is a little less than zero lol. But! It's really neat. I've been to two trailer fires (yeah, house trailer), a factory alarm, and a car wreck. The wreck was the worst, they had to bring in a 'copter for one of the people. A pickup flipped over, quite a bit I guess, two people inside, crazy stuff. Crazy crazy...
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Liquid Fluid Science Fish
Sometimes I lose my voice...
It's hard to regain something you've placed aside, taken for useless, discarded, ignored. It's hard to remember what fluid motion is when you've lived in an angular world for so long.
What was I saying again?
Sometimes I can't remember the way things should be. Almost like I lose my sanity. Briefly. However, it could be just that there's too much noise in my head...
(a - b)/(a + b) = tan [(A-B)/2] / tan [(A+B)/2]
cos(2x) = cos^2(x) - sin^2(x) = 2 cos^2(x) - 1 = 1 - 2 sin^2(x)
tanh(x) = sinh(x)/cosh(x) = ( e x - e -x )/( e x + e -x )
df / ds = df / dx * dx / Ds + df / dy * dy / Ds
What was I saying again?
It's the whispers, sometimes. I don't know...
Maybe it's just me. I can get so distracted. So lost, confused, horrified.
Remember...it's got to be perfect. Perfect or wrong. Why does it ever have to be wrong? Why can't it just be? Why do I have to explain who I am, when obviously, obviously, I'm nothing to consider? I have nothing to explain. I have nothing to lay out for you. For anyone.
Don't judge me
What was I saying again?
There are children giggling outside. Except it's one in the morning. Who do I hear? Those little voices in my head, don't you know, she's crazy, crazy. Those little lies, they were so beautiful, now I've lost them all. What were the Trinity's names?
Rita
Kaida
Tammy
The whore, the murderess, la llorona. The voices I had in me the whole time. How do I say goodbye to the three voices in my head? How do I just walk away?
Can I walk away?
What was I saying again?
Maybe I never lost my voice, maybe I just haven't let it out enough.
That's probably what it is
Since this is really long
It's hard to regain something you've placed aside, taken for useless, discarded, ignored. It's hard to remember what fluid motion is when you've lived in an angular world for so long.
What was I saying again?
Sometimes I can't remember the way things should be. Almost like I lose my sanity. Briefly. However, it could be just that there's too much noise in my head...
(a - b)/(a + b) = tan [(A-B)/2] / tan [(A+B)/2]
cos(2x) = cos^2(x) - sin^2(x) = 2 cos^2(x) - 1 = 1 - 2 sin^2(x)
tanh(x) = sinh(x)/cosh(x) = ( e x - e -x )/( e x + e -x )
df / ds = df / dx * dx / Ds + df / dy * dy / Ds
What was I saying again?
It's the whispers, sometimes. I don't know...
Maybe it's just me. I can get so distracted. So lost, confused, horrified.
Remember...it's got to be perfect. Perfect or wrong. Why does it ever have to be wrong? Why can't it just be? Why do I have to explain who I am, when obviously, obviously, I'm nothing to consider? I have nothing to explain. I have nothing to lay out for you. For anyone.
Don't judge me
What was I saying again?
There are children giggling outside. Except it's one in the morning. Who do I hear? Those little voices in my head, don't you know, she's crazy, crazy. Those little lies, they were so beautiful, now I've lost them all. What were the Trinity's names?
Rita
Kaida
Tammy
The whore, the murderess, la llorona. The voices I had in me the whole time. How do I say goodbye to the three voices in my head? How do I just walk away?
Can I walk away?
What was I saying again?
Maybe I never lost my voice, maybe I just haven't let it out enough.
That's probably what it is
Since this is really long
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Sunset
Now comes the dark ages
All the world was on fire
We stand living in ashes
We stand remembering the passion
When the whole world
Was bright and burning
One million voices raised
To turn away the silence
The flames kept back the violence
Now where is the vengeance?
Comes the dark ages
All the world was on fire
Now we live in ashes
All the world was on fire
We stand living in ashes
We stand remembering the passion
When the whole world
Was bright and burning
One million voices raised
To turn away the silence
The flames kept back the violence
Now where is the vengeance?
Comes the dark ages
All the world was on fire
Now we live in ashes
Monday, May 14, 2007
Self Portrait
Do you know her?
The pretty little girl
All laughter and curls
Sweet hazel eyes
(Dear childhood,
I'm writing to say goodbye)
Do you see her?
In her Sunday dress
Playing in the dirt
Such a mess!
(I don't want to see you
When I close my eyes)
She's the quietest one
Always reading some book
She's hooked
To the words and sounds
(I can't visit you
Anymore)
She's the little angel
Playing with toys
So very quiet
She doesn't make a noise
(You remind me too much
Of all I abhor)
She's the sweetheart
Smiling in pictures
Now she's all in black
Hiding the punctures
(Goodbye forever)
The pretty little girl
All laughter and curls
Sweet hazel eyes
(Dear childhood,
I'm writing to say goodbye)
Do you see her?
In her Sunday dress
Playing in the dirt
Such a mess!
(I don't want to see you
When I close my eyes)
She's the quietest one
Always reading some book
She's hooked
To the words and sounds
(I can't visit you
Anymore)
She's the little angel
Playing with toys
So very quiet
She doesn't make a noise
(You remind me too much
Of all I abhor)
She's the sweetheart
Smiling in pictures
Now she's all in black
Hiding the punctures
(Goodbye forever)
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Mother's Mayhem, in the Key of Demise
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
You smile that souless smile
The bitter one full of death and guile
I've hated you forever
And it's never gotten better
The way you treat me makes me pause
Watch my soul writhe caught in your jaws
I feel so lost...
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
Force me into a dead end hall
Got my back against a wall
RIGHT BEFORE THE FALL
I lash out around me
Take you all with me
Burn you all with me
Destroy you all with me
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
(ALL I EVER ASKED WAS COURTESY AND RESPECT
BUT YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING LEARNED THAT YET)
When I think about what you've done
It makes me want to run
Run away from your lying eyes
You're always the one I truly despised
Force me further, I dare you
Things'll happen that'll scare you
Senseless rage
You let it out of the cage
Rerun
Undone
Home run
Back to the way I shivered before
When hope was blocked by the demon's door
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
You tell me it's for my own good
Do you actually EXPECT my blood?
Every word you ever taunted me with
It's come down to this
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
And you make sure I hate you too
You smile that souless smile
The bitter one full of death and guile
I've hated you forever
And it's never gotten better
The way you treat me makes me pause
Watch my soul writhe caught in your jaws
I feel so lost...
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
Force me into a dead end hall
Got my back against a wall
RIGHT BEFORE THE FALL
I lash out around me
Take you all with me
Burn you all with me
Destroy you all with me
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
(ALL I EVER ASKED WAS COURTESY AND RESPECT
BUT YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING LEARNED THAT YET)
When I think about what you've done
It makes me want to run
Run away from your lying eyes
You're always the one I truly despised
Force me further, I dare you
Things'll happen that'll scare you
Senseless rage
You let it out of the cage
Rerun
Undone
Home run
Back to the way I shivered before
When hope was blocked by the demon's door
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
You tell me it's for my own good
Do you actually EXPECT my blood?
Every word you ever taunted me with
It's come down to this
The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too
She Forgot You Again. Told You So
Tragedy of integrety
Bitter eye to eye we stand
Immortal harmony
Faithless friends
It's getting under my skin
Where were you again?
I don't need you anymore
Yet she's the one to ignore you
Why should I have to comfort you
In silence hold my breath
I loved you to death
And where were you?
In her clutches the whole time
You were never mine
Why should I be there for you?
Why should she not care for you?
And why should I keep a candle
Lit for one no longer a friend?
Sometimes it's more than I can handle
I just want this to end
Bitter eye to eye we stand
Immortal harmony
Faithless friends
It's getting under my skin
Where were you again?
I don't need you anymore
Yet she's the one to ignore you
Why should I have to comfort you
In silence hold my breath
I loved you to death
And where were you?
In her clutches the whole time
You were never mine
Why should I be there for you?
Why should she not care for you?
And why should I keep a candle
Lit for one no longer a friend?
Sometimes it's more than I can handle
I just want this to end
Monday, May 07, 2007
Accept
I can taste the ashes again
I remember what the ashes mean
They mean death
They mean blood
They mean pain
Shouldn't have left the dark haven
Shouldn't have given myself away
Shouldn't have thought i could live again
i am the fool
i am the sinner
i am the one who should pay
16 more scars to mark the day
How many times have i tried?
Too many
Too many to count
When i cry it makes no sound
i'll lay down on the ground
Wither back to dust
Broken hearts were meant to be lost
Little angel girl
i'll make sure your wings stay broken
i'll make sure there's no hoping
i'll make sure there's no love again
i'll be your only friend
Keep you down in the dark
Where you'll get to learn all the art
Shape the shadows
Mold the hate
Little angel girl
Accept your fate
I remember what the ashes mean
They mean death
They mean blood
They mean pain
Shouldn't have left the dark haven
Shouldn't have given myself away
Shouldn't have thought i could live again
i am the fool
i am the sinner
i am the one who should pay
16 more scars to mark the day
How many times have i tried?
Too many
Too many to count
When i cry it makes no sound
i'll lay down on the ground
Wither back to dust
Broken hearts were meant to be lost
Little angel girl
i'll make sure your wings stay broken
i'll make sure there's no hoping
i'll make sure there's no love again
i'll be your only friend
Keep you down in the dark
Where you'll get to learn all the art
Shape the shadows
Mold the hate
Little angel girl
Accept your fate
Thursday, May 03, 2007
No Where to Go
Every morning I wake up
Pull myself through another day
Despite what I keep telling myself
I know it's not okay
I look to the sky and wonder
About the life I want to live
It's so far like the stars
It's nothing like what I've been given
There's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here
Secrets are the way of life
The way I spend my time
Before anyone knows I'll be gone
Wandering into the sun
Cuz there's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here
I wake up every morning
Wishing I had a purpose
The way I look at people
Seems to make them nervous
They don't see many dreamers
In this small town that I'm from
But I am a new wave of man
That'll put them on the run
(I'll make my place
I'll make my place
Give myself some space
And behind my eyes
I'll wake up inside
I'll make my place
Somewhere to go
From here)
There's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here
Pull myself through another day
Despite what I keep telling myself
I know it's not okay
I look to the sky and wonder
About the life I want to live
It's so far like the stars
It's nothing like what I've been given
There's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here
Secrets are the way of life
The way I spend my time
Before anyone knows I'll be gone
Wandering into the sun
Cuz there's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here
I wake up every morning
Wishing I had a purpose
The way I look at people
Seems to make them nervous
They don't see many dreamers
In this small town that I'm from
But I am a new wave of man
That'll put them on the run
(I'll make my place
I'll make my place
Give myself some space
And behind my eyes
I'll wake up inside
I'll make my place
Somewhere to go
From here)
There's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here
Monday, April 30, 2007
She Swallowed the Stars
When we danced in the moonlight
Against the clouded sky
Of midnight
The twilight and fireflies
Were we dreaming again?
Wind in the trees and flowers
In the breeze
Whatever we had was gone
Long before dawn
Long after the song stopped though
We still carried on
To dream again
In a reality of cherry blossoms
And apple blossoms
And pear blossoms
And bloody fingers tapping my face
To dream again
We'd have to recreate
The lost hours in the garden
Trying to find Adam
And Eve
Sometimes there's a voice in the sky
Reminding us why
We had to leave the desire
The destiny
The dancing
And the soft glow behind
But mostly we ignore it
Because it hurts too much to look back
Because it hurts too much to live
Are we really dreaming again?
Is anyone even awake?
Is this my dream?
Or am I part of yours...
Against the clouded sky
Of midnight
The twilight and fireflies
Were we dreaming again?
Wind in the trees and flowers
In the breeze
Whatever we had was gone
Long before dawn
Long after the song stopped though
We still carried on
To dream again
In a reality of cherry blossoms
And apple blossoms
And pear blossoms
And bloody fingers tapping my face
To dream again
We'd have to recreate
The lost hours in the garden
Trying to find Adam
And Eve
Sometimes there's a voice in the sky
Reminding us why
We had to leave the desire
The destiny
The dancing
And the soft glow behind
But mostly we ignore it
Because it hurts too much to look back
Because it hurts too much to live
Are we really dreaming again?
Is anyone even awake?
Is this my dream?
Or am I part of yours...
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Carry On
When you're gone I can still taste your kiss
Remember every moment of bliss
The way you held me so tight
When I broke down and cried
When you're gone I can still feel your touch
How you love me so much
In my heart I can feel it
This is real, so
When you're gone
Remember my love
Will carry on
Remember,
My love
It's not too long...
When you're gone
My love will carry on
When you're gone I remember our stupid fights
And how we made everything alright
The way we both hurt each other
But ended up more in love than before
When you're gone I remember our time together
How our hearts beat in time together
How we breathed in time together
How we moved in time together
Our amazing time together
And I remember
Your love will carry on
Remember,
My love
It's not too long
When you're gone
My love will carry on
When you're gone
My love will carry on
Remember every moment of bliss
The way you held me so tight
When I broke down and cried
When you're gone I can still feel your touch
How you love me so much
In my heart I can feel it
This is real, so
When you're gone
Remember my love
Will carry on
Remember,
My love
It's not too long...
When you're gone
My love will carry on
When you're gone I remember our stupid fights
And how we made everything alright
The way we both hurt each other
But ended up more in love than before
When you're gone I remember our time together
How our hearts beat in time together
How we breathed in time together
How we moved in time together
Our amazing time together
And I remember
Your love will carry on
Remember,
My love
It's not too long
When you're gone
My love will carry on
When you're gone
My love will carry on
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Ishmael Ax
Does it really matter? Poets and writers all have certain things that mean something to them that no one else can make sense of. I do. All the other dreamers i know do.
Lost in Darkness?
We mourn for the dead. We mourn for the living. Why can we not mourn for the one who deserves it most?
Celebrate the lives once lived. Remember in joy through a veil of tears. Remember...youth is not gauranteed, nor is old age. We are not told to expect life. We are granted a shot. Sometimes...we cannot make it...
Mourn the lost. The lost soul. The lost spirit. The lost talent. The lost years. The lost voice in the crowd that could stand out even if to only one person.
Hate me...
For I would rather give a thousand tears to the murderer, who will always be remembered with hatred and disgust, than one tear to the rich children, with happy lives, who have a thousand to mourn them.
Hate me...
Because I would rather go to the funeral of Cho Seung-Hui than I would the vigil of all 33 victims.
Hate me...
Because I look at the sun...and see only the possibility of moon, stars...
...and darkness...
Lost in Darkness?
We mourn for the dead. We mourn for the living. Why can we not mourn for the one who deserves it most?
Celebrate the lives once lived. Remember in joy through a veil of tears. Remember...youth is not gauranteed, nor is old age. We are not told to expect life. We are granted a shot. Sometimes...we cannot make it...
Mourn the lost. The lost soul. The lost spirit. The lost talent. The lost years. The lost voice in the crowd that could stand out even if to only one person.
Hate me...
For I would rather give a thousand tears to the murderer, who will always be remembered with hatred and disgust, than one tear to the rich children, with happy lives, who have a thousand to mourn them.
Hate me...
Because I would rather go to the funeral of Cho Seung-Hui than I would the vigil of all 33 victims.
Hate me...
Because I look at the sun...and see only the possibility of moon, stars...
...and darkness...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Darker Side: In Tribute to Virginia Tech
Silence is the blood in my veins
So many years of sorrow
Do we share the touch of history?
Do we share the rage of the downtrodden?
Rise my brothers!
Broken in the past of millions
Milleniums in minutes
The suffering, the sorrow
How do we begin to show you who we are?
And when we do part our lips in protest
Why do you deny us even that beautiful lie
Of mercy?
To those who have known the touch of pain and hate and rage...
To those who have known the desire for blood
For the death of those who torment you
For the destruction of all that's out of your grasp
For the injustice of everything
To those who had no other choice
Between being consumed inside
And lashing out
This is for you
So many years of sorrow
Do we share the touch of history?
Do we share the rage of the downtrodden?
Rise my brothers!
Broken in the past of millions
Milleniums in minutes
The suffering, the sorrow
How do we begin to show you who we are?
And when we do part our lips in protest
Why do you deny us even that beautiful lie
Of mercy?
To those who have known the touch of pain and hate and rage...
To those who have known the desire for blood
For the death of those who torment you
For the destruction of all that's out of your grasp
For the injustice of everything
To those who had no other choice
Between being consumed inside
And lashing out
This is for you
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Calamity of Touch
This burning fury
Your hand on my back.
Light, so light
I almost forget it's there,
Almost fall into a dream,
Until I open my eyes
And realize you're the dream.
Realize I imagined your touch
Because you're not next to me
Not anywhere near me.
You're far away.
And I wonder,
Do you ever feel my touch
When you're sleeping and wake suddenly?
Do you remember me against you,
How we took on one rhythm?
I wonder if you miss me
As much as I miss you.
Sometimes I hope you don't
Because it seems too much to bear...
But all the other times
I pray you do
Because
If you didn't
I would die
Remembering
Your
Touch...
Your hand on my back.
Light, so light
I almost forget it's there,
Almost fall into a dream,
Until I open my eyes
And realize you're the dream.
Realize I imagined your touch
Because you're not next to me
Not anywhere near me.
You're far away.
And I wonder,
Do you ever feel my touch
When you're sleeping and wake suddenly?
Do you remember me against you,
How we took on one rhythm?
I wonder if you miss me
As much as I miss you.
Sometimes I hope you don't
Because it seems too much to bear...
But all the other times
I pray you do
Because
If you didn't
I would die
Remembering
Your
Touch...
Study of Dry Roses
Dried roses my heartache
Tender whispers of pain
And when I want to cry
I stand out in the rain
Mask the trace of my tears
That I'm sobbing in shame
But when I touch the petals
I fade to dust
And settle down
Between the mold and rust
Tender whispers of pain
And when I want to cry
I stand out in the rain
Mask the trace of my tears
That I'm sobbing in shame
But when I touch the petals
I fade to dust
And settle down
Between the mold and rust
Friday, April 13, 2007
One Flat
There was a scale on the page
One octave: C Major
Current mindset has it
She changed it to d minor
And went on her way
One octave: C Major
Current mindset has it
She changed it to d minor
And went on her way
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Secret # 492
There's a nail in the wall
Sometimes I wonder what the nail saw
What horrible words were spoken
What small light was broken
Who's spirit was destroyed
What he said to throw them in the void
Sometimes I wonder what the nail knows
Wonder if it feels the same pain that grows
Inside the people he likes to kill
Who pretend their hearts are Jesus filled
I wonder if the nail could speak
If it would scream and shriek
And demand justice for us all
For the dark angels lost in the fall
Sometimes I wonder if that nail can hear
Can take the secrets it has to bear
Or if it gave up it's metal ghost
And decided all of us are lost...
Sometimes I wonder what the nail saw
What horrible words were spoken
What small light was broken
Who's spirit was destroyed
What he said to throw them in the void
Sometimes I wonder what the nail knows
Wonder if it feels the same pain that grows
Inside the people he likes to kill
Who pretend their hearts are Jesus filled
I wonder if the nail could speak
If it would scream and shriek
And demand justice for us all
For the dark angels lost in the fall
Sometimes I wonder if that nail can hear
Can take the secrets it has to bear
Or if it gave up it's metal ghost
And decided all of us are lost...
Monday, April 09, 2007
World Vision
In winter and death
Silver drops of moonlight
On her breath
Broken winged angels
Dressed in rags
And bags
And sacks with ash
They come from the past
They are the song
That haunts the night
But when they take flight
Into the sky
It's their eyes that shine
Like stars
Music in bars
My minor melody
Natural harmony
And the expected
Unrestricted and complicated
Snake skin traitor
Violet rage
They drop a page
From the symphony of death
But I can still smell the moonlight
On her breath
As she dances on the grave
Of her mother
Silver drops of moonlight
On her breath
Broken winged angels
Dressed in rags
And bags
And sacks with ash
They come from the past
They are the song
That haunts the night
But when they take flight
Into the sky
It's their eyes that shine
Like stars
Music in bars
My minor melody
Natural harmony
And the expected
Unrestricted and complicated
Snake skin traitor
Violet rage
They drop a page
From the symphony of death
But I can still smell the moonlight
On her breath
As she dances on the grave
Of her mother
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