Commemoration?

AND IN OUR ARROGANCE WE BURNED

PRETENDING WE WERE NOT BEING PUNISHED

LET US BURN

LET US FALL

UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD IS LIT UP

WITH OUR VOICES

All gave some

Some gave all

Rain of Dirt

Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today in memory of the dawn
And mourn the passing of the sun,
Notwithstanding the unforgiven tides of humanity
Lay him down among his sanity.
Necessarily with words and music raised
This road unpaved.

Now we lay us down to death
And pray all fear has from us fled.

Close the Bible, drop the rose,
Untitled harmonies in shades of gold,

Now we lay us-
Now we lay us-

Dearly beloved,
Rise with me to sing the songs
In melody slow and octaves strong.
Raise your hands and drop your eyes
To the grave, to the one inside.

Look up from hell and hold my hand
Take your blame and understand.

Close the Bible, grip the rose,
Hold it up, the bloom re-grows.

Dearly departed,
Now we’ve laid us down to death,
Hold my hand and hold your breath…

Goodbye, Fichewl

And with all the lights you shot into the dark
I never thought your soul would be so stark
I stand back against this cold wall
And watch your destruction, your downfall
With hands held to my chest
I wait and wait for your dying breath
All you wished on him I wish on you
Vengance is this bright hate I hold for you
Friends come and go, now you're gone too
I held such respect for the projection you showed me
But I find now you're just rotten underneath
I wish we could part with the broken sword of friends
But with what you said, I'm glad THIS is the way the world ends
Not with whispered words of peace and hope
But with your lies around your throat
I kneel against the wall and begin to pray
"Vengeance is mine; I will repay..."
Romans 12:19 gently cradles my bleeding soul
God has more wrath than what you know...

First Fatality, First Loss

The last few days have sucked. I was at my first fatality scene Saturday. Bad car wreck.



Now I find out


that Saturday




A friend of mine died in a wreck






RIP TJ Hughes. Fellow bandie. You're missed...

w00t!

I did it! I made a news blog!!!

^_^

Bemused Outrage

So...about Andrew Feldmar

His article

What happened

Outrage

And for those of you who don't want to read all that: Adrew Feldmar experimented with LSD and other substances in Canada 30 years ago, "I was 27 years old, thought of myself as a rational scientist, and had no experience with delirium, hallucination, or altered mind states. I was curious." (his article) Now, he's not allowed into the US of A anymore, even though he's passed across the border numerous times before. He worked in America and his children live there. To be allowed back into the states, he'd have to sign a waiver, which would cost a considerable amount ($3500) and make him say that he had been rehabilitated, even though he was never addicted in the first place, and it happened 3 decades ago. (to get the full feeling of rage, you'd have to read those articles)

I'm beginning to think about moving out of the country. This is deplorable! America is no longer the land of freedom it once was. I'm fairly ashamed to live here. Every day it just keeps getting worse, how America is slighting other countries and/or foreign citizens. Something has to break. America has gotten too powerful for her own good. She seems to stand for freedom and yet...there's so many ways that we feel just like prisoners.

Be careful what you say.
Be careful what you do.
Big Brother's watching you

Here's irony for you: the old George H W Bush basically admitted to using marijauna, and his son is rumoured to have used cocaine in conjunction with a drinking problem. Clinton is more than rumoured to have done many different drugs, although the testimonies are not as trustworthy as possible. But the point is, these men were presidents. The leaders of the country that is now turning away a man for using drugs three decades ago. What the hell?

Here's an article on another blog that I really like.
And one on yet another blog.

Yes, I'm late on this, but when it came to my attention finally, I couldn't help but post about it. I'm tempted to start an all news blog just for crap like this. It's great. Amazing. Damn. What the hell is wrong with America?

Why? Because I Can

Little boy blue
Come blow your horn
The sheep's in the meadow
The cow's in the corn
Now where is that boy
That looks after the sheep?
He's out picking flowers
With little Bo Peep

Little boy blue
He takes his axe
Raises it to give her
A couple whacks
Then he cries
As he sees his black sin
For tomorrow he'll be
In the loony bin

l e t i t b e d o n e

and don't you know

the darkness grows

tomorrow we'll fade

to re-enter our graves

whispering to the sun

LET IT BE DONE

v-*-v

I know what you're feeling
I always know what you're feeling


So why do you try to hide it from me




Don't you know









I have no soul?

Remember to Dream

What angels have fallen?

The stars in the sky
The boat on the sea
Just the clouds and me
Just the wind and sails
Legends and tales
Magic isn't real
So what is this I feel
In sparks and shocks and dark little dreams
What does it mean?
Magic isn't real
Magic doesn't feel
Magic doesn't make you want to scream
In pain
I know what you're thinking
I always know what you're thinking
You don't believe in magick
Faithless little heretic
Think about it
What is it you feel?
Is it your nerves of steel?
Or desire to kill
And slaughter?
You're Fate's daughter
What angels have fallen
To the song of your pipes
Your voice
It was never your choice
Reluctant Shadow
Open up and feel

Endless

Wax the sun, wax the moon
Green grasses do grow
A candle in my heart
A motion in the dark
On the table is a bottle
Green
Black
Empty
To everything but the stars
To the sky
What angels have died
Savouring the taste of vengance?

It's Official

i've found poetry that makes me sick to my stomach. i wonder if i ever used to write like that...gosh...i hope not...eww...

*massive shudders*

The faithless understand
We'll all be damned
We'll all be damned


i feel so damn blah lately


She cries herself to sleep
Telling herself 'Do not weep'
But she cannot stop the tears


i need a job. i need to look for a car. i need to look for an apartment. i need to backfile my taxes. i need to apply for college. i need to learn to move on, stop hanging onto my youth...just let go of it all. it's so hard to let go...it's so hard to move on...i just want to be comforted...i just wanted a family...

i feel so damn blah


stopped meeting my eyes in the mirror. my own eyes...kills me...

what does it matter, though.
never get better
never remember...

started feeling this way after i wrote all that...all that...all that...

i wish i could take it back...but it's written and saved and i can't let it go now...

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER
my subconscience begs to differ

whatever


if i have to live with mystery
and memory

i can do it
i can make it
i can live

can't i?


honestly, i don't know

i'm so confused...

and i feel so damn blah!

i want to shake this off
and do what needs to be done
start learning how to live
start learning to have fun

i just wanted a family for a while...

I couldn't think of anything to say...

so here's a whole lot of silence

Satan's Brine

She opened the door
While every movement shot through her heart
And tried to remember
What she was hiding from




Butterflies and moonlight
And little girls lost in the dark

Bruise on the Wrist

Thus thy heart in silence, break
Embrace the tears we now forsake





One drop for lonliness

One drop for shame

One drop for the children

Writhing in pain





Tear out my tongue in mortal splendor
Embrace my tears that must end here





One drop for the broken

One drop for the dead

One drop for the voices

That live in my head





Silent witness to this ghastly crime
Embrace my tears in Satan's brine





One drop for the haunted

One drop for the damned

One drop for the shadows

Wandering this land





Thus thy heart in silence, break
Embrace the tears we now forsake...

Forbidden Fruit

Innocence is overrated

I'd rather know the darkness


Than face something I wasn't expecting






Why does everyone insist on purity?


I'd rather know

I'd rather expect it




I insist on knowledge



Wasn't that what the serpent said?







You'll know life and death









I want to know...

Crow

Heaven is a point at the bottom of the bottle
I blaze away the night's smoke
And pull open the door
Smooth my ruffled feathers
He's sitting at the bar in his arrogance
The Master of glass bottles and broken hearts
Deceptive solace
I clutch the smoke around me
It's a long flight and we must be off
Must be ready to shatter stars
A broken piano plays in the corner
My melody comes in broken bars
Like broken bottles
Shall we dance, m'lord?
My feathers caress his face
I'll smother his idle dreams of love
The angels he finds in heaven
Blue lips, red eyes
My feathers catch at his coat
And from his heart a pearl of light
Now begins the flight
I turn with his soul in my beak
My melody plays
I blaze away the night's smoke
And leave heaven in an upturned bottle









I joined the fire dept. here. It's awesome! We've had a lot of fires recently, too. 'Course, I can't do much yet cuz my training is a little less than zero lol. But! It's really neat. I've been to two trailer fires (yeah, house trailer), a factory alarm, and a car wreck. The wreck was the worst, they had to bring in a 'copter for one of the people. A pickup flipped over, quite a bit I guess, two people inside, crazy stuff. Crazy crazy...

Liquid Fluid Science Fish

Sometimes I lose my voice...

It's hard to regain something you've placed aside, taken for useless, discarded, ignored. It's hard to remember what fluid motion is when you've lived in an angular world for so long.



What was I saying again?

Sometimes I can't remember the way things should be. Almost like I lose my sanity. Briefly. However, it could be just that there's too much noise in my head...

(a - b)/(a + b) = tan [(A-B)/2] / tan [(A+B)/2]
cos(2x) = cos^{^2}(x) - sin^{^2}(x) = 2 cos^{^2}(x) - 1 = 1 - 2 sin^{^2}(x)
tanh(x) = sinh(x)/cosh(x) = ( e ^x - e ^-x )/( e ^x + e ^-x )
df / ds = df / dx * dx / Ds + df / dy * dy / Ds

What was I saying again?

It's the whispers, sometimes. I don't know...

Maybe it's just me. I can get so distracted. So lost, confused, horrified.

Remember...it's got to be perfect. Perfect or wrong. Why does it ever have to be wrong? Why can't it just be? Why do I have to explain who I am, when obviously, obviously, I'm nothing to consider? I have nothing to explain. I have nothing to lay out for you. For anyone.

Don't judge me

What was I saying again?

There are children giggling outside. Except it's one in the morning. Who do I hear? Those little voices in my head, don't you know, she's crazy, crazy. Those little lies, they were so beautiful, now I've lost them all. What were the Trinity's names?

Rita

Kaida

Tammy

The whore, the murderess, la llorona. The voices I had in me the whole time. How do I say goodbye to the three voices in my head? How do I just walk away?

Can I walk away?

What was I saying again?

Maybe I never lost my voice, maybe I just haven't let it out enough.

That's probably what it is

Since this is really long

Sunset

Now comes the dark ages
All the world was on fire
We stand living in ashes
We stand remembering the passion
When the whole world
Was bright and burning
One million voices raised
To turn away the silence
The flames kept back the violence
Now where is the vengeance?
Comes the dark ages
All the world was on fire
Now we live in ashes

Self Portrait

Do you know her?
The pretty little girl
All laughter and curls
Sweet hazel eyes
(Dear childhood,
I'm writing to say goodbye)
Do you see her?
In her Sunday dress
Playing in the dirt
Such a mess!
(I don't want to see you
When I close my eyes)
She's the quietest one
Always reading some book
She's hooked
To the words and sounds
(I can't visit you
Anymore)
She's the little angel
Playing with toys
So very quiet
She doesn't make a noise
(You remind me too much
Of all I abhor)
She's the sweetheart
Smiling in pictures
Now she's all in black
Hiding the punctures
(Goodbye forever)

Mother's Mayhem, in the Key of Demise

The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too

You smile that souless smile
The bitter one full of death and guile

I've hated you forever
And it's never gotten better

The way you treat me makes me pause
Watch my soul writhe caught in your jaws

I feel so lost...

The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too

Force me into a dead end hall
Got my back against a wall

RIGHT BEFORE THE FALL

I lash out around me
Take you all with me
Burn you all with me
Destroy you all with me

The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too

(ALL I EVER ASKED WAS COURTESY AND RESPECT
BUT YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING LEARNED THAT YET)

When I think about what you've done
It makes me want to run

Run away from your lying eyes
You're always the one I truly despised

Force me further, I dare you
Things'll happen that'll scare you

Senseless rage
You let it out of the cage

Rerun
Undone
Home run

Back to the way I shivered before
When hope was blocked by the demon's door

The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too

You tell me it's for my own good
Do you actually EXPECT my blood?

Every word you ever taunted me with
It's come down to this

The last thing you ever do
And you make sure I hate you too

She Forgot You Again. Told You So

Tragedy of integrety
Bitter eye to eye we stand
Immortal harmony
Faithless friends

It's getting under my skin

Where were you again?



I don't need you anymore

Yet she's the one to ignore you

Why should I have to comfort you
In silence hold my breath
I loved you to death
And where were you?

In her clutches the whole time

You were never mine


Why should I be there for you?

Why should she not care for you?

And why should I keep a candle
Lit for one no longer a friend?
Sometimes it's more than I can handle
I just want this to end

Accept

I can taste the ashes again
I remember what the ashes mean
They mean death
They mean blood
They mean pain
Shouldn't have left the dark haven
Shouldn't have given myself away
Shouldn't have thought i could live again
i am the fool
i am the sinner
i am the one who should pay
16 more scars to mark the day
How many times have i tried?
Too many
Too many to count
When i cry it makes no sound
i'll lay down on the ground
Wither back to dust
Broken hearts were meant to be lost
Little angel girl
i'll make sure your wings stay broken
i'll make sure there's no hoping
i'll make sure there's no love again
i'll be your only friend
Keep you down in the dark
Where you'll get to learn all the art
Shape the shadows
Mold the hate
Little angel girl
Accept your fate

No Where to Go

Every morning I wake up
Pull myself through another day
Despite what I keep telling myself
I know it's not okay

I look to the sky and wonder
About the life I want to live
It's so far like the stars
It's nothing like what I've been given

There's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here

Secrets are the way of life
The way I spend my time
Before anyone knows I'll be gone
Wandering into the sun

Cuz there's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here

I wake up every morning
Wishing I had a purpose
The way I look at people
Seems to make them nervous

They don't see many dreamers
In this small town that I'm from
But I am a new wave of man
That'll put them on the run

(I'll make my place
I'll make my place
Give myself some space
And behind my eyes
I'll wake up inside
I'll make my place
Somewhere to go
From here)

There's no where to go from here
No where to go
I keep living one day at a time
Living while dying inside
Cuz I have no where to go
From here

She Swallowed the Stars

When we danced in the moonlight
Against the clouded sky
Of midnight
The twilight and fireflies
Were we dreaming again?
Wind in the trees and flowers
In the breeze
Whatever we had was gone
Long before dawn
Long after the song stopped though
We still carried on

To dream again
In a reality of cherry blossoms
And apple blossoms
And pear blossoms
And bloody fingers tapping my face
To dream again
We'd have to recreate
The lost hours in the garden
Trying to find Adam

And Eve

Sometimes there's a voice in the sky
Reminding us why
We had to leave the desire
The destiny
The dancing
And the soft glow behind
But mostly we ignore it
Because it hurts too much to look back
Because it hurts too much to live

Are we really dreaming again?

Is anyone even awake?

Is this my dream?

Or am I part of yours...

Carry On

When you're gone I can still taste your kiss
Remember every moment of bliss
The way you held me so tight
When I broke down and cried

When you're gone I can still feel your touch
How you love me so much
In my heart I can feel it
This is real, so

When you're gone
Remember my love
Will carry on
Remember,
My love
It's not too long...
When you're gone
My love will carry on

When you're gone I remember our stupid fights
And how we made everything alright
The way we both hurt each other
But ended up more in love than before

When you're gone I remember our time together
How our hearts beat in time together
How we breathed in time together
How we moved in time together
Our amazing time together

And I remember
Your love will carry on

Remember,
My love
It's not too long
When you're gone
My love will carry on

When you're gone
My love will carry on

Ishmael Ax

Does it really matter? Poets and writers all have certain things that mean something to them that no one else can make sense of. I do. All the other dreamers i know do.

Lost in Darkness?

We mourn for the dead. We mourn for the living. Why can we not mourn for the one who deserves it most?

Celebrate the lives once lived. Remember in joy through a veil of tears. Remember...youth is not gauranteed, nor is old age. We are not told to expect life. We are granted a shot. Sometimes...we cannot make it...

Mourn the lost. The lost soul. The lost spirit. The lost talent. The lost years. The lost voice in the crowd that could stand out even if to only one person.

Hate me...

For I would rather give a thousand tears to the murderer, who will always be remembered with hatred and disgust, than one tear to the rich children, with happy lives, who have a thousand to mourn them.

Hate me...

Because I would rather go to the funeral of Cho Seung-Hui than I would the vigil of all 33 victims.

Hate me...

Because I look at the sun...and see only the possibility of moon, stars...

...and darkness...

The Darker Side: In Tribute to Virginia Tech

Silence is the blood in my veins
So many years of sorrow
Do we share the touch of history?
Do we share the rage of the downtrodden?
Rise my brothers!
Broken in the past of millions
Milleniums in minutes
The suffering, the sorrow
How do we begin to show you who we are?
And when we do part our lips in protest
Why do you deny us even that beautiful lie
Of mercy?

To those who have known the touch of pain and hate and rage...
To those who have known the desire for blood
For the death of those who torment you
For the destruction of all that's out of your grasp
For the injustice of everything
To those who had no other choice
Between being consumed inside
And lashing out

This is for you

Calamity of Touch

This burning fury
Your hand on my back.
Light, so light
I almost forget it's there,
Almost fall into a dream,
Until I open my eyes
And realize you're the dream.
Realize I imagined your touch
Because you're not next to me
Not anywhere near me.
You're far away.
And I wonder,
Do you ever feel my touch
When you're sleeping and wake suddenly?
Do you remember me against you,
How we took on one rhythm?
I wonder if you miss me
As much as I miss you.
Sometimes I hope you don't
Because it seems too much to bear...
But all the other times
I pray you do
Because
If you didn't
I would die
Remembering
Your
Touch...

Study of Dry Roses

Dried roses my heartache
Tender whispers of pain
And when I want to cry
I stand out in the rain
Mask the trace of my tears
That I'm sobbing in shame




But when I touch the petals
I fade to dust
And settle down
Between the mold and rust

One Flat

There was a scale on the page
One octave: C Major
Current mindset has it
She changed it to d minor
And went on her way

Secret # 492

There's a nail in the wall
Sometimes I wonder what the nail saw
What horrible words were spoken
What small light was broken
Who's spirit was destroyed
What he said to throw them in the void
Sometimes I wonder what the nail knows
Wonder if it feels the same pain that grows
Inside the people he likes to kill
Who pretend their hearts are Jesus filled
I wonder if the nail could speak
If it would scream and shriek
And demand justice for us all
For the dark angels lost in the fall
Sometimes I wonder if that nail can hear
Can take the secrets it has to bear
Or if it gave up it's metal ghost
And decided all of us are lost...

World Vision

In winter and death
Silver drops of moonlight
On her breath
Broken winged angels
Dressed in rags
And bags
And sacks with ash
They come from the past
They are the song
That haunts the night
But when they take flight
Into the sky
It's their eyes that shine
Like stars
Music in bars
My minor melody
Natural harmony
And the expected
Unrestricted and complicated
Snake skin traitor
Violet rage
They drop a page
From the symphony of death
But I can still smell the moonlight
On her breath
As she dances on the grave
Of her mother

Nursery Rhyme

Hunter of the hunters
Pacifist day dreamer
And wooden doll

Will you sing how the trees do fall?

Will you whisper into the wind...
And pray the darkness come back again?

And how you wish the day would dawn gold
The young would rule the heavens
And the heaves would rule the old

The rain comes...
The rain comes
The rain comes...
The rain comes?

Where will you hide against the night
Where will you run against the eyes

Those wretched eyes
Those wretched eyes
Those wretched, wandering, roving eyes

Who will sing to the dawn?
Who will continue the song?
Who will pay the ultimate price...

We will rise!!!!

Have you checked the children?

*

Some like it hot
burning up burning fire burning fury fever heat fever pitch fever swell matches ashes we all fall down we all fall down we all...we all...and when we cry we scorch the ground...glory to the dead of fire and when we quest we search for power...
Some like it cold
freezing glance freezing touch freezing words icy roads icy minds icy heart snow fall snow ball we live in an igloo and turn to ice all that we know all that we know and we all fall down we all fall down like snow flakes to the ground we drift and scream and turn to ice turn to dead like logs like wood like men
Some like it dark
the sky went black from day to night and we all die inside we all fall down we all fall down and the sky is dark as hell as hell is red so is the heart of man and we all fall down worship and glory to the dead of sound amazing voices and lessons learned by the wind we'll take them back again take them back and teach them to sing sing sing we all fall down and with us the sound of a million voices melodyless and poor like the tramp at the door selling his soulless lies behind tired eyes we are the voices in your head make you wish make you wish you were dead
Some want your soul...

Would That the Trees Break

Would voice the way it falls
Broken wings and hollow eyes
Would tell the story
Would sing the song
But find it's been voiced all along
In four parts
A harmonious discord of damnation
Would present the lights
Would light the dawn
And draw the feathers from the ground
Glory-
Glory to the dead of sound-
And when-
And when we cry we scorch the ground-
Would repeat the rhymes
And hold the own
Would change the way it falls
But blood is rain
And rain is pure
Would light the darkend halls
Softly agonized and with great rebellion
Here is she...your last hellion
She'll be the one
She'll taste the blood
She'll lead the damned
She'll kill the dead
And bring the voices in your head
Would we were the dead of fire
And quest-
And quest for power-
Here is she, your own design
A bright red mark
Across a black line

Voiceless RAGE

If I have the courtesy to take all your pain
Shouldn't you at least give me your time?
If I have the courtesy to take all the blame
Shouldn't you at least FUCKING STAY AWAKE
I'll take it all away
I'll take it all away
Until my very self fades
Ethereal angel of mercy
And death
I'm the heartless beating in your chest
The rope that shreds
The hope that dies
The shadow of darkness in your eyes
I'll take it all away
I'll take it all away
And you know, you know, you know
That underneath this faded mask
I hold in rage from the past
Provoke me
Choke me
And I...
I'll take your pain
My courtesy runs short
My loyalty runs short
My honour fades to dust
And this sharpened blade begins to rust
All I ever asked was courtesy and respect
But YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING LEARNED THAT YET

Pathetic Empathic

Ransom your soul
Your gift and your curse
Violent eyes
Violent lies
Hang your head in shame or pain
Regardless
Those haunting eyes
Staticy, panicky voices in your head
(Make you wish
Make you wish you were dead)
A little more mercy
Oh, wandering voices
Tempest
Storm of eyes and blood
Raining down
Loser, lost in static
Pay attention!
There are voices afoot
Stalking
Gaurd your heart:

Here comes the last line

Was it lost again?
Do you...
Do you promise?
(Cross my heart
Hope to live forever)
Your little liar
Your little whore
Babylon could learn at my feet
Listen
Forgiven?
Don't forgive the damned
They only rise up again
Rebellion
Whispering wind
(Help me)
I'm the darkness in your soul
I'm the burnt edge on your toast
The bitter tang in your tea
The cloud above the sea...
Faithless?
I believe
I believe dancing is graceless
And when I fall
When the rocks on my back
Finally pull me down again
I'll prove you all wrong
Raging
Where is the window?
Violent eyes, lies, cries, nights
Wrong choice
Wicked children
When I grow up
I'll rule the world by fire
Because I will not be ignored
And ashes teach so many more lessons
Than bitter suffering

Disengage

Goodbye to yesterday
Goodbye to memories
Goodbye to the last chance
I had

So thoughtlessly run away
Tomorrow made me change
It was choices left to me
And all that I could see
The way you used me
(No more abuse)
The way I caved in
(No more excuse)
Only one thing left
One thing left to say

Goodbye to yesterday
Goodbye to memories
Goodbye to the last chance
I had

To leave this place
The pain and the disgrace
I just had to walk away
From all our yesterdays
And now I can't regret
(Some things were not so bad)
Cuz it's not finished yet
(I can't regret, regret)
My last words to you

Goodbye to yesterday
Goodbye to memories
Goodbye to the last chance
I had

To run away
(Make sure my soul was saved)
I had to turn my face
(And leave without disgrace)
I had to give it up
(Turn and run)
Before I fell
(Back to the dark)
Back into the nightmare
(No more abuse)
This time I WIL NOT LOSE

Goodbye to yesterday
Goodbye to the memories
Goodbye to the last chance

Sunday Sermon

Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from Hell
Rest our souls in darkness
Darkness?
Silent witness, let us pray
Bow, bow, bow your head
Before the guillotine
And pray, and pray
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us
Deliver us
Deliver us from those watchful eyes
Oh, deliver us
Pray, for tomorrow dawns dead
And we, the silent, arise
Is this a dream?
To interpret as we might?
Merely the sickened delusions of society
So pray, pray, pray
Like never before
And hope to heaven that tomorrow
Will dawn breathing
And whispering
Whispering:
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us...

It Kills Us...

K-k-kill the children
Leave them out in the snow
Lock the doors
Bar the windows
Watch them all go

Sh-sh-shiver the shutters
The wind doth shake
The house
The rafters
Watch what they take

La-la-lie to the Master
When he asks what you've done
They're dead
They're gone
They'll come back with the sun...

Stop

Look

Faithless?
Heretic
Solemn?
Heretic
Driven?
Heretic
Souless?
Heretic
BLOODY HERETIC!

Wait, just kidding

Last Memorial

She was in me
Holding me back
Pushing me down
Til I saw black
I was calling and stalling
Weeping into the wind
Crying for help
To get her out again
She was in me
Wanting my life
Screaming not to remember
Dying to live

RIP Jennifer Stowers
please...

Interrogation of the Fish's Interlude in G Major

Riptide, here is the sun...
Liquid nitrogen to drink us to sleep
Oh, drink us to sleep
Fall to the waves and the deep...deep...deep...
Repeat
Refrain
Refrain from the voices in your brain
Brain or mind
Rather, is this the time?
Time to live
Or time to die
Die or dye or die this suicide
In shades
Shades of deadly, deadly might
Might, bright, light, sight...
Night
Here, good knight, and take your sword
From the stone you stand
To hold this hand
Hand to me
To me
Me
I
Will
Dream
Until the moon stops shining...

Hearfelt Suicide

Listen...no, don't listen. I have nothing worth saying. Mock me as you wish. All I have is this lingering darkness. Linger...bad taste in my mouth...like blood and yet...there's something else.

Star light
Star bright
Give me the chance
To speak tonight

Wish I may
Wish I might
Take this darkness
And die inside

What do I have to offer you? I have my past, I lay that at your feet, to trample, to kick, to kill. I'll always play the fool, here with this loyalty I offer. Always play the one to fall, take the blame, I'll take your darkness away with my heart. It's what I do. Don't stop me from living this life in death. In death...in death...in death...

Slasher
Gasher
Bleeding red to black to red
Purest
Surest
One more and you're dead

Echo, me, I stand, I fall, I stand, I fall. I fall to earth and lose my wings. Was I an angel? Of darkness....of darkness....of light of hope and pain and darkness. I fall to earth and lose my wings. I fall to earth and lose my wings. I fall to earth and hope to start anew

Death defying
Strive to die an unassisted suicide
Last chance
Last chance to fall to hell
Hold my hand
And hold my hand
And hold my head to yours
And give me one kiss
Before the dark creeps in

May the Moon Stop Shining...

Return Return Return

*click*

Just got back from the Fiesta Bowl this morning. Slept all day (gosh damn 26 hours on a bus). Long story short, I didn't have to kill anyone. Just maim (I kid, I kid). It was fun. We placed 11th out of 12. Ok, so we sucked it up, but we were the only invited band from the state. Gosh. Got to see the Grand Canyon and all that jazz.

With all the voices raging, past the door, come, follow us down

Spent all our waking moments doing stuff. Swimming, practice, party, seminar, going some random place to eat. Got to see the Organ Stop. Simply amazing. Although now I'm completely sick of everyone in band. Wish they'd all just die...should say jk here, but I'm not really.

Take us at our word, follow, with all the voices in your ear, straight to the darkness

I played with something that I should never have touched...when will I learn to leave the spirit world to its own devices...here I am, shaken, unsettled, unclean, trying to convince myself that I wasn't...wasn't...involved...

She said 'Don't make me remember' but what am I if not an echo chamber?

She looked me over, ran her/my hands across her/my legs, answered my phone. She said it wasn't a bad body. She said she could accept this. I sat to the side, frozen, stuck, wanting to be myself and yet stopped. She typed back a message. She saw his picture. She smiled.

I was crying inside, following the trail of oblivion, calling and stalling and weeping into the wind

She wanted to meet him. She looked through my memories. I'm unclean...I'm dirty...cast her away, I have the control...easier said than done. I cried inside...and choked. Who am I? I could remember...nothing that I had ever been through before.

"Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep"

The fire raged and the bodies...the screams...it hurt, I was dying...no...she was...what was I doing? I had no control...

It was complications from Zoloft. Suicide. She was tempted by the daemons in the bathroom. She took too many pills. Settled down with her wine. When she realized what was happening, she was angry. The daemon looked on. She died from an assisted suicide. Case Closed.

So why do I still feel unclean...?

Agony of Waiting

I told you, once, forever ago, that I would go to your funeral. I'd lay one white rose on your grave, turn and walk away.

You're too young for red. Pink was never your colour. Too pure for purple, black, yellow, or orange. And blue...kiddo, you're beige eyes would never see that as beautiful. It's white, for all your lost innocence, and all that you had, but threw away.

One white rose...and every year I'll come back and lay one white rose on your grave, even when no one else remembers.

I've begged and pleaded, bargained, explained, asked, listened, talked, yelled...I can't take anymore. You didn't even last an hour after you promised...

I keep hoping and praying, I want you to pull through. Waiting on this side for what may never happen...

May the moon stop shining...

I dedicate this song to you...
And this to me...

In Dedication

To all the fire fighters anywhere in the world. May the moon stop shining...

Aodhan, my love, please, come back to me...always come back to me...

For Brittany

Victory inhibit
Let go of my hand
If you can't learn to fly
You can't learn to stand

If I am your hero
Dark angels are we
Listening to voices
Living through dreams

With sadness and mercy
The day must dawn
Creating a world
Where children aren't young

An echo, a shade
Glimmer from the past
This knowledge that comes
What we learn last

Though creatures all
We are a different strain
Similar and yet
Not quite the same

Something forbidden
In shades of grey
A mixture, a blend
Leading this way:

Step into the sun
Step into the night
Creature of darkness
Creature of light

Survivor's Song

The raging ones in silence sleep
Beneath the mind of all the numb
Into each house the darkness creeps
Bind together, make us one

And fire is the light of life
Desire old as blowing wind
Burns as sharp as jaded knives
Oh, tattoo on us our sin

Wretched survivors, like broken glass
Rise from the ashes to the sky
From the gates, allow us pass,
Allow our souls go by

One last time, in silence sleep
Touch hearts that shatter hard as bone
And in our rage, the darkness reap
That makes us stand alone




Credit must go to Cocaine Jesus and Aodhan for the inspiration ^_^

IN SILENCE SLEEP

Mark 4:39 KJV

And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

What to Say...

Once to the belly

Once to the heart

Quick one two, one two

Doubled over on the floor

Begging for less...

Hoping for more

-----

Banana coloured bruises

Lovely

Can't resist pressing them

To relive something of the pain

And pleasure...

Stop Breathing...

Didn't know i could hurt this much and still breathe...almost breathe...spent Thanksgiving with Aodhan...and now that we're apart again, it's like a part of me was ripped off...like i'm bleeding slowly on the inside...i know we'll be together again, i know we will...it just hurts so much...

No Regrets

*click me*

Lay bare my heart
Here I promise
With the thorn pulled from my side
Fingerprints of blood
To love and cherish
Before the rain comes
After the world ends
Forever and all eternity
Blackest void to brightest day
Spiral up
The one I love
Amor de mi alma
Truer feelings hath none
With all my heart
Body, mind, soul, spirit
Every word uttered
A devotion
To you, my love
Here I promise
Forever after
Lay bare my heart...

Slash Dot

We are your nightmares
To have and to hold
Lay waste your comfort...










What, were you expecting it to rhyme?

**************

"Immortality is not impossible, only unrealized."

-Sileny from "A Study in Philosophy"

***EDIT***

The summary of "Study" can be found here. ^_^ looking forward to finishing it.

( ' | , )

Darkness: the beast an eternity long with a million arms

Light: the saviour an eternity long with a million shields

Circle

Eyes of red, the daemon spoke with words reeking of sulphur and ash. Held her arms close, a fire surrounded her, tormenting her with his hell. Screaming, screaming to cut away the darkness, she shattered the dream, took in a deep breath. Night again. Unending night where the dreams took hold of her, took and tore and tortured. Faceless memories and premonitions. Unhinged, unforgiven, she stared to the sky. Moon and stars, out of her reach for eternity, velvet blue a soothing sight-for the undamned. She wiped her brow, lay down once again on the cool grass. A blanket of tears to cover her, a blanket of sorrow. The wind, crisp and fresh, teased her hair, toyed with her rags. Rising again, she stood and stared around. Perhaps moving on would ease the pain and dreams, erase the wretched ache in her bosom. Shivering, she walked to the west. An ocean passed by, suspended in a tube of hate. From the east, morning birds began their song, squeezing her chest tighter with each mournful greeting to the Master of Day. She stumbled and fell, her blood seeping into the earth. Barren. She shuddered, rose from the serpents of hungering death that quested her. A cave lay open, an offering of solace, relief, shelter. Quickly, as though a wisp of breath, she scrambled into the embracing, enfolding maw. Cool air, a river of hopelessness, ensnared her, encircled, devoured. She stiffled her fears, lay down to rest. Humming, humming to the thoughts in her head, cradling the last bit of light fading in her palms, she shut her eyes. The light faded. The birds became once more silent statues. In her mind it opened. The room unfolded before her. Rising up, he came, reaching, snarling. Eyes of red, the daemon spoke with words reeking of sulphur and ash...

Birthday Wishes

One more year gone by
Losing friends
Gaining time
Finding something I hope makes you happy
And taking the scenic route through the woods
Celebrate the turning of the moon
The constant sun
The stars in the heavens
Each has their day
Today is yours

"Us two lonely stars" <3

I love you with everything I have to give. Happy Birthday, Aodhan

(---)

To the sky
They raise their hands and eyes
Bathing in the silver glow
Of the Hunter's Moon


A luminous master

.:*:.

They held the night in their arms
Embracing all its hidden charms
Seeking solace

\^/

She stood in front of the mirror
Smoothing her dress of black and white
And silver guilt

(\*/)

We held heaven for a moment
In a spider's web

Echoes of an Angel...

Dreamy eyes
Here we go a-haunting
To steal back our youth
Little bits of daylight
Reflecting on a tarnished dream
Bring the polishing cloth!
Wipe the dirt from the windows
Oh, agony of betrayal
Redefining-
What shall we become?
We are the echo
The pull of midnight
The blade that you still covet


Think what you will...

/^\

In silence surround us,
Mother of a shadow, and whisper
Tilted vengance

Watch what happens when the world ends

One Way You Could Hurt Me

Wake up from drifting into the nightmare of life. Sit straight up, it's an image. The pleasant dream people are the monsters. The happy faces, the happy lies. All warped and twisted. Take stock of the situation. I have my words, I have a reason now to live, I have this new found light... the daemon creatures laugh. Tell me...tell me what have I to fear... besides the taste of blood.

I can't understand this. I can't deal with this. I can't. WHY DON'T YOU SEE IT.

Because...she doesn't want to. She doesn't care

Always knew...loyalty will be the death of me


but there is one who is there

Oooo, Swiffy!!

i finally got around to changing my colours!!! what do you guys think??


Introductions over
Clasp your locket, little girl
Here is your master
He owns your world

Taste of the darkness
Repent no more
Don't hold your anger in
That's what the whips are for

Desire and destiny
Reach out your hand
Soon you'll wake up
Look back and understand

Roses are red
Blood is too
One day you'll meet someone
Just like you

Recorded

-a taste in my mouth-
Rewind
-a taste-
Rewind
-who smiles on-
Rewind
-in the darkness-
Rewind
-last chance-
Rewind
Here we stand:
Hold on
To the moon when it's gone
In silent victory we shake
Tumble down
Little hills and valleys
Worthy words and voices
Service
Take this last chance
Hold on
When in the darkness we fall
Opression
One who smiles on us all
Leaves a taste in my mouth
Leaves a taste in my mouth
Hold on
The last line is yet to be written-

My Aodhan...

We stretched out our hands
Missed in the dark
I guess we were both too frightened
Just two lonely stars
But in the end
Our dreams came true
And now here we are:
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you

Somehow we both missed the signs
But baby, now it's fine
We both took the chance
This is something that will last

I know we're far apart
But you're always in my heart
Every day I think of you
All that we've been through
And now I see you're the one
The one I've been waiting for so long...

We stretched out our hands
Missed in the dark
We were both too frightened,
Us two lonely stars.
But now in the end
Our dreams have come true
And I don't want to be with anyone
But you

Somehow we both missed the signs
But baby, now it's fine
We both took the chance
This is something that will last

Screaming into the Blackness

i want to thank everyone who's helped me on here. you're all great. (i'd make a list, but i'd probably forget someone and then they'd be mad at me...) yeah, i'm feeling a lot better now. everything's changed. everything...

last night i stood alone in my aunt's kitchen. i just wanted to get a towel...she had just cleaned the kitchen, taken out all the trash, everything was beautiful...i looked in the garbage can for some reason, i don't know why...there was a razour blade...not mine, no, someone took all my stuff...but there it was. there was the way out. i never knew they were so light...i picked it up, held it...my hands were shaking so bad, so bad...there was dried blood, it was so beautiful...but i dropped it back into the can. i dropped it and turned away.

i was afraid this morning
i'd wake up and you'd be gone
a dream i had
one that i wanted so bad
i woke to the sound of fighting
and remembered you
everything we've been through
i woke and shuddered
would you still love me?
would the night have changed it all?
but you said good morning
and threw my fears away

^fucking cheesy, i know.

Mercy

BLINDED
WE ARE THE


SAVIOURS?



TASTE IN RAGE

music as a lullaby
soothing us to sleep
tears that we were forced to cry


FEAR US
DESTROY US



AS IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW

TURN TOWARDS THE DARK

Breathing

what is this all adding up to...i take a look at myself, as objectively as i can, and all i see is another little kid...a little kid who fucked her life up so bad. she can't write, she can't even talk in coherent sentences anymore. she's bipolar again. what a stupid, pathetic little kid. i can see how she got herself kicked out. she's one of those kids who you just pity and walk away because there's nothing you can do. she won't let you.

i've called myself faithless...i've called myself beholden...i've called myself so many things that were not quite true then, but too true now. i've lost my faith, i've given my blood...and for those of you not familiar with blood rituals, that probably sounds really melodramatic. but at this point i don't care.

something funny (or not, whichever), if you stay around me for about an hour, you'll see me swing from manic to depressive. it's entertaining.

the colour black has never been so intense before...this whole relapse thing, it's changed colours... the lows are so low, i can feel the coldness...but the highs, the actual highs, they brighten all the colours, intensify everything. sound, smell, taste, tone...i don't know about touch, i wasn't really paying much attention...it's like...i don't know

i was going to end this with something either poetic or happier. but you know what? fuck it. imagine your own happy ending

LEAVE ME COMMENTS, DAMMIT!

Without You

so...i've been kicked out of my house since the last time i posted...i'm staying at my cousin's for a bit, then moving to her mom's (yes, i'm paying rent) just thought i'd add all that useless information to this random thing...

So we'll strive to die
An unassissted suicide
Will we have visions?
Will we speak lies?

Glory to the dead of fire
And when we quest
We'll drink of power
And when we cry
We'll burn the ground
Glory to the dead of sound

Gift of Rest

Now we lay us down to death
We pray all fear has from us fled
Oh, let us die before we wake
And stop our hearts before they break...

With Realization...

...But rage is a warm comfort
Tinted comforting red
And the dark eyed boy
Is not so easily put off
I offer my blood
But that is not enough
Faceless desire
Why can't we love?


multiple personality
n : a relatively rare dissociative disorder in which the usual integrity of the personality breaks down and two or more independent personalities emerge dictionary.com


I don't think I'm supposed to know about him
And certainly not anyone else.


Talk to me
Tell me it's a dream
Like my-
Broken wings?

Anarchy

Who died and left them in charge?

Hayz- You're wrong, I would kill you
Mabie- You have no idea how deep my rage goes

What do you expect from me
Helpless fury and despicable actions...

Straighten the line
They have no idea
You're all wrong
I WOULD KILL YOU

Heretic

why am i the damned?
rejection
the demons laugh with you
RED LINES
rejection
flip the switch
cut the laughter out
fuck this


it comes to one decision, better left unsaid

Hell

i keep having these visions of stabbing a knife in my arm...what's wrong with me when this is all i think of...what's wrong with me when the scars start to spread across my body. and there's no stopping it. no stopping anything anymore. why don't i just admit i have nothing left and let go? why don't i just let go...into these visions.

True Dark

Stay your soul
Bitterly, we move together
With a call of fury
Bring down the fire
Stay your outrage
We move in legion
Speak no words
Death for your treason
Hide behind your doors
Shutter the windows and cry
With your pain we will gain
Another sable night
Cover your eyes
Cover your eyes!
Stay your soul
Legion of darkness and light
Stay your outrage
Embrace the quiet

Animal Sounds

maintain your pathetic excuses
beyond the light of the fire
a terror so deep it will infiltrate
even so far as the earth

take my hand and devour
stand ready to end it all
with a meager portion of terror
we will destroy them all

contain your simple positions
a word of truth on your lips
i cannot remember to walk with you
if you turn from me now

take my hand and devour
stand ready to end it all
with a meager porion of terror
we will destroy them all

subtle ways to rip us assunder
i demand your attention now
take this my failure and run with me
with hands outstretched to kill

take my hand and devour
stand ready to end it all
with a meager portion of terror
we will destroy them all

Why Did I Bother?

so i went to my school's prom. (i was coereced. a senior friend said she'd cry if i didn't go and that it was her last year here and she really wanted me there, and i can't stand it when people cry...) i've determined that all females that went are stained glass windows, pretty but pointless. as for me, i wasn't gothic in the subculture way, but in the era, yeah i got that down pretty good. all black and dark grey and scary looking...like i could eat your soul...mmm, like cotton candy...

Nothing so real as surreal
Maybe tinted by exhaustion
Maybe by the headache
Concussion bass
Should have been this way
Should have been butterflies
And eternal dancing
And eternal butterflies
Flowing gowns
And butterflies...

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Kill us all, kill us hard
Make them learn
Make them burn
DESTROY US ALL
THEY WILL FALL

Beholden

Rip my veins
And trembling I will fall
You hold the blade to my wrist
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Kiss.
One final death to die
And trembling I will go
You hold the blade to my mind
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Lie.
Spill my blood
And tremnling I will stop
You hold the blade to my silence
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Violence.
Rip my veins
And trembling I will fall
You hold the blade to my wrist
Seal my fate with a heartfelt
Kiss.

Stand Down

as over the edge we stand
as over the lies we craft
with a hand of violence and murder
take me now in this hour
take me back to the before
candle flames and wind in the air
promises, all empty promises
like the shattered mirror of my dreams
or are they mine at all
i lived in the other world and over the edge
we stand looking down
we stand with the wings torn from our backs
who are you to condemn the damned?
we are, we are
as over the edge we stand
falling past your steady gaze
i held in my heart your last breath

Un-haven

Maybe we've got a place.
With the element of desire
There is nothing barred,
Nothing whole.
(To help the path end)
Maybe with this rejection,
Determined resignation,
Maybe with a small smile
Can we change what comes
Pass on the responsibility
Pass on with the secret:
Maybe we've got a place...


With realisation comes the responsibility of repression

Stand

strangleation and a million tiny voices with sharp swords in their back pockets. empty cartons of milk scattered in the hall with the rest of the white trash. fancy magpies, if only i had a shotgun. if only i had a sense of reality so i could destroy the sickness that lives in me and rise against the night, back to the way things were, even if death should follow. strafe, spin, twist, inhale the powder. i can write it but when i speak it's like the world ends. over and over and over and over and over...

riveting. a baby cries in the night. and i am alone to listen. what do you want from me? what do you want me to do? play the game and win, stupid. that's all.

Spite

don't you dare tell me who i am. what you see is what you want. beside the darkness, beside of you. open your eyes, fool. look into the sun. take me for who i am not, not for who i am. endless debate and countless memories. you always remember what makes you look good, not what is good. debate me about the truth. but they know. all of them. trust me, it'll be the last thing you do.

Again We Remember

*sigh*

once again we remember.

I'll leave a rose on your pillow
So you'll know i was here,
Complete with a drop of blood
To stain the white cotton fabric.
Soon, that one drop,
That never dies and never darkens,
Will soak through all the sheets and blankets,
Turning each white cloth to red,
The colour of love and rage.
I love you.

News

Why do the rains bring death?
So many homeless survivors drowning in despair
And misery.
Ah, we beg for syrings to ease out pain
The death toll rises and we see
That when we are alone
We have changed what we believed.
Trembling aftershocks, they took our hope
What have we left now on this day
Oh, mortal confusion, take it all away.

REPRESSED RAGE

Making A List...

name as many forms of abuse as you can. i just want to see something, so please, humour me.

False Hope

it's an interesting feeling, being on the verge of tears...i haven't cried in so long, i don't really remember...all i could think of was how good it would feel to cry again...what happend was a really stupid thing that just...shouldn't have made me like this...i was s'posed to go somewhere with some friends, and it was going good until i had a time that i had to meet them...then my mother (cuz i don't have my lisence yet) took me to a store and instead of just staying there about 20 mins like we were s'posed to, she made me stay 2 hours. so i'm there glaring at the clock and she's telling me to relax and not be so stressed. so we get in the car and go to pick up my check, which we were going to cash and then head out of town, well, i get my check and then my stepdad starts complaing that he's hungry (he was in the car with us) so we stop by burger king *barf* and get some food and sit in the lot and eat. then we go to cash the fucking check...then we just have to go home cuz my stepdad wanted to and unload the stuff we bought and i get a call saying that my friends are leaving and they have to go home (around this time was an hour fifteen after i was s'posed to meet them). so yeah...i pretty much almost break down on the phone...(for those wondering why this would bother me so much, i never do anything with any of my friends...cuz friends are bad dontcha know, well, that's what my stepdad says and he told me that i'm not good enough for them and all this shit) so yeah, i bought a benchpress bar and a curl bar and i'm assembling them in my room cuz i had to do something or explode and he comes in while my mom is helping me put the screw in and he says "don't throw this against the wall cuz it'll knock a hole in it." no shit, sherlock. gosh damn, i'm not a fucking retard. i'm in weight training for fuck's sake, i fucking know what one of those would do to my wall. then he goes all serious and he's like "but i bet you already knew that, right?" and i nodded, cuz yeah, i knew that so he started in on me about my bad attitude and actually wanting to do something with my friends that, ohmygosh, would require someone to drive me somewhere. IF HE'D LET ME GET MY FUCKING LISENCE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK TO BE CARTED AROUND. fuck this. i think i'll go do something...deconstructive

but what I meant was that he didn't put on his post "I NEED HELP. CONSOLE ME WITH MEANINGLESS BABBLE"
-ShadeofDeath

Struck With Nothing

meh, nothing to say, or at least, nothing that doesn't sound so cliche i'd have to shoot myself. actually, i thought about posting some poems i wrote to Deirdre (*ahem* i rename my friends so that i can write about them...though i'm pretty certain that i can't call this person a friend). but, i read over them, and one was sooo dark...in relation to me...the other was so...um...dark and violent (a collab between me and an awesome guy in my CW class, not that i talk to many people in there, but he added this brilliant ending to it and it really seems to work out well) in relation to her. meh, i'll end up posting them if she ever makes me that mad again...or if she vaguely annoys me, it doesn't take much to make me homicidal, what takes a lot is taking me past homicide into the "evil sadist" mode. then i have these random daydreams of torturing people...which i nearly did once so don't make me that mad...*innocent smile*

go watch these:
Element Trailor, good flash graphics, lovely stroy line
Merry Melony episode 1, omgosh, this is amazing
The Ultimate Showdown, hey, it's funny! we need to laugh sometimes!

i'd put the suicide one on here, but, uh, yeah...it's not conducive to living

Running Embrace

Fate of the eyes
We're going to shut you up
Tonight
We're going to run until we die
And we're not gonna stop
Not 'til we fucking know how far
This goes
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight
Somehow we'll bring them home
Take our fucking soul out
And we're not gonna let them go
We'll meet our monsters in the dark
And we're gonna take them home
We'll embrace our fears tonight
We'll embrace our fears tonight

And Now For Something Completely Different

omgosh! i hate some of the people who come into Krispy Kreme!!!!!! *rages, bangs head into wall* ARRRRRGGGGGGH. *bursts into tears and gets machete* haHA! now they will not be so stupid!!

Stupid Person 1: I see the hot light's on. Oh, do you have hot donuts right now?
Me: NO! TODAY ONLY! HOTLIGHT ON AND NO DONUTS! BUT WHEN WE START MAKING THEM, WE'LL TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

Me: Would you like some napkins?
Stupid Person 2: Sure, if you have any
Me: ACTUALLY, I GAVE THE LAST TO THAT GUY OVER THERE! I WAS JUST ASKING TO TAUNT YOU

Stupid Person 3: Why don't you have a half dozen deal?!
Me: CUZ THEN NO ONE WOULD BUY A FULL DOZEN, BIOTCH

Stupid Person 4 (while pointing to sign with the donut of the month flavour on it): Is your donut of the month still pumpkin spice cake?
Me: NO, WE JUST HAVE THAT SIGN UP CUZ WE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT DOWN

*bangs head into keyboard* why why why why why are people so freaking stupid?!?!? i swear, the next stupid person will have me lunging out the window in drive thru at their throat!!!!! *screams* and i have to be nice to the morons or i'll lose the job! if i ever quit, i'll just say some of this stuff to people. i've had ample opportunity...*dark gaze* i'm serious...*runs repeatedly into wall* and of course, this isn't all that they ask/say. oh, there's more, much more! and some of the orders!!!!

Stupid Health Freak: Can I have a large hot chocolate...with skim milk?
Me:...*blank gaze* ...WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??? WE PUT 10 SQUIRTS OF CHOCOLATE INTO THOSE THINGS! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE MAKING IT ANY HEALTHIER

Random Stupid Person: I want something to keep me awake...how about a medium decaf coffee?
Me: ...*wtf?*

yeah, that one got me...i didn't even think anything sarcastic about them...just kinda...yeah, decaf is really gonna do ya a good one there. *nods wisely* meh, and then tonight, the guy didn't say he wanted the mocha decaf, so right when i was about to go supervise the making of said mocha, he grabs the drive thru window and nearly pulls himself in the window and says "i did say that's s'posed to be decaf, right??" and i'm like "what...? um, no, no you didn't..." and i run down to the steamer and try to catch the chick before she adds the chocolate...thankfully we could use the espresso in something else...dumbarse hillbillies...oh! and i found out KK is the hangout of all emo kids in this county! they come in at least 20 times a night for a free donut, reaking of pot and ciggies and who knows what else, voraciously devour the donuts, and leave...i've never seen so many emo kids all together...not even at school and that's saying something. well...on the plus side of all this, i get to make fun of everyone stupid (and all emos) with the other people working...and i ordered a black shirt online, so i don't have to wear *shudders* white anymore.

well, i think i'm done ranting...i'll leave you with this thought...All it takes is two steps forward and one step back

Fact #139

Every emo kid everywhere owns at least one thing with a checkerboard pattern, usually a pair of shoes.


so, we stated school again today. which sucked. like hell. not just cuz i got homework (we just got back!! please!!) but cuz i just couldn't...i mean, well, i should have cut it out last night. and i didn't. i said i wouldn't and i didn't. so i kept one promise out of thousands. and today i paid the price for it. i couldn't look anyone in the eyes, i couldn't even speak to anyone, i always looked at the floor (nice tyle pattern, lovely fake rock thingies, and they sparkle in the sun!)

i hope it fucking explodes and takes your head off, i hope it takes me over and kills you. let me be! i don't need you anymore. let me be. let me be! fucking leave me alone to this misery! without you i could get better! without you i could live again! FUCK OFF

I Think, They Speak

i know it's not worth this feeling
failure, you're such a failure
but i can't help letting it get to me
becuase you'll never be like them
how it burns me through
yes, let it in
just to know that i'm like this
you'll always be this way
and you're like that
don't look into the light
if you even knew how sick i am
and we have you in chains
of all this death and darkness
the only thing you are worth
maybe you'd listen more
you fool yourself
maybe you'd try to talk to me
they all hate you
more than you do right now
they do it from pity
or maybe you'd just leave me be
of course they would, my child
for what has more pull
say what you are
than a creature of the shadows...

Another Year

well, it's 2006. a whole new year, 365 days that we haven't traveled yet...and when it's all said and done, it's just another year to be lonely, another year to be in pain each and every day. a whole year that we have to get through so that we can get through another year and another and another until we're old. and then we just...kind of die. and no one notices. we're just another number on another graph somewhere and then our 'personal' number is written down as deceased and that's that. who cares to remember the dead...the dead walk the halls and no one is there to comfort them...people like me, it's our job to remember them, all of them...but who wants to admit to that. and the sun is shining and i don't really think that it's worth it anymore, but here's the new year, and we have to stay around just long enough to prove that this year will suck as much as the last. or maybe things will change and we'll find a way...because there's always a way, we just don't always see it.

May we all see where to go, Happy New Year

New Year's Rememberance