Shattered

Shattered, a picture of my life
And maybe it'll rain
But until then I'll watch the reflections
That show me the clouds
In shades of blue and black
I explode into a mirror shower
That rains pain down
Feel the wind, blowing coldness
But the air is so warm all around
And when the pieces hit the ground
No one will notice except me
That the mirror reflects back the clouds
As they are covered with rain drops
I'll bend to touch the pieces
And I'll cut my hand
So I'll drown slowly in a world of grey
Because the rain flooded me inside
And the last bit of colour you'll see of me
Will be the red of blood
On my hand.


the pics are links, yo

Blind?

no, my eyes have never been more open. but i don't want to get into an argument about it. explain the morals to me, i just don't see them. at all. and when i said that i saw you in a different light, i meant it. yeah, i know that you're the same person, but i guess...geez, like i said i don't want to get into an argument. does the word mainstream mean anything to you? and i know that harry potter is interesting and cool, but...i think that the one time i fell was enough. and reading that was kinda how it started. don't ask, alright? i've been on a downward spiral since i was five. and things were just starting to look up. just, let me fool myself for a while longer. man, i've never felt more alone than in a room full of people that i know.

Tears of the Future

yeah, that was my previous blog's title. and that's the way the future looks. annie, WHAT MORALS GO WITH APPROVING OF LYING AND DECEIT AND WITCHCRAFT??? i already gave scripture for that. i don't know wether i should cry or scream. it's not funny and it's not okay. and sure, there are plenty of other books, but which of them are as recognized world wide as harry potter? it's not that i would resort to...geez annie, i'm not an evil psycho maniac who has nothing better to do than yell at people. i guess it's more my fault cuz i never told you about this before. and i should have. sorry. but the way you put it just...made me see you in a different light, that's all. you couldn't have chosen a worse way to say it than the way that you did. and no, i don't see the morals behind it. because there are none. and you say that the thing was just your opinion. yeah, well, this is just my opinion, expressed the way you did.

and i guess that i'm a little more alone than i thought. so if i start crying or scream at the world, it's only because i don't understand why no one wants to hear the truth. and why people think that Christianity is "a joke." guess i should have realized...but whatever, my life was fine without people before, it'll be fine again.

This IS Me Calm

ok, annie, first of all, harry potter isn't even close to what Christians should be reading. you say that Christians never give the books a chance? well, i read the first two, and i see the seduction in them (see? i'm not perfect either). good for the Pope for saying that. the Catholics finally got something right. what the books also teach is that it's okay to use spells which the Bible SPECIFICALLY says is wrong!!!! (Isaiah 8:19, Deuteronomy 18:10-13) and i think that the Bible is a lot more truthful than some occultic book that is seducing the kids away from the truth. HOW CAN YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT GOD'S MIRACLES AND MAGIC SPELLS ARE EVEN RELATED!?!?!?!? you say that the Bible and harry potter are "pretty gosh darn close." well ya know what? Romans 1:25.

thanks Reeser for the encouragement. it really is what i needed to hear. one of my other friends also whopped me upside my head when i said that. i just didn't think that it would matter...and now i know that it does. which makes me feel so peaceful and happy, and i'm so glad that i have people who care.

One Reason

i bet that no one can give me one reason why i shouldn't kill myself.

To Kaida

Kaida, I'm not going to let you
Rip me apart!
Take your lies and burn.
I don't want the 'life' you give
And I don't want the shame
Because I remember you
All too well.
Kaida, your whispers are so soft
But that's how it started last time
I will not be pulled back.
If you think that I am so weak
As to be sucked in by desires,
Then my life has never meant anything.
But you know I am more than that
I have only one last thing to say:
Burn it into what's left of your soul,
I will never give in
I will never give up
Begone.

Admit

well, i WAS going to write about prom, but it all came out sounding really bad, and when i say that it was bad, then it was seriously messed up. but whatever. i guess i'm not really in a funny mood to write about stuff like that. i admitted something to someone and now i can't talk about it because i'm too afraid. and i know that it would be good for me to talk about it. but i can't. i just can't. what happened showed me that i'm not ever going to be normal and happy and healthy like everyone else. i guess i kinda still wanted that in some minute way. and now i know that i can never have that. and i could cry about it, but what's the point? tears wouldn't change anything. i know what would change it, talking. but that makes me think of something else, and i will NEVER go back to it! never.

joy, i'm being kicked off the computer.

What We Have Become

Is it wrong to want a friend?
Is it bad to want to have
Someone around who understands?
But then the question is
Does anyone really understand?
Is it wrong to want the answer
to be yes?
Is it wrong to want to talk
With someone who knows?
Please, couldn't the answer be no?
But it's so hard to find someone
Who can help and believe
Becuase there's so many out there
Who are lucky.
If someone's never lived with pain
And kept a secret in shame
Why should they pretend to be
One of us?
Because we live in the alleys,
In the dark, in the slums
And when we try to show what we used to be
All they see is
What we have become...



Someone reminded me of this poem and i went and dug it up. (isn't that nice? you've been promoted from Her to Someone!) but i guess this is kinda what i've felt lately too. alone and isolated cuz i didn't think that anyone would listen to me, and if they did, then they would hear the wrong things (ahem, like my parents...). no one seemed to listen to me asking for help, it all just came to them as me being a b-brat. (ha! i used a different word!) so i kept it inside. and despite what my dad says, it's not possible to always restrain yourself, or always focus the emotional flood on one target. sometimes it just explodes from within and then you gotta heal from it and help heal anyone who was around at the time. *thoughts to Error404* keeping it always inside makes me feel helpless and hopeless and i can't stand that. guess that's why i have a blog, to make sure that i don't keep everything hidden. (although it's easier when no one know's who i am, ANNIE! PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!)


P.S. my next post will concern me making fun of the prom. if this might offend you, that's too bad.

P.P.S. Annie, your poems are TOO really awesome and you can too rhyme really well!!!

Bad Annie!

annie, i for real am gonna kill u! jk. at least she's not harassing you! just wait until your b-day and then we'll see who's laughing...

well, i successfully no longer want to kill myself all the time. which i'm assuming is good. now it's just refusing to be self-destructive. guess i kinda fell back a ways and started all that again. but it's getting better. what's pulling me out is the fact that someone i know needs to be prayed for. really bad. and i want to help her. but i couldn't help if i was trapped back in the dark times. so, yeah, i'm gonna blame her for making me want to live. but i guess that's a good thing to be blamed for.

one of these days i'm gonna figure out how to change the colours on here...

Calling

Scream into the darkness.
The voices lie with sweet words
Those words are reality.
Taking the heart from me
Turn into a creature of rage
When I scream into the darkness.
Get trapped by the chains
And smoke fills my lungs
I'm going to choke and die
On those lies.
But I scream into the darkness.
Feel the red mist falling
Don't know why I shouldn't die
Except that I can hear You calling...

Once Now

...I could have touched the sky...


Hide from the clouds
The young chase the rainbows
Grow up, Moon-catcher
Thunder in my heart, hot and grey
Rain drops falling from my eyes
The young play with stardust
Grow up, watch the sunrise
Just wish for wings
But don't brush the clouds


...I could have touched the sky...




hmm, i think it sounds like i'm stoned. (and Reeser, you're so lucky that you get out of high school!!!) and, woohoo, i'm getting a job. at walmart. shoot me now.

Eternal Love

For one such as I
How could there be so much love?
When I have wasted my life
Hiding behind lies that I fed to myself
In arrogance I shamed myself
And told myself that I deserved better.
But I missed the love waiting
Even when I touched it years ago
I refused to let myself go
Sentencing myself to a life of misery.
And in my darkness and hate
I pushed away the only one who could save me
So why now am I loved?
In His eternal mercy I have been redeemed
All the pain cleared away
And when I pray I can feel Him holding me.
I struggle each time to hold back the tears
To stop the screaming in my heart.
Why should I be so loved
When I have touched the darkness and fallen?
When I refused His love and peace?
For each of us He has a plan
And His eternal love.




my computer's busted. which is not cool. and it's not that i take the quizes that seriously, but when i feel that they might be true, i just look inside myself to see why i think that....

Black as...

uhhh, please forgive the uhhh, third to last word. sorry, jpg image and i can't edit it.

hits a little close to home. just a little. just a lot. sometimes those quizzes really do show you something and make you look at the truth. and it hurts. a lot...

What Color is Your Heart?

Let Alone

i kinda just liked the pic. may take a minute to load (or maybe it won't load at all, just let me know if the crazy word it says is bad. it's something like eien? or whatever). reminds me of how my day went. ya know, everyone shut up and leave me alone while i listen to my depressing music that you have never heard of. (actually, some people probably have and then left them alone, does Skillet ring a bell?) anyways, i've kinda been thinking about suicide since that girl died. had a run-in with one of her friends. guess someone who didn't like me much said that i said something terrible (how could i? i was crying too much to say anything really painful. although i did tell one of my friends what i heard...keep asking myself if i really DID say something bad, but i dunno anymore) the chick really wasn't angry, just hurt and scared. and i was fine with her taking her frustration out on me. kinda used to it. denied saying anything bad of course. i won't take the blame for something i didn't do. wrote a poem about it. guess that's how i keep myself from self destructing. not that it works all the time. but hey, whatever. so uh, here it is...

Maybe we're all just born to die
And maybe we'll make no difference at all
But maybe that doesn't matter
Maybe nothing matters
So what if a world ends?
Who's going to notice?
Maybe no one
Maybe someone
Maybe they'll live in our memories
Maybe not
But why should we live
If we leave nothing behind?

I wish you could have found something better
And I wish you could have gone on
And yeah, life sucks
We got your point
Most of us understand
We just wish it hadn't ended this way
And I didn't even know you
But somehow that doesn't matter
I still wish you had gotten
Something better.

What type of teenager are you?

Ouch

all right, it was a stupid and immature question. i just heard it somewhere before and thought it was kinda funny. so i'm immature, what else is new? and i never said that the car was moving. hey, don't tell PITA, they'll come after me. (certainly considering one of the games i have for my xbox...) i'm usually really nice to animals!! (does this sound like begging?)

Anyway, my dad scared me beyond belief yesterday. we were just sorta talking and suddenly he says "one of your friends killed herself." and there i am like whoah, where did that come from and what the ---- does he mean? (yes, one of the few occasions that i swore in my mind) so i'm sitting in front of my computer kinda in tears and he can't remember the name. which kinda pushed me over the edge and i started yelling at him about his stereotypic attitude when it came to teenagers and he started yelling that the reason no one listens to us is because of our rotten attitudes towards our parents and that it's breaking the "Thou shalt honour thy father and thy mother" commandment if we don't want our parents around all the time (funny how when i was 6 it didn't break that commandment if i didn't want my parents there with my friends...). and finally my mom got home from work and it turns out that i don't even know the girl, they just thought that since she went to my school and was in the same grade that i'd know her. there are 600 students in my grade. so basically they think that i know everyone even though i'm like the outcast and i talk to all of three people at school. anyways, after i managed to calm down and stop being anger, i started playing tetris on my computer and listening to Kutless, and i basically break down and start crying and i'm thinking, why was i saved and not that other girl? why did she really go through with it? why didn't i? how could the Lord let this happen to a 16 year old girl with her whole life in front of her? and why was i saved and not her? and i couldn't stop thinking like that for the whole cd and i was trying not to let anyone know that it ripped me up inside when i heard that. i really thought that it was one of my friends. (one of them tried to kill herself before and that kinda...well, if it's like this for a chick i don't know, then you can imagine for someone that i do) i guess it just kinda scared me because i know that girl could have been me. and then my mom made fun of the way she went. she turned on a gas stove, took lots of pills, slit her wrists, and shot herself. and it hurt me more when my mom made fun of her. i better stop typing before i start crying again.

and to not end in this mood because i don't think i can bear that, here's another really immature questions: what was the best thing before sliced bread?

Return of the Dentist

fun times. i just went to the dentist today and got two of my teeth filled. they even stuck needles into me to numb it, too bad that i could feel that. not that i was supposed to. i really hate going to the dentist. something to do with having my wisdom teeth pulled out during the summer and being so drugged that i couldn't even think straight.

the execution thingy just sorta amused me becuase we use it to mean to kill something and to complete something. but i guess that means pretty much the same thing. maybe i should start thinking before i randomly post things that sound like i'm stoned or something.

and for my next brilliant question: if you throw a cat out a car window, is that kitty litter?

Hey! I'm Back!

i was sick for like all last week so i didn't have to go to skool. and before that i was slightly depressed and couldn't think of anything to say. but i'm better. read the diary of a friend and that kinda cheered me up. she's a good poet, even though she says that she can't write. whatever.

sudden thought: why is it that when we have a good idea, we execute it?

Popcorn and Parents

well, next week should get interesting. stupid EOC thing messing the whole schedule up and i don't even have to take it! but that's just how it goes. maybe i can make it through seminar without actaully killing my teahcer. hmmm.....i doubt it. she is absoulutly insane....always blaming other people for talking over her when they were the one talking first. and she makes fun of students for no reason. not as bad as that english teahcer lady that has to talk to us like we're kindergarteners.

parents can make me so mad sometimes. like my mother. she doesn't try to get along with my dad when he's angry or upset or anything. she just starts yelling back. which i can totally understand becuase i've done the same thing. but this is different becuase then i'm dragged into the middle to repeat what one said to the other and if i don't make them both happy with what i say, then my life is an unending hell until they get over it. i don't think that they even realise that they're doing it either. i'm just sorta here to do the chores and that's it. and the excuse they use for that is that they "training me to be the perfect house wife." yeah, and that would require me to want to get married. and with the way my life has gone in observing married couples, that's the last thing that i'd ever want to do.

it has come to my attention that some people call me a goth. i'm not. that would require me to wear makeup and jewlery. and there is about a 0% chance of that happening.

i don't feel very deep today. just sorta coasting along and letting the flow of life take me wherever. maybe i'll end up in someplace like the Bahamas....well, i can hope. i think that i'm finally seeing the light and what i'm doing wrong. or maybe that it's just the next stage in growing up. i dunno. or maybe it's because i've been refusing myself popcorn and i'm trying to convince myself to reward me. i think the last one sounds most likely.

Mental Health

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:

-- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

-- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

-- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

-- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

-- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

-- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

-- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

-- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

-- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

-- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

-- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

-- If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

-- If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

-- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

-- If you are blonde, please don’t press any buttons. You’ll just screw it up.

Sorry to Reeser, but i couldn't stop laughing at this so i had to post it. and seriously, anything this funny has to be posted anyway...sorry again.

Death of Progress

yeah, here i am. finally got the DSL back. whatever

i have no reason to feel this way. there is no reason for me to feel this depressed and sad. nothing traumatic has happend to me, nothing that i am really that worried about. so why do i feel like this? why can't i be normal like everyone insists that i am? and why do i have to keep pretending to be something i'm not when it's really obvious to someone else that i'm just a fake? and while i'm whining about this, why do i have to be so rude to some people?

alright, now that i'm done whining, maybe i can move on a little. or not. teachers have it in for me. they wait until the week of contest and then pile on the homework and projects. and that's enough on that topic. hmmm, what was it... Little R? yeah, that sounds right. dude, what is up? sorry about bugging you to death to find out what was wrong....(yeah, i feel guilty, alright?!?) just a little concerned for you sometimes. i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid.

what i want to say can't really be said, it can only be felt, and i wouldn't wish that on anyone. enough of cutting myself down. i admit that i'm messed up and that i need help. now that i've done that, shouldn't i get better? somehow, all the progress i made just slipped from my fingers and i'm back to where i was. back to barely resisting the voices in my head that call for my blood. and my grades show that drop. show that i'm not being able to keep going. it's kinda scary, when i look at it from a rational point of view. but then, i'm rarely rational. i guess i just want to talk about stuff with someone who understands and won't make fun of me. maybe i'm delusional, but i thought that i'd found someone like that. but being her friend means ripping apart another friendship that i've had for a while. the one holding me down. maybe that suppression is what i need. maybe not. i don't know anymore.