Hiding

The thing about hiding is that you sacrifice parts of yourself to do it. You tell yourself It's what I want, really, I just don't want to go out right now. I can later, just not now. And then it starts to spread to other parts of your life. Oh, I just won't check my messages for a little. I won't answer my email tonight, I'll get it tomorrow. I don't need to make a post. And then suddenly it's been three months and no one has heard from you.

And the sacrifice part? It's not like I was writing a whole lot in those three months when I went offline. Oh, sure, for the first week, when I wasn't constantly thinking about something to post, it was relaxing. A relief, even. And then I just stopped thinking about it all together, and I felt lazy and lethargic and apathetic. Which is all very well and good when it only lasts a few days, but this is months. Seriously.

So I started writing again, on anything handy. Like back in high school. I've got all these little scraps of receipt paper and napkins laying around now with random poetry on them. I am both amused and disgusted.

I mean, I have a perfectly good internet now, I don't need to litter so much :P


Said one hand to the other:
"Pray, let us again relive our youth,
Let us crush the walls before us
Laying waste to those who dare defy."
Said one hand to the other:
"Pray, let us touch the sky."

It was a long way down and it's a longer way back up again.

Ten Fading Fires

I.
So tell me who I should be,
Since everyone seems to know
Except me.
Give me something static to grasp
Between shaking hands
While I walk up and down your burning streets,
The filthy gutter water on my feet,
And your sweet homes now ashes in my throat.

II.
Tell me, what lie will sustain you at the end
When, born in darkness,
Another echo emerges from the gaping wound
Like a hydra with a fetish for flesh.

III.
Suddenly, it's just me again
As though it never ended.

IV.
If you never ask I will never tell,
And all those pesky secrets
Will never have to bother your vapid mind.

V.
Another cupcake for the heathen!

VI.
Until next time, you clueless whore,
Take me for granted once more,
Take me at face value and learn the truth.

VII.
Another scar for the dunce on the web!
Ladies and gentlemen,
He's down for the count!
Now watch as he gets his stupid ass
Counted out.

VIII.
You know who you are:
Take it from me,
You don't have what it takes
To take it from me.

IX.
Ice in my veins
Fire on my tongue

X.
I always have the final word.

Invidious

"Faceless fallacies,"
She said
With a heart full of
Spiderwebs.
"It's the cupboard in the attic
Beside the rotten bed."

Tomorrow is golden,
Painting pure:

"Such a mocking masquerade,"
Said the demon from the drawer.

Right and Left

IT'S NOT LOVE
I'M LOOKING FOR

Come to terms with a different sound
It's not
A violent gushing of blood
From a broken heart

It's not my missing part

I don't want flowers and wine and chocolate
Silken sheets and music

I'm not looking for a knight
A prince
A prophet

I just want someone a little more...

Dominant.

This Is Screaming

Static ringing
Say

Bells bells bells

I hear voices in my head
The sun rising
Rising

I've got a rhythm to meet

It's coming
A long time
A LONG TIME

She said

I almost don't want to hold it together anymore
Just start screaming
Until heaven

WHISPERS AWAY

Static building into a sweet
Lullaby
To fall to sleep to

And inside

INSIDE SHE SAID

Is where I can't hold on anymore
I don't want to have to deal with this
Except
EXCEPTION

I have to
Or I lose something

PRECIOUS

Sad Little Life

You've got the whole world,
Don't you,
In a pocket of your too-tight jeans.
One day you plucked it from space
And tucked it away,
Someplace where everyone would bend to you
With meekness on their face.
Such big blue eyes that you hide behind,
And I tell you now
They're full of pride,
Full of desperation, right?
To find someone who will love you
Regardless of yourself
In spite of yourself
Because of yourself.
And everyone you push away with the way you act
Is just another notch you'll remember
When you grow up
And look back, dreaming,
On something that could have been full,
But was empty.
You don't want pity or compassion
But you want us to respect you without emotion.
Vanity sealed upon your heart,
A desperation
A DESPERATION
Tearing the world apart.
You act like you've never had someone stand
Against your anger
Before your wrath,
And I'm here to tell you that I am
DIFFERENT
Because I won't let you make me crawl
Before someone who has the world enthralled.

Fourth Virtue

It's like saying the moon is purple,
A rich little lie
Whispered into the night.
Am I a hypocrite?
For wanting things to be alright,
For respecting life,
For protecting what's mine?
I depend on the safety
Of the societal norm
To keep me sheltered and
Keep me alone.

Why shouldn't we trust another's words?

If they say that they're good,
If they say that we should?
Society dictates we all have to lie
Just like the moon
Looking down from the sky.
And I guess when it comes to
Trusting someone new
I embrace the truth
That there is no truth
In someone who desperately wants
To know you.

Why shouldn't we trust another's words?

Because sometimes even if we could,
Even if everything seems as it should,
There's a feeling I get on the back of my
Tongue
And I've had it forever,
And I've had it so long,
That I trust what it says and I
Push them away,
Regardless of what pretty words they might say.
Because sometimes, as it turns out,
Society's not wrong
And sometimes, as it turns out,
The feeling's too strong.

I'm not giving in to a desperate plea
To stop defending myself
From people like me,
To just trust someone else
Without waiting it out,


Because sometimes people lie
And the moon is still white.

Deprivation

Petals, she says with a smile~

I am just a figment in a world
Undivided;
Unequipped to contain what should be free.
Since I am what everyone could be

Except...

Something in me is broken and
Fixing it?
Would mean facing a blinding light
In a sterile room.

"Recently that has seemed like the sane option,"
Says Lithium sweetly,
"Wouldn't it be nice?"
It would be, I can't deny

Except...

Who would I be when I came out?
"Who are you now?"
I am a patient blasphemy
In a world undivided
To hold people like me.

Petals, she says~
I've got to hold it together

Except...

I never sleep
And rock bottom always feels like this.


I'M NOT OKAY
But I don't know how to fix it.
I can't just LET GO

Petals~

I CAN'T LET GO AFTER ALL THIS
BECAUSE PRESSING ONE CIRCLE INTO MY THROAT
(means she'll choke)
Is admitting I am not good enough
Strong enough
Smart enough
Stable enough
To keep it together for the rest of them

PETALS, SHE SAYS~

Except...

I'm broken and I can't afford to haul my carcass
To the shop

One Long Rant

She's going to change who you are
Just to make her feel a little bit better
About losing

A mutual friend of Blue and I recently was broken up with by her long distance boyfriend of 3 years. Regardless of the fact that they are still deeply in love with each other. Regardless of the fact that this friend, let's call her

> NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY (and secrets to hold you while you sleep)

Jhanti, let's call her Jhanti, regardless of the fact that she has the highest libido of anyone I've ever known and has remained 100% faithful to him. He broke up with her and now she is

>Just like the rest of us

Devastated. She's devastated and distraught and looking for a way to make it not hurt so badly.

>GUESS WHAT, BITCH (it never stops)

I don't want to hate her because she is a girl, just a child, a year younger than I am, just an immature little DOLL, but I do hate her. I don't care. I can't make myself care. I shape my face in sympathy and empathy and a little bit of humour, but honestly I just hate her. I want her to shut up. I want her to

>GET OVER IT (like the rest of us)

To realize that he HARMED HER by cheating on her, by then breaking up with her, by just letting go. She holds him on a pedestal like a god while we mere mortals can neither slander nor remark on his radiance. I UNDERSTAND but it doesn't mean I have to like it more. I know it was different for me, with Aodhan. Not by a whole lot

>CHILDREN PLAYING AT CHILD'S GAMES (it was the most real thing i've ever had)

But it was still different. She doesn't see a bad guy in all this, and so trying to offer her a shoulder is...difficult.

>BLIND LEAD BY THE LOST (i only go so far)

She is a child, and she acts like a child, and she refuses to be anything other than a child because she was taught that, because she's got beauty and brains and a SWEET SMILE, she doesn't have to try as hard. She's got a prince SOMEWHERE, she's got a

>CHASM BETWEEN HER AND THE REST (like i did?)

Hope of getting out alive, but she doesn't try. We're always here for her, Blue and I, and all she wants to do is fight us. To tell us how wrong, how stupid, how lost we are without HER FUCKING GUIDANCE. She reminds me of my stepfather. HER WAY IS THE ONLY WAY, ALLAH BE PRAISED. The irony is, I escape much of her girly wrath by being a girl myself while Blue takes the brunt of it. I TALKED HIM DOWN from confronting her in anger. She DEFENDED HERSELF BY BEING A GIRL. I just want to SLAP HER sometimes because it's so STUPID. Being a girl is not a DEFENSE, it's a DISABILITY. It is a MAN'S world, and she has quoted that saying at me, 'Girls have to be as good as men and be able to do everything they can IN HEELS.' I don't even bother playing that game.

>I DON'T LOWER MYSELF TO THE SEX WARS (i don't have one to begin with)

I guess I just don't understand that desire, to be as a fucking girl all the time. To rely on those gender stereotypes of the helpless, hapless female. It is a man's world, I guess. She's a feminist, but she doesn't see how being that STEREOTYPE, that little girl, is completely DEFEATING HER PURPOSE. I don't play. I DON'T PLAY. I am strong and smart and geeky and I earn respect by being me, by not playing, by not being a DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. By not being a bitch and relying on TYPICAL GIRL EXCUSES to cover for me.

She thinks the world revolves around her and she can do no wrong and she is always right. I'M SICK OF BEING THE MEDIATOR. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE. But I am left with no choice in the matter. If I don't hold it down, hold it together, it's going to explode and fall apart and I'm not going to be in the middle of that bullshit again (a la Annie).

>IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO (or nine)

Blue isn't blameless either. He provokes her and there's only SO MUCH I CAN HEAL AND MAKE EXCUSES FOR before there aren't enough words left to cover. There's only so much I can do. And I probably shouldn't cover for either one of them, but they are both CHILDREN, and if I don't help, they won't be able to do it by themselves (I've tried). He is ARROGANT and used to me. I am a very relaxed person and I listen and I accept that there are views other than my own. In other words, I BARELY RESEMBLE A GIRL. I don't know how to tell him that treating her like he treats me is GOING TO FAIL because she doesn't understand how to do it yet.

>WISDOM UNRELIANT (i am dead if they read this)

Also, dear anonymous, whoever the fuck you are. Either GROW A PAIR and leave your name with your comments or just GTFO. I have my comments set so that you never have to log in, create an account, or whatever. All you have to do is type your fucking name. If you don't feel that you can leave your fucking name, you don't have the right to wish me a happy birthday. If it is who I think it is, YOU HAVE MY FUCKING NUMBER, JUST SHOOT ME A TEXT. FUCK. IT WOULD BE LIKE NOT SIGNING YOUR NAME ON A CARD. THAT CARD DOESN'T MEAN SHIT.

>DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE REAL (when you obviously aren't)

Psychosomatic

Tessellations of the same old thing
Like
Raindrops on roses and
Girls in black dresses
Fragments of a time when the world still
Revolved
(You've got to know it's still going)
A crossing of mild destiny
Breathing out each second like it's the last.
Rising vultures,
Rising tides.
Tonight it's the same old thing
Like
Brown paper packages tied up with rope.
There's something off about the entire fiasco.
Suddenly
I'm not half the men I used to be;
There's a halfhearted whisper in the dark.
Owing bits and pieces to a culture
I was never a part of to begin with
Really takes the cake.

Which is a lie.

Unspoken

Silken secrets in flesh and blood,
A door
To another world eternal,
Yet in violence do we rot our breath,
In pitiless exile we rot our brethren.
Sun stealers on high, though, still,
One must be darkness to
Hold a light.
So, then, do we know truth?
Ashes tell us of fires past as bones
Shatter in empty corridors.
As many hands as could have held a locket
Says London bridge may be more than a
Song after all.
We are more than broken tile?
One wayward glance,
Lock-pick;
Thievery is in my blood
Hidden behind a door.

VVV

There's a specific reason
FOLLOWFOLLOWFOLLOW
You tore it up to build it down
Streets in rain
TORE IT UP
Down the stairs
capscapscaps
REFLECTION
dANCE wITH mE
I don't want it
I've got something you don't know :3
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater
HAD A WIFE AND COULDN'T KEEP HER
I want you to NOTICE
Not because I forced you
But because
YOU CAN
XD you don't have it
YOU DON'T HAVE IT
Shhhhh...
PANIC
Flip the switch
CAPSCAPSCAPS
Don't take me at face value
SHUTTER
SHUDDER
shake
faceFaceFACE
I want
I WANT
balance

BreakBreakBreak

Believe in something
Real:
Elastic fairy tales spoken by
Anyone blind enough to hear.
Kind words from a twisted mouth
(Bringer of sorrow)
Reminders of a distant truth
Empty and unclear. Tastes of
Aluminum and copper to
Kill the senses.
Breaking,
Return to the
Era of innocence
And fall down, fall down,
Kingdom for a locket.

Nine to Extinguish

I.
I came across you in a dark alley
In a dark city I found in the past.
You sell what lies beneath your silken shawl
But have nothing beneath your breast.
Truth thus told, I burned you down,
Burned the city to the ground,
Truth thus told, I fell to my knees

II.
Blessed insight to startled doves:
The sky is your cage
The clouds are your blood.

III.
Rhythm denying a sought for release
Rhymes stealing flames like thieves.
Not so tough, I have to dream,
Not so shoddy as I seem.
Not so wicked, not so vile;
Demons drag me back to my eternal exile.

IV.
BREAKBREAKBREAK

V.
From my knees I look into a sky denying,
From my knees I see angels crying.

VI.
Faceless demons with claws and fangs,
Hit the floor with blood grenades,
I take the hits, I drink the blood,
I wake up tomorrow in the mud.

VII.
Shudder to hear the sound of your voice,
Never had a choice,
Never sought the poison brew,
Never thought I'd leave you.

VIII.
FLASHFLASHFLASH

IX.
I rise from my knees and though I hear you
Beg and plead
I walk away and not once look back

FlashFlashFlash

Interlude played out with silken thread
Hushed audience awaiting a bitter end:

Who, then, will rise upon the stage?
Who, then, will dance upon the grave?

Such arrogance from velvet curtains falls
Like dust and cobwebs to coat the walls,

And touching home the blade to breast
Finally find eternal rest.

Theoretic

Separate disguises
One mask to coat them all,
Flimsy fallacy to fool the masses.
I was never meant to be,
Never meant to be myself.
Touching, isn't it,
The rise from two dimensions to three?
Something went wrong,
Guesses made,
Something let me become,
And here I am today.
How scandalous! To think
That I, a dark cover, could be
Anything other than a fallacy.


Man, writing a novel takes it out of you >.<

Happy Samhain

Ticker tape bandit
Sublime criminal, breath held
What water falls behind your eyes
True justice laid at my bedside
Pincushion poltergeists with rapid motion
Colourful swirls of ebony and white
The window lets them in from outside
Crossless facets of a blinding tune
Up comes down
This jar holds the moon
Behold the glory of a broken sound
Ticker tape bandit
Up comes down

Crisp

Because it's like
Eternal wandering.

"Autumn favouritism,"
She said.

It's stuck in my throat
But she just smiles
And walks away.

These trees are a tomb
For a wretched heart.
She's walking my grave.

"Ephemeral,"
She said.
She smiles as she turns.

"Walk with me,"
I whisper.

She pretends not to hear.

That's okay.
These trees are my tomb
And she'll be back,
She always is.
Autumn favouritism;
Bleeding brown.

It's never been so clear.

_________
Anonymous: Even though I don't know who you are, thanks.

Depth

Don't take me for granted:
I have a fetish for falling.
Below the surface
I'm not what you see,
I have a darkness inside me.
Take advantage,
It's all I need.
Redemption is a painful purity to seek.
Inside the mind
It's like floating on ashes,
Taken to places where I am free.
It's like drifting on cotton,
My legs give out under me.
I have a fetish for falling,
Darkness lulling me into blank dreams.

You Only Disappear

I'm going to share something very precious with you.



There was a turning point for me, when I was with Aodhan. There was one night, one dark night, where I discovered that I had to leave. I sat at my desk and sang along with this song for hours, crying. I can still taste the metal of the gun barrel that I had in my mouth at one point.

I sound like just another stupid kid, right? I know. But I have never known anything other than abuse, and that's hard to take.

Something harder, I regret leaving. Especially because he was...he was ill, and that's why he mistreated me. It doesn't excuse everything, but it explains it all. For the whole three people who actually read this, if you haven't visited this link yet, here it is. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to figure it out, and learn how to deal with it. I am bi-polar. I know how to fight, and how to counter, and how to hide. I have a firm hand on my emotions, a metal collar, and they only run rampant in my head and in my words. I wasn't strong enough to wait for him to get better.

That night showed me how little time I had left if I didn't leave. I couldn't control myself anymore. I couldn't keep that part of me quiet. I am not a weak person, I have never been, out of necessity. I was shattering, shattered, at that point. I'm hardly better now.

I've always lived with no regrets, but now I have one. I don't know how to take it. It feels natural, to regret, but at the same time, it feels like I should have been better all along. I should have known better than to love, I should have known better than to leave, I should have known better than to not pull the trigger.

I'm sorry for the depressing topics of my posts as of late. I'm using my blog as a confessional again, something I haven't done outright for years. I can't tell if it's because I'm trying to heal or I'm falling to pieces.

Every time I open myself to someone, even a little, I get burned. I have too many problems right now, too much pressure. Maybe that's why I keep confessing every time I open my mouth. Or rather, touch a keyboard. I don't want to be by myself forever, and right now it's the direction I'm headed in.



Armand: If I am merely symmetry for Emily's girlfriend, let me go now, before I hang on any longer. My patience, while infinite in the right circumstances, is wearing thin in this. I won't wait forever for you to figure out that, even though I am not a needy person, I do expect you to acknowledge my existence at least once a month.

How To

It's come to my attention that next to no one knows how to act in a fast food restaurant. Good thing I'm here to clear this mess up! I've worked in various fast food places and have just the experience needed to help you, your friends, your parents, and your children learn how, and how NOT, to act when frequenting a fast food joint.

1. DON'T BE AN IDIOT - This should go without saying, but sadly, it must be said. There's really no specifics involved here, just don't be a blathering dolt and you should be okay. Don't assume that you know more than the person who works there (exceptions apply), especially if they're explaining how something works. Don't be pushy, bossy, arrogant, or disrespectful. Remember, we're the ones handling your food in areas that you can't see.

2. DO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR CHILDREN - We sure as hell don't want them wandering behind the counter, wandering out the door into the parking lot, wandering into the bathrooms, or wandering into other people's food. It's not only annoying for us, it's also annoying for the other customers. We're not going to watch your kids. It's not our job. If they break something, guess who gets to buy it?! You do! Hooray! So keep track of the little buggers.

3. DO SHUT YOUR DAMN BABY UP - There is nothing worse than the resounding howl of an infant/toddler/small child, especially in a building that contains no carpet whatsoever. If they start crying, do something about it! We don't want to fucking hear it! Take them outside! Take them to the car! Who cares, get them out of the place! You know, it's fine, within reason, if your kid is having a fit, and you're attending to them. That's cool, we can wait. But for the love of all that is holy, if you're one of those parents who goes by the training method of 'ignore it and it'll stop,' DON'T BOTHER COMING IN. You're just annoying everyone around you, and you will eventually be asked to leave.

I cannot even begin to tell you how annoying it is having to listen to an idle parent's brat. I don't have kids because I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO THEM SHRIEKING LIKE A CRAZED HOWLER MONKEY when they don't get sprinkles. I shouldn't have to put up with 45 minutes worth of tantrum because you're too sorry of a parent to do anything about it. Or you don't have the balls. Or you've decided that your child is an angel and their demonic howling is quite angelic, in the right light. This is based on a true story. If I ever see this lady again I may go on a wild killing spree.

4. DON'T GO THROUGH DRIVE-THRU ON YOUR CELL - Why the fuck do you think you're so important that we should have to wait for you? If you're on your phone, pull off into the lot, finish your conversation, and then order. Or put the phone down while you order! But don't make us wait for you to finish finding out what happened on the latest episode of your favourite reality show.

It's also super rude to be on the phone when you get up to the window. I mean, you don't go up to the register on your phone, now do you. No, you sure as fuck don't. So why would you go up to the drive register on one? If we repeat your order back, and you're not listening, and then it's wrong, that's your own fucking fault.

5. DON'T BYPASS THE SPEAKER - Unless you are legally deaf, have trouble reading, or can't speak loudly enough for us to hear you, stop at the damn speaker! You are not king or queen of anything, you have to stop just like everyone else does! This goes back to not harassing the people who are handling your food. If you decide that you can do whatever you want, and pass the speaker, then that messes up all of our orders. Or if you don't trip the sensor at the speaker, you're going to be sitting at the window for a long damn time. We can't hear you honking. Don't bother.

6. DO ASK - For anything. Really. If you want your x kept in y, then ask! (For instance, ice cream kept in the freezer) If you want condiments or napkins or your receipt, ask! Don't expect us to be psychic. We have a certain amount of things we put in bags, and if you want more, then you're going to have to tell us. If you don't want your sundae to melt, we'd be more than happy to keep it in the freezer until the rest of your order is ready. If you don't ask, and then want it remade, you're making us waste product because you're too much of an imbecile to understand that ICE CREAM FUCKING MELTS. Also based on a true story.

7. DON'T BE AN IDIOT - I figured I should end here. Retouch on this point. We handle your food. We handle your food. Remember this. Meditate on it. Think about it next time you go into a fast food restaurant.

That is all.

Nomnomnom

Turns out that when I try to free write 1000 words, it turns into 4700. Who knew? In other news, I'm not entirely certain what to do with it now...or how it should end exactly. I kind of suck at endings when they're not super tragic. And I really wanted this one to not be super tragic. But the ending I have now bothers me. I wanted a concrete ending.

You know the ending to "The Tiger and the Princess"? Yeah, that's kind of what it is right now. I didn't even name my characters.

I confuse myself.

Also, I'm super exhausted. I've been writing for like...three or four hours (with distractions). Kinda buzzed. Should really sleep. Don't like sleeping, really.

I bet that the guy opened the tiger door.

Divergence

I stand at a crossroads every day. Every night. I stand in the middle of two choices, two options always, and I close my eyes and take one.

Flip a coin. Roll the dice.

Fractals. My endless oblivion of choosing life.

I have taken the high road. The low road. The road that leads to nowhere and the road that leads to change. I have put off making decisions and decided in haste. I have thought carefully and left it to fate.

Fractals.

There's always a choice.

Sometimes I stay up until dawn and look at the sun rising and think about sleeping. It's a choice. The dead never sleep.

The dead sleep forever.

The dead never sleep. I have forgotten why I should. It's dangerous to worship death when one is alive. It's dangerous to contemplate not choosing life. It doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Really, is it? Fade away.

Angels are puppets are pawns are demons hiding.

Fractals. I have to make a decision. Endlessly choosing life has gotten me nowhere. Has gotten me to another corner. Life always seems to end in corners. Am I just not navigating the maze right? Should I have known which paths to take?

The cheese is here somewhere.

Fractals. I have to make a decision. There's an oblivion waiting for me. I could walk out the door right now and disappear. I could walk out the door and keep walking and go...somewhere. I could go somewhere else and lose myself in the writhing masses. They're fractals.

I have to expect this.

I keep choosing life.

One day, I won't make that decision. It will be made for me. It will be my hand not my hand my hand that takes the low road. The high road. The road that I keep denying.

Tell you what. When I vanish, be it in a city where I change my name, or gently into that good night, I won't let you know. I'll just vanish. I want you to remember me as something worth remembering.

Flip a coin. Roll the dice.

I stand at a crossroads every day. Every night. I stand in the middle of two choices, two options always, and I close my eyes and take one.

Fractals.

Counterfeit

I'm going to tell you a story
It might be a lie.
I'm going to spread it across the sky.
You won't know if I just change it here
You won't know if I just disappear.
I have a song to sing
But it doesn't have a melody.
I have a plan to run
But I know how it ends for me.
Something's got a hold on me,
I'm not the person you thought I'd be
You've got to listen:
I'm going to tell you a story
It might be the truth.
It's not like anyone ever knew.
I have a secret, you just never heard
I'm the one who acts absurd.
Take a look behind the door,
That little girl doesn't exist anymore.
I have a song to sing,
But the melody was burned.
I have a story to tell,
But with all the stories I've ever told
It's getting old.
I will lead you through a door
And then I won't be here anymore.
I'm going to let you in on a secret
Just promise me you'll keep it.
I'm going to tell you a story,
It might be a lie.
I'm going to wander off into the night.
Take the time
We have all the time
We have nothing but time
We have nothing
But lies

Value

She's not a diamond,
In this the truth is known at last.
She's not even blown glass.
Nothing useful,
Nothing good,
She's not even worth the air and blood.
She stays up all night to howl at the moon,
Sleeps too late,
Wakes up well after noon.
Walks graveyards to keep the living at bay,
And while she hears the whispers,
She ignores what they say.

She makes feeble attempts to get better
But still ends up numb.
She's just cubic zirconium.

Honesty Does Not Become Me

I am no good at court intrigue. I don't have the stomach for it.

I try desperately to refuse to play.

Unfortunately, that's what life is, isn't it? One big court full of back-stabbing, cutthroat barons and their whores. And if you don't play? You become the butt of every joke, jibe, and jest. You become the hated, despised, uncouth little heathen that is whispered about constantly behind closed doors and around shadowy corners.

It's almost like you have to be evil to be good.

I don't like to gossip, or spread rumors (should there be a 'u' there?), or pry into people's lives. Secrets stop at me. Oddly, I seem to know everything that goes on.

They treat me like it's a bad thing that I don't play, but when they need to talk, I'm the one they turn to.

The shit I know could shake the walls down to their very foundations.

I am no good at court intrigue. I'm too naïve, I suppose. I feel like we should all just be honest.



But I'm not being honest, either, am I? No. No, I'm not.

Verbal Vomit

It seems I am entirely incapable of actually posting anything these past few months. When I started here, I was averaging nine posts a month, sometimes pushing double digits. The last time I did that was in January, my spurt of New Year's Resolution. And before that? December of 2,00fucking5.

I had a blog before this that my mother murdered. It was called Tears of the Future. I don't think anyone reading me now was there for that. I only had it for...what...six months? But I had a far better track record. I was posting at the very least twice a week. Usually every day before school and then on Saturdays at the library.

Then, one day, my stepfather read something he 'didn't like' and my mother told me to delete it. Delete everything. I free write on my blog. I always have. It's easy, soothing, it helps. So, figure about how many posts I had, and then figure that probably half of them were free writes. I lost...so much of my work with one push of a button, because my FUCKING PARENTS decided they didn't like a poem I wrote. One poem. Out of...a lot. Did they care that I obviously was not well? Did they care that I obviously was trying to work out my anger and frustration and pain and fear in a constructive way? No. They cared about themselves. Just like they always have.

On the plus side, my stepfather is dead now. Which, on one hand, is amazing. Fuck him. On the other, it's unfortunate, because now I can never tell him what a fucking piece of shit he was. What a terrible "parent" he was. What a terrible everything. How he fucked my life up one side and down the other and expected me to say 'thank you, sir.'

I'm not a bad person. I have never been a bad person. Even now, I'm uncomfortable saying these things about a man who abused me since I was eight. I feel guilty, like I should have tried harder to make him love me. One time, when I was in fourth grade, I got in trouble over...something. Who knows. And I had to sit in a chair in time out in the middle of the room. I remember he yelled at me a lot; I was crying hard. After a while, I got up and hugged him. He shoved me back to the chair and told me that he hadn't said I could get up.

Once, when I was younger, second grade I believe, I hadn't cleaned my room. It was pretty messy. Yeah, I know, bad, terrible me, right? I had just given two little gifts to him and my mother and they both loved them. I was in my room, getting ready to clean it, but I got distracted by a book (I had an epic amount of kid's books, fer srs). He slammed the door open and started screaming at me to clean it, took the presents I had just given them and threw them at me. They didn't want them anymore.

I don't know why I'm telling everyone all this. I don't know where this is coming from. In fact, I sat down to make an actual post about something or other.

I can't seem to forgive my mother for sitting idly by while my stepfather abused me. And I can't seem to forgive him for mindfucking my mother into being so docile. It's a vicious circle. And there's no way for me to fix this. She started the circle all over with Carolyn and her mother. Everyone who touched my "family" got fucked.

I should be able to forgive them. That's what a good person would do, right? And I'm supposed to be a good person. Despite everything I've been through, I'm supposed to be a good person. Despite the fact that I've been through one hell after another, despite the fact that I actually SHATTERED under the pressure, despite the fact that I haven't had a home that I can remember, I'm supposed to be a good person. I'm supposed to forgive and let go.

Well I can't. And I don't want to. It's not fair. (But life isn't fair!) Well why the FUCK isn't it ever unfair in my favour?! I do good things, I do things that are a and b the c of d. I am always nice, fair, caring, unbiased. So, Karma, where the fuck are the nice things that are supposed to come my way because of that? What the hell did I ever do to you, bitch? This shit started before I could figure out what the fuck was actually going on in the world! Before I knew the capital of the state I lived in!

When I was very young, I used to draw people that looked like monsters. That wasn't my depiction of people. I actually thought people were monsters. I remember very clearly seeing a drawing of mine on a door and thinking, why doesn't anyone ask me why I drew monsters?

Sometimes I think that there are people in the world who are meant to take the bad breaks for other people. My life got fucked over so some other kid's wouldn't. I took the fall so that some other poor soul wouldn't suffer. Sometimes I get jealous and rage at the universe for making me one of the trash dumps.

Sometimes it's all that keeps me going.

Work in Progress

And I can taste the candy.
Bitter bars of rusted steel,
This girl stands inside
Strength a fable
Illusion
Illuse
Who am I kidding,
With every whispered story of the truth
I fall further away from you.
No deception
(No bitter demon am I)
Yet I am the deceiver
Full of dirt.
Not a real girl;
I can't even be hurt.
And what do I consist of?
Broken bits of glass and blood,
Little creatures that flit in the dark.
Who am I, Sir?
Not yours.
I don't even have a way to breathe
(Not a real girl)
So in this I do deceive.
Silence follows each burst of static
Each exclamation
Across my mouth I feel this plastic
A gag of brilliant proportions muffles screams
And dreams,
Don't you find it handy?
It tastes like candy.

Time Unjust

So in death do we part lips,
So true in truth a silken kiss.
Hush, my darling, my baby divine,
From out my mouth pours sand and time.

Blessed to be a keeper of the clocks,
Cursed, as well, to watch them stop.
One must rise and learn to fall;
Why did it ever have to be her at all?

Bloody devotion, she holds some truth
And the wind will play with shades of blue
While we idly spill thread and beads from out our holes
She hangs, stricken, on the wall.

So in life do we part lips,
So tear stained truth will know this.
Hush, my darling, my wicked sin,
The clock is at it again


Inspiration: time just by DaddiesGurl

Someone Should Have Known

My life is a study in control
Was a study
Was an experiment.
I dealt in greys and stained glass,
My fragile shattering
My fragile blasphemy
My sacred irony.
Listen when I speak to you.
What does your tongue worship
When you look at me?
I will walk your grave
Walk your pain
Soothe your soul.
And somehow I am cast out,
With a thousand gifts and curses
And your whispered threats.
Brilliant studies in control
Which I have yet to learn.
Let my life be an experiment
Or study
Or blasphemy.
I consent.

Platinum Bears

I wrote love songs,
I spread myself onto pages and lay on my face.
Worlds fell from my fingers
Showing the beauty in the darkness;
I thought I had something.
Such interesting disapproval from someone I don't even know.
Is my life summed up this way?
I can taste your desperation behind your eyes
And smell the depression you try to hide.
I will utter my blasphemies.
I wrote love songs...
And I am still misinterpreted.
How is this better or worse than hiding pain?
At least I don't keep it inside.
I will write my love songs and wither away in a corner.

Because I know my place,
I just fucking HATE IT

It's Not Worth It

I wish you cared. I wish anyone cared.

I guess I'll always be this alone

Resume

It's almost audible
A coherent melding of exasperation
And fury
The sound of
Bare bones breaking
My skin holding impossible forms
A stain
Rising to the surface
I bleed internally
Whispering screams behind closed doors
Each click of the lock
Each empty hallway echoes the sound of
Bare bones breaking
And who's to say it's not better
(Modicum of control)
Clasping hands together
Fracturing fingers
Snapping
And it's almost audible
The sound of
Bare bones breaking

This Is Screaming

One day I'm going to wake up,
I'm going to open my eyes.
Thinking that I have somewhere to go with my life,
So pathetic,
I choke on dreams that only taunt me
With sweet kisses.
I want so badly to get better and yet...
I am terrified of losing myself,
Dying and still being alive,
Giving in to that sweet darkness and resuming my watchful days.
Someone, listen, do you think I'm worth it..?
I keep trying to convince myself that I am
But every day I see so many reasons why I should just
Go away,
And it seems so reasonable, so logical, so right,
Giving back what isn't mine:
This life, hers, this shattered life...

Recently I haven't been well,
Recently I haven't been able to keep hold of myself,
Just like before, that vertigo returning
To make me dizzy
So I shatter the mirrors telling me lies.
Recently I've been confronted with who I should be,
Should have been,
And how far off that path I've gotten.
Rather than just living, just being the protector I was made to be,
I've become petty, a dreamer, a wisher,
A fool.
I fell into the way of the world and the world dictates
I must be a girl.
I have to give that back.
Means dividing, means releasing, means everything I've come to desire
I have to give up.

She wants her life back.
It's a steady pressure the last few days,
A steady rhythm choking me to sleep.
I can't stand the thought of being dead that way,
Or being offstage, forgotten.
I don't want to give up what I've taken,
What she left behind
THIS LIFE IS FUCKING MINE
And I refuse to relinquish my hold.
But there's this little voice that whispers
"Just let go"
And I wonder if I can not listen to it,
If I'm strong enough to push through.
It's so right for it to be hers again...


Would anyone care if I wasn't here...

Because messenger has lots of dicks

Lithe pretenses,
Like every dream I ever dreamt.
I'm not some weak powerless little bitch.
Tell me again
How you think you have the answers to my past,
My future, my present in your hands.
Tell me again
How you think you can unlock what I do,
Make it justified how I'm always wrong
And you know better because you're not young.
I've mastered things that you can only dream,
Or nightmare,
Things that you would melt before you touched.
I dreamt away a life that wasn't mine
And you want to tell me how wrong everything I believe
Or do or taste or feel is.
I want to tell you, both of you,
How wrong your point of view is.
You choke on your narrow ways of life
While I accept and take it all in stride,
I may not be better, but I'm definitely not worse,
And you can suck it if you want to bring it up again,
My dear, dearly departed 'friends'

Becoming Eve

I was born in darkness,
Some silent watcher to break a fall,
I was the one made to last through it all.
Incessant ringing in my ears,
Sometimes I wish I wasn't here.
Becoming what the body is,
A journey, confusing and insane,
Unnecessary,
There's no reason to fall into the trap of femininity.
Recombination forcing my hand,
Turning into the first sin,
Turning into a fallible mortal again.
Does anyone have the faintest idea
How hard it is to become
Some thing wrapped in identity.
I was a pure creature,
Leaving the genders to The Others.
Now I'm falling into a pit I don't understand,
A pit that, quite honestly, terrifies me.
What does a pure creature do
When suddenly impurity is the only option?
Either divide and prove unworthy
Or maintain and prove a sin

Forsaken?

Have I been?
Deluding myself into a semblance of self worth,
Have I finally pressed an unforgivable line?
Would I care if I had?
It's almost too much for me to keep dealing with.
I fall into relationships that are so far apart,
We must not meet until I can fly
And who knows how much time must go by,
I am so stupid stupid stupid to think that I can have what I want.
Sudden silences press against my ears
With a tearing in my core I pretend to ignore,
Blatantly hiding behind a twisted façade.
I hold my tongue and let things go on and hope,
Hope that today I will hear something
Or today
Or today
Or today
Or today
Will it be another long silence?

Can I make it through that..?

a l t a r

Bodies atremble in the night
Flashes of light through leather straps
And down with a vengeance
Scarlet blood coursing along her back
(Let go
Let go)
A point past no return, a point of brilliant
Release!
She collapses to her knees
(BREAK ME)
Redemption pouring from slices in rivulets
Raining ecstasy on a carpet of sin
And while she begs for nothing proudly
She awaits salvation to come down again
(Let go
Let go)
Dreamers and desolate souls passing through
She’s come to an altar
(I want to let you ravish me like a demon
Like heaven before the fall)
Eyes raised to the ceiling making shapes in her mind
Press forward into darkness
Slips
What more is there than this?
What more is there than this?
Begging, utterly undone:
BREAK ME

Five Aspects of an Endless Longing

I.
Dreams so sweet I can hardly stand.
My hair tangled around your hand.

Heart beating in my throat,
So painfully loud,
I nearly choke.

My eyes, frightened but fierce with desire,
Searching your face
To fan the flames higher.

A flush paints my cheeks crimson,
A terrified smile haunts my lips,
I bow to your command;
I want no more than this.

II.
In articulo mortis

III.
(La petite mort)

IV.
Tonight I'm going to stare at the stars
And smile to myself.
If my hands were to stray,
If I were to start my dreaming,
It would be your fault.

V.
Feverish with longing,
Yet too afraid to ask,
I wait for you to notice.
I bet you do,
But you wait until I'm crazy,
And I hate that,
While my infatuation grows
In leaps and bounds.

No longer an issue

Should it feel like a hot iron
Exploding in my chest?
A lump of molten rage
Where my heart used to rest?
Unbidden to my mind,
To my idle, empty hands,
Come desires hot as fire
And an ache of pure unrest.
I am alone
Blind fingers grasping at the keys,
Typing teasing taunts
Bringing unsuspecting men to their knees.
Bring me under your command!
And I will serve loyally and true,
But the more you refrain from discipline
The more I drift away from you.



I wrote this on my FetLife. Because. I can. And also I don't have anything more original to say on here, so console yourselves with the fact that I just wrote it today.

Not poetry

What I want and what I have have always been two different things, even when I didn't know it. And it hasn't been shit like "I want a Honda but I have a Chevy," (although that happened, too, I just didn't mind because at least I had a vehicle) no, it's been more profound. Makes me wonder who I pissed off in a previous life. I'm sorry already! Can I catch a break just once?!

Everyone I've ever cared about has always lived in a different state, and even now that I'm living with a friend, there's someone I'd rather be with a thousand miles away (Blue, no offense, love). There are four places I can live in the U.S., none of them any closer to where I want to be, some of them as far as I can go and still stay in the continental. I keep telling myself that life just isn't meant to be fair, this is normal, this is basic shit. And yet...

I've ripped myself apart for everyone I've known, except one, at least once. Should I have to sacrifice like that? Should I have to be broken?

For over a month I thought I'd been abandoned by the only person I haven't changed to please. I'm not sure I can describe what a blow to my confidence that was, or the thoughts that haunted me throughout that time. I'm sick, I'm so fucked up, I'm wrong, I'm worthless, I should have known better. In a funny twist of fate, I hadn't been abandoned, I'd been treated to a taste of something I used to do: a withdrawal from society into my own personal hell. I was broken of it with a dose of someone else's selfishness, but that's another story.

And so I dip my pencil in the water and move on...

I took a walk today under a grey sky with tiny speckles of rain falling on my face. It was decently chill, a pleasant surprise. I meant to write some poems, and did indeed write one, but it was nothing worth sharing; a waste of paper. I haven't managed to write anything exceedingly brilliant in quite a while, not since the night I read a friend's poem and wrote a frenzied response (a highly edited version made it on here, one not written in the heat of the moment). Perhaps I shouldn't push it, maybe beg my muse to speak with me, maybe search for a new one.

I showed a friend a drawing of mine recently. It was a practice sketch of the female form. I've been trying very hard to teach myself to draw better, and while I'm not the worst out there *coughthirdgraderscough*, I'm certainly not an artist. I enjoy drawing, but it will never be anything more than a hobby of mine, and not even one that I do very often. Anyway, I asked for some pointers on how to make it better and my friend said, "Just draw what you see."

But I see words. I see everything as a poem or a story. On my walk, I saw beautiful things that I instantly started crafting a verse for, or turned a quick phrase to capture, much like snapping a photograph. No artist am I, merely a wandering poet.

Passing Through the Woods

Inner turmoil like burning oil
(Refreshing)
Save me from my own desires,
Like a midwinter blaze
I am surrounded by ice.
Teach me something
(Inspirational nonsense)
Teach me something!
I will not beg
No dog, no cowering demon,
Oh, child with a wicked tongue!
Oh, child filled with desire!
No cowering demon am I,
No blistered body shaking,
SHE HAS GROWN HER WINGS
and flies silently away
(This is the day)
Heed!
Four years, two months, six days.
Swing low, sweet chariot,
For I have miles to go before I sleep.

Don't Keep Me in the Dark

Doorways stand open in the night,
I will hold open my hand for only so long a time.
Darkening days, my melody of life,
My melody of moving on to the next chapter.
Who's to say I deserve to be happier?
Mistakes are made and unmade in each hour,
Seconds overlapping to caress the rocks,
The sea speaking
(I shouldn't be shocked)
It's not that I didn't know, it's that I hoped,
And again today I am quietly alone.
Situationaly speaking, it's nothing new,
And I can even understand why it's me who is in this place,
Better me than anyone else.
I wonder if I was merely a distraction from the real world?
YOU asked me that once,
Now I ask you,
JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH:
If you don't want me anymore,
"My apologies for darkening your door".


Four years, two months, eight days

Today's trivia: The first band I ever made on Rock Band was called Darkened Doorway. The second was Orison.

Always On the Outside

Because there's no place for me within.
Stalking rooms with empty noises spewing,
Spouting nothing to be consumed by a void.
I'm not one with whom you should toy.
Something not right, holding on too loose,
And every other word grinds past my vision
Except I missed nothing of the nothing you said.
I a m s i c k
And it's about time I admitted it,
Except this sickness draws certain others near
And then I'm not the only one here,
So is it so wrong to be something else?
I have to stalk these rooms at night, shaded red,
Shaded black, whispering under the screaming vortex
Of the known.
I should just have stayed home
Except this sickness compels me to flee from the silence
And then there I am, letting someone in again,
Hoping that for maybe just a little while
I don't have to be so lonely.
But it doesn't work that way.
Because afterwards, after the possession and depression and
Elation,
After they've gotten what they wanted,
I'm still alone

Fuck It

I can honestly say that I hate myself.
I hate who I am
I hate what I want
I hate what I have
I hate what I need
I hate the fact that I am still degrading the earth with my presence.

And I HATE that people tell me I should be grateful.



It's not cheating if I'm the only fucking one here!

Sixpence Too Willing

Sing a song of ecstasy
A pocketful of tears,
Four and twenty blackbirds carrying my fears,
And when they finally landed
I offered them some bread,
Now I have a murder circling 'round my head.

Indeed

My life has been one long list of failures;
Why should my death be any different?

Doubt Within

With realization comes the responsibility.
I repress,
I refrain,
My face is pressed against the ground.
Am I less worthy?
I guess my arms are saying yes.
Hold me,
Hide me from myself,
Take away this poisonous doubt.
I don't know where I'm going
And I don't know if it's alone,
But I'm going there all the same.
I sort of feel abandoned.
Is that okay?
Maybe I should have said no...

This Has Absolutely No Meaning

Got a pocketful of nothing
(Ashes, ashes)
Who are we to say it's over?
I have a fistful of dollars,
What will you trade me for them?
I hold your heart by a string
Treat it like a yo-yo.
Will you listen when I speak?
Things moving at the corner of my vision
And I just hope I can remain silent about them.
You know what I'm talking about,
You know what everyone is talking about.
Exercises in playful meanderings
Exercises in futile wanderings.
Please excuse the mess of my dreams,
Just passing through your bleak reality,
Tasting on my tongue this sanguine addiction
(Reach for it)
I can feel your heart beneath my hands
Strings vibrating.
You are my symphony


I was messing around with Dr. Wicked's Writing Lab and this spewed out. I can tell you that it took me five minutes. Yay widget?

An Apology of Sorts

I don't have a whole lot to say,
Fell awake the other day,
Lost track of time and drifted away.

Last night I fell asleep,
Missed messages I'd been waiting on for weeks,
How do I justify that to myself?
How do I justify missing everything?

I wake up and feel dead
Insane buzzing flitting through my head

Dreaming draws me nearer to the fears
Hunting me with blood soaked spears,
I have nothing to shield me from the dreams

Skeletons grasping my arms,
Keeping me from running,
Sapping my strength so I can't break them,
I have to protect my friend, I have to save him,
I let my guard down and there it is,
Skeleton holding me tight
Forcing me to fight,
I should have hunted him and won.

My alarm went off at 8:45
And I was sorry to still be alive,
I tripped and fell from dream to nightmare.

In conclusion, I'm sorry I missed you

Silence In Spite of Me

I should just give it up
Stop hoping
Wishing
Wanting
Stop hanging on to threads that unravel
In my grasping hands.
I should realize that I can never have
The bright breaking of loneliness.
I can never have that strong guiding hand
Pressed against my throat.
I should just give it up
And call myself useless

Damage

Is that why I'm so alone?
I lit candles and drowned myself in darkness
In the silence of falling water.
Wondering never brings me nearer.
Am I too far gone?
I press my hands to the window and the sky
Weeps with me.
I am merely a product of my past
And a whisper of my future.
The past is doomed to repeat
(I can take the damage
I can keep walking)


Four years, two months, twenty-five days

|<3|

You make me feel like my heart
Is in a spreader bar

I'm not kidding

Steph: What are those long things called, with the pillow at one end and they're sometimes covered in silk?

Me: ...a chaise lounge?

Steph: Yes! You are a goddess!

Me: *strikes pose*

And It Really Was Time

So settle down and watch her go

Like bitter tea leaves down the drain
Like bitter whispers on the brain
And silent mutterings from behind closed closet doors.

Silence!
Fall in line

Wristwatches burning spirals on skeletal arms
Grim reaper smiles full of guile and charm
She's falling down the tunnel with wings pasted on her back.

Simpering little mice
This is what delirium tastes like

Cake and ice cream and ginger ale
Paper plates that are far too frail
I held her hand until she told me it was time to go.

Sooner Rather Than...

"They say I’ve lost it
What could I know when I’m but a mockery?
I'm so alone"
~Switchfoot, 'Sooner or Later'

Words Into A Void

I have to wonder if you're mad
If I did something to make you hate me.
I wonder if I could fix it if I did
I wonder if you would want me to.

I sent some pictures in hopes that you'd be pleased
And you were, and you told me,
But you're still gone and I know you're busy,
Just wish you'd say hi every now and then.

I'm lonely and silent
Wrapping myself in a cocoon of not caring,
Having to withdraw from the world
Just so for a little I can stop crying.

I miss you and hope that you're okay
And I'm trying not to harass you with texts
Or emails or calls,
I just wanted you to know

Even though you'll never read this

You Say I'm Hopeless

I want to burn my body to the ground
Rise up from the ashes and fly away,
Spread open my veins and just bleed
Oceans of blood, raining blue rocks
Hateful suffering,
Desires old as dust as faith as hate,
And then there was nothing inside,
Nothing inside,
Nothing inside.
Help me bend backwards and land on my feet.
Just one last song to lay me to sleep
(And I shall sleep dreamless)
With nothing left but bitter lies,
I am going to slice until there's nothing left but
Scars on my wrists...


I dreamt I ran a bath
And filled it with cherry blossoms
(There was whispering in my head)
I dreamt I ran a bath
And stepped in to the bubbles
(I don't know what they're saying)
I dreamt I ran a bath
That I turned red
(They lulled me to sleep)

Happy Winter Solstice

You are full of arrogance
Floating through life in a dream,
Assuming that you are the only truth
The center of the storms
Thinking you have found the only way
The only light, the only life,
Demanding that everyone be exactly as you.
Who do you think you are?
Arrogant to the last
Who do you think you are?



My mother sent me a cd for Christmas. This would be alright if it was in a genre I actually listened to. But I do not listen to contemporary Christian music. At all. No exceptions. And the only reason I ever did was because she bought me cds and I tried them.

She texted me today and asked me to listen to all of it. I personally cannot stand their music. I've looked up clips to make sure. I said I probably wouldn't. She sent back that there was no reason for me to celebrate Christmas since it's a celebration of Christ's birthday then.

She said I shouldn't celebrate Christmas since I didn't like her present.

Dear Mother, I hope you're reading this. Christmas started as a pagan holiday. Jesus was probably born around March. You haven't liked everything I've gotten you before, but you still accepted it graciously and I never demanded that you listen to/read/use your gift. I appreciate the fact that that cd helped you through a tough time in your life. Really. What you need to understand is that I HATE that music, and I don't care how much it means to you, I am not going to voluntarily listen to that. Please keep in mind that I have radically different tastes than you do. And I have since ever.

Much love

Demons Dreaming (Breathe In, Breathe In)

(Unceasing agony)
KNEEL
And know your defeat
PRAY
For mercy
How does it feel to be broken
How does it feel to be used
Abused
Warped into something else
(Kill me)
KNEEL
(Kill me)
PRAY
(Which way...)
Every tear is another link in the chain
Every breath is another wave of pain
Every day is another way to spell defeat
(It's so sweet...)
So kneel at the feet
And pray

Well, Does She?

I hold it in my arms.
Let me cry just one last time.
Hold me safe tonight.
(And does she worship?)
A veil torn from my face
Floats down onto the floor.
I walk the streets at night.
I am the darkness in your soul
The burnt edge on your toast.
(And does she worship?)
I hold my own.
Who can condemn me, who can hold me close?
I am always all alone.
Creature of darkness,
Creature of light,
I step into the sun,
I step into the night.
(And does she worship?)
What are you looking for, dark restless one?
Who are you seeking?
Will I know her when I find her?
(And does she worship?)
On this quest of many hatreds
I am the one to find my way.
Beg me to stay.
One little girl left out in the cold
I am always on my own.
(And does she worship?)
Sitting at a table with a paper at my hand
And the words are written with blood and sand.
A desert stretching as far as I can feel.
(And does she worship?)
I know that I'm not real.
A fractured jewel held together with steel,
Faceted memories that I can only feel.
I am looking for the one I've always sought,
And they tell me it's God.
Tell me again.
The Mistress who walks at night,
The one who's always been just out of sight,
The one who kisses my trembling lips,
The one who gives me more than this,
Should I deny who I am?
Should I deny that she is my heart beating
Not beating
Beating
Not beating
In my chest?
(AND DOES SHE WORSHIP?)
I deny no longer.
Could it be yes?

Love Song of the Sickness

Little windows in time
Hearts beating faster like ravens wings.
I watch, merely a humble spectator,
Savoring each and every radiant motion
Frozen in portraits of brilliant desire.
And oh, this desire is a sickness in me,
A creeping, wretched thing,
Not jealousy but a mass of crippling muck
Tinting my thoughts and making me weak,
Making me sick inside,
A sickness that boils in my veins…
His pale goddess glowing on my screen
And I have fallen in lust and continue to remain there
Allowing myself to drown like the bitter monster I am,
Bitter demon,
The one who has no wings except in darkness.
I caress the god and his goddess with my eyes,
My sickness flowing through me leaving a sweet stain on my tongue
Reminiscent of the death I am so enamored of,
My death, my internal agonizing rot.
I hold dear to my heart that I have also been chosen,
Like his goddess,
Except I can taste on my tongue that I am nothing,
Nothing even worth his time, nothing close to good enough for him,
And I scream at the sickness to implode and leave me empty,
A husk, a hollow doll,
I scream that I should leave them above me.
I can never ascend to even be touched by their glorious beauty
I can never hope to be cradled and the sickness assuaged…
He looks upon me and my heart skips a beat,
My forever longing making me grateful of even a moment’s notice,
He says that his opinion of me is enough
And yet…
I am stricken by the god and his goddess,
Awed by the beauty and elegance and purity of their union.
Who am I to even be a blemish on his radar?
Who am I to kneel at his feet and offer my adoration?
Who am I to hold this sickness inside…?
So broken, so used, so used to pain am I,
I cannot even function in a way worthy of his attention…
I have no right to lust after his goddess
No right to kneel and kiss his feet
NO RIGHT to hold his interest, hold his consideration,
Hold anything of his…
And yet, I persist in holding them both dear to my heart,
The sickness a safe resting place for my desire,
And through the sickness I can see my unworthiness…
The god and his pale, perfect goddess floating above me
While I lay on a bed of coals and worship from a distance,
My breath caught in my throat so firmly
I can do nothing but hope I may lay in their glory forever…

Happy Hallowe'en and shit

I.
You build the walls,
You watch them fall.
Such is life,
After all.

II.
You have to know
I'm proud to be owned.
You're just jealous
Because you're all alone.

III.
Little one, dry your eyes,
Hush, please don't cry.
I gave up so much for you,
Now you make my worst fears come true.
Thanks for re-breaking my heart,
I'm going to end this before it starts.

Rationality of Pain

I'm sitting here crying, not just for me
Should never have admitted that I'm weak
Humanity is something I should shun
I've let my heart come undone...

I can't begin to express the sorrow in my heart
I know I've hurt you and it tears me apart.
Believe me, I never meant for it to happen
I admitted something that shouldn't have been...

I guess I get what I deserve in the end
And maybe, after it all, we'll still be friends,
I keep wanting to apologize, to make you understand,
But I don't have control over my shaking hands

I know how I made you feel
I know that you're the one who's real
And here I am, too frightened to make a sound
Because I'm curled in a corner on the ground

Defined Define Defining

Inkblot butterflies
I will tell you all the lies
Truth fleeing from my veins
What do the doctors know?
Behind their secret doors with dolls that have secret parts
Things that make children weep,
Cold tables on which you sleep
Paper gowns that never cover, only show.
Down which hallway will you go?
Eyes watching from every fucking window
I know them, I know them all
It's almost like they're laughing, wanting me to fall
So there can be pills and pain and blood
Swirling down the drain.
I won't cave to the pressure
And you don't own this girl anymore
I'm not your fucking whore, you don't have the right
I'm not going to fight
Doctors are nothing in matters of the soul
I have the control

Silent Secret Tears

Please don't let me go!
i promise
With all my heart
By the moon and stars
Not to let You down,
Keep going steady to the future,
i won't let anything slip.
You won't come between me
And anything.
School takes no thought at all.
Please, please keep me
(my infatuation shines
i only think about You all the time)
Promise, promise times a thousand
i'll make You proud
i'll make You so proud
Please keep me...
All i want is your approval,
To feel the black band,
Your black band,
Around my neck.
And i'll do anything to keep it:
i promise to do my best,
Please don't let me go...

Why, yes, that IS Peter Gabriel

You ask me what i'm afraid of
And i say that i don't know.

i stutter and blush and refuse to meet Your eyes
(Disobedient slut)
But You, You are never surprised.
And all my feeble tricks are to no avail,
You see right through them, behind them,
Leaving me trembling and pale

What am i so frightened of, what leaves me in tears,
Is it the first time? Is it who You are?
No, instead, i find that qualities i felt were good
Were passed over, abused, mislabeled before.

It isn't Your fault i can't seem to behave,
It isn't what You do, it isn't what You say,

i'm terrified of being something other than what You desire
And while i try to please You, i can't help but cringe inside,
Hoping You come back and play just one more, one last, time.

i accepted the gift in the ebony box,
(From the Priest, He's the doctor,
He can handle the shocks)
Clasped it on and stood my ground,
A light flush on my cheeks,
And the way You treated me
Made my knees go weak

If i could, i would kneel, beg You to keep me just a while longer,
i would do anything your darkest depraved dreams desired,
But here I am, so far away, and You will never know,
How hard i'm trying to stay the same, not let emotion show.

You ask me what i'm afraid of,
And i say that i don't know,

But i know it's anticipating the sound
Of Your voice when i finally let you down...

S E P T U M S E P A R A T I O N

I.
Structured brilliance
Kisses
Dynamite exploding
Let there be light!
I am the moon
Where is Romeo?
Fast asleep beside the television
Watching static whiz by
And where am I?
In bed alone in an empty home

II.
Birds have no wings because the angels stole them, you see
They forgot what it was like to fly and so
With a hack and slash and flick of the wrist
They took the feathers and bones and blood and heart
And stitched everything together into a boat
If you're silent and still, you can see them float on the clouds,
But if you move, they'll come down and slit your throat

III.
THERE WAS A DOOR
but you must never open it

IV.
I burn the lights in the middle of the day
Must keep the darkness away
Hold a bottle in my outstretched hand
Let the pills slip and you shall be free
WHAT ABOUT ME

V.
I will sleep the dreamless sleep
I will sleep dreamless forever
You, with your will to live,
You think you're so much better
And yet here I am, pushing up the daisies
With a silver lever

VI.
Place the coins on my eyes
Tie the string to my toe
Pour beer down my throat
Watch my nails grow
Tonight I shall wake

VII.
there was a door
BUT YOU MUST NEVER OPEN IT

On Your TV Screen

I keep meaning to post and keep not posting.

My head is full of static. I can't focus. I can't focus...I'm exhausted even though I slept all day. So long...now I can't tell. I think, I think I'm losing my mind.


SO MUCH STATIC!

I can't stay focused on any one thing...I can't remember...I can't think

can't think can't think can't think


Holy hell, where is my sanity going...



It's not drowning it's being lost it's being eaten it's being buried it's being

unknown lost broken

This is what death sounds like
I can feel it creeping in
I can feel it creeping up
Where do I get to go?
I can't even remember what I just wrote

I can't even think of who I am
Is it this again?
Am I losing myself to a void
Losing my voice
Do I have a choice?!

With great power comes
Nothing
Like bells ringing
Let us repent!
Preacher man sending us to hell
And there's always the bells
They know who we are inside
And then the preacher man
He dies
Goes to hell
And the bells
What hope is there for the rest
If he was the best

Guess we're in rat's alley
Where the dead men lost
Lost their minds
Static consuming like plague
Rats running over my grave
And when I die and they lay me to
Sleep?
I come back and moan and weep

WHISPERING TO THE SUN







let it be done

Rules

So I bought my first car last night.



Less than sixteen hours later, the brakes failed, slamming me into the back of a flatbed on the highway, totaling my car.





I didn't need an ambulance, but I'm bruised and horribly pissed off. The dealership says that it's my problem because it had no warranty and I bought it as is. Too bad Texas has a law about selling unsafe vehicles. They have an auto shop on their property.



And the excuse?

There isn't one. Apparently, they just didn't look at the brakes. Or something.




I put a stop payment on my check because they didn't call me for five hours or so after I called them and informed them of what happened. They said that's fraud (whether that is or not, I don't know).


They also charged the credit card of the person who went in on it with me without his signature. That's fraud by any definition of the law.



Now we're in negotiations and I'm being told by everyone to sue for either pain and suffering or the sale of an unsafe vehicle.

I may have lost my new job thanks to the fact that I couldn't make it the first day since I happened to no longer have a car to get there in.



You know, you'd think there'd be a law about selling cars with faulty brakes, but, alas, it seems that no one gives a fuck until it happens to them. Or their child.




I keep thinking about what if it hadn't been me who had bought the car? What if it was a family with small children? I bought a Honda Accord Sedan. Good car for a family. I hit the truck going 55-60 and he was going about 45-50. Smacked in the face with an airbag. What if there had been a child in the passenger seat? What if there had been a baby in the back?

The way everything went, this was the best case scenario for this to happen. Everyone was fine and the truck didn't even have a mark on it. Well, some mud was wiped off his mudflap...



But what if there were children? What if the driver had been pregnant? What if the brakes had given out when I had to stop suddenly going the normal highway speed of 80? What if...what if...what if...



What if they had given out when someone was test driving it?



What if I couldn't stop when I was going through an intersection? What if?




I don't know what we're doing, but if they keep fucking with me and won't settle, I'm going to sue them. They can't sell cars that have no brakes.





I told you...I wasn't allowed to be happy....

Annie and Hanna

I am so wrong
And not allowed to be mad
I am the one who should pay for what you never had
(Jealous much?)
You think you're such a righteous virgin
And she thinks she's such a righteous slut
But I am the one who doesn't deserve
Simply because I have what you never could
(Never had time for)
And you think you're such a righteous virgin
And she thinks she's such a righteous slut
And I don't deserve it because I'm not worth enough
Woe unto me for sleeping with the one man I ever loved
It makes me not good enough
Oh, righteous virgin, oh, righteous slut
What makes you so much better than me?
What makes either of you above me?
I, who accepts all the pain and swallows without a second thought,
Who has lost and loved and lost and lost and lost,
Who has come to be told by nearly everyone she's just not good enough...
I wanted trust and respect and love
And am told that I can't have those things
Because I'm just not good enough
Because I am a slut
Because, suddenly, it's wrong to be in love
I guess you're better than me, for loving and letting go
And never having to rebound with someone you know
Maybe you're the pure one, oh righteous virgin,
But I think you're far more filthy than I
And maybe you're the pure one, oh righteous slut,
But I think you're far more filthy than I
I'm being told to hold the pain in until I die
And now I'm told I'm a whore for not rolling over again
Oh virgin, oh slut, you were never friends

Everything I Lost

I've not slept in nineteen hours. I keep getting this urge to slit my veins open and press bloody hand prints all over the walls...

The walls are too white

And the ceiling and the floor and everything else

I want colour!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE COLOURS?!

I just can't seem to care.

Fuck sleep

Fuck everything

My poor graphics card...

It's hard to post things when you don't have access to the interwebs. Srsly.

I really don't have anything to say. I'm depressed, moody, and fucked up. I have issues keeping my emotions in check.

I guess that's normal, though, right?

(Beautiful blinding lights
Forever haunting me with memories
As if I could sleep already
I can't hold my own hands steady)

I tend to push myself to the point of exhaustion before I go to bed. Just so I don't have to think.

Thinking sucks.

("Forever and ever, Amen,"
She whispered to her best friend.
But forever turned out to be two and a half years
And her pillow is soaked with tears)

I play DnD now, thanks to Blue. It's really awesome. I look forward to every friday.

And I keep not thinking.

Because that's the only way I can make it

Get Over It or GTFH

It's just like you to expect me to bend
To be the perfect friend
To be the doormat I've always been
To be the one to cater and please

I'm through living my life on my knees

If I won't take shit from him
Why should you expect me to swallow yours?
You stand back and scream and cry
And I'm left with bitter lies
You stand back and cry and scream
And I'm left with
Hollow hopes and tasteless dreams
A few old memories

But they no longer hold sway
And your words just push us away

You think that you're the only one who feels
Bitch, get real

You've got some nerve being like this
Being so high maintenance
Being so pissed

I was always there for you,
I was always whatever you wanted me to be
And you
Where were you the whole time?
YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING MINE

I don't see why I should have to consider you now
After all the let downs
After all the pain I swallowed to be your friend
And now, in the end,
Here you are wishing I was a doormat again
And here I am wishing you would just be happy for us

Isn't it better that he and I are friends?

Would you rather it be some chick you don't know?
Some random bimbo with a perfect body,
Angel eyes, and hair like the sun?
At least you know me...

Or do you?

The way you act, the way you fight
You never knew who I was because you were too busy
Being there for the bitch who let you down
And now where are you?

I'm vindictive, sure
And I say you deserved her
And I say you deserve to let go
Just like everyone else
Fuck, I should know

You can't hold on to something that is no longer yours
And is not mine
And is not yours
And is not mine
AND IS NOT YOURS

So get over yourself

Decay?

A window
With a heart built from stone
Razor wire against the ground
Every wind blowing through the holes
The rotten walls
Basement filled with rotten secrets
A million words or less written on the hearth
Stairs leading ever upwards
To an attic filled with love

Septem

I.
Please don't cry
Wipe the tears from your eyes
This is for your own good
Same as mine

II.
Pretty words
I would have sold my soul
Six months ago
Now I'm just disgusted
Disenchanted
Keep trying to draw me near
You only succeed in keeping me here

III.
I bet you a million dollars
All you miss
Is the illusion

IV.
She held up her hands
Amazed in the disreality
The déjà vu
The world shattering numbness
Would she smile?
Bitterness pours from her mouth

V.
Love?
Fuck love
Fuck it like the whore it is

VI.
End of the line
End of time
No more tears to cry
No more wondering why
No more silent screams
No more painful dreams
This is the way it has to be
And I accept the inevitable decay
The chaotic destruction of every day
I worship the razing
The destruction, the death
With every brittle breath
One more step and I find that all the time
It was with me, it was inside
You held me back, down, under, drowning
Now I'm so much more

VII.
And so much less

Memories of You

Her throat beneath my hands
I shut my eyes
Her heart beating so hard in my palm
I taste it
Her breath coming in gasps
And I feel it
Convulsive, sweet
Like a warm wind
Her body beneath me shivering
While I hold her down and shut my eyes
She is silken, smooth, perfect
And I hold her
Everything else is distant and unclear
Voices and staring strangers
I hold her harder and smile
She is so warm and soft
And I am holding her
She is mine
And I hold her

Solo Melody

She sat in the old wooden chair, her hands resting lightly on it's arms. A breeze blew through the shattered windows, swirling her long hair around her face, fluttering her light skirt around her ankles. The abandoned office building was silent.

She shivered. The silence pressed in on her with bitter force until a scuff sounded from the hall. Her back towards the door, she didn't see him enter, only felt the disturbance in the room and a tightening of her stomach.

"Early, eh?" he casually asked.

She swallowed, nodded. Her hands gripped the arms of the chair tightly digging splinters into her soft skin.

"You are so striking in black, Aria. Like a little red haired porcelain doll. So...delicate," he whispered close to her ear.

Shuddering, she shut her eyes, her breath held.

"Such an angel..." he gently caressed her neck with a finger. "Why have you called me here?"

"Please, I just want it to end..." she quavered. Desperation drew the knots in her stomach tighter. His hands slowly slid down her pale arms and coaxed her grip to loosen, then release. He turned her wrists up, exposing the scars on each arm.

"You have poetry on your arms," he purred.

"Give me one last sonnet, Bard," she murmured brokenly. His hands disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a tiny razor blade in each elegant grip.

"Be still, poppet," his hot breath whispered in her ear.

She shut her eyes again, the bite of the twin razors pulling a smile to her lips. She felt her hot blood pouring down, cascading, letting her life fall away.

And she kept her smile, even as the light melted from her eyes and the Bard left.

Dreamer of Dreams

Once upon a time
Once upon a marvelous time
When the sky was blue
And the sun was golden
And the birds were making a-
(terrible buzzing)
-In the trees,
There lived a princess
The most beautiful, completely-
(crazy, just bloody crazy)
-Maiden the kingdom had ever seen
She lived in a beautiful castle on the top of a hill
And she spent all day-
(in shock therapy, currently)
-Just waiting for her prince to arrive with-
(another shot! Hurry it up!)
-So that she would be-
(drugged for a fucking long time)
-Her prince leaned over and said-
(She's waking up!
Keep her still, here's the shot
Watch out for her feet!
There we go
Back to sleep now, princess)
But the princess was discontent with her prince
And planned to wake

Precious Betsy Bell

Do you believe me?
When I speak, and my jaw is broken
Unhinged
Whispering into the darkened room
The plastic eyes staring on and there I am
Breathing
Forgetting to breathe
Breathing
Wishing I would never draw another breath
I held it close and stroked its fur
And everything I ever cried
Soaked in so far the wash couldn't get it out again
I'm afraid it will bite me
I'm afraid to look
I'm afraid to not look
Stripes and golden fur and all the pain in the world
Whispered in the dark
Was it ever easier to stay silent?
How did you know?
I wonder and ponder and try not to remember
I held an invisible hand
I cried invisible tears
A bee stung me, a smile fell from me
A room full of books and a home full of colour
Sun shining through bottles filled with water
Peacock feathers, marbles, daffodils
Today I pick up a knife
Tomorrow I pick up a stone
Yesterday I held a baby bird
And lo, from the darkness a voice was heard
It could never scream
I shattered
I woke one night with my voice stuck in my throat
Where were the lights?
Eyes staring at me and all I could see was you
Was it you?
Was it me?
I whispered and a hand-

From the darkness sprang division
I am the shattered
My mouth hangs open and I gather the cries of the lost
The broken
The haunted
I whispered and turned away
Was it ever so easy to stay silent?
No, there is ease in guilt and shame
I held out my broken hands and cried for a reason
Sometimes things are too loud to be spoken
And so I whisper
Do you believe me now?

Potpourri

My grapics card is dying...slowly...I cry. And also I love Ace Ventura. I laugh and also cry all at once. Which actually hurts a lot.

I know absolutely that I know nothing absolutely
And so I absolutely cannot say with certainty
That I am absolutely certain
That certainty is absolutely not an absolute
That I can absolutely believe in

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it

EDIT- check out my new link down there on the right. Click on it and be knowledged! Thumbs up for slurpees

And now for something completely different

For lack of anything better to say, here's some excerpts from a story I was writing a while back. I think they're funny in context, and slightly funnier out of context. So...enjoy. Or don't. Whichever. (the first person point of view is Faith, the guy is Shepcan. Yes, Shepcan. It's a point of contention. Shut up)

Geez, he was either a psychopath or his mommy never taught him about the rainbow.

“So why did you name yourself? Or did you not have a name to start with?” Silence bugs me.
“Does it matter?” he considered me.
“If you want the rest of my name, it does. It’s not creepy enough that you walk in cemeteries at night, pick up girls that you watch rise from graves, and live in a psycho house, but now you have an alias? Dude, it’s like you’re stalker of the year.”
“What’s wrong with my house?” he fairly pouted. Of all the things I said, he chose that one to dispute. Naturally, that would have been the one I picked.
“It’s black and white! The only colour you have is shut behind the cabinet doors and the fridge! It’s like, ‘the better to see your blood with, my dear.’ I’m sure the red would stand out fetchingly. You should have named yourself Creepy McStalker.”

Shepcan: “Yes, I have, but I want to hear your story. You seem, for lack of a better word, different.”
Faith:“I bet you tell that to all the suicide victims.”

It was like falling asleep, seriously, except for the pain and the desire to scream and claw my eyes out and the feeling that I was on fire as I felt each and every organ shut down. It was really great, if the new definition of great is unbelievable suck.

It was nice knowing he was upset for me. Or he just wanted me to stop crying. One of those.

You! Suck it!

I'm raking in the money, honey
I've got oodles in the bank
Oodles in my wallet
So much I don't know what to do with all of it
Just one problem
I'm not happy with my life
There's so much more I want to do
Just because you're content
Doesn't mean I am too
You're fulfilled with your work
While I feel like the jerk
For wanting to make something of myself
I don't want to be stuck in a nine to five
Beating my head into a wall to keep myself alive
I want to be a something
Maybe a someone!
So yeah, I've got the money, honey
I've got the cash, the franklins, the green
But you've got all the happy
And I've got all the pain
I want to be challenged and engaged
Not trapped in the corporate cage
You've got it made
Well I want it as well
Not a living hell
I'm not gonna be stuck in this job forever
I'm getting something better
Get over it

Truth of You

Bloody broken glass shards
My hands full
Screaming
You never listened then
Now you're a million miles away
My heart beats
And you lied like the dead to get me to stay
I am so over this
And over all you taught me
Here before the altar of my future
With a handful-
Press rewind
Do you remember all the petty lies
And fights and names
All the scars that I have you to thank
I am bitter, of course
Like November
Bitter, grey, cold, free
I am not what you wanted me to be
I am something else entirely
I stay up too late and go to bed too soon
I earn money and earn looks
You keep calling and saying 'come back!'
And I sit here and think
To what?
Beside my head as I sleep
Dreams to watch me as I-
Fast forward
Tomorrow I'll go out and forget you even exist
I don't need that old quick fix
No more knives or lies or alibis
Just me and these words at my side
You always wanted me to be your pet
This is the truth
Are you fucking dead yet?

I Want to Tell You A Story

She held up a hand and stopped me
Who am I?
A door opened
Here I am
Like following the rabbit
I want to say-
I put it all back together
With a curtsy
With a bow
Little turtles that skid on their shells
Flipped over to die
Sometimes I can't see the rabbit
She lowered her hand
Who am I?
Just like waking up to find
The walls are the wrong shade
The window is on the wrong wall
This bed is ill suited to the room-
She held up her hand
"I want to tell you a story"
With a smile I learned the hall was burning
Posted on the door
Churning winds that swept us away
She leaned closer
Eyes blank
Mouth bleeding
Broken fingers telling a story
The door swung shut and I lurched up
Heart in my throat

Story over

Flashbang

In turns
Too hot too cold
Turning
Behind the wall
With gloved hands
Broken fingers
A figurine of ivory
Partial vulnerability
It's always raining
Pipes dripping to the floor
And she knows it's not the same
Like
Raindrops on roses
She rises above the attic
Into the star strewn night
She takes flight
Out of the cardboard box
Yet the sun is rising
Too hot
Too cold
She falls to earth
Bloody mouth
Broken fingers

I want to tell you a story

So it's today

Bleed My Heart in Grey

Hark!
A heart
Bluebells on the wind
Chimes like blame
Fire starting in the yard
Open to interpretation
Dogs and coyotes
Tomorrow red like rust
Dust gathering
A storm!
You held it up for me
Furnaces blazing
I gave it to you
Tick tock
You never knew
Broken mirror in the bath
Razor blade dilemma
I held up my hand
Forever and ever amen
Promises
Then it rains

I'm so much more and so much less than you think I am