Operation Poke, Day 9

after arriving in the wilderness, i managed to find a small oasis away from any wildlife and other predators. however, in only ten minutes i spotted that horrible terror known as the Pokel Beast. it entered the wilds and stopped to smell the wind, glancing around the other creatures and searching the area for it's prey. not spotting anything poke-able, it wandered down a well worn path to it's lair away from lair. i, being the trained explorer that i am, ducked and covered in the oasis and hoped that it hadn't seen me. the Pokel Beast is vicious when provoked, almost impossible to get rid of, and very easily injured. sending one mean look it's way may cause it to have a hernia and die. i do not believe in destroying the surrounding wildlife, no matter how annoying it may be.

anyway, the rest of the day i didn't spot the Pokel Beast or any of her minions. wait, that's not true. the PolyGamer was huddled down next to the planned entertainment at 11:45. it appeared to be absorbed in watching that most wondermous of games. the one, the only, Halo 2. however, i did not try to avoid this creature, for it doesn't cause any harm to any other wildlife (barring rocket launchers, of course). i approached the absorbed beasts, noting how they had managed a three way system link. like the Flood, they too seem to learn quickly.

over all, Day 9 was not a risky operation. Day 10 has the possibility though. Day 10 of Operation Poke begins at 7:30 AM CST on Tuesday, May 31. tune in next time to find out if i'm poked to death or if i manage to conquer the horrible Pokel Beast.

Silence and Isolation

As if it all wasn't quiet enough before
What I cannot stop myself from doing
This self-imposed silence
Self-imposed isolation
I let it enter my heart
And rip everything to ribbons
So I taste the pain of nothing
And nothing interprets all to numb
My punishment, I no longer care
No longer feel
But my conscience still speaks
In words too hot to understand
But I do understand
I understand everything it says
(Over the years I've gotten good at hiding)
Words no longer mean communication
I'll speak in looks and motion
And whatever's trapped inside will not be free
So no one could trace it back to my prison
The one place where I'm the most happy
Behind bars and plunged in darkness
(The prison keeper never sleeps)
And I will never have the chance to run
From the inner things I keep denying
(Kaida, stop making it hurt so much)
And I know this is something I've never told you
Because I live in my self-imposed silence
But everything really does hurt me
No matter how much I pretend it doesn't
(I'm only saying this because i'm afraid to be alone)
Damn it all
Self-imposed isolation...

Exit Stage Whatever-leaves-this-place

and we have four more days of school!!!! wooooohoooooo! no more sitting in seminar with the Queen of *insert bad word here.* no more dealing with annoying leeches that can't take hints! no more lectures, notes, and homework! yessssss! i personally consider it a victory that i still have snatches of sanity left right now. especially after the dissection. that was fun...we poped the eyeball. and the brains were mush. and my group had like the best pig and we named it Wilbur (although it happened to be a girl...). and i never have to go to algebra again after tomorrow! yeahhhh! (if you can't tell, i happen to be jumping for joy) oh, yeah, after about a week and a half, i have successfully beaten Halo and Halo2. (Halo2 took about 4 days) has anyone ever noticed how theraputic shooting aliens with plasma pistols is? how about rocket launchers? or maybe....shooting down banshees and the like....sorry, my Halo brain kicked in. and i can't wait for Halo3!!!!!!!!

Distortion

perhaps i have been seeing everything through a shade of black. but i don't feel like it's a box. i see a hole that i cannot avoid. that always manages to drag me down and back into the everlasting night. and that may sound a little poetic (so sue me, i'm a poet) but it really describes it for me. sometimes i'm so afraid that i'll never get back...and i so much want to be in the light. but i can't seem to keep from going there. something always happens to get me down. but recently i've been okay. right up until now. something happened between two of my friends. one (whom i shall call Trista) has given a valiant effort to be nice to my other friend (whom i shall call Allisen). but "Allisen" hsn't even tried to be civil. she even hurt "Trista" physically, sure she said she was sorry, but she wasn't really and that was obvious. the obvious answer is to ditch "Allisen" and all that. too bad that i can't convince my mind to do that. the problem is, "Allisen" has been my friend for almost three years now. and "Trista" has been my friend for like, six months? and to make the problem even more interesting, i feel exceptionally closer to "Trista" than to "Allisen." i mean, "Allisen" has never actually been there for me, never actually understood me or anything. but "Trista" has. well, i guess there's my answer.

Such a failure
Is it really my consience
Or my own follish desire?
I can't even talk in a group
Or just let myself go
Because these questions pound
Through my head
And make me wish I was dead.
I can't sort out what's right
I know what she did
How she isn't sorry like she said.
And I know my loyalty will be
The downfall of me
And someday I'll regret this yet...
But how can I let her do that
To someone I consider a friend?
How could I face myself
After this all ends
If I stuck by what's wrong?
But the options are both bleak
And I'm scared to choose
Because what if I make the wrong decision
And we all lose?

Soon

Allow me one last chance
To say goodbye
And I promise that soon
There'll be no more tears in my eyes
So give me just this chance
To make it right
And I will, I will, I will
Make it all end

Descriptions

if you had to choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be?
currently, unhinged
how about one phrase?
effective- crazy, unhinged, and borderline psychotic- but effective, none the less
what colour do you think of yourself as?
grey
and what emotion does that colour make you think of?
regretful and tearful
what key would your song be in, majour or minour?
minour
what exactly do you think of haiku?
a challenge, but a little too structered for me

and yes, i would really like everyone to answer this. it doesn't just help other people to know you, but you end up knowing something more of yourself. and no one will make fun of anyone else, so no worries. that is if ya'll want to. (just for you, annie, you seem to say ya'll a lot)

*NOTE*
haiku is a form of poetry (yes, probably originating in Japan) that consists of three lines, usually with a 5-7-5 set up, sometimes varrying to 5-6-5. <---just because The Blonde One doesn't seem to know this, even though she's actually written it before, not that she remembers that...

Mariposa

Mariposa, could you dance?
Fluttering in your dress of silk
Don't just watch fromt the side
Mariposa, don't cry.
Remember that you can fly
Lift your wings, Mariposa
Touch the stars and moon
The dream that called you is here
But if you don't dance,
Never take the chance, Mariposa,
How will you ever know?
Just because you've been rejected
It doesn't mean you're nothing.
Mariposa, you are beautiful
But if you let your wings be broken
You cannot be all that you are
So Mariposa, touch the stars
And the wind will guide you.
As it flutters your dress of silk
Don't just watch from the side, Mariposa
When will you dance?

I Swear, One More Word...

Just because I'm not obsessed
With watching guys and makeup
Doesn't mean I don't feel like all girls.
And sure, sometimes I watch guys
But I'm not filling my life with that
Because I have more important things
To do with my time
Than worry about my hair and clothes
And what that dude over there thinks.
I wish people would stop assuming
That I'm gay because I don't flirt
And drool over all the guys.
It's not that I don't like them
Nah, it's not that at all
But I don't want to waste my time on
Those trivial and distracting thoughts
When I could be writing or playing music.
And because I don't waste this time
I come up with so much
(It's easier to listen to God when I can
Think Straight)
And I just don't want to allow myself
To open up to any emotions
Because that might make me feel
NORMAL
(And you know we can't have that)

Help and Suspicion

i don't think that it's wrong to want help. but i keep getting told that the people i know can't help me. and i dunno if that means that i'm so far gone that they can't, or that they're just incapabale of it, or that the people i know are not mature enough to. and i do try to help the people that i know. but for some reason it's like i must be isolated from them. sure, i can help them, but if they try to help me, then it's evil. and i'm sick of being the way that i am. i don't want to spend the rest of my life curled up inside my shell and fearing people. and yes, my friends have been helping me. for one thing, i've opened up more, and i can talk to complete strangers and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. but i'm told that it's wrong for them to help me, that they can't. so is it wrong to want help? i'm tired of crying and hiding. if it's wrong to want help, then i don't see the point...of having friends, or talking to anyone, or even just being on Earth.

and i'm sick of being held in such suspicion. i mean, i'm basically a good person. and my parents seem to think only the worst of me. like if i'd been skipping school (i was recently questioned on that), or if i secretly have a boyfriend and if i'm still a virgin, or if i'm telling the truth about my friends. geez, if they don't know me by now, i might as well give up trying to make them understand. i just can't believe some of the things that i'm being questioned over. it's like, i turned into a complete stranger overnight. and now they don't even seem to know me. and they keep pushing me away. man, it just hurts, a lot. and i wrote a poem about it, but i'm kinda freaked out about putting it on here cuz it has so much of me in it...and what i've been feeling...

Dead Leaves

thanx, lost in reason, now you've gotten me started on that writer's psychoanylitical thingy i'd gotten out of. (i can't decide if that's sarcasm or not) but hey, if it gets me writing again, i'll go with it. and for some reason, it's all haiku... great. i don't like haiku cuz it's so structered (but i've been working on vilanelles so whatever). hmmm, what was the question? what do i think of when a dead leaf blows across my path? well, autumn, frost, isolation, loneliness, pain (don't ask), death i suppose. lots really, depends on my state of mind at the moment. and what does everyone else think when they see a dead leaf? i'd really like to know. it's a good question (for obvious reasons). hmm, there is no death without life...

lately i've been on a nature high. which, before anyone thinks i've been smoking grass *ahem*, means that nature and the natural world has been on my mind instead of the usual introspection (the links for annie, and yeah, that was an insult...). and of course the nature i think of is autumn (cuz fall is such an unpoetic word, i know, i know, i'm such a romantic uh, just for those of you who have no idea what that's referring to) and winter. alright, here's the part where i give lease to my inner poet:

Whispers of the wind will touch my hair
And I'll visit you in the morning
Taste the autumn chill on the air
I wonder where I'll be going

anyways, i took an AP test that i absolutley failed yesterday. it was, of course, in my worst class, history. i pretty much gave up halfway through. i mean, it's not like i quit or anything (other people just wrote that they wouldn't write the essays and they didn't even try on the multiple choice) but i kinda just felt like it didn't matter anymore, ya know, that light headed feeling and nothing makes any difference, especially not school work. but i did enough to at least pass if they use a curve... which of course they won't cuz they hate us all and are planning on taking over the world one student at a time. or maybe that's just me.

in biology we get to dissect fetal (yes, again for annie) pigs. so since every other class has gotten to do it before us, and we still won't until friday, i smelled like the room and everyone else in biology: formaldehyde. which isn't really that bad, kinda like paint thinner. but i think that some of the chicks are gonna have problems with it cuz the pigs are pretty big, like just about to be born. and all i can think of is bacon. (i'm kidding! i'm kidding!) it's not that it bothers me, but i mean, we're gonna have to keep them around for two days. i think they might start smelling funny. like the stink bombs that the guys can't resist setting off in their lockers. except those are more sulfur and the...well, never mind, it's not like i'd know what something dead smells like *cough cough*.

Pyromania: Die By Fire

Have you ever wanted to die by fire?
Sit in the burning house
Smoke creeps in teh room
Flames in a circle
And everywhere the heat
Orange and yellow fear
Spread arms to catch the fire
Twisting up the body
Start to scream in pain
Laugh and cry behind the wall
Flames leap higher
Have you ever wanted to die by fire?

Shattered

Shattered, a picture of my life
And maybe it'll rain
But until then I'll watch the reflections
That show me the clouds
In shades of blue and black
I explode into a mirror shower
That rains pain down
Feel the wind, blowing coldness
But the air is so warm all around
And when the pieces hit the ground
No one will notice except me
That the mirror reflects back the clouds
As they are covered with rain drops
I'll bend to touch the pieces
And I'll cut my hand
So I'll drown slowly in a world of grey
Because the rain flooded me inside
And the last bit of colour you'll see of me
Will be the red of blood
On my hand.


the pics are links, yo

Blind?

no, my eyes have never been more open. but i don't want to get into an argument about it. explain the morals to me, i just don't see them. at all. and when i said that i saw you in a different light, i meant it. yeah, i know that you're the same person, but i guess...geez, like i said i don't want to get into an argument. does the word mainstream mean anything to you? and i know that harry potter is interesting and cool, but...i think that the one time i fell was enough. and reading that was kinda how it started. don't ask, alright? i've been on a downward spiral since i was five. and things were just starting to look up. just, let me fool myself for a while longer. man, i've never felt more alone than in a room full of people that i know.

Tears of the Future

yeah, that was my previous blog's title. and that's the way the future looks. annie, WHAT MORALS GO WITH APPROVING OF LYING AND DECEIT AND WITCHCRAFT??? i already gave scripture for that. i don't know wether i should cry or scream. it's not funny and it's not okay. and sure, there are plenty of other books, but which of them are as recognized world wide as harry potter? it's not that i would resort to...geez annie, i'm not an evil psycho maniac who has nothing better to do than yell at people. i guess it's more my fault cuz i never told you about this before. and i should have. sorry. but the way you put it just...made me see you in a different light, that's all. you couldn't have chosen a worse way to say it than the way that you did. and no, i don't see the morals behind it. because there are none. and you say that the thing was just your opinion. yeah, well, this is just my opinion, expressed the way you did.

and i guess that i'm a little more alone than i thought. so if i start crying or scream at the world, it's only because i don't understand why no one wants to hear the truth. and why people think that Christianity is "a joke." guess i should have realized...but whatever, my life was fine without people before, it'll be fine again.

This IS Me Calm

ok, annie, first of all, harry potter isn't even close to what Christians should be reading. you say that Christians never give the books a chance? well, i read the first two, and i see the seduction in them (see? i'm not perfect either). good for the Pope for saying that. the Catholics finally got something right. what the books also teach is that it's okay to use spells which the Bible SPECIFICALLY says is wrong!!!! (Isaiah 8:19, Deuteronomy 18:10-13) and i think that the Bible is a lot more truthful than some occultic book that is seducing the kids away from the truth. HOW CAN YOU EVEN SUGGEST THAT GOD'S MIRACLES AND MAGIC SPELLS ARE EVEN RELATED!?!?!?!? you say that the Bible and harry potter are "pretty gosh darn close." well ya know what? Romans 1:25.

thanks Reeser for the encouragement. it really is what i needed to hear. one of my other friends also whopped me upside my head when i said that. i just didn't think that it would matter...and now i know that it does. which makes me feel so peaceful and happy, and i'm so glad that i have people who care.

One Reason

i bet that no one can give me one reason why i shouldn't kill myself.

To Kaida

Kaida, I'm not going to let you
Rip me apart!
Take your lies and burn.
I don't want the 'life' you give
And I don't want the shame
Because I remember you
All too well.
Kaida, your whispers are so soft
But that's how it started last time
I will not be pulled back.
If you think that I am so weak
As to be sucked in by desires,
Then my life has never meant anything.
But you know I am more than that
I have only one last thing to say:
Burn it into what's left of your soul,
I will never give in
I will never give up
Begone.

Admit

well, i WAS going to write about prom, but it all came out sounding really bad, and when i say that it was bad, then it was seriously messed up. but whatever. i guess i'm not really in a funny mood to write about stuff like that. i admitted something to someone and now i can't talk about it because i'm too afraid. and i know that it would be good for me to talk about it. but i can't. i just can't. what happened showed me that i'm not ever going to be normal and happy and healthy like everyone else. i guess i kinda still wanted that in some minute way. and now i know that i can never have that. and i could cry about it, but what's the point? tears wouldn't change anything. i know what would change it, talking. but that makes me think of something else, and i will NEVER go back to it! never.

joy, i'm being kicked off the computer.

What We Have Become

Is it wrong to want a friend?
Is it bad to want to have
Someone around who understands?
But then the question is
Does anyone really understand?
Is it wrong to want the answer
to be yes?
Is it wrong to want to talk
With someone who knows?
Please, couldn't the answer be no?
But it's so hard to find someone
Who can help and believe
Becuase there's so many out there
Who are lucky.
If someone's never lived with pain
And kept a secret in shame
Why should they pretend to be
One of us?
Because we live in the alleys,
In the dark, in the slums
And when we try to show what we used to be
All they see is
What we have become...



Someone reminded me of this poem and i went and dug it up. (isn't that nice? you've been promoted from Her to Someone!) but i guess this is kinda what i've felt lately too. alone and isolated cuz i didn't think that anyone would listen to me, and if they did, then they would hear the wrong things (ahem, like my parents...). no one seemed to listen to me asking for help, it all just came to them as me being a b-brat. (ha! i used a different word!) so i kept it inside. and despite what my dad says, it's not possible to always restrain yourself, or always focus the emotional flood on one target. sometimes it just explodes from within and then you gotta heal from it and help heal anyone who was around at the time. *thoughts to Error404* keeping it always inside makes me feel helpless and hopeless and i can't stand that. guess that's why i have a blog, to make sure that i don't keep everything hidden. (although it's easier when no one know's who i am, ANNIE! PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!)


P.S. my next post will concern me making fun of the prom. if this might offend you, that's too bad.

P.P.S. Annie, your poems are TOO really awesome and you can too rhyme really well!!!

Bad Annie!

annie, i for real am gonna kill u! jk. at least she's not harassing you! just wait until your b-day and then we'll see who's laughing...

well, i successfully no longer want to kill myself all the time. which i'm assuming is good. now it's just refusing to be self-destructive. guess i kinda fell back a ways and started all that again. but it's getting better. what's pulling me out is the fact that someone i know needs to be prayed for. really bad. and i want to help her. but i couldn't help if i was trapped back in the dark times. so, yeah, i'm gonna blame her for making me want to live. but i guess that's a good thing to be blamed for.

one of these days i'm gonna figure out how to change the colours on here...