Watch what happens when the world ends

One Way You Could Hurt Me

Wake up from drifting into the nightmare of life. Sit straight up, it's an image. The pleasant dream people are the monsters. The happy faces, the happy lies. All warped and twisted. Take stock of the situation. I have my words, I have a reason now to live, I have this new found light... the daemon creatures laugh. Tell me...tell me what have I to fear... besides the taste of blood.

I can't understand this. I can't deal with this. I can't. WHY DON'T YOU SEE IT.

Because...she doesn't want to. She doesn't care

Always knew...loyalty will be the death of me


but there is one who is there

Oooo, Swiffy!!

i finally got around to changing my colours!!! what do you guys think??


Introductions over
Clasp your locket, little girl
Here is your master
He owns your world

Taste of the darkness
Repent no more
Don't hold your anger in
That's what the whips are for

Desire and destiny
Reach out your hand
Soon you'll wake up
Look back and understand

Roses are red
Blood is too
One day you'll meet someone
Just like you

Recorded

-a taste in my mouth-
Rewind
-a taste-
Rewind
-who smiles on-
Rewind
-in the darkness-
Rewind
-last chance-
Rewind
Here we stand:
Hold on
To the moon when it's gone
In silent victory we shake
Tumble down
Little hills and valleys
Worthy words and voices
Service
Take this last chance
Hold on
When in the darkness we fall
Opression
One who smiles on us all
Leaves a taste in my mouth
Leaves a taste in my mouth
Hold on
The last line is yet to be written-

My Aodhan...

We stretched out our hands
Missed in the dark
I guess we were both too frightened
Just two lonely stars
But in the end
Our dreams came true
And now here we are:
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you

Somehow we both missed the signs
But baby, now it's fine
We both took the chance
This is something that will last

I know we're far apart
But you're always in my heart
Every day I think of you
All that we've been through
And now I see you're the one
The one I've been waiting for so long...

We stretched out our hands
Missed in the dark
We were both too frightened,
Us two lonely stars.
But now in the end
Our dreams have come true
And I don't want to be with anyone
But you

Somehow we both missed the signs
But baby, now it's fine
We both took the chance
This is something that will last

Screaming into the Blackness

i want to thank everyone who's helped me on here. you're all great. (i'd make a list, but i'd probably forget someone and then they'd be mad at me...) yeah, i'm feeling a lot better now. everything's changed. everything...

last night i stood alone in my aunt's kitchen. i just wanted to get a towel...she had just cleaned the kitchen, taken out all the trash, everything was beautiful...i looked in the garbage can for some reason, i don't know why...there was a razour blade...not mine, no, someone took all my stuff...but there it was. there was the way out. i never knew they were so light...i picked it up, held it...my hands were shaking so bad, so bad...there was dried blood, it was so beautiful...but i dropped it back into the can. i dropped it and turned away.

i was afraid this morning
i'd wake up and you'd be gone
a dream i had
one that i wanted so bad
i woke to the sound of fighting
and remembered you
everything we've been through
i woke and shuddered
would you still love me?
would the night have changed it all?
but you said good morning
and threw my fears away

^fucking cheesy, i know.

Mercy

BLINDED
WE ARE THE


SAVIOURS?



TASTE IN RAGE

music as a lullaby
soothing us to sleep
tears that we were forced to cry


FEAR US
DESTROY US



AS IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW

TURN TOWARDS THE DARK

Breathing

what is this all adding up to...i take a look at myself, as objectively as i can, and all i see is another little kid...a little kid who fucked her life up so bad. she can't write, she can't even talk in coherent sentences anymore. she's bipolar again. what a stupid, pathetic little kid. i can see how she got herself kicked out. she's one of those kids who you just pity and walk away because there's nothing you can do. she won't let you.

i've called myself faithless...i've called myself beholden...i've called myself so many things that were not quite true then, but too true now. i've lost my faith, i've given my blood...and for those of you not familiar with blood rituals, that probably sounds really melodramatic. but at this point i don't care.

something funny (or not, whichever), if you stay around me for about an hour, you'll see me swing from manic to depressive. it's entertaining.

the colour black has never been so intense before...this whole relapse thing, it's changed colours... the lows are so low, i can feel the coldness...but the highs, the actual highs, they brighten all the colours, intensify everything. sound, smell, taste, tone...i don't know about touch, i wasn't really paying much attention...it's like...i don't know

i was going to end this with something either poetic or happier. but you know what? fuck it. imagine your own happy ending

LEAVE ME COMMENTS, DAMMIT!

Without You

so...i've been kicked out of my house since the last time i posted...i'm staying at my cousin's for a bit, then moving to her mom's (yes, i'm paying rent) just thought i'd add all that useless information to this random thing...

So we'll strive to die
An unassissted suicide
Will we have visions?
Will we speak lies?

Glory to the dead of fire
And when we quest
We'll drink of power
And when we cry
We'll burn the ground
Glory to the dead of sound

Gift of Rest

Now we lay us down to death
We pray all fear has from us fled
Oh, let us die before we wake
And stop our hearts before they break...

With Realization...

...But rage is a warm comfort
Tinted comforting red
And the dark eyed boy
Is not so easily put off
I offer my blood
But that is not enough
Faceless desire
Why can't we love?


multiple personality
n : a relatively rare dissociative disorder in which the usual integrity of the personality breaks down and two or more independent personalities emerge dictionary.com


I don't think I'm supposed to know about him
And certainly not anyone else.


Talk to me
Tell me it's a dream
Like my-
Broken wings?

Anarchy

Who died and left them in charge?

Hayz- You're wrong, I would kill you
Mabie- You have no idea how deep my rage goes

What do you expect from me
Helpless fury and despicable actions...

Straighten the line
They have no idea
You're all wrong
I WOULD KILL YOU

Heretic

why am i the damned?
rejection
the demons laugh with you
RED LINES
rejection
flip the switch
cut the laughter out
fuck this


it comes to one decision, better left unsaid

Hell

i keep having these visions of stabbing a knife in my arm...what's wrong with me when this is all i think of...what's wrong with me when the scars start to spread across my body. and there's no stopping it. no stopping anything anymore. why don't i just admit i have nothing left and let go? why don't i just let go...into these visions.

True Dark

Stay your soul
Bitterly, we move together
With a call of fury
Bring down the fire
Stay your outrage
We move in legion
Speak no words
Death for your treason
Hide behind your doors
Shutter the windows and cry
With your pain we will gain
Another sable night
Cover your eyes
Cover your eyes!
Stay your soul
Legion of darkness and light
Stay your outrage
Embrace the quiet

Animal Sounds

maintain your pathetic excuses
beyond the light of the fire
a terror so deep it will infiltrate
even so far as the earth

take my hand and devour
stand ready to end it all
with a meager portion of terror
we will destroy them all

contain your simple positions
a word of truth on your lips
i cannot remember to walk with you
if you turn from me now

take my hand and devour
stand ready to end it all
with a meager porion of terror
we will destroy them all

subtle ways to rip us assunder
i demand your attention now
take this my failure and run with me
with hands outstretched to kill

take my hand and devour
stand ready to end it all
with a meager portion of terror
we will destroy them all

Why Did I Bother?

so i went to my school's prom. (i was coereced. a senior friend said she'd cry if i didn't go and that it was her last year here and she really wanted me there, and i can't stand it when people cry...) i've determined that all females that went are stained glass windows, pretty but pointless. as for me, i wasn't gothic in the subculture way, but in the era, yeah i got that down pretty good. all black and dark grey and scary looking...like i could eat your soul...mmm, like cotton candy...

Nothing so real as surreal
Maybe tinted by exhaustion
Maybe by the headache
Concussion bass
Should have been this way
Should have been butterflies
And eternal dancing
And eternal butterflies
Flowing gowns
And butterflies...

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Kill us all, kill us hard
Make them learn
Make them burn
DESTROY US ALL
THEY WILL FALL

Beholden

Rip my veins
And trembling I will fall
You hold the blade to my wrist
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Kiss.
One final death to die
And trembling I will go
You hold the blade to my mind
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Lie.
Spill my blood
And tremnling I will stop
You hold the blade to my silence
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Violence.
Rip my veins
And trembling I will fall
You hold the blade to my wrist
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Kiss.

Stand Down

as over the edge we stand
as over the lies we craft
with a hand of violence and murder
take me now in this hour
take me back to the before
candle flames and wind in the air
promises, all empty promises
like the shattered mirror of my dreams
or are they mine at all
i lived in the other world and over the edge
we stand looking down
we stand with the wings torn from our backs
who are you to condemn the damned?
we are, we are
as over the edge we stand
falling past your steady gaze
i held in my heart your last breath

Un-haven

Maybe we've got a place.
With the element of desire
There is nothing barred,
Nothing whole.
(To help the path end)
Maybe with this rejection,
Determined resignation,
Maybe with a small smile
Can we change what comes
Pass on the responsibility
Pass on with the secret:
Maybe we've got a place...


With realisation comes the responsibility of repression

Stand

strangleation and a million tiny voices with sharp swords in their back pockets. empty cartons of milk scattered in the hall with the rest of the white trash. fancy magpies, if only i had a shotgun. if only i had a sense of reality so i could destroy the sickness that lives in me and rise against the night, back to the way things were, even if death should follow. strafe, spin, twist, inhale the powder. i can write it but when i speak it's like the world ends. over and over and over and over and over...

riveting. a baby cries in the night. and i am alone to listen. what do you want from me? what do you want me to do? play the game and win, stupid. that's all.

Spite

don't you dare tell me who i am. what you see is what you want. beside the darkness, beside of you. open your eyes, fool. look into the sun. take me for who i am not, not for who i am. endless debate and countless memories. you always remember what makes you look good, not what is good. debate me about the truth. but they know. all of them. trust me, it'll be the last thing you do.

Again We Remember

*sigh*

once again we remember.

I'll leave a rose on your pillow
So you'll know i was here,
Complete with a drop of blood
To stain the white cotton fabric.
Soon, that one drop,
That never dies and never darkens,
Will soak through all the sheets and blankets,
Turning each white cloth to red,
The colour of love and rage.
I love you.

News

Why do the rains bring death?
So many homeless survivors drowning in despair
And misery.
Ah, we beg for syrings to ease out pain
The death toll rises and we see
That when we are alone
We have changed what we believed.
Trembling aftershocks, they took our hope
What have we left now on this day
Oh, mortal confusion, take it all away.

REPRESSED RAGE

Making A List...

name as many forms of abuse as you can. i just want to see something, so please, humour me.

False Hope

it's an interesting feeling, being on the verge of tears...i haven't cried in so long, i don't really remember...all i could think of was how good it would feel to cry again...what happend was a really stupid thing that just...shouldn't have made me like this...i was s'posed to go somewhere with some friends, and it was going good until i had a time that i had to meet them...then my mother (cuz i don't have my lisence yet) took me to a store and instead of just staying there about 20 mins like we were s'posed to, she made me stay 2 hours. so i'm there glaring at the clock and she's telling me to relax and not be so stressed. so we get in the car and go to pick up my check, which we were going to cash and then head out of town, well, i get my check and then my stepdad starts complaing that he's hungry (he was in the car with us) so we stop by burger king *barf* and get some food and sit in the lot and eat. then we go to cash the fucking check...then we just have to go home cuz my stepdad wanted to and unload the stuff we bought and i get a call saying that my friends are leaving and they have to go home (around this time was an hour fifteen after i was s'posed to meet them). so yeah...i pretty much almost break down on the phone...(for those wondering why this would bother me so much, i never do anything with any of my friends...cuz friends are bad dontcha know, well, that's what my stepdad says and he told me that i'm not good enough for them and all this shit) so yeah, i bought a benchpress bar and a curl bar and i'm assembling them in my room cuz i had to do something or explode and he comes in while my mom is helping me put the screw in and he says "don't throw this against the wall cuz it'll knock a hole in it." no shit, sherlock. gosh damn, i'm not a fucking retard. i'm in weight training for fuck's sake, i fucking know what one of those would do to my wall. then he goes all serious and he's like "but i bet you already knew that, right?" and i nodded, cuz yeah, i knew that so he started in on me about my bad attitude and actually wanting to do something with my friends that, ohmygosh, would require someone to drive me somewhere. IF HE'D LET ME GET MY FUCKING LISENCE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK TO BE CARTED AROUND. fuck this. i think i'll go do something...deconstructive

but what I meant was that he didn't put on his post "I NEED HELP. CONSOLE ME WITH MEANINGLESS BABBLE"
-ShadeofDeath

Struck With Nothing

meh, nothing to say, or at least, nothing that doesn't sound so cliche i'd have to shoot myself. actually, i thought about posting some poems i wrote to Deirdre (*ahem* i rename my friends so that i can write about them...though i'm pretty certain that i can't call this person a friend). but, i read over them, and one was sooo dark...in relation to me...the other was so...um...dark and violent (a collab between me and an awesome guy in my CW class, not that i talk to many people in there, but he added this brilliant ending to it and it really seems to work out well) in relation to her. meh, i'll end up posting them if she ever makes me that mad again...or if she vaguely annoys me, it doesn't take much to make me homicidal, what takes a lot is taking me past homicide into the "evil sadist" mode. then i have these random daydreams of torturing people...which i nearly did once so don't make me that mad...*innocent smile*

go watch these:
Element Trailor, good flash graphics, lovely stroy line
Merry Melony episode 1, omgosh, this is amazing
The Ultimate Showdown, hey, it's funny! we need to laugh sometimes!

i'd put the suicide one on here, but, uh, yeah...it's not conducive to living

Running Embrace

Fate of the eyes
We're going to shut you up
Tonight
We're going to run until we die
And we're not gonna stop
Not 'til we fucking know how far
This goes
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight
Somehow we'll bring them home
Take our fucking soul out
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're gonna take them home
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight

And Now For Something Completely Different

omgosh! i hate some of the people who come into Krispy Kreme!!!!!! *rages, bangs head into wall* ARRRRRGGGGGGH. *bursts into tears and gets machete* haHA! now they will not be so stupid!!

Stupid Person 1: I see the hot light's on. Oh, do you have hot donuts right now?
Me: NO! TODAY ONLY! HOTLIGHT ON AND NO DONUTS! BUT WHEN WE START MAKING THEM, WE'LL TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

Me: Would you like some napkins?
Stupid Person 2: Sure, if you have any
Me: ACTUALLY, I GAVE THE LAST TO THAT GUY OVER THERE! I WAS JUST ASKING TO TAUNT YOU

Stupid Person 3: Why don't you have a half dozen deal?!
Me: CUZ THEN NO ONE WOULD BUY A FULL DOZEN, BIOTCH

Stupid Person 4 (while pointing to sign with the donut of the month flavour on it): Is your donut of the month still pumpkin spice cake?
Me: NO, WE JUST HAVE THAT SIGN UP CUZ WE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT DOWN

*bangs head into keyboard* why why why why why are people so freaking stupid?!?!? i swear, the next stupid person will have me lunging out the window in drive thru at their throat!!!!! *screams* and i have to be nice to the morons or i'll lose the job! if i ever quit, i'll just say some of this stuff to people. i've had ample opportunity...*dark gaze* i'm serious...*runs repeatedly into wall* and of course, this isn't all that they ask/say. oh, there's more, much more! and some of the orders!!!!

Stupid Health Freak: Can I have a large hot chocolate...with skim milk?
Me:...*blank gaze* ...WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??? WE PUT 10 SQUIRTS OF CHOCOLATE INTO THOSE THINGS! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE MAKING IT ANY HEALTHIER

Random Stupid Person: I want something to keep me awake...how about a medium decaf coffee?
Me: ...*wtf?*

yeah, that one got me...i didn't even think anything sarcastic about them...just kinda...yeah, decaf is really gonna do ya a good one there. *nods wisely* meh, and then tonight, the guy didn't say he wanted the mocha decaf, so right when i was about to go supervise the making of said mocha, he grabs the drive thru window and nearly pulls himself in the window and says "i did say that's s'posed to be decaf, right??" and i'm like "what...? um, no, no you didn't..." and i run down to the steamer and try to catch the chick before she adds the chocolate...thankfully we could use the espresso in something else...dumbarse hillbillies...oh! and i found out KK is the hangout of all emo kids in this county! they come in at least 20 times a night for a free donut, reaking of pot and ciggies and who knows what else, voraciously devour the donuts, and leave...i've never seen so many emo kids all together...not even at school and that's saying something. well...on the plus side of all this, i get to make fun of everyone stupid (and all emos) with the other people working...and i ordered a black shirt online, so i don't have to wear *shudders* white anymore.

well, i think i'm done ranting...i'll leave you with this thought...All it takes is two steps forward and one step back

Fact #139

Every emo kid everywhere owns at least one thing with a checkerboard pattern, usually a pair of shoes.


so, we stated school again today. which sucked. like hell. not just cuz i got homework (we just got back!! please!!) but cuz i just couldn't...i mean, well, i should have cut it out last night. and i didn't. i said i wouldn't and i didn't. so i kept one promise out of thousands. and today i paid the price for it. i couldn't look anyone in the eyes, i couldn't even speak to anyone, i always looked at the floor (nice tyle pattern, lovely fake rock thingies, and they sparkle in the sun!)

i hope it fucking explodes and takes your head off, i hope it takes me over and kills you. let me be! i don't need you anymore. let me be. let me be! fucking leave me alone to this misery! without you i could get better! without you i could live again! FUCK OFF

I Think, They Speak

i know it's not worth this feeling
failure, you're such a failure
but i can't help letting it get to me
becuase you'll never be like them
how it burns me through
yes, let it in
just to know that i'm like this
you'll always be this way
and you're like that
don't look into the light
if you even knew how sick i am
and we have you in chains
of all this death and darkness
the only thing you are worth
maybe you'd listen more
you fool yourself
maybe you'd try to talk to me
they all hate you
more than you do right now
they do it from pity
or maybe you'd just leave me be
of course they would, my child
for what has more pull
say what you are
than a creature of the shadows...

Another Year

well, it's 2006. a whole new year, 365 days that we haven't traveled yet...and when it's all said and done, it's just another year to be lonely, another year to be in pain each and every day. a whole year that we have to get through so that we can get through another year and another and another until we're old. and then we just...kind of die. and no one notices. we're just another number on another graph somewhere and then our 'personal' number is written down as deceased and that's that. who cares to remember the dead...the dead walk the halls and no one is there to comfort them...people like me, it's our job to remember them, all of them...but who wants to admit to that. and the sun is shining and i don't really think that it's worth it anymore, but here's the new year, and we have to stay around just long enough to prove that this year will suck as much as the last. or maybe things will change and we'll find a way...because there's always a way, we just don't always see it.

May we all see where to go, Happy New Year

New Year's Rememberance

Pre-Cal

What it means, what it means, y=mx+b but other than that, take the 3rd root of pi and you might get the same thing...or cube the inverse of 125/3 and divide by 17...negative B plus or minus the square root of 4AC minus B squared all over 2A...then shade the graph to the side that makes it true...remember to use the dashed line and not the full one...then we must write the interval in, yes, interval notation, so we use the box and say that we touch -.6698 and positive infinity...but we can't really touch that so we have to use the logarythmic function with base 6.45 and X to the (X/8*3-7777) and then we can perhaps find what Y equals...pay attention now! it gets pretty complicated...

Sir Bean

Keep the lights burning
Keep the fire warm and bright
And keep the faith lit

I keep her, and you, in my prayers.

They Didn't Leave A Title

explanations of piety and unwillingness to come across in the wrong manner...hasn't the balance been fixed yet? the girl has no pity, but remorse aplenty, take our word for it, even when it sounds it, she doens't know what to say, is all. take a look for yourself, we've destroyed her, and we will never let her go. she fights, oh yes, she fights. she's had to to keep herself alive. but she cannot resist us, this urge. no pity, but guilt aplenty, enough to fill ten people completely. poor little girl, we don't care about her and she wants us to. pathetic in its simplicity and yet, we need her to stay this way, so we pretend to care. pretend to be there for her, when we are what she fears the most. just a kid...no, her thoughts come back in, they sound so young, becuase that's the age she'll always be...torment her with thoughts of the past and flashbacks...she wants them, though. the little girl has matured into a great masochist. we can do anything to her and she will not complain over much. just keep telling her how wrong she is, the girl won't fight it...won't fight...won't speak, say what you will...in this explanation we hold her truth and strength and weakness...and why she has scars across...like stars...like spears...like...silence...

Christmas Bells

all my tears, i dedicate to memory, memory of everything that we ever lost, everything that we could never have gained, all the pain and silence we suffered. all the good memories that are fading fast and we wish we could hold on to. all the bad memories that are clear as day. all the scarlet scratches and ruby drops that have followed angry words and pills that silence the voices for a short time. all the hope in the world to vanish the memories for just one day. may we all forget the past and future and live, for a brief instant, in a blissful present.

Why I should never write at 3 A.M.

5 Snatches of Snow

I.
Let the snow fall
This blanket is the healing we need
It refreshes us
Each flake caresses us
Oh! Let the snow fall

II.
Flurry falling
Flakes flying
Faster! Faster!
Floating forever

III.
Little crystals of death
White harbingers of doom
They will devour us all!
Don't listen to their sweet whispers
Don't think them beautiful!
They only wait to slay us all!

IV.
Hush now
Sleep
The morning
Will never
Come

V.
The sun rises on drifts of white
The little girl had crept out in the dark of night
Never to return

TAGGED?!?!?

welllll, i was tagged by Sir Bean...mean old monkey...

If you are tagged copy and paste this into your diary and answer *all* of the questions..Then tag 5 more people

PRIDE What do you brag the most about? - um...that i'm in band, though it's not really bragging, more of a warning really, cuz in band, we're all crazy...

ENVY What is one thing a friend has that you always wish you could have? - without a doubt, a brother

GLUTTONY What's one food you cant say no to? - meh, i hate food, i only eat to keep my strength up

LUST How did you learn to masturbate? - this i would prefer not to go into

ANGER What or who always makes you angry and why? - this varies, mostly actions by other people that are just...unfair in some way, stereotypes, racism, people who look down on others for some reason or another...

GREED Name one thing you don't need to live with but would freak out to give up. - nothing really comes to mind, but the thing i'd feel the loss of most is...i guess...the internet...well, not even that, toss up between my blog and chat

SLOTH What's one chore you hate to have to do around the house? - meh...sweep and mop all the floors...i really can't stand that and i have no reason why...other than i can't stand it of course

people to tag? idk, if you want to take it, take it, i don't have anyone really that i can tag...i mean, i could say Shade, but i doubt he'd actually do it...maybe Pepsi Lover!! yeah! and AG if she feels like it...heh, or if ya don't then do it anyways!



i think i just destroyed the fragile friendship i had with someone...maybe when i stop shaking i'll feel better...

[i see it coming]

WE ALL FALL DOWN

[it's coming for us]

IRRESPONSIBLE HOODLUMS

[they can't see what they're doing]

YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT

[they think this is right]

YOU AREN'T HEALTHY

[we are the creators]

LET US "HELP"

WE ARE THE CREATORS!

A Bit of Something/Nothing

been a while since i really posted about anything. here i am, at school, doing nothing...finals this week, and it's open campus and at the moment i have nothing better to do than post...sad, huh? jk, anyways...let's see if i can find anything interesting to post about...*ponders*

Unbeknownest to the shouting masses
In the heart of the grime and heat
Lies are spreading to the thoughts, the thoughts we hear
Do not speak in this shame
A rythm like a pounding heart
Beats through the head, the hands, the steel
Steal us all away into the memory
We are all forgotten in this moment of eternal pain
The heart is never something we had need of
How do we expect each other to sing...

sorry...that came out of no where...it's just been one of those months...all in favour of abolishing December, say aye. i swear, if this month gets any worse it'll be like...hell on earth...yes that did just rhyme, don't shoot the poet. well, i thought i had something to say, but i guess not...happy holidays and merry Christmas.

They're All Fools

Don't be foolish
When someone drips black
It shows through the soul
Pour out of the mouth, it comes
Stains will never fade, oh heart song
False eyes proclaim jubilance
While hidden on a shelf is a knife
Mist of orange, pray, cover the shame
Terrible secret, terrible lies
How could you be so foolish
Remove the covering darkness
No other words will wrap around
Tangle of scratches, poet
False protector! Who do you pretend
In one scarlet minute you fall
Easy enough when the pain comes
Hard enough when there might be hope
Do not stand in the road, Shadow
Time waits for no one
There are only two choices

CHOOSE

Not Face Value

Death to the righteous!
We all fail to stay silent
Mock me as you wish
Pathetic children!
I understand you too much
Your words TEAR ME APART
SO LONG I HAVE DIED
What is a true friend?
When everyone I know makes me die
And everyone makes me lie
Truth was overrated anyway
But MOCK ME you must
Because I offer myself for you
And your barbed arrows
STOP MAKING ME LIVE SHATTERED
I try to become better
And you STAND IN MY WAY
STOP IT
WE ALL FAIL TO STAY SILENT
DEATH TO THE RIGHTEOUS

Written towards Hayz


and before anyone flips out on me and goes psycho-fanatic, i mean death to the self-righteous. better then? good.

Rage against the pain
if this is light i want nothing of it
it's all over for me, it's all the same
falling into the darkness and embraces
ah, my chains, you have waited for me
ah, my fear, you have finally gone
consume me again, here is my heart
understand that this is not goodbye
this is merely the beginning, where i start over
and realize what i should have seen from the beginning
love is not real, it does not exist
i would have changed but that is no longer possible
all the tears are gone now, no feeling
ah, my echoes, you come to me again
so close and yet inside me all the same
ah, my destruction, my havoc, beauty in chaos
recover into what was safe before
please stay safe now, and forever remember
NO MORE

don't think worse of me for what has happened, Aodhan. i send you my luv

Caffeine High

never drink more than your weight of caffeine...you'll start shaking and you won't stop for about...idk, roughly seven hours?? meh, i can't even remember what i did friday and saturday other than that i went to blitz...worked out...and worked at KK. and i talked to Shade! that was the other thing i did. yeah, i probably scared him cuz i was making no sense whatsoever, what with me having less than three hours of sleep and seven cups of really strong coffee in my veins.

uummm....today was whacked...filming a civil war trailer for class. and i'm not on speaking terms with anyone in that class really, so i got stuck with a bunch of preps (nothing else i can call them, much as i hate labeling). it wasn't too bad...we had maiming, death, and spies, so it really wasn't too bad. i wanted to be a random dead soldier, but i got to work the camera mostly instead cuz the other girl couldn't do it and since we had a group of four total, with two having majour parts, i was the "unwanted goth child who, of course, showed up in all black and who doesn't have a permit." however, on the up side of that... i brought the music and battle scenes, and i didn't show up with a hangover...

Lo siento por el sufrimiento.
Lo siento. Lo siento.
No más vida. No más muerte.
No más. No más.
¿Un cuchillo? ¿Dónde?
Dámelo ahora
Ahora, ahora, por favor,
Y esta noche hay termina.

Anarchy Grounds

and we will miss you, even though we have never met you. out of the craziness of the web we three found each other; friends? perhaps we are, i hope we are. and you won't even read this, but here is my tribute to you. your words will live on with us, missed, we wish you well, we wish you hope. so much hope. peace. happiness. continue on and live well, i wish you true happiness.

goodbye, and may the stars always shine for you

Redefined

i think it's really funny how people look at me. i just happened to get into NHS (National Honour Society) and even the sponsor can't look me in the eye. gosh, am i their first pothic person? i mean, i'm not usually threatening and i do try to be civil to these people...iunno, maybe they're just not used to someone wearing all black having a GPA greater than 3.5 or somwat. *sigh* and i get the strangest looks in my other classes too, i mean, besides creative writing, i fit in there mostly. but i'm taking AP and honours classes, what is these people's problem with that?!? it's like i'm going to go ninja on them and slaughter people. hmph, geez, i didn't know that this bothered me so much. guess so. anyways...at least we have break this week.

happy almost-thanksgiving to ya americans.

Haiku

Have faith in the dark
Even when the stars don't shine
They light up the night.


*almost hugs everyone, restrains self but just barely* anyways...got a job! yay! money! at krispy kreme. free donuts! score! and a 50% discount! more score! and...um...right, so guess tis about it for now, but you can expect posts from me...*small smile* much hope and happy thanksgiving to all you americans out there

Finally A Real Post

well, alright, guess i better do a real post or something. soooo, last saturday P86 played here. and of course, i had to go, cuz, well, they're my favourite band. and i get there and the price has changed, from 12 dollars at the door to 15. ok, pay that and just get inside, muttering about the illogic of the human brain...*mutters more* anyways, there are about 4 other bands also playing. it was...um...Mourning September, Number One Gun, Spoken...and um...*goes and looks it up* The Fold! that was it! well, alright, so i didn't pay much attention to the other bands ('cept Spoken, cuz, well, iunno, i just did). i was up in the mosh pit playing 'human ball'. which was interesting, but i only fell over once...bruised my wrist and thumb...but it was worth it. so yeah...finally, after sitting through some bands that were alternative main stream stuff (not that they weren't good, mind you, but i like different things, and they weren't even close...so similar to every other band!!!! geez) but anyways...after Spoken got done, P86 got ready...*sigh* good times...they were intense...and i mean intense...only the hardcore fans were left at this time (about 11 pm i should think...we'd been standing for about...iunno...5 hours?) so pretty much every person knew the lyrics and we were screaming them back. yup, good times those. meh, after the concert my ears were ringing and they felt like i'd shoved cotton into them. and i was dripping sweat, complelty soaked, and shivering. still good times. i kinda passed out in the car on the way home though, kinda tired...and a bit stressed from being packed into a confined space with so many people touching me *shudders* but...i kinda liked it...for the odd reason that i fit in. i wasn't the only person there in all black...with hobo gloves...screaming up into the face of the most intense singer ever (and before people start screaming at me...the most intense singer i'd ever seen, better? geeeez, relax). i wasn't kicked out, made fun of, given dirty looks. i belonged there. it was...pretty cool. not the kind of thing you really expect to find in a mosh pit...but anyways...

yeah, so after that and after i passed out in the car, i come to realize that i have bruises covering my entire body. ah, well, i still have them and they hurt, but it's good. (they've turned a nice shade of yellow and purple, quite lovely) <--that's a joke, btw

much hope friends and foes, much hope

Mosh Pit and Shooting Star

well, i don't feel like doing a real post...so here's something to let you know i'm still out here...i'll get around to talking about the P86 concert i went to (heandbanging the whole way!!!) and the marching contest my band went to (like...concert band). well...guess that's it for now...keep the hope

Grieving For the Innocent

do you even know what you are playing with? what fires lurk inside those gates, waiting to swallow you and drown your desperate cries? do you even understand one thing about the game you have chosen to play? do you know the rules? do you know what happens if THEY come for you? the demons with their soulless eyes are watching you dance closer and closer to the all-consuming darkness. and they want you. they want eveyone. if i could tell you what i saw the last time i was in there, if you could even understand the scars left on my spirit from that one encounter, you might turn away from your foolishness. the demons are waiting to be invited back in to the land of the dead, and will you be the ones to hold open the door and welcome them? will you allow the evilness to return so close to where you must sleep, eat, live? can't you even see what they want from you? they will choke you with their chains, lead you around as though you are an animal, break you of all your innocence. the innocence that eveyone so highly prizes in people of your age. i beg of you, all of you, do not continue with your plans! do not follow through with this foolishness! if you can even hear me at all, give me a minute of your time and take my words inside you! THEY will come. those that have the black eyes and voiceless promises of everything you have ever desired, but the road to their 'paradise' is paved with chains and barbed wire. the grasses are dead, the trees but skeletons against the stormy sky. oh, please, listen to me! do not leave my cries echoing into the silent void you have left behind! more than ever i wish that you would listen to me. that you would see what i mean! none of you know what you are doing! fight the thrill of darkness and come back to what you had before. come back to us, do not leave your souls resting in the land of the dead, your bodies but an empty husk. please, please, do not...

*for annie, tracey, and alex*

Two Extremes

alright, i want everyone's opinion about this. why do people cry from both joy and pain? i have my own theory, which i'll share after everyone has said something. say whatever you like, i really am curious.

*****alright, before i state what i think, i thank everyone for your perspectives, they were all quite interesting and helpful. *grins* yes, even shade's.

ok, here it is (credit goes to Sm0kstr for the ideas and making me think about this) i'm putting the conversation on here that i had:

Sm0kstr: why do both pain and joy in great amounts produce the same thing?
ShadowL0R: joy because it is foreign to humans, so much light that there has to be some response
Sm0kstr: but why the same reaction as pain?
Sm0kstr: why not laughter?
Sm0kstr: or something unique to joy?
ShadowL0R: two extremes of tears...one is beautiful because it's like rain...it heals the land and cleanses it and makes it lovely
ShadowL0R: the other like rain, for in great force it destroys, kills, drowns

and that's what i think. don't even ask why we were talking about this, i don't really know either.

ensueños de sangre, esperanzas de muerte

Shredded Wrists...

ah, back for now, not sure for how long...i'll update when i can but as of now, this blog is...uh...contraband or whatever you wanna call it. my stepdad walked out on us again...so...yeah...i was going to kill myself tonight, but suddenly i find that i have to take care of a younger child. she's only 13...i can't leave her by herself...no matter how much i want to just make it end...that story...uh...the two deleted comments on the post awhile ago....those were the link and disclaimer for my story...i was forced to delete them...and that's also why my blog no longer comes up in my profile...*ahem* yes, i found that option...but anyways...i was experimenting this morning with a plastic knife and my wrist...i've never cut my wrist before...probably one of the only things i haven't done...too noticable...but i have gloves (ya know, no fingers in them) that i can wear that cover it and i wear them all the time now, so...yeah...just adding to the pain i guess...i'll be putting links on here now...though maybe not to the same story...yes, i can still feel guilt, despite popular opinion, and that story...well...let's just say that if anyone at school found that and figured out it was mine...well...i'd be institutionalized...and that's...aww, you guys know what that would be like...*sigh* well...i guess that's it for now...i'll try to do more later...

Extrapolation of Interpretation

ya know, i've been thinking. where did the labels we commonly use today come from? some are easy to identify and some are just...obscure...well, here we go, everything you never wanted to know and could have lived your whole life without knowing about labels!!!!

let's start out easy, we'll do prep. hokay, so...

prep-from the preparatory school. literally, someone who is obviously well off. (ie, loads of $$, fancy clothes, nice car...etc) this is probably about being prepared to do well in the world. like, you know, good manners, etiquette...i believe 'prep' schools were originally for girls and such...which is why it is more likely to hear a girl called a prep. (iunno the date, i couldn't find any info on this one online, but i'd say dates back to...maybe...1700's? whenever the first school's for chicks were starting)

alright...how about something a little harder...

punk-this one is very interesting. one meaning i'll skip *ahem* it doesn't add to this. think of a punk stick. you know, the stick that you burn around the 4th of july (or whatever day you set off fireworks) to set the fuze on fire and the stick just keeps burning and burning and burning? well, that's where this comes from. a punk was originally "rotten, slow burning wood, used as tinder." (perhaps from ponk-living ashes) eventaully, the meaning became "something worthless; foolish or empty talk" (literally, something rotten) and there is where we get our punk. worthless and rotten people. nice, huh? (dates back to 1596)

well, then, moving on, let's try this one:

emo-if you asked me yesterday, i'd have said that it's from emotion. because you know those shirts that always say 'cheer up emo kid.' well, it's really an abbreviation for emocore or emotional hardcore. named for the bands in the mid 1980's, this is about deeeeeeep meaning, introspection, and connections to other people. so, yeah, you could say emotion, but isn't it more pointless to know this??? (dates back to mid 1980's, just in case you missed that)

alrighty, see? this isn't so bad...now...where were we...oh, yes, one i actually know something about

goth-right, i know about the lifestyle, but i don't know about the word. and everything i try to look up comes up in german. because...you guessed...the word goth originated in germany!!! you get a prize!!! anyways, ok, here's a guess, something to do with the achitecture in the renassiance. oh, wait, here's something. from the word used for the Germanic people who invaded italy and destroyed rome. also, refers to architecture based on the medieval ages. think gargoyles. and there is where you get the horror. also, a genre of writing (ie. Edgar Allan Poe) that involves horror, death, or the negative side of romanticism. (grotesque, mysterious, desolate) (dates back to mid 12th century, which is the 1100's)

sooo, what'dya think?? *raises eyebrows* feel free to correct me on whatever...or add...or just comment in general...or not...whichever you feel like at the moment. there's probably a trillion others that i missed, but i only did the most common ones. (i think we all know where loner and outcast come from) but, seriously, add!!! i'd like to compile a list of the origins and stuff...and if you wanna give me tips about the lifestyle, that's great too. *looks around* well, guess that's it for now.

Football-Away

last night was a football game...away in some little town that took us two and a half hours to get to on the bus cuz we left during rush hour. the bus ride wasn't so bad, i guess, i slept on the way down there...kinda...well, not really, i didn't sleep, i'm too paranoid for that. but it was ok. we got there pretty early, before the other band had played their alma mater...and guess what just joyous occasion we had to witness. why yes, it was that school's homecoming...good guess. *scowls* i don't like our homecomeing, why should we have to watch it somewhere else? the worst part was, all the maids wore the school colours...no pink, or orange, or red, or black, just green and white. and the chicks in white all looked like the were getting married...especially this one chick who's dress was, i guess, called a 'cinderella dress' so it was all big and poofy in the skirt area (one of the guard told me, i didn't know).

anyways, they finally get that over with *rolls eyes* and the band stopped playing their dorky love song. (i hope we don't have to play one this year...last year was pretty bad) but, this is their homecoming...you'd expect the stands to be loaded, right? well, not here. there was maybe, 150 people in those stands, including about 25 students. and their stands were made to hold, oh, iunno, about...800? so it was pretty pathetic. it looked like we had a better turnout. and we were much more spirited about it all too. they barely cheered for their football team...they cheered more for our band during halftime then they ever did for the team. there's just something wrong with that. but their band was amazing. constant motion charts...unique songs and sound...very good, very accurate...*ahem* sorry, yeah, anyways...

i don't know...it was a pretty good game (i'm just saying that cuz we won)...but the bus ride back was crazy. i was trapped talking with these two chicks (i swear, one of them is gay) about...prom...yes, that's right, prom. they were asking me what colours i thought they should wear (and what colour i should wear too, *rolls eyes* there is one decent colour out there, that being black...and red isn't so bad, but black is it. and i am not wearing any other colours...and they said i could wear a dress, but they must have caught the horrified look on my face...i'd never live it down, i'm serious...). i can't believe they got me to talk about it....*shudders* moving on, we went through a bunch of subjects such as why there is only one teacher in my school that everyone thinks is highly attracted to girls...and why every girl in the school feels this way...and why guys can be so rude (despite popular opinion this is not my fault, okay?!?!?!? i don't know!!! stop asking me!!!). but othere than that...twas pretty routine.

oh, yeah, i've written a stroy, so if you'd like to read it, tell me and i'll drop a link on here.

And It Became Silent

*sigh* and the silence filled to consume the world...each house filled with the mist of quiet...each person stopped to look at the darkness in the sky...no one knew what it was...and then...it was too late to run...the meteor crashed into the earth and knocked it out of orbit...and the silence became eternity...frozen moments of civilization clung to the frosted orb drifting aimlessly in space...a child staring in wonder at the sky...a man and woman holding hands and clinging to each other...and a tear left glittering for all eternity on the cheek of one who never cried...

I Know Who You Are...

and you should be afraid....very afraid!!! sir bean and annie, you are both hereby sentenced to death. just thought i'd put that on here for the record. I AM NOT A GOTH!!! *draws sword* i know where both of you live... *maniacal laughter* and i will find you! *storms off* i am not a goth!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME???? I AM NOT A GOTH!!!

*ahem* yeah, i think that's about it for now.

Create

Create your crystaline bubbles
I will always watch you float against the sky
Of your dreams
The sky of your hope and my pain.
You take the shine from stars
And wrap it up inside yourself to become brighter
Than the sun. I burn from your brilliance.
You. You fly so gracefully.
I aspire to be you and yet you are my death
Light as a shimmer, you taunt me
And you don't even know.
I admire your thoughts and voice
The way you catch the wind and rise so far
Even the clouds envy your freedom.
Silver streams of perfection waft past me
Dissapating when I touch them
They tangle in the trees and I find that
I hate the trees, who are pure enough
To hold your whispers.
I sit in the darkness and watch you
Everything i cannot be you are.
The sunlight caresses your body, lives
Within your eyes, haunts the brighter beauty
Of your crystaline bubbles.


yeah, sounds weird huh? anyways...*ahem* no good way to put this...i have never stated if i'm male or female...well, actually, i have, but twas last year i think...no...maybe...iunno...anyway, i haven't so uh, i could be either (if you know, just...shup, ok? *grins* i prefer to keep people guessing cuz if they know, they act different according to which they think i am...quite amusing really when i talk to someone really shallow). anyways...7 days 'til the new Project 86 CD is out!!! w00t!

Rewind, Fast Forward

It's some for one and one for some
An imperfect solution to a pressing problem.
It's dog eat dog eat the outcast.

We're sinking further everyday
To the pits of darkness. We trade our souls
To fit in with the world.

Ignore everyone but your closest companions
Keep telling yourself that it's okay.


well, i thought about adding more, but i couldn't think of anything. if anyone wants to add, feel free. school is long and tough, but i have creative writing one day and english the other so i think the rest of the year will be better than the last. (however, my english teacher is driving me insane, making fun of some of the essays that are perfectly fine in my opinion...not that my opinion counts...) anyway, i seem to have been thrown into the middle of something happening between two friends. it's kinda weird cuz i went through something similar last year...and it didn't end well. i s'pose that it's not really my concern, but i like both of the people (i know, shocking, me liking people) and it's just hard to see it happening to someone else.

guess that's 'bout it. better work on my homework or something...

Antisocial

most people are...stupid. they are why the earth is dying. they are why some are being torn apart. they are why the dreamers and artists and musicians are called messed up rejects. they are why some are made into outcasts. they pretend to know what it means to be "real, normal, healthy." and yet, what exactly do those words mean? who is the exact healthy person who has never had a time in their life when something went majorly wrong and they got depressed or got so angry that they could have killed someone? and yet, for people who are different from the accepted "norm" these are reasons to lock them up and call them insane. who is the exact real person who has never tried to fit in to a group, who has never pretended to feel something they didn't or to mask their feelings? and yet, for people who are different, these are reasons to call them posers, fakes, mannequins, unreal people who don't really know who they are. could the truth be that no one could accept them for who they are? who is the exact normal person? what is normal? if we're all supposed to be seperate individuals, why is there a standard that we have to comply to or risk becoming an outcast? and then we are called loners, and no one will talk to us because we obviously just want to be alone, even though it was them who first pushed us to be this way. "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." THEY CREATED US, THEY CAN LEARN TO DEAL!

The Blame Game

i think that i shall blame...Sir Bean! yes! tis his fault. mostly because...well, it just is. (ok, so maybe tis annie's fault cuz he's her bf and i see annie at school, but anyways...) so, now that i have that out of the way...

once i can think of something more interesting to say on here, i'll come back and edit...*fades away*

Untitled

Voice raised to sing
Notes like glass to shatter and spill
...Crystaline thoughts and waterfall eyes...
...Crystaline eyes and waterfall thoughts...
A cascade of something infinite
To hold in a thimble
The key is nothing, something, nothing
Brass and gold patchwork quilts
Sail to my ship, my dreams
To the ocean again, to the smoke
The sulfur and glass...yellow?
Turns black
Lovely eyes, but the water is unpure
Living things wither and die
In water the colour of dirt.


er, the word sail is s'posed to be a noun, not a verb...everytime i write something like this i come out sounding stoned...*goes quietly insane* well, that was fun. i can't think of anything else to say. i wrote a highly disturbing essay for creative writing. *laughs like a...well, iunno what, but twas scary* anyways, the prompt was "is society(or just you) emotionally healthy?" i kinda went with the society one...and what, exactly, defines an emotionally healthy person?? that's what i want to know. *looks around* i want to say more, but i'm restraining myself, isn't that nice??

"Sorry I'm not your perfect angel,

Guess I'm just human after all..."

This is Me

there is nothing more than this music
this melody that wraps around me
there is nothing more than this
haunting rhythm.
lost in this music
i am not afraid, not ashamed
these notes soothe me
this is what i am
creature of music
it is where i go to hide
where i hear my lullabyes
and i will never release this
the notes comfort me, relax, breathe
take another step and wait
the next word is coming now
and i am here...

Invisible Dream?

I fell asleep...
Motion flashed before my eyes
People, walking, laughing, talking
The noise was like thunder
They passed me, looked through me
I was invisible to them
At first I enjoyed this ability
But soon I regretted it
A person walked past, crying
And I wanted to say
Don't be sad, don't cry, you're beautiful
But I couldn't, because I was invisible
And no one would hear.
Another person walked past, angry
And I wanted to say
Don't be upset, will it matter in ten years?
But I couldn't, because I was invisible
And no one would hear.
I looke around frantically
Looking for anyone who could see me
But there was no one.
I screamed into my silence
And none turned to look.
Tears ran down my face and my breath caught
I felt something shatter...
I feel asleep.

alrighty, now that you've read it, go back and read it again, 'sept this time, replace the word 'asleep' with 'awake'. and yeah, i'm serious, read the whole thing, it gives it an entirely different meaning...


k, then. i wrote that at school (big surprise there, huh?). well, wasn't that pointless information. anyway, i finally saw national treasure. it wasn't bad. not a brilliant movie, but not bad, in the long run, 'course i would have like it better if the bad guys won...but that's just me (the book the humanoids ends with the bad guys winning...well, kinda...well, it depends on your point of view, really...aww, never mind). so i finally have some idea what BFG is talking about...well, mostly. on those ones about the movie anyway. the rest are just kinda like a guessing game. btw, i stopped playing guess that blog...*looks around blankly* i think i'll go eat everything in the fridge. that doesn't move.

Immerse Myself Forever

Beat against the walls of me
They want in
Those voices and people I heard
Those thing that were in my head
Those lies that I listened to
Screams to be torn from me
Wretched agony to burn me again
Like an invisible acid
I fight forever to not go back
Because I want no more of it
I reach inside myself and breathe
The cool warm light soothes me
And I apologize for running so long
I can barely hear the pounding now
But I immerse myself in the
Pool of amazing wonder
And I hear no more.


i have another poem i like, but it hasn't got a title, so i don't wanna put it on here. cuz then it messes with my sidebar and then i have to go play with the HTML code, not that it isn't fun, mind you, but i have an amazing amount of homework. which is actually what i'm s'posed to be doing right now. ah, well, whatever. i was just blogging and well, yeah. you can see how much time i have on my hands...anyways...the one really interesting thing that happened today was that i started crying in creative writing. HEY, THERE WAS A REASON!!! this one guy wrote something that pretty much just...well...it was...yeah. it was everything that i wanted to say, but was too afraid to let anyone know...and the way he wrote it was just amazing. and i cried that hour and some of the next. man, i hope that no one noticed...i asked this one girl if it looked like i'd been crying (cuz girls are pretty good at catching stuff like that *shuttup annie*) and she said no, so maybe no one noticed...but i think that my teacher did. well, if he wants to say something to me, there's not much that i can do about it...guess i'll do my homework now...

Disillusioned Immortality

the point of this is not to make anyone mad at me...or maybe it is, i haven't had a brilliant arguement in a while...er, just kidding. anyways, i was just looking through some e-journals (*less than three*) and well, alright, dude, i agreed with the school stuff. that's all good.

"People who know they can die are more responsible."

i just can't agree with that. speaking from experience (no, annie, i'm not like this anymore, relax) i wanted to kill myself. i knew that i could. it made me exteremly stupid in doing a lot of stuff that i should't. i didn't take care of myself, i purposfully did things that could kill me. not often, but enough. i knew that i had the choice to kill myself or let myself live. the thoughts i had were way less than responsible. i know some other people who are/were like that. why do people make kids think that they're safe? to protect them from the truth, that we are all frail humans. that anything can kill us. that we are the most fragile creature on this earth. not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. people want to protect the young for as long as they can. alright, i admit that this isn't a brilliant idea. everyone wants to be free to make their own decisions. but can you imagine telling a 4 year old that they could get smooshed by a car? two things might happen: one) they laugh insanley because it's not yet real to them or two) they become afraid of everything. that's why there are rules that are drummed into almost every child. look both ways before you cross the street (so you don't get dead, that's the rest of the sentence).

what's the percentage of people in america who kill themselves? how about this hemisphere? how about internationally? these people know that they can die, yet they are irresponsible with this knowledge and use it to end their own lives. (i can empathize, don't think that i'm mocking these people, i truly know how they felt)

well, i think that's it. *ahem* everyone, feel free to tell my why i'm wrong...so i can post a comment to you that consists of the words HAH and HAH. jk. anyway, leave me comments, for real. (BFG, wth is with the mammy thing???)

oh, yeah, one other thing, what's everyone think about my new colour??

IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO THE SPAMMERS ARE, I'M GONNA STRANGLE THEM!! I'M SERIOUS, EITHER LEAVE A NAME AND A MESSAGE THAT MEANS SOMETHING (at least not obvious that you copied and pasted it) OR JUST STOP LEAVING COMMENTS!!! NO ONE WANTS TO VISIT THEIR BLOG AND FIND A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS TRASH IN THE COMMENTS AREA!!

...?

i can't honeslty think of anything to say...school is giving me sooo much homework. um, i'm in creatvie writing and it's really fun especially since the guy i sit next to is pretty funny. well, i guess that's all for now, when i can actaully think of something worthwhile to say, i'll say it, but til then, remember me!

Sadness of a Friend

I'm tearing myself apart
For how stupid I've been.
I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.

I'm taking that advice
And I promise that I'll try.
Yeah, you got through to me
So please, just don't cry.

I know it's not logical
To swallow a battery
But I thought that it could
Maybe help to set me free.

I promise I'll call you
If I get that close again
Because I will not be responsible
For the sadness of a friend.

Dedicated to Annie
dammit, annie, wth?

The Note

I'm so tired of being alone
I just want it to end
I know that I'm a horrible person and
I'm sorry for that.
I'm scared to die but
I'm sick of living a lie
And hiding all the pain inside
I never promised that I would live
I just said I'd try
And I really did.
People say suicide is selfish;
Perhaps it is if someone would miss me
But no one would.
I wanted help, but no one listened
Now I just want it all to end.

Help me
or
Let
Me
Die!

i want to kill myself. i want to die in the most painful and bloody way possible. i want to finally let everyone know that i'm not the quiet one who keeps to themselves. that i would destroy everything if i had the chance. that if i could get the courage to kill myself, i wouldn't waste any time doing it. i almost did today. almost. i wish i had. i'm sick of living with this pain and i want it to end. the part that gets me is that i don't really wish my body any harm. it's more the fact that i just want to feel the death creeping in on me. i want to know that i'm destroying myself. but i can't destroy this body because where would the voices go then? they don't want me to die, but one of them sure wants my blood. all the time sometimes. mostly when i'm at school. where, of course, there's nothing i can do to act on that, unless i can get a knife and get it into the bathroom and end things there. but, and this may seem irrational, i don't want to die anywhere that someone could find my body and have their life ruined by it. i mean, just because i'm all fucked up doesn't mean that other people deserve the same thing. i guess that's the reason i'm still living (and i haven't beaten halo on legendary yet, yes that is something that i'm living for). but i want to die. i hate myself. i fucking hate myself. and there's no one that i can talk to about it without screwing their life up too. people have their own problems, they don't need to hear mine. (this is the exeption, my OD is just poetry pretty much, this is where i can say stuff like this) guess that's it. i hate myself. i reasearched the battery thing more and it says that small batteries like watch batteries and hearing aid batteries won't kill you. (there's a whole page dedicated to this topic, quite interesting actually) now i'm just wondering...russian roulette. there's a 50/50 chance that the battery would burst inside me and burn me with the acid. i want it. i've hit myself, cut myself, done stupid things to hurt myself, but i've never swallowed a battery before. i think i know where one is too. now i just want to know when the acid might hit me. i'd prefer the middle of the night when no one would notice and drag me to the hospital. 50/50 is pretty good. i like it, the fear that it might burst and might not. it's funny, in a way, i like to control things about myself, but i'd rather leave this to chance. and hope that it bursts.

Maze

Do not get lost
In this maze that you've built
As the faces appear
And fill you with guilt.
The walls rise up
Until they can't go any higher
And they're made of your fear,
Shadows, and fire.

I see you tremble inside
As you make a decision:
You vow to change
The way that you're living.
But the path never ends
So you hold the knife closer.
How you would change
You never knew for sure.

And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.

You take a wrong turn
And freeze in place
To meet the wall of memories
In front of your face.
You turn around quickly
But you've been boxed in
And you scream one last time
Before you face yourself again.

And the walls, they are made
Of your fears and desire
But you see them as nothing
More than shadows and fire.


I wrote this a while ago. i'm just being lazy and i didn't want to talk about school, so i dug through an old binder. actually, it's not that old. i wrote it last month i think. or something. anyways, keep breathing, and remember me.

First Cut

Taste the salt of my tears
I fear what I want to do
So filled with hate that I couldn't
Stop
Touch the smoothness of my death
The sharp corners that turn light
To darkness
Hear my sobs before
And after I can't stop
Laughing
The smell of incense and smoke and
Sulfur
I burn in my own personal hell
Echoes of his voice taunting me
So I cut through them
Cut as hard as I can so the sound
Dissolves to my blood
Laughing so hard with tears in my
Eyes
I shatter the shell of my heart
And become numb
The day darkens and I hear
Laughing from inside.


yay, i am now officially in creative writing. i got to write this and not worry about the teach turning me in to the counselours cuz he didn't take them up. prompt: the first time we did something, but it couldn't be school. well, obviously i chose the first time that i cut myself. depressing yes, but i couldn't think of anything else. and i haven't been able to think about much but the knife i hid anyway. so that worked vaguely well. i really think that this year will be kinda fun, i have a pretty good schedule soooo, if i can care this year, i should raise my gpa a lot. and i happen to be with the band, so i no longer have to say that i am completely alone on friday nights. which is good. at least it gets me out of the house.

anyway, today was the first day of school. damn principal. he invited all the parents to attend with us. yeah, right. mine were like, awwww hell no. not that they actually said that, but it was pretty much the same. sooo, we got free lunch and an hour and something to eat it. and only 25 minutes in each class. kinda funny watching the teachers already nervous about school trying to get through the syllabi in that short a time.

my dad also started spazzing on me tonight. our computers are hooked together and we were trying for a network, but we didn't get that yet. i'm hooked up to his DSL box, so if he unplugs that, then i'm offline too. well, he unplugged it, and i asked him to not (i thought i was pretty polite about it). but he said something like, sorry to bother you, and slammed the cords back into the box. geez, wtf? and they said that they'd come to the game tonight. but, of course, they didn't show up. whatever. guess i didn't want them there anyway. damn parents.

Beat the Wall

I beat the wall and scream aloud
To hide what is within me
And even though the blood runs down
I turn against myself again
To kill the only living part of me
That happened to survive
And I turn again to darkness
And the light blinds my eyes
Pain is the only sound I fell
Fell so far and I wanted to run
But there was not choice of that
I look upon the scars each day
To see if they will fade
I want to die and scream
For everything that I ever thought
Was mostly false and pain remembers
The way I was and what I knew
Back before I thought this way
Back before I fell into the darkness
I want to cry but tears mean blood
And blood means that death is there
Take this knife from my hands
And rip my heart out because I can no longer move
Or speak or wish for help
There is no help for the likes of me
No one would listen to the voices I know
Whisper to me what you will
There are three and I am one
Who am I to deny them what they wish
For I am not always that strong
And I want to let them control it all
So I scream and hit the wall.

Blackness in the Centre

I. Before the Storm

Bury me at twilight
Because I crave the dark wind
Whisper to me wonders
Of the kind that never end
When I am nothing more than ashes
I will sing again...
But til then
Allow the stars to shine forever.


II. The Storm

I die every time I take the knife
KILL ME
KILL MY DREAMS
KILL EVERYTHING THAT I'VE WORKED FOR
I AM NOTHING
MAKE ME NOTHING
TAKE THIS BLOOD
TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME
TAKE MY SOUL
YOU WANT IT
LET THE BLOOD FLOW FROM ME
I SCREAM EVERY TIME I CRY
AND THIS BLOOD IS MY LIFE
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
FOR I AM NOTHING
AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF ME
BUT THIS BLOOD I HAVE
SLIT MY ARMS WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE
SO I RUN FROM YOUR EYES
AND I AM NOTHING MORE THAN THIS
I die every time I take the knife


III. After the Storm

I will wait for the silence
And I shall not be torn away
When the blood runs down my arms
Into the vortex I allowed to be.
I will listen for the quiet
And my heart will beat again
When the whispers no longer coax me
Into making the ultimate decision.
Is it life or death?
And would anyone really care
If it was the latter?

To Label Ourselves

well, i finally got my schedule straightened out. not that it matters or anything. but whatever. this year should be pretty easy. if i can make myself care enough to try...unlike last year.

well, kids, today's topic is labels!!! and not that kind you find on glass bottles!!! i looked goth up in the dictionary. i can't be a goth, i'm not german. course, i can't be much of anything (thought i'd say that before someone else did). but uhh, the encyclopedia says something else entirely. but that leads to more labels and i have now at this moment desided that it's not worth it to follow all of those links. however, neither of these things lets me understand what being a goth really is. i've been called that, often, and i don't really know why. just because i wear all black? or is there something else? i don't know. and what about punk? what is that? the dictionary didn't help, and the encyclopedia didn't either. so, what is that exactly, because what i thought of as punk was listed under goth...geez, i am so confused. hmm, i tried prep. i won't even put a link to the dictionary, it was useless. these things just aren't the definitions i thought they were. prep doens't sound like a derogatory word, but that's the only way i hear it used. as is goth. i guess all labels are just meant to be mean. to classify one person as something or other. because that person or group of people upsets someone and they must have a word to describe it. i'm guilty of using labels too. i think just about everybody is.

humans fear the strange and unknown. it must be qualified, labeled, and set aside. this makes us feel better, but it doesn't change what we have labeled, it changes us.

So I'm Lazy...

ahh, i haven't written anything recently. poem-wise that is. tried to work on one, but i couldn't think of anything that rhymed with death besides breath and meth (crytal that is), but those don't work, soooo....i'm trying not to post anything exeptionally suicidal on here. or dark. or creepy. wait...i am those things...damn. ahh, well, i challenged a guy to a game of halo. he says he's very good. i say hah. soooo, i guess i'll practise a little on that. or a lot. i can't get passed this one point in the first game (legendary) and it's driving me insane...

crap. i wish i didn't have to hide what i feel. and that i didn't have to worry about what i would do to other people if i told them. and that i hadn't started a whole nother journal thing becasue i was afraid for people to know. but they do know. they just don't say anything. and it's so obvious what i am. sometimes it's just pointless for me to stick around on this earth. and i keep a knife in my room. lies, all lies. and i live them. and wish that they were true, sometimes. or that i could at least go one day and not feel guilty for drawing my next breath. guilty for everything i've put everyone through. and all i have left to say is...i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for the way that i am. and i want out, but it's so far and i can't reach, i can't touch the door
and it's the last thing i'll ever say to you
if you'll give me the chance to speak
everything that i've said and every tear
every wasted breath that spoke a lie
that denied the obvious blaring truth
would kill my soul more than you'll ever know
and i'm sorry for being this way
so i could tell you one day about the stupid things
i'v done and the lies i've said
i'm sorry forever, and it's all my fault
that my world is going to end.

well, so much for not posting anything depressing anymore...damn it.

Wishing Well

Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
Drop a penny in
Wait for the water to still
Shattered dreams to rings
Around the moon I'll sing
Drift into a dream land
Where mist consumes my every action
Stars to glisten and tear me apart
To whisper inside me...
To whisper...
In my heart.
Turn me around
To sit at the wishing well
The ripples slow...
And the water is still.


hmm, i'm pretty certain it sounds like i'm on something. what is it with writing about anything dreamlike or naturey that makes me sound high? anyway, i welcome everyone and scream (alright, just think) my happiness that someone besides annie has commented. (no offense annie, but uhhh, yeah, i'll leave it at that) well, is everyone ready to head back to school??? *ducks as rocks are thrown* hey!!! it was just a question!! well, at least no one has to put up with She Who Says We March Outside In The Middle Of the Day (aka mrs gale) for next week. then i work, then i scream at the stupid counselor cuz she couldn't get my schedule right...again...for the 4th time (or is it the 5th...?). then i work more. then i have an emotional breakdown (always good to plan ahead) and then i can go back to school and quit this damn job. it's not that it doesn't pay enough, i think it's great! but, uh, i hate people, and i hate calling people, and i just hate having to work with people in general (present company excluded course). and i'm really just sick of it. at least at school, people don't ask me what i did to my arm...or if they do, they accept some lame excuse or whatever. i uh fell down the stairs and uh i was also carrying a knife and uh i have a cat. yeah. hmmm, well, wasn't this fun and exciting??? no??? yeah, i didn't think so.

Here's Something Shocking

i hate it when people harass me, damn it! so i'm not like everyone else!!! big fat hairy deal!

Shocking Facts:
1. I have never had a date
2. Nor do I want one
3. I hate $$
4. I do not wear stereotypic clothes (ie, skirts for girls, button downs for guys)
5. I do not have a car
6. I am not rich
7. I don't care what anyone thinks about me
8. I am a Social Outcast
9. If any of this bothers you, cram it up your-

Destroy A World

Threads in a tapestry
Woven together in rain
The green grass grows
To cover the pain
Lava bowling just below
The calm surface of Earth
Start to spin faster
To finish the death

Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space

The surface crumbles
The orbit is gone
And the Earth is left
To move rushing on
Too many stars
To keep her bound here
She's free
Now she has nothing to fear

Destroy a world
Kill a planet
We are nothing but spheres
Circling in space

Annie

I wish that I wasn't guilty
Of hiding what I am
That I showed people what they wanted
And kept the rest of it in
I wish that I could say
That I was truthful with you
But I can't let you know
The pain I'm going through
It takes so much of me
To keep writing this down
So please think kind things
When you finally find out
And I promise that I won't hide
If you ever find my heart
And I swear that I would tell you
If I knew where to start...

Icons

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stolen from punkchique

Red Rose

One red rose
To wish all the hurt away
And thorns to prick me
Every day

One blossom red
To mock my shame
And thorns to prick me,
Take my blame

One more tear
I break not bend
And thorns to prick me
In the end.

For the Sexually Abused Girls...

....................­...............
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......... ) ` - . .> ' `( .......
........ / . . . .`.. . . .. ........
........ . . . . . . . . ........
......... .. . . . ./ . ./ .........
...........­ `=(.. /.=` .........
...........­.. `-;`.-' ............
........­....... `) ... , ........
............­.... _.-' ........
............­. ,_ .._,/ ........
....... , ..... .. .' .............
.......­ .. .. ,. / .............
.... ,....` /.,Y.., ............
..... '-...'-._..../ .............
.......­.. >_.-`Y ..............
......­........ ,_ ...............
.....­...........l..l...........
.........­........ll..........
..........­.......ll...........
.........­........l/ ...........
.........­....................­...
This is to show support for all the girls who have been raped, molested, or otherwise sexually abused.

*Kaida, death is not the answer, nor will it ever be. It will never happen again, this i promise.
rose from punkchique

Back By Popular Demand

alright, alright, i'm posting, is this better???? anyway, i got a new computer, and before people start cheering for me *cue chirping crickets and dead silence*, let me just say that it took 4 paychecks to get it. i wanted a computer from wal-mart, a cheap one, like $3 hundred or something. well, my parents took me to best buy and i went to look at the games, cuz well, there'a new one for xbox *destroy all humans!!!!!!!!! oops, sorry* and i wanted to play it. i left my mom alone for no more than a half hour, and she had spent 15 hundred dollars!!!!! *flying cows, i don't even have that much in my account!!!!* alright, so it's a really feaking nice computer, and i got three games for it, but still, i mean really, that's just a little over the top. but i'm not complaing. faster than the other two computers that i have access to.

so um, what else am i supposed to say?? all my friends *alright, my two friends, the only two i've got* are both on vacation at the moment out of state. woo for them. i'm stuck back here going to band rehearsals *she's making us march in the freaking middle of the day!!! for 4 hours!!! man, what is she, insane??? uhhh, yes* and working at my well paying and dreadfully boring job. anyone want to trade whatever the hell it is that they're doing for my life??? oh, yeah, here's the highlight of my summer: i'm starting my legendary campaign on both halo games. well, guess that's about it.

oh yeah, i was watching a psychology movie thing *just for you, annie, moive* and i figured out that there are some more things wrong with me. heh. not that i didn't know that already, but i found out the seperate names. well, guess that's it. so by popular demand *from the only person who comments on here anymore* i posted again. do you be happy now?????


Awaken and sing!
The last song we'll ever hear.
Strike the lightning in me
To touch the words that we fear.
Awaken and rejoice!
That the end is near.
Destroy all the life that we've known
All the life we've craved.
O, give me the power
And allow me to waste away.

Again and Again

I twist myself and hit the wall
Again and again.
I twist and cry as the knife goes in
Again and again.
I shiver and shake as the fear returns
Again and again.
I stop and wish I could tell someone
Again and again.

You don't know my name
You've got no one else to blame
Don't take it out on me
Look at your own shame.
We are nothing but twisted metal;
Melt me to perfection.
Wipe the tears from my eyes
Take the knife from my hand.
We should be able to live,
Not curse this barren land.
I don't want it to hurt anymore
And I wish for that again and again
But more than that
I wish for a friend.
Again and again
I wish...
Again and again.

Twist me, break me
Make me more than this.
I don't want to hate,
I don't want to hurt,
Can't let this fear consume me.
I want to lose the knife
And keep my life.
Shiver and shake
When I hear Your name.

Twist and cry
Throw the knife away.
Wipe my eyes,
Heal my cuts
And live another day.

Just to Update

here's some more links on the 'gay' camp.

another investigation.
Zach's blog in the news

To the Pain

read this and tell me that it isn't wrong. some people can just be so sick minded. and then to pass their evilness on their children...it's just so digusting. and i am a Christain, but this is blasphmey, pure and simple. what do these people hope to gain??? we need to do something about this. and it can't wait, it must be now!

go here for some good links and more information.

Purple Passion?

why is it that people never say they love something with a purple passion? what is it about the colour purple that inspires people to hate? (except for the fact that it's usually matched with pink and who doesn't hate pink...but i digress) why is it that it's only possible to hate something with a purple passion?? hmm, another mystery of life.

why, when someone gets into trouble, are they in a jam? or in a pickle? how, exactly, would you get someone into a pickle? or into a jar of jam for that matter? and wouldn't most people like being in jam cuz they'd get to eat it?

why is kitty litter called that? i mean, it's in a box, so it's not really litter. or a litter of kittens for that matter.

i promise, i'm not on acid. i haven't even licked any stamps!!!!! i promise!!!!!

Couldn't I?

Couldn't I cry just once in my life
Without remembering the past and the pain?
Couldn't I borrow just one golden day
To free me from these chains?

Couldn't I love just once in my life
Without pulling away from their touch
Couldn't my heart stop shaking in fear
And give up leaning on this crutch?

Couldn't I sing just once in my life
Without hating the way that I sound?
Couldn't I like the sweet melodies
That leave my heart in bounds?

Couldn't I laugh just once in my life
Without being covered with guilt?
Couldn't I listen to everything here
Without leaving me killed?


nice to know that some people found me. heh. kinda makes me feel warm and fuzzy like the fascinating cheese we found in the fridge...ah, sorry, i was helping with cleaning out the fridge and some of the stuff we found was just...well, let's say...interesting science experiments...

Don't Leave Me

Don't leave me alone here
In this place where my thoughts consume me
Don't let me realize
All the things that I could do
Don't tell me
That none of this is real
Because I've felt it coming
In this place where words mean nothing
Please, don't leave me alone here
I don't want to do what I'm doing
Take the knife out of my hand
And don't leave me alone here.


and before people start freaking out, i didn't write this about me, it's about someone else. so chill. no worries, i only feel like this when i'm working. and i really hate my job. a lot. i hate it. but i love the pay. at least it's only for the summer.

Divisi

What need have I of emotions?

You must run
You must run!
You must save us!
There is no hope
No hope!
We are doomed!
And there is naught
We can do...

I must maintain this distance

We will kill them all!
The fools,
They see nothing
But pretend great knowledge
They deserve death
Tear them apart
Draw blood from them
Listen to their screams...

I must not allow them control

Come, taste of us
See the beauty
There are hidden things
We can show you
Come, come
Follow me into this veil
Of passion...

I must build a glass wall

This is what we deserve
We deserve this blood
Pouring from our skin
We deserve this pain
raging in our heart
We must not
Continue to live...

It only ever happened once, Kaida
It will never happen again.

Dudes

my mom was highly uncomfotable with the quizzy thing i took, so i deleted it. any advice what my new addy should be?

I'm Crazy

Top 5 Reasons to Keep A Job
1) car
2) computer
3) xbox live
4) phone line
5) i hate begging off my mom

i actually like my job. so i think that i'm mental. and really, it's not bad. i just look stuff up, call people, and put it in an excel sheet. woohoo. and my team is really fun. they all make fun of each other. which is kool cuz i fit in just fine. and i'm getting paid $9.35 an hour. so that makes it all good. and i'm tired, so i can't think of anything else to say...oh yeah, go take my quiz! (if you know halo2...)