Becoming Eve

I was born in darkness,
Some silent watcher to break a fall,
I was the one made to last through it all.
Incessant ringing in my ears,
Sometimes I wish I wasn't here.
Becoming what the body is,
A journey, confusing and insane,
Unnecessary,
There's no reason to fall into the trap of femininity.
Recombination forcing my hand,
Turning into the first sin,
Turning into a fallible mortal again.
Does anyone have the faintest idea
How hard it is to become
Some thing wrapped in identity.
I was a pure creature,
Leaving the genders to The Others.
Now I'm falling into a pit I don't understand,
A pit that, quite honestly, terrifies me.
What does a pure creature do
When suddenly impurity is the only option?
Either divide and prove unworthy
Or maintain and prove a sin

Forsaken?

Have I been?
Deluding myself into a semblance of self worth,
Have I finally pressed an unforgivable line?
Would I care if I had?
It's almost too much for me to keep dealing with.
I fall into relationships that are so far apart,
We must not meet until I can fly
And who knows how much time must go by,
I am so stupid stupid stupid to think that I can have what I want.
Sudden silences press against my ears
With a tearing in my core I pretend to ignore,
Blatantly hiding behind a twisted façade.
I hold my tongue and let things go on and hope,
Hope that today I will hear something
Or today
Or today
Or today
Or today
Will it be another long silence?

Can I make it through that..?

a l t a r

Bodies atremble in the night
Flashes of light through leather straps
And down with a vengeance
Scarlet blood coursing along her back
(Let go
Let go)
A point past no return, a point of brilliant
Release!
She collapses to her knees
(BREAK ME)
Redemption pouring from slices in rivulets
Raining ecstasy on a carpet of sin
And while she begs for nothing proudly
She awaits salvation to come down again
(Let go
Let go)
Dreamers and desolate souls passing through
She’s come to an altar
(I want to let you ravish me like a demon
Like heaven before the fall)
Eyes raised to the ceiling making shapes in her mind
Press forward into darkness
Slips
What more is there than this?
What more is there than this?
Begging, utterly undone:
BREAK ME

Five Aspects of an Endless Longing

I.
Dreams so sweet I can hardly stand.
My hair tangled around your hand.

Heart beating in my throat,
So painfully loud,
I nearly choke.

My eyes, frightened but fierce with desire,
Searching your face
To fan the flames higher.

A flush paints my cheeks crimson,
A terrified smile haunts my lips,
I bow to your command;
I want no more than this.

II.
In articulo mortis

III.
(La petite mort)

IV.
Tonight I'm going to stare at the stars
And smile to myself.
If my hands were to stray,
If I were to start my dreaming,
It would be your fault.

V.
Feverish with longing,
Yet too afraid to ask,
I wait for you to notice.
I bet you do,
But you wait until I'm crazy,
And I hate that,
While my infatuation grows
In leaps and bounds.

No longer an issue

Should it feel like a hot iron
Exploding in my chest?
A lump of molten rage
Where my heart used to rest?
Unbidden to my mind,
To my idle, empty hands,
Come desires hot as fire
And an ache of pure unrest.
I am alone
Blind fingers grasping at the keys,
Typing teasing taunts
Bringing unsuspecting men to their knees.
Bring me under your command!
And I will serve loyally and true,
But the more you refrain from discipline
The more I drift away from you.



I wrote this on my FetLife. Because. I can. And also I don't have anything more original to say on here, so console yourselves with the fact that I just wrote it today.

Not poetry

What I want and what I have have always been two different things, even when I didn't know it. And it hasn't been shit like "I want a Honda but I have a Chevy," (although that happened, too, I just didn't mind because at least I had a vehicle) no, it's been more profound. Makes me wonder who I pissed off in a previous life. I'm sorry already! Can I catch a break just once?!

Everyone I've ever cared about has always lived in a different state, and even now that I'm living with a friend, there's someone I'd rather be with a thousand miles away (Blue, no offense, love). There are four places I can live in the U.S., none of them any closer to where I want to be, some of them as far as I can go and still stay in the continental. I keep telling myself that life just isn't meant to be fair, this is normal, this is basic shit. And yet...

I've ripped myself apart for everyone I've known, except one, at least once. Should I have to sacrifice like that? Should I have to be broken?

For over a month I thought I'd been abandoned by the only person I haven't changed to please. I'm not sure I can describe what a blow to my confidence that was, or the thoughts that haunted me throughout that time. I'm sick, I'm so fucked up, I'm wrong, I'm worthless, I should have known better. In a funny twist of fate, I hadn't been abandoned, I'd been treated to a taste of something I used to do: a withdrawal from society into my own personal hell. I was broken of it with a dose of someone else's selfishness, but that's another story.

And so I dip my pencil in the water and move on...

I took a walk today under a grey sky with tiny speckles of rain falling on my face. It was decently chill, a pleasant surprise. I meant to write some poems, and did indeed write one, but it was nothing worth sharing; a waste of paper. I haven't managed to write anything exceedingly brilliant in quite a while, not since the night I read a friend's poem and wrote a frenzied response (a highly edited version made it on here, one not written in the heat of the moment). Perhaps I shouldn't push it, maybe beg my muse to speak with me, maybe search for a new one.

I showed a friend a drawing of mine recently. It was a practice sketch of the female form. I've been trying very hard to teach myself to draw better, and while I'm not the worst out there *coughthirdgraderscough*, I'm certainly not an artist. I enjoy drawing, but it will never be anything more than a hobby of mine, and not even one that I do very often. Anyway, I asked for some pointers on how to make it better and my friend said, "Just draw what you see."

But I see words. I see everything as a poem or a story. On my walk, I saw beautiful things that I instantly started crafting a verse for, or turned a quick phrase to capture, much like snapping a photograph. No artist am I, merely a wandering poet.

Passing Through the Woods

Inner turmoil like burning oil
(Refreshing)
Save me from my own desires,
Like a midwinter blaze
I am surrounded by ice.
Teach me something
(Inspirational nonsense)
Teach me something!
I will not beg
No dog, no cowering demon,
Oh, child with a wicked tongue!
Oh, child filled with desire!
No cowering demon am I,
No blistered body shaking,
SHE HAS GROWN HER WINGS
and flies silently away
(This is the day)
Heed!
Four years, two months, six days.
Swing low, sweet chariot,
For I have miles to go before I sleep.

Don't Keep Me in the Dark

Doorways stand open in the night,
I will hold open my hand for only so long a time.
Darkening days, my melody of life,
My melody of moving on to the next chapter.
Who's to say I deserve to be happier?
Mistakes are made and unmade in each hour,
Seconds overlapping to caress the rocks,
The sea speaking
(I shouldn't be shocked)
It's not that I didn't know, it's that I hoped,
And again today I am quietly alone.
Situationaly speaking, it's nothing new,
And I can even understand why it's me who is in this place,
Better me than anyone else.
I wonder if I was merely a distraction from the real world?
YOU asked me that once,
Now I ask you,
JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH:
If you don't want me anymore,
"My apologies for darkening your door".


Four years, two months, eight days

Today's trivia: The first band I ever made on Rock Band was called Darkened Doorway. The second was Orison.

Always On the Outside

Because there's no place for me within.
Stalking rooms with empty noises spewing,
Spouting nothing to be consumed by a void.
I'm not one with whom you should toy.
Something not right, holding on too loose,
And every other word grinds past my vision
Except I missed nothing of the nothing you said.
I a m s i c k
And it's about time I admitted it,
Except this sickness draws certain others near
And then I'm not the only one here,
So is it so wrong to be something else?
I have to stalk these rooms at night, shaded red,
Shaded black, whispering under the screaming vortex
Of the known.
I should just have stayed home
Except this sickness compels me to flee from the silence
And then there I am, letting someone in again,
Hoping that for maybe just a little while
I don't have to be so lonely.
But it doesn't work that way.
Because afterwards, after the possession and depression and
Elation,
After they've gotten what they wanted,
I'm still alone

Fuck It

I can honestly say that I hate myself.
I hate who I am
I hate what I want
I hate what I have
I hate what I need
I hate the fact that I am still degrading the earth with my presence.

And I HATE that people tell me I should be grateful.



It's not cheating if I'm the only fucking one here!

Sixpence Too Willing

Sing a song of ecstasy
A pocketful of tears,
Four and twenty blackbirds carrying my fears,
And when they finally landed
I offered them some bread,
Now I have a murder circling 'round my head.

Indeed

My life has been one long list of failures;
Why should my death be any different?

Doubt Within

With realization comes the responsibility.
I repress,
I refrain,
My face is pressed against the ground.
Am I less worthy?
I guess my arms are saying yes.
Hold me,
Hide me from myself,
Take away this poisonous doubt.
I don't know where I'm going
And I don't know if it's alone,
But I'm going there all the same.
I sort of feel abandoned.
Is that okay?
Maybe I should have said no...

This Has Absolutely No Meaning

Got a pocketful of nothing
(Ashes, ashes)
Who are we to say it's over?
I have a fistful of dollars,
What will you trade me for them?
I hold your heart by a string
Treat it like a yo-yo.
Will you listen when I speak?
Things moving at the corner of my vision
And I just hope I can remain silent about them.
You know what I'm talking about,
You know what everyone is talking about.
Exercises in playful meanderings
Exercises in futile wanderings.
Please excuse the mess of my dreams,
Just passing through your bleak reality,
Tasting on my tongue this sanguine addiction
(Reach for it)
I can feel your heart beneath my hands
Strings vibrating.
You are my symphony


I was messing around with Dr. Wicked's Writing Lab and this spewed out. I can tell you that it took me five minutes. Yay widget?

An Apology of Sorts

I don't have a whole lot to say,
Fell awake the other day,
Lost track of time and drifted away.

Last night I fell asleep,
Missed messages I'd been waiting on for weeks,
How do I justify that to myself?
How do I justify missing everything?

I wake up and feel dead
Insane buzzing flitting through my head

Dreaming draws me nearer to the fears
Hunting me with blood soaked spears,
I have nothing to shield me from the dreams

Skeletons grasping my arms,
Keeping me from running,
Sapping my strength so I can't break them,
I have to protect my friend, I have to save him,
I let my guard down and there it is,
Skeleton holding me tight
Forcing me to fight,
I should have hunted him and won.

My alarm went off at 8:45
And I was sorry to still be alive,
I tripped and fell from dream to nightmare.

In conclusion, I'm sorry I missed you

Silence In Spite of Me

I should just give it up
Stop hoping
Wishing
Wanting
Stop hanging on to threads that unravel
In my grasping hands.
I should realize that I can never have
The bright breaking of loneliness.
I can never have that strong guiding hand
Pressed against my throat.
I should just give it up
And call myself useless

Damage

Is that why I'm so alone?
I lit candles and drowned myself in darkness
In the silence of falling water.
Wondering never brings me nearer.
Am I too far gone?
I press my hands to the window and the sky
Weeps with me.
I am merely a product of my past
And a whisper of my future.
The past is doomed to repeat
(I can take the damage
I can keep walking)


Four years, two months, twenty-five days

|<3|

You make me feel like my heart
Is in a spreader bar

I'm not kidding

Steph: What are those long things called, with the pillow at one end and they're sometimes covered in silk?

Me: ...a chaise lounge?

Steph: Yes! You are a goddess!

Me: *strikes pose*

And It Really Was Time

So settle down and watch her go

Like bitter tea leaves down the drain
Like bitter whispers on the brain
And silent mutterings from behind closed closet doors.

Silence!
Fall in line

Wristwatches burning spirals on skeletal arms
Grim reaper smiles full of guile and charm
She's falling down the tunnel with wings pasted on her back.

Simpering little mice
This is what delirium tastes like

Cake and ice cream and ginger ale
Paper plates that are far too frail
I held her hand until she told me it was time to go.

Sooner Rather Than...

"They say I’ve lost it
What could I know when I’m but a mockery?
I'm so alone"
~Switchfoot, 'Sooner or Later'

Words Into A Void

I have to wonder if you're mad
If I did something to make you hate me.
I wonder if I could fix it if I did
I wonder if you would want me to.

I sent some pictures in hopes that you'd be pleased
And you were, and you told me,
But you're still gone and I know you're busy,
Just wish you'd say hi every now and then.

I'm lonely and silent
Wrapping myself in a cocoon of not caring,
Having to withdraw from the world
Just so for a little I can stop crying.

I miss you and hope that you're okay
And I'm trying not to harass you with texts
Or emails or calls,
I just wanted you to know

Even though you'll never read this

You Say I'm Hopeless

I want to burn my body to the ground
Rise up from the ashes and fly away,
Spread open my veins and just bleed
Oceans of blood, raining blue rocks
Hateful suffering,
Desires old as dust as faith as hate,
And then there was nothing inside,
Nothing inside,
Nothing inside.
Help me bend backwards and land on my feet.
Just one last song to lay me to sleep
(And I shall sleep dreamless)
With nothing left but bitter lies,
I am going to slice until there's nothing left but
Scars on my wrists...


I dreamt I ran a bath
And filled it with cherry blossoms
(There was whispering in my head)
I dreamt I ran a bath
And stepped in to the bubbles
(I don't know what they're saying)
I dreamt I ran a bath
That I turned red
(They lulled me to sleep)

Happy Winter Solstice

You are full of arrogance
Floating through life in a dream,
Assuming that you are the only truth
The center of the storms
Thinking you have found the only way
The only light, the only life,
Demanding that everyone be exactly as you.
Who do you think you are?
Arrogant to the last
Who do you think you are?



My mother sent me a cd for Christmas. This would be alright if it was in a genre I actually listened to. But I do not listen to contemporary Christian music. At all. No exceptions. And the only reason I ever did was because she bought me cds and I tried them.

She texted me today and asked me to listen to all of it. I personally cannot stand their music. I've looked up clips to make sure. I said I probably wouldn't. She sent back that there was no reason for me to celebrate Christmas since it's a celebration of Christ's birthday then.

She said I shouldn't celebrate Christmas since I didn't like her present.

Dear Mother, I hope you're reading this. Christmas started as a pagan holiday. Jesus was probably born around March. You haven't liked everything I've gotten you before, but you still accepted it graciously and I never demanded that you listen to/read/use your gift. I appreciate the fact that that cd helped you through a tough time in your life. Really. What you need to understand is that I HATE that music, and I don't care how much it means to you, I am not going to voluntarily listen to that. Please keep in mind that I have radically different tastes than you do. And I have since ever.

Much love

Demons Dreaming (Breathe In, Breathe In)

(Unceasing agony)
KNEEL
And know your defeat
PRAY
For mercy
How does it feel to be broken
How does it feel to be used
Abused
Warped into something else
(Kill me)
KNEEL
(Kill me)
PRAY
(Which way...)
Every tear is another link in the chain
Every breath is another wave of pain
Every day is another way to spell defeat
(It's so sweet...)
So kneel at the feet
And pray

Well, Does She?

I hold it in my arms.
Let me cry just one last time.
Hold me safe tonight.
(And does she worship?)
A veil torn from my face
Floats down onto the floor.
I walk the streets at night.
I am the darkness in your soul
The burnt edge on your toast.
(And does she worship?)
I hold my own.
Who can condemn me, who can hold me close?
I am always all alone.
Creature of darkness,
Creature of light,
I step into the sun,
I step into the night.
(And does she worship?)
What are you looking for, dark restless one?
Who are you seeking?
Will I know her when I find her?
(And does she worship?)
On this quest of many hatreds
I am the one to find my way.
Beg me to stay.
One little girl left out in the cold
I am always on my own.
(And does she worship?)
Sitting at a table with a paper at my hand
And the words are written with blood and sand.
A desert stretching as far as I can feel.
(And does she worship?)
I know that I'm not real.
A fractured jewel held together with steel,
Faceted memories that I can only feel.
I am looking for the one I've always sought,
And they tell me it's God.
Tell me again.
The Mistress who walks at night,
The one who's always been just out of sight,
The one who kisses my trembling lips,
The one who gives me more than this,
Should I deny who I am?
Should I deny that she is my heart beating
Not beating
Beating
Not beating
In my chest?
(AND DOES SHE WORSHIP?)
I deny no longer.
Could it be yes?

Love Song of the Sickness

Little windows in time
Hearts beating faster like ravens wings.
I watch, merely a humble spectator,
Savoring each and every radiant motion
Frozen in portraits of brilliant desire.
And oh, this desire is a sickness in me,
A creeping, wretched thing,
Not jealousy but a mass of crippling muck
Tinting my thoughts and making me weak,
Making me sick inside,
A sickness that boils in my veins…
His pale goddess glowing on my screen
And I have fallen in lust and continue to remain there
Allowing myself to drown like the bitter monster I am,
Bitter demon,
The one who has no wings except in darkness.
I caress the god and his goddess with my eyes,
My sickness flowing through me leaving a sweet stain on my tongue
Reminiscent of the death I am so enamored of,
My death, my internal agonizing rot.
I hold dear to my heart that I have also been chosen,
Like his goddess,
Except I can taste on my tongue that I am nothing,
Nothing even worth his time, nothing close to good enough for him,
And I scream at the sickness to implode and leave me empty,
A husk, a hollow doll,
I scream that I should leave them above me.
I can never ascend to even be touched by their glorious beauty
I can never hope to be cradled and the sickness assuaged…
He looks upon me and my heart skips a beat,
My forever longing making me grateful of even a moment’s notice,
He says that his opinion of me is enough
And yet…
I am stricken by the god and his goddess,
Awed by the beauty and elegance and purity of their union.
Who am I to even be a blemish on his radar?
Who am I to kneel at his feet and offer my adoration?
Who am I to hold this sickness inside…?
So broken, so used, so used to pain am I,
I cannot even function in a way worthy of his attention…
I have no right to lust after his goddess
No right to kneel and kiss his feet
NO RIGHT to hold his interest, hold his consideration,
Hold anything of his…
And yet, I persist in holding them both dear to my heart,
The sickness a safe resting place for my desire,
And through the sickness I can see my unworthiness…
The god and his pale, perfect goddess floating above me
While I lay on a bed of coals and worship from a distance,
My breath caught in my throat so firmly
I can do nothing but hope I may lay in their glory forever…

Happy Hallowe'en and shit

I.
You build the walls,
You watch them fall.
Such is life,
After all.

II.
You have to know
I'm proud to be owned.
You're just jealous
Because you're all alone.

III.
Little one, dry your eyes,
Hush, please don't cry.
I gave up so much for you,
Now you make my worst fears come true.
Thanks for re-breaking my heart,
I'm going to end this before it starts.

Rationality of Pain

I'm sitting here crying, not just for me
Should never have admitted that I'm weak
Humanity is something I should shun
I've let my heart come undone...

I can't begin to express the sorrow in my heart
I know I've hurt you and it tears me apart.
Believe me, I never meant for it to happen
I admitted something that shouldn't have been...

I guess I get what I deserve in the end
And maybe, after it all, we'll still be friends,
I keep wanting to apologize, to make you understand,
But I don't have control over my shaking hands

I know how I made you feel
I know that you're the one who's real
And here I am, too frightened to make a sound
Because I'm curled in a corner on the ground

Defined Define Defining

Inkblot butterflies
I will tell you all the lies
Truth fleeing from my veins
What do the doctors know?
Behind their secret doors with dolls that have secret parts
Things that make children weep,
Cold tables on which you sleep
Paper gowns that never cover, only show.
Down which hallway will you go?
Eyes watching from every fucking window
I know them, I know them all
It's almost like they're laughing, wanting me to fall
So there can be pills and pain and blood
Swirling down the drain.
I won't cave to the pressure
And you don't own this girl anymore
I'm not your fucking whore, you don't have the right
I'm not going to fight
Doctors are nothing in matters of the soul
I have the control

Silent Secret Tears

Please don't let me go!
i promise
With all my heart
By the moon and stars
Not to let You down,
Keep going steady to the future,
i won't let anything slip.
You won't come between me
And anything.
School takes no thought at all.
Please, please keep me
(my infatuation shines
i only think about You all the time)
Promise, promise times a thousand
i'll make You proud
i'll make You so proud
Please keep me...
All i want is your approval,
To feel the black band,
Your black band,
Around my neck.
And i'll do anything to keep it:
i promise to do my best,
Please don't let me go...

Why, yes, that IS Peter Gabriel

You ask me what i'm afraid of
And i say that i don't know.

i stutter and blush and refuse to meet Your eyes
(Disobedient slut)
But You, You are never surprised.
And all my feeble tricks are to no avail,
You see right through them, behind them,
Leaving me trembling and pale

What am i so frightened of, what leaves me in tears,
Is it the first time? Is it who You are?
No, instead, i find that qualities i felt were good
Were passed over, abused, mislabeled before.

It isn't Your fault i can't seem to behave,
It isn't what You do, it isn't what You say,

i'm terrified of being something other than what You desire
And while i try to please You, i can't help but cringe inside,
Hoping You come back and play just one more, one last, time.

i accepted the gift in the ebony box,
(From the Priest, He's the doctor,
He can handle the shocks)
Clasped it on and stood my ground,
A light flush on my cheeks,
And the way You treated me
Made my knees go weak

If i could, i would kneel, beg You to keep me just a while longer,
i would do anything your darkest depraved dreams desired,
But here I am, so far away, and You will never know,
How hard i'm trying to stay the same, not let emotion show.

You ask me what i'm afraid of,
And i say that i don't know,

But i know it's anticipating the sound
Of Your voice when i finally let you down...

S E P T U M S E P A R A T I O N

I.
Structured brilliance
Kisses
Dynamite exploding
Let there be light!
I am the moon
Where is Romeo?
Fast asleep beside the television
Watching static whiz by
And where am I?
In bed alone in an empty home

II.
Birds have no wings because the angels stole them, you see
They forgot what it was like to fly and so
With a hack and slash and flick of the wrist
They took the feathers and bones and blood and heart
And stitched everything together into a boat
If you're silent and still, you can see them float on the clouds,
But if you move, they'll come down and slit your throat

III.
THERE WAS A DOOR
but you must never open it

IV.
I burn the lights in the middle of the day
Must keep the darkness away
Hold a bottle in my outstretched hand
Let the pills slip and you shall be free
WHAT ABOUT ME

V.
I will sleep the dreamless sleep
I will sleep dreamless forever
You, with your will to live,
You think you're so much better
And yet here I am, pushing up the daisies
With a silver lever

VI.
Place the coins on my eyes
Tie the string to my toe
Pour beer down my throat
Watch my nails grow
Tonight I shall wake

VII.
there was a door
BUT YOU MUST NEVER OPEN IT

On Your TV Screen

I keep meaning to post and keep not posting.

My head is full of static. I can't focus. I can't focus...I'm exhausted even though I slept all day. So long...now I can't tell. I think, I think I'm losing my mind.


SO MUCH STATIC!

I can't stay focused on any one thing...I can't remember...I can't think

can't think can't think can't think


Holy hell, where is my sanity going...



It's not drowning it's being lost it's being eaten it's being buried it's being

unknown lost broken

This is what death sounds like
I can feel it creeping in
I can feel it creeping up
Where do I get to go?
I can't even remember what I just wrote

I can't even think of who I am
Is it this again?
Am I losing myself to a void
Losing my voice
Do I have a choice?!

With great power comes
Nothing
Like bells ringing
Let us repent!
Preacher man sending us to hell
And there's always the bells
They know who we are inside
And then the preacher man
He dies
Goes to hell
And the bells
What hope is there for the rest
If he was the best

Guess we're in rat's alley
Where the dead men lost
Lost their minds
Static consuming like plague
Rats running over my grave
And when I die and they lay me to
Sleep?
I come back and moan and weep

WHISPERING TO THE SUN







let it be done

Rules

So I bought my first car last night.



Less than sixteen hours later, the brakes failed, slamming me into the back of a flatbed on the highway, totaling my car.





I didn't need an ambulance, but I'm bruised and horribly pissed off. The dealership says that it's my problem because it had no warranty and I bought it as is. Too bad Texas has a law about selling unsafe vehicles. They have an auto shop on their property.



And the excuse?

There isn't one. Apparently, they just didn't look at the brakes. Or something.




I put a stop payment on my check because they didn't call me for five hours or so after I called them and informed them of what happened. They said that's fraud (whether that is or not, I don't know).


They also charged the credit card of the person who went in on it with me without his signature. That's fraud by any definition of the law.



Now we're in negotiations and I'm being told by everyone to sue for either pain and suffering or the sale of an unsafe vehicle.

I may have lost my new job thanks to the fact that I couldn't make it the first day since I happened to no longer have a car to get there in.



You know, you'd think there'd be a law about selling cars with faulty brakes, but, alas, it seems that no one gives a fuck until it happens to them. Or their child.




I keep thinking about what if it hadn't been me who had bought the car? What if it was a family with small children? I bought a Honda Accord Sedan. Good car for a family. I hit the truck going 55-60 and he was going about 45-50. Smacked in the face with an airbag. What if there had been a child in the passenger seat? What if there had been a baby in the back?

The way everything went, this was the best case scenario for this to happen. Everyone was fine and the truck didn't even have a mark on it. Well, some mud was wiped off his mudflap...



But what if there were children? What if the driver had been pregnant? What if the brakes had given out when I had to stop suddenly going the normal highway speed of 80? What if...what if...what if...



What if they had given out when someone was test driving it?



What if I couldn't stop when I was going through an intersection? What if?




I don't know what we're doing, but if they keep fucking with me and won't settle, I'm going to sue them. They can't sell cars that have no brakes.





I told you...I wasn't allowed to be happy....

Annie and Hanna

I am so wrong
And not allowed to be mad
I am the one who should pay for what you never had
(Jealous much?)
You think you're such a righteous virgin
And she thinks she's such a righteous slut
But I am the one who doesn't deserve
Simply because I have what you never could
(Never had time for)
And you think you're such a righteous virgin
And she thinks she's such a righteous slut
And I don't deserve it because I'm not worth enough
Woe unto me for sleeping with the one man I ever loved
It makes me not good enough
Oh, righteous virgin, oh, righteous slut
What makes you so much better than me?
What makes either of you above me?
I, who accepts all the pain and swallows without a second thought,
Who has lost and loved and lost and lost and lost,
Who has come to be told by nearly everyone she's just not good enough...
I wanted trust and respect and love
And am told that I can't have those things
Because I'm just not good enough
Because I am a slut
Because, suddenly, it's wrong to be in love
I guess you're better than me, for loving and letting go
And never having to rebound with someone you know
Maybe you're the pure one, oh righteous virgin,
But I think you're far more filthy than I
And maybe you're the pure one, oh righteous slut,
But I think you're far more filthy than I
I'm being told to hold the pain in until I die
And now I'm told I'm a whore for not rolling over again
Oh virgin, oh slut, you were never friends

Everything I Lost

I've not slept in nineteen hours. I keep getting this urge to slit my veins open and press bloody hand prints all over the walls...

The walls are too white

And the ceiling and the floor and everything else

I want colour!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE COLOURS?!

I just can't seem to care.

Fuck sleep

Fuck everything

My poor graphics card...

It's hard to post things when you don't have access to the interwebs. Srsly.

I really don't have anything to say. I'm depressed, moody, and fucked up. I have issues keeping my emotions in check.

I guess that's normal, though, right?

(Beautiful blinding lights
Forever haunting me with memories
As if I could sleep already
I can't hold my own hands steady)

I tend to push myself to the point of exhaustion before I go to bed. Just so I don't have to think.

Thinking sucks.

("Forever and ever, Amen,"
She whispered to her best friend.
But forever turned out to be two and a half years
And her pillow is soaked with tears)

I play DnD now, thanks to Blue. It's really awesome. I look forward to every friday.

And I keep not thinking.

Because that's the only way I can make it

Get Over It or GTFH

It's just like you to expect me to bend
To be the perfect friend
To be the doormat I've always been
To be the one to cater and please

I'm through living my life on my knees

If I won't take shit from him
Why should you expect me to swallow yours?
You stand back and scream and cry
And I'm left with bitter lies
You stand back and cry and scream
And I'm left with
Hollow hopes and tasteless dreams
A few old memories

But they no longer hold sway
And your words just push us away

You think that you're the only one who feels
Bitch, get real

You've got some nerve being like this
Being so high maintenance
Being so pissed

I was always there for you,
I was always whatever you wanted me to be
And you
Where were you the whole time?
YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING MINE

I don't see why I should have to consider you now
After all the let downs
After all the pain I swallowed to be your friend
And now, in the end,
Here you are wishing I was a doormat again
And here I am wishing you would just be happy for us

Isn't it better that he and I are friends?

Would you rather it be some chick you don't know?
Some random bimbo with a perfect body,
Angel eyes, and hair like the sun?
At least you know me...

Or do you?

The way you act, the way you fight
You never knew who I was because you were too busy
Being there for the bitch who let you down
And now where are you?

I'm vindictive, sure
And I say you deserved her
And I say you deserve to let go
Just like everyone else
Fuck, I should know

You can't hold on to something that is no longer yours
And is not mine
And is not yours
And is not mine
AND IS NOT YOURS

So get over yourself

Decay?

A window
With a heart built from stone
Razor wire against the ground
Every wind blowing through the holes
The rotten walls
Basement filled with rotten secrets
A million words or less written on the hearth
Stairs leading ever upwards
To an attic filled with love

Septem

I.
Please don't cry
Wipe the tears from your eyes
This is for your own good
Same as mine

II.
Pretty words
I would have sold my soul
Six months ago
Now I'm just disgusted
Disenchanted
Keep trying to draw me near
You only succeed in keeping me here

III.
I bet you a million dollars
All you miss
Is the illusion

IV.
She held up her hands
Amazed in the disreality
The déjà vu
The world shattering numbness
Would she smile?
Bitterness pours from her mouth

V.
Love?
Fuck love
Fuck it like the whore it is

VI.
End of the line
End of time
No more tears to cry
No more wondering why
No more silent screams
No more painful dreams
This is the way it has to be
And I accept the inevitable decay
The chaotic destruction of every day
I worship the razing
The destruction, the death
With every brittle breath
One more step and I find that all the time
It was with me, it was inside
You held me back, down, under, drowning
Now I'm so much more

VII.
And so much less

Memories of You

Her throat beneath my hands
I shut my eyes
Her heart beating so hard in my palm
I taste it
Her breath coming in gasps
And I feel it
Convulsive, sweet
Like a warm wind
Her body beneath me shivering
While I hold her down and shut my eyes
She is silken, smooth, perfect
And I hold her
Everything else is distant and unclear
Voices and staring strangers
I hold her harder and smile
She is so warm and soft
And I am holding her
She is mine
And I hold her

Solo Melody

She sat in the old wooden chair, her hands resting lightly on it's arms. A breeze blew through the shattered windows, swirling her long hair around her face, fluttering her light skirt around her ankles. The abandoned office building was silent.

She shivered. The silence pressed in on her with bitter force until a scuff sounded from the hall. Her back towards the door, she didn't see him enter, only felt the disturbance in the room and a tightening of her stomach.

"Early, eh?" he casually asked.

She swallowed, nodded. Her hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly digging splinters into her soft skin.

"You are so striking in black, Aria. Like a little red haired porcelain doll. So...delicate," he whispered close to her ear.

Shuddering, she shut her eyes, her breath held.

"Such an angel..." he gently caressed her neck with a finger. "Why have you called me here?"

"Please, I just want it to end..." she quavered. Desperation drew the knots in her stomach tighter. His hands slowly slid down her pale arms and coaxed her grip to loosen, then release. He turned her wrists up, exposing the scars on each arm.

"You have poetry on your arms," he purred.

"Give me one last sonnet, Bard," she murmured brokenly. His hands disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a tiny razor blade in each elegant grip.

"Be still, poppet," his hot breath whispered in her ear.

She shut her eyes again, the bite of the twin razors pulling a smile to her lips. She felt her hot blood pouring down, cascading, letting her life fall away.

And she kept her smile, even as the light melted from her eyes and the Bard left.

Dreamer of Dreams

Once upon a time
Once upon a marvelous time
When the sky was blue
And the sun was golden
And the birds were making a-
(terrible buzzing)
-In the trees,
There lived a princess
The most beautiful, completely-
(crazy, just bloody crazy)
-Maiden the kingdom had ever seen
She lived in a beautiful castle on the top of a hill
And she spent all day-
(in shock therapy, currently)
-Just waiting for her prince to arrive with-
(another shot! Hurry it up!)
-So that she would be-
(drugged for a fucking long time)
-Her prince leaned over and said-
(She's waking up!
Keep her still, here's the shot
Watch out for her feet!
There we go
Back to sleep now, princess)
But the princess was discontent with her prince
And planned to wake

Precious Betsy Bell

Do you believe me?
When I speak, and my jaw is broken
Unhinged
Whispering into the darkened room
The plastic eyes staring on and there I am
Breathing
Forgetting to breathe
Breathing
Wishing I would never draw another breath
I held it close and stroked its fur
And everything I ever cried
Soaked in so far the wash couldn't get it out again
I'm afraid it will bite me
I'm afraid to look
I'm afraid to not look
Stripes and golden fur and all the pain in the world
Whispered in the dark
Was it ever easier to stay silent?
How did you know?
I wonder and ponder and try not to remember
I held an invisible hand
I cried invisible tears
A bee stung me, a smile fell from me
A room full of books and a home full of colour
Sun shining through bottles filled with water
Peacock feathers, marbles, daffodils
Today I pick up a knife
Tomorrow I pick up a stone
Yesterday I held a baby bird
And lo, from the darkness a voice was heard
It could never scream
I shattered
I woke one night with my voice stuck in my throat
Where were the lights?
Eyes staring at me and all I could see was you
Was it you?
Was it me?
I whispered and a hand-

From the darkness sprang division
I am the shattered
My mouth hangs open and I gather the cries of the lost
The broken
The haunted
I whispered and turned away
Was it ever so easy to stay silent?
No, there is ease in guilt and shame
I held out my broken hands and cried for a reason
Sometimes things are too loud to be spoken
And so I whisper
Do you believe me now?

Potpourri

My grapics card is dying...slowly...I cry. And also I love Ace Ventura. I laugh and also cry all at once. Which actually hurts a lot.

I know absolutely that I know nothing absolutely
And so I absolutely cannot say with certainty
That I am absolutely certain
That certainty is absolutely not an absolute
That I can absolutely believe in

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

EDIT- check out my new link down there on the right. Click on it and be knowledged! Thumbs up for slurpees

And now for something completely different

For lack of anything better to say, here's some excerpts from a story I was writing a while back. I think they're funny in context, and slightly funnier out of context. So...enjoy. Or don't. Whichever. (the first person point of view is Faith, the guy is Shepcan. Yes, Shepcan. It's a point of contention. Shut up)

Geez, he was either a psychopath or his mommy never taught him about the rainbow.

“So why did you name yourself? Or did you not have a name to start with?” Silence bugs me.
“Does it matter?” he considered me.
“If you want the rest of my name, it does. It’s not creepy enough that you walk in cemeteries at night, pick up girls that you watch rise from graves, and live in a psycho house, but now you have an alias? Dude, it’s like you’re stalker of the year.”
“What’s wrong with my house?” he fairly pouted. Of all the things I said, he chose that one to dispute. Naturally, that would have been the one I picked.
“It’s black and white! The only colour you have is shut behind the cabinet doors and the fridge! It’s like, ‘the better to see your blood with, my dear.’ I’m sure the red would stand out fetchingly. You should have named yourself Creepy McStalker.”

Shepcan: “Yes, I have, but I want to hear your story. You seem, for lack of a better word, different.”
Faith:“I bet you tell that to all the suicide victims.”

It was like falling asleep, seriously, except for the pain and the desire to scream and claw my eyes out and the feeling that I was on fire as I felt each and every organ shut down. It was really great, if the new definition of great is unbelievable suck.

It was nice knowing he was upset for me. Or he just wanted me to stop crying. One of those.

You! Suck it!

I'm raking in the money, honey
I've got oodles in the bank
Oodles in my wallet
So much I don't know what to do with all of it
Just one problem
I'm not happy with my life
There's so much more I want to do
Just because you're content
Doesn't mean I am too
You're fulfilled with your work
While I feel like the jerk
For wanting to make something of myself
I don't want to be stuck in a nine to five
Beating my head into a wall to keep myself alive
I want to be a something
Maybe a someone!
So yeah, I've got the money, honey
I've got the cash, the franklins, the green
But you've got all the happy
And I've got all the pain
I want to be challenged and engaged
Not trapped in the corporate cage
You've got it made
Well I want it as well
Not a living hell
I'm not gonna be stuck in this job forever
I'm getting something better
Get over it

Truth of You

Bloody broken glass shards
My hands full
Screaming
You never listened then
Now you're a million miles away
My heart beats
And you lied like the dead to get me to stay
I am so over this
And over all you taught me
Here before the altar of my future
With a handful-
Press rewind
Do you remember all the petty lies
And fights and names
All the scars that I have you to thank
I am bitter, of course
Like November
Bitter, grey, cold, free
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am something else entirely
I stay up too late and go to bed too soon
I earn money and earn looks
You keep calling and saying 'come back!'
And I sit here and think
To what?
Beside my head as I sleep
Dreams to watch me as I-
Fast forward
Tomorrow I'll go out and forget you even exist
I don't need that old quick fix
No more knives or lies or alibis
Just me and these words at my side
You always wanted me to be your pet
This is the truth
Are you fucking dead yet?

I Want to Tell You A Story

She held up a hand and stopped me
Who am I?
A door opened
Here I am
Like following the rabbit
I want to say-
I put it all back together
With a curtsy
With a bow
Little turtles that skid on their shells
Flipped over to die
Sometimes I can't see the rabbit
She lowered her hand
Who am I?
Just like waking up to find
The walls are the wrong shade
The window is on the wrong wall
This bed is ill suited to the room-
She held up her hand
"I want to tell you a story"
With a smile I learned the hall was burning
Posted on the door
Churning winds that swept us away
She leaned closer
Eyes blank
Mouth bleeding
Broken fingers telling a story
The door swung shut and I lurched up
Heart in my throat

Story over

Flashbang

In turns
Too hot too cold
Turning
Behind the wall
With gloved hands
Broken fingers
A figurine of ivory
Partial vulnerability
It's always raining
Pipes dripping to the floor
And she knows it's not the same
Like
Raindrops on roses
She rises above the attic
Into the star strewn night
She takes flight
Out of the cardboard box
Yet the sun is rising
Too hot
Too cold
She falls to earth
Bloody mouth
Broken fingers

I want to tell you a story

So it's today

Bleed My Heart in Grey

Hark!
A heart
Bluebells on the wind
Chimes like blame
Fire starting in the yard
Open to interpretation
Dogs and coyotes
Tomorrow red like rust
Dust gathering
A storm!
You held it up for me
Furnaces blazing
I gave it to you
Tick tock
You never knew
Broken mirror in the bath
Razor blade dilemma
I held up my hand
Forever and ever amen
Promises
Then it rains

I'm so much more and so much less than you think I am

Pasts and Presents

You have the hardest time with each day
Waiting for the pain to go away
You keep hiding yourself from everything
Hoping for night to come and swallow you whole
But you've found a solution (soul pollution)
Without knowing the toll


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?


Each scar helps the weeks blend away
But you don't realize you've become the prey
The night creeps up and with it your desire
You don't know what went wrong
Like a lamb led to the guillotine (innocence became obscene)
You know you've been at it far too long


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?


Some day soon you'll cut too deep
And you'll have regrets as you fall asleep
Who will come across you as you rest
Blithly fallen, all thoughts to life ignored
Bitter tears will follow you down (drown and drown and drown)
Was it everything you hoped for?


Was it everything you hoped for?
Dragging a bloody knife against your skin
Did it answer all your questions?
Or are you more lost within?
Was it everything you hoped for?

Was it everything you hoped for?

Was it everything you hoped for?

Resolved and yet...

One of my two resolutions is to write more. In general, natch, but specifically here. I've been ever so lax on this front and it's always helped inspire me. So...there.

It's just hard when I can't think of anything to write about :-/

I used to just sit down and write, but now it's like...idk, like I've lost my muse, I suppose. I really need to find some writing exercises or something. It's just, every time I find some, they don't interest me, or they're stupid or lame or what have you. I do have a story going at the moment, about a boy who eats his mother's eyes. While she's tied to a bed. He's six. ^_^" happy fun times

Tears of the Past

Sometimes I go back and read over what happened
I have trouble letting go
I just want to know if I was right to run
Or if I should have stayed and fought and bled to death
Passed out pieces of my soul to anyone around

I don't know, maybe there was a better way
And I just missed it

Everything's been left in pieces
And here I am wondering what happened
What happened to the circle I had
To the friends and the faces...

I have them on my mind a lot
And there's no way for me to say anything to them
So I just think
And I wonder if I could have made a difference
If I could have changed the outcome
If only I hadn't taken a side

But I did
So is it my fault that everything fell apart?
I keep wondering and chasing these thoughts
And keep going back to the evidence of what happened

I still wonder if they're all okay
Everyone
Was I the weak link in the chain?

I'd like to think not

Chuck?!?!?

I haven't posted in over a month. You'd think I'd at least be sorry about that, or feel weird, or something. Maybe a little on edge. I've not written much in this "break." I finally wake up again and now I'm not even writing. I've created something too comfortable to break out of. A nest of compliance and laziness and just five more minutes. It's not that I don't have ideas. I do. Really good ones. But when I finally get time to write, there's always something else that sounds better. Like gaming, or Y answers, or some show or movie. Anything other than sitting down and applying myself to what I love.

I finally wake to a world of grey
I won't bother anyway
I won't do it at all today
I'm just breathing...

In my defense, I've been working psycho amounts of OT, so good moneys, not so good quality of life outside of work lol. Hopefully we'll get slow again. While I appreciated the extra for Christmas, now I just want to relax for a while. This is like, the first Saturday in over three weeks that I've had off. I'm excited lol. Last Monday we went to see the Unborn and it got me thinking a lot about exorcism. A lot.

Mariposa
When will you dance?

Sooo...yeah. Video games are cool. *_* lol. I got Mirror's Edge for Christmas and it's had me enthralled. I've always loved the people who can do that. I found a video of a couple guys a few years ago who were simply amazing. Yes, I'm jealous

Candles burn too cold
So I set the house on fire
And it still wasn't enough
I only wasted a little time
Before I knew
And set the world ablaze

Chuck Norris can squeeze the orange juice from a banana

Hhhrrrrrrrrrtttttt

I.
I am red on black
Orange burning against my shut eyes
So full and so filled
Overflow
Out pours a trail of smoke
And do I fade away?
Only to return with yet more rage

II.
Heart of a word not yet created
Bitter full of yearning
Take a step in the left direction
Inflections
Referring to the title
Heart of a word not yet imagined
Too much of something
Burning

III.
Blaze like snow in the sun
She knew he was the one
Too full of fire to ever back down
Now he has her
She begins to drown

IV.
Drown like an addict with the next fix

V.

Ignis Veritas et Ultio

"Ignis!"
She screamed
Woke shivering and blinking in the dark
Another violent dream
Another pounding heart

The night was freezing and colder
Frost glittering on the grass
She shivered and sweated lightly
Caught up in the past

"Veritas"
She whispered
Calming but still on edge
Biting words still haunting
She silently thought about what they meant

The door stood open
Her fear beating into the night
She was so alone
Dreams holding her too tight

"Et ultio!"
She smiled
Plans already taking form
Arms clasped around herself
In the darkened room

She lay back still smiling
Eyes easing shut
Dreams swirling around her
Sunrise creeping up

|

Ring around the rosy
Pocket full of posies
Ashes
Ashes
We all fall down
V
V Feet first
V Head full of useless words
V Hands clutching the passing wind
V And you know you'll never get out again
V Because you don't want to face the truth
V You want to believe he loves you
V You know he's just going to let you down
V Children should be encouraged to drown
V You run, stumble, trip, fall
V You keep running into walls
V Monsters in the dark
V And hoping for the sun behind the curtain
V Now you're more than certain
V You never had a chance at all
V You were always falling
V Poor, pathetic you
V
It's 8:50 AM. Do you know where your children are?

R.I.P Nette

Life is too short.

Hallowe'en Yet Again

She was wearing the shortest black velvet skirt she could find, her ass just peeking out from under it making it obvious she was wearing either a thong or nothing. She had paired it with a black velvet tube top a size too small, fishnet stockings and gloves, and a short black velvet cape. Her dark brown hair was piled high on her head elegantly and her makeup was dark but tasteful. A study in contrasts.

She had wandered in and out of a few parties all night, getting dirty looks from all the girls and admiring ones from all the guys. She had ignored all of them. Looking, always looking for him. But she knew better.

It was after midnight before she went to the graveyard. Cold, nearly too much, but she didn't want to go back home. She wanted him. She needed him. But she could never find him.

She sat on one of the concrete benches in the rich section and held her knees to her chest. The wind glided down her skin and she shivered. Tonight she had been so hopeful. It had seemed so right, thinking he would be there, somewhere, waiting for her to find him. And she would find him, she knew, but it had been years now. Too long. His trail had gone cold in this tiny town and she was stuck here waiting for something, for anything, to come along.

She was dejected. Her hopes had risen and fallen too many times and now she just felt numb. Her costume was desperate, her silent call for love, affection, warmth. All the things he had given her and then taken back when he had gone.

Something moved in the darkness. Her senses screaming suddenly, she launched herself up and ran, as fast as her inconvenient shoes would allow, away from whatever was coming at her. But a tiny voice said couldn't it be him? Couldn't he have found you? No! she screamed back. No, it's not him, it's not him, it can't be him, that's not right, it's not possible!

A wall rose in front of her and she nearly smashed into it. Behind her came running feet, so fast, so strange. She turned to face the thing with her only weapon: rage. If she was going to die tonight, she may as well fight.

It wasn't him, and a tiny voice inside cried in joy and another cried in grief. "A lovely costume," mocked a voice, and she smiled dangerously. "Thanks, dark one, but yours is much better." The shadows coalesced around it. She was certain of death now, certain of an end, and she welcomed it. Too long, too soon, but mostly too much of everything being ripped away from her before she could really enjoy it. Was life worth living if you never got to live?

"A fitting finale, my sweet." And just like that, her rage boiled over. Now she was aflame, smoke pouring from her mouth, the fire scorching the earth around her. "Finale my ass," she chuckled, and she poured her rage and fear and despair into the shadows. The light blinded the darkness, and the darkness was gone.

It hadn't been her end. It had been the end of an era. She was too old to hold on to the ghosts in her head, too old to keep hoping that she would find her one true love again. "Pretty like being burned alive," she whispered, as the flames abated. Oh, she was still in pain, still hurt and ashamed and angry, but now it was less. Now was the time to move on. Not a finale, the next movement.

She laughed and smoothed her tiny skirt. This town was small, but nice. Here she could stay for a few years, maybe twenty, maybe less. It depended on how social she was. His trail had ended here, but here hers would carry on.

She sighed and started for the edge of town, towards home, towards pretending to be human again. He was still here somewhere, she knew, still bitter and hating and wonderful...

The rain started that night and didn't stop until the next evening. She hated the rain now, hated how it must be him, how this was all he would say to her. "Damn water elementals," she griped. But a package showed up on her porch, neat and small. In it was a smaller vial of water...and a note. My Dearest, can you find me? And like that her hope and desire rekindled and she examined the vial. It was just rain...just what had been falling from the sky and still lay on the ground now.

She stepped outside and looked up sadly. No, she couldn't find him. He was in harmony with the earth while it fought her every step of the way. The life of fire elementals, the blessing and curse. The wind caressed her and she sighed. At least the wind was her friend...

And then there was a hand on her neck and she whirled to find

If you're honest...

...sometimes you can get the truth.

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

Psalm 6:6

I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.


I only wish I could craft verse as fluid as this...

Held Close, Far Away

I stand in the wind and drink it
Like a cup of dark tea
The leaves strike my face and I can't see them coming
So dark, the moon behind clouds
Unrestrained, my new wings glimmer
Black and glittering
So long and graceful and beautiful
It surprised me, the beauty
I glory in the feeling with my wings folded
I am just a creature in the night held close
Just a creature held close
Held close

Dare I think of the past?
I do
All the beauty drains away
The Book is not evil...the Book is not evil
Yet I no longer read
The words that came so easily hold only pain
"For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping"
Oh, the weeping!
I eat and drink liberally
Or at least I used to
It was his favoured punishment
Read until you are what I want you to be!
Kill what you are until you are what I want!
Die!
Die!
And like that I turn away
Because now I can
Now I am free

The wind is my tea
I am the clouds
I am the sea
I am what I am what I am
He isn't here
And I am not afraid to be this creature
This creature held close
I am held close
Held close


I'm the darkness in your soul
I'm the burnt edge on your toast
The bitter tang in your tea
The cloud above the sea...
Faithless?
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless

Tearing Off Their Wings

There's a man standing on a book
He screams into the world
I hear his screams and turn away
Away from the madness and hate
Like the rest are turning or dying
I walk from the man

He doesn't love, this man
Just stands on his book and yells
I'm tired of waiting for coherence
I'm tired of pretending ignorance
I am who I am what I am
And not even the Reaper will change me

A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind

He doesn't pause to consider
Just screams louder with each day
I am deaf to his moronic ideas and pleas
I am the darkness that got away
He is the slayer of innocence
And he loves to kill my hope

A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind

He is the man in the closet
The monster under my bed
I fear to walk and talk and sing
Because of all he's said
The man on the book thinks he is righteous
But the man on the book will fall

A man tearing off angel's wings
He almost got mine
I saw him take so many
Before I lost my mind

Goodnight, man on the book
I'll see you in hell
You've killed so many souls
Yes, you've served Satan well

-

And there in the corner
And there in the tree
Blue flowers
I'm ready to go home

Screaming

Let me out
Let me in
I am the shadow among you
Through the valley
I am death

A hundred fields
Million little fingers
Blue flowers
They are ready to go home

Screaming

Let me out
Let me in
I am the voices among you
From the wind
I am death

Thus thy heart...

I'm so close to the edge
So close to breaking down again
Again


Man, I'm so weak

Babble

Work full time, school part time, it's slaying me. I don't ever want to wake up anymore. Do I dream? Sometimes. There's always a tragedy. Last night I dreamt I had wings, pretty wings, and I could fly, but there was this building that was going to be blown up and I had to help save the people in there, the ones who wouldn't leave. There were others who had wings, and they were helping me.

I know I'm dreaming because I can't feel anything from the people around me. IRL I can always feel the people around me. I know that I'm not alone, I'm never alone. But in my dreams, they are cardboard. Puppets.

I wouldn't trade the empathy for anything.

I breathe. Do I breathe? I breathe. Do I breathe?

I sold my soul back to that voice in my head. I haven't been able to write, now that I'm happy. I needed something to help me. Sold my soul, but just for the price of my time, not my blood. It's nice not being the only thing in my head anymore. I missed that.

It's not like Kaida likes to be disturbed.

Was it okay? I miss writing. I've got a plan, though. Spend time in the cemetery and write. I feel like I belong there, it's mine. It's mine.

Got to leave for work in five minutes, haven't done anything to get ready. Sometimes I just don't care. I'm so stressed out, so many things I have to do. It really kills me, being stretched so thin. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so helpless in the face of all that I must do.

Aodhan doesn't feel he has to help.

There in theory, not practice, which doesn't do a hell of a lot for me. Last night he said that I just had to ask and he'd help me with the dishes. A few minutes later, I asked. "Do you need to do that right now? Right this second?" Well, no, I don't need to do anything at all right at any second, I could just sit in the corner and do nothing. But I'm trying not to put shit off anymore.

I did it myself.

He didn't remember, which is fine. I never feel like I'm good enough for him. I confess, I don't feel like he's good enough for me, sometimes. I feel so much older than him, even though he's two years older than me. He's still such a little boy. I know it'll change, but will he still need me, then? Will he change so much he outgrows me?

The thought doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

Sex. It's nice having our own place now. Good things happen, if you catch my drift. But...not what I need. I need pain, just pain, not love, sometimes. Just pain and anger and darkness and humiliation. I'm a freak. But I'm going to die without that.

Empty with a touch of whipped cream.

Blah. I talk and talk and whine and whine. I don't have too much to complain about. Just enough that there is something to say.

I sold my soul again. Is it bad that I like it?

Cellworld

Her home became the dirty cell. Days must have passed, but she didn't know when one ended and one began. She used to stay awake all the time, but now she just tried to sleep and never wake to the dirty white walls and concrete floor, the one bare bulb stuck in the ceiling. She stared at the door when she was awake, praying to hear someone coming. It didn't matter who anymore, just someone. Anyone.

Somehow, they always knew when she was asleep. She woke to food beside the door and a clean chamber pot, every few times there was a bucket of water and soap, new clothes. She had tried to fake sleep, but they never came when she did, and she couldn't last long, no more than eight hours anymore. It was wearing on her.

She woke once again to the food and something in her just snapped. She grabbed the bowl and threw it at the wall, screaming wordless rage as the tasteless gruel splattered. Then the tears came.

"I'll kill myself! Give me a reason not to!"

Her sobs echoed off the walls alongside the sound of the metal bowl being beaten against the floor. A minute later it was shaped into a rough point, sharp.

"One reason!"

But her scream when unanswered.

Was this all for her, she wondered. What if she waited one more day? What if tomorrow was the end of this hell? What if...?

What if she died now, she thought also. What if it's just going to keep going on and on without end? Could she take this anymore?

She bent over the bowl, crying hopelessly. What should she do? Her mind felt numb.

What should she do?

B R E A K R I P S H R E D R E N D

one day i'll be good enough for you
and you'll want me like i want you
i won't have to keep telling myself it's worth it
it'll be worth it
someday
i guess right now i'm just not good enough
or pretty enough
or thin enough
or popular enough
or sweet enough
to make you look at me the way i look at you
it's not like you have to anyway
i'm never leaving
you have me forever
i just wish you'd do something about it
because every time there's the promise and then...
you let it go
my heart breaks a little more in my chest
you put it back together the first time
i suppose it's only right that you rip it apart now
(you may kill only what you create
and you created me from the shattered glass, blood, and ashes
i held out to you)
i just wish i was good enough for you to want to do what i want to do
instead of being the second or third thing you think about
i will make myself good enough
i will
just wait for me a little longer
i know i can be what you want me to be
as long as you don't mind losing my soul

Death is Everything's Final Limit

In articulo mortis...

Hang your head
Filthy grave robber with a shovel at your back
Lantern light fills your eyes
As you walk into the black
Sing yourself to sleep, my ghoul
Words filling your head like cobwebs in the night
You think you can escape fate
But must merely deal with the demons you invite

Whenever you lay down to rest, remember
Mors ultima linea rerum est

At the moment of death...

Dirt clings to your hands
Your secret hides itself away under your nails
Gold dripping from your pockets
As you vault over the rail
You raise your face to the wind
A skull clutched tightly to your chest
"With strange aeons, even death may die"
Mors ultima linea rerum est

You cannot dig enough graves
Before you fall into yesterday
Nor can you rob enough graves
To keep the devil at bay
In death, all become equal
The sinners lie with the saints
Gold, silver, and gems can never turn away the scythe
So, my ghoul, what is your complaint?

If even death shall die
There's no hope for you to eternal lie
So, my ghoul, when you do rest
Mors ultima linea rerum est


In articulo mortis
My grave robbing ghoul
Never protest
You'll only be the fool
At the moment of death
Remember
You are just as easily snuffed
As the last ember

So, pray, when you lay to rest, for
Mors ultima linea rerum est

Tagged again! Curses

Tagged by Ruela v.v

The so called 'Road Trip meme'

Five cd's to take on the trip:

The Triptych - Demon Hunter
Songs to Burn Your Bridges By - Project 86
Summer of Darkness - Demon Hunter
Tales of the Knife - Lucerin Blue
Phenomenon - Thousand Foot Krutch

Three essential items:

Assuming the transportation, clothing, and hygiene products are already obviously coming, then I'd say
-My writing bag
-A good book
-My Gir blanket, for overnight stuff. It's so soft and fuzzy ^_^ I know, I know, so childish. Bite me.

One outrageous clothing item: I don't think I own anything outrageous lol. Well...I do have a very skimpy pirate costume and some fishnet stockings. I suppose that would, in fact, count as outrageous.

Taggees:
Raghav
Simon
Littl Rebal

Blinded by the Dawn

I.
I will give you a chocolate door
Marshmallow handle
Sprinkle mat
All for you, my cupcake
Frosting bed and peanut pillow
So you can dream sweet dreams
Of candy cane death

II.
I fell asleep on the couch
And dreamed of a jester
Living on a ship stuck beneath a waterfall
He lived near the town on the dusty hill
And every day he walked from the ship up the dusty road
Through the forest
Until he reached the plain and the people
And he sang and danced and told jokes and made them smile
And every night he walked from the plain down the dusty road
Back through the forest and to the ship
And when he shut the door on the cabin and stared out the window
Through the flood of water
His smile would fall off
And his eyes would be sad

III.
I am the moonlight
The dappled beams
Flashing on the backs of wolves
Running
Because it is pure joy
Pure harmony
To run together
In the moonlight

IV.
He looked through the spy glass and saw her
Making love with a man not her husband
But from in the distance
She looked through the spy glass
And saw his anguish as his wife defiled herself
Watching the watcher weep
She smiled and turned away
The watcher's watcher, the watcher, and the wife

^#...#^

Rip out like a bat from hell

She's so quiet now

Like a little china doll

Pretty like being burned alive

Her soul didn't survive

If it was ever there at all

Mi Arlequín

I pull my heart from my chest
I offer it to you







You eat it with ketchup

Tagged...*sniff*

These are the rules:

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you…

2. Mention the rules on your blog

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours...

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged...


Tagged by: Raghav

*I bite the inside of my lips all. The. Time. It makes me look so stupid, but I can't help it

*I always argue about everything, no matter what it is.

*Apparently, I can't write without being angry, sad, depressed, or afraid. Which would explain the lack of stuff on here recently.

*Honestly, I act like nothing is good enough for me. I always have to say it was better some other time, act like it was better. I can't help it, and I don't know why. Seriously, I'm happy now, with just about everything, and I still act like an ungrateful wretch.

*I'm quiet. A lot. It gets on people's nerves, or so I've been told.

*I daydream so much that I miss time lol. I can just sit somewhere and stare at the wall and be completely entertained for like, five hours.


Taggees:

Anonymous
Simon
Ruela
Katie McKenna
ab

Six is the number of Shaytan! lol, jk, i'm just too lazy to find another person i think'll do it

N I G H T M A R E S

Never seeing the monsters
In the dark
Graceful falls from
Heights
That make your head spin
Miraculous recovery
And we do it again
Repeating for
Eternity then
Stop

Hardly Fluid

Requiem
My broken china dolls
Failed songs slumbering beside me
Butterfly wings
Familiar faces pass by running
Requiem

'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman

Fits of virulent apptitude like painted shadows grace the walls. My very own portraits of pretenses, possibilities, panderings, so much wasted time spent quivering and weeping and wailing to let myself escape these sacred rooms. Butterflies float on a passing zephyr, yet the shadows stay the same: unchangeable as Father Time himself. And if it was all leaked away into the great beyond? The great beyond, the original oxymoron. It would just be another statistic, like me, like you, like the man on the street, choking on his cigarettes and committing a slow suicide. Numbers leak the romance out of the world. Poets have been slaughtered by maruading bands of digits, shouting facts and equations into the sky, executing criminals with a swift product and summation. Or would that be quotient and difference?

My hands are broken artifacts, just so much unused clay rotting in the corner. I barely care. Barely. Butterflies, romance, empty stories to convince myself to not let go just yet, maybe tomorrow will have something good. Something excellent, something positively to die for. I know what death is. My soul shies away from the truth, but I still want it. Should I bring it closer with one stroke? One stroke or two, like that cartoon. Me, I howl into the empty rooms I haunt, already aware that there will be only my echo to answer my anguish.

I am running out of time. Time is so precious, Father, so beautiful, like liquid, and the older I get, the more it falls from my grasp, trailing through my fingers as months flow by the same way seconds used to when I was a child. What a childish fancy, making time seem to be something other than what it is. And what is it, Father? My footsteps in the sand, a trail leading behind me into the fog, the flesh eating fog, and I can't help myself. I try to stop walking, I try to ease the burdens I have strung to my back. Father, why did you leave me with hands so small that time could only run faster and faster away into the ocean instead of pooling at my feet? But no one listens, and the walls close in again.

No one ever listens.

I can feel the crystal goblets shattering on the floor. My feet bleed as I walk over them. I must destroy these sacred rooms. I must, for the pounding in my head is at it's worst and the walls are still golden...

Father, have you repented?

Bullshit.

Fancy words and stories won't fucking save you, little girl. Fancy words and stories will send you to hell. Hell and heaven and earth and fire. Wind and air and mercy and desire. Is desire just as cold as ice? Lust isn't hot, it's freezing, and the golden walls are silver with frost. This must be lust.

Blatant denial, Father. I am your little angel, a little angel with broken wings who lifts her hands to ward off

FUCKING EVERYTHING

I wish you'd just hit me instead. Good fathers know how to make their little girls dead. I'm trapped by your lies and my fear and it's sweet, knowing you don't even care. I'll never tell you and you don't know.

Guess that's the way it snows in hell. I know that these sacred rooms keep me safe from you.

Goodnight, Father

I'm the Monster Tonight

(\ /)

I keep a razor blade in my wallet

Just in case

The Restaurant at the End of the World

We come to be for a little while
Leave a small dent in time
Some scratch the table
Some clean it to a shine
We are only known
For what we leave behind

A half eaten roll

Melon

Wine

And when we're gone
We'll be remembered for a little while
Until the waitress comes


And cleans our memory away

Kiss

Weeping in the night

It's the sound of hearts being

Drawn

On paper

Bloody little clumps of

Waste

They'll know you by the look on your

Soul

Broken little

Child

We're just one more heart on the paper

Like everyone else

Hoping the sun remembers how to

Rise

Tomorrow

Tonight We Dance

Babble Babble...

I draw your portrait
“Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party”
I’m just your fucking average outcast
Fucking average shadow
The corners come alive around me
Do you hear me yet?
“Babble babble bitch bitch rebel rebel party party”
This sucks!
Why should I take the fall
You’re the loser who stuck me here
“I hear a sound of a heart from the shadow in the dark”
No more mercy
No more sleepless nights contemplating your fall
We’ll die together in one last blaze of glory
“I see the darkness surround the shape on the ground”
I can’t express what you mean to me
Imagine every country blazing in arson
That’s what I have for you
That sick feeling you get when you know the punch is coming
The body in the backyard is your missing brother
The whisper you hear at night is real
I’m that fucking whisper
Somewhere in the corner of your mind you know it’s coming
From way out against the sun
Shooting sparks like fireworks in the night
Loud and shocking
The boom resonating in your chest
I resonate with a power all my own
You don’t see it coming
No one sees it coming
One last warning for anyone who will listen
I EXPLODE AGAINST THE NIGHT
This creature of darkness knows the light too well
I explode
I DESTROY
I am the fucking nightmare you can’t remember
Those eyes outside the window
You’ve seen me in every knife’s reflection
The sharp sheen that tempts you to let go
I tempt your weak mind
Professions of religion don’t lessen the impact
Those who truly believe have already seen the end
Who fears death that believes in truth they will never die?
Just wait for the end

HERE IT COMES

T R A S H

I walk outside
And breathe the scent of the night.
When the demons call me,
Why should I fight?
I'm just a shadow,
Do I really know what's right?
Just a shadow
In the wind of the night

It's hard to move on;
The past has taken it's toll.
Should I always remember
'Til my memory's full?
Or just let it all fade
'Til it's just a dark hole?
The future loses promise
To the past's toll

It's the middle of the night;
I grip my pencil.
My thoughts are like so much trash
Still I trace their stencil.
It's a heavy burden to bear
That I've yet to reconcile.
It's too fucking late,
But I grip my pencil

Back in the Beginning

I'd forgotten how beautiful I am in the darkness. How could I forget? How could I let slip something so freeing? I walked outside tonight into the darkness and wind. It caressed me. Touched what hurt. I miss belonging to that. The wind in the darkness.

All you can see of me is my silhouette, an hourglass figure in a long skirt with long hair blowing wildly every which way. I'm just a dream.

Is that what I'm supposed to take away from this life? That you can dream beautifully but no matter how wonderful it is, you have to wake up sometime? I don't want to be so jaded. The world has other ideas. I dream and wake and find that dreams are a cold comfort in the end. Is that all life is? Periods of dreaming and wakefulness? Does anyone else ever see what I do?

When I finally fall back asleep into my current fantasy, will it be as wonderful? Or will the pain of realization have stolen all the golden beauty away from me?

I can't believe I forgot how beautiful I am in the darkness. I am graceful and intelligent. Unlike the pale child the light reveals me to be, cowering in a corner, hoping my scars aren't as evident as they feel. The light blinds me and I forget things. I forget how to speak and walk and live. Until the darkness cradles me again. Then I walk with confidence and speak with assurance. I am the embodiment of grace and beauty in darkness.

How could I have forgotten something so wonderful?

Popcorn Fetish

What should I say to make you believe
I'm the lie I told you
I describe myself and you eat every sentence
Like it's pure golden truth
Every time you come near I uncap the jar with my lies
My sweet alibies
My salty excuses
My sour refuses

I don't want to talk about me

Let's talk about you

Are you who you're trying to be?
Are you the pretty reflection in the mirror
Or the meat beneath the orange rind?

I WANT YOU TO PULL OUT YOUR SECRETS!

Stop standing with your hands behind your back
Let me see what you're holding
I want the pith you hide under your pillow at night
The little notes in the margins of your books
I know you have them
I have them
Stop pretending you're the angel on the top of the tree
I'm not below you, I'm not part of the whole
I'm at the window looking in
I see your smirking eyes like two bullets on the bedspread

I'LL GET YOUR SECRETS!

I take a moment to huddle against the wall
What I wouldn't give for a glass of ginger ale
The kind you can't breath around or you'll choke
I want to bury my face in it and remind myself of you
Just you
When I look up I know you'll be yelling for whatever else you can take
And I'll get it for you
Just to make you shut up a moment longer
I don't care if I do it wrong
That's your fault for not taking the time to show me
Next time, when you grow up, you'll do better
Or you'll be gone

I take my hands out from behind my back and study my secrets
Nothing you'll ever see
I keep my velvet box behind my heart
Every dirty little deed I ever did glistens like emeralds
I hold them close
Let the pain of error wash over me
Then let the delicious ones feast on what's left of my morals
Handcuffs squeeze my wrists until my hands turn blue
But I like it
You'll never know that
And I don't want you to

My mind wanders

Anything to get away from you for a while

We have tatoos in common
You have some, I want some
But you know what you want with the pin pricks
I can't decide
So I pull out the list of things I like
Handcuff myself to the sink and wash every dish you bring me
You say something but I don't bother rewinding to see what it was
I want wings
I've always wanted wings
Another thing I know you'll never learn
I'm disjointed
Stilted

I want your secrets laid out on the counter
I want to sort them
Lay them out and wash them and take another look
Maybe hold them up to the window and let the light shine through

I WANT YOUR SECRETS!

I bow from the weight of my secrets
My box barely shuts, even with all my heart on top of it
Does that say more about my secrets
Or how little heart I have left?
I'm not even ashamed of some

I finish the dishes but keep the handcuffs
It gives me something to look forward to later
The promise of pain shivers down my back and through my breasts
A secret I would gladly proclaim if I could
I have no shame about it
Suddenly sensitive to my too-tight bra, I readjust
I promise myself as much pain as I can take
Maybe more if I'm good
I'll be good

I huddle in the blind spot between cameras
A secret springs out of the box and I fail to catch it
I like to feel used
Dirty
Like a twenty dollar whore
But keep your money
My bra is too tight again and it rubs against my nipples
My secrets want out, but I finally get my hands behind my back again
Paste on my best normal face
The only thing left from the secret is a lingering tingle

I know it'll fade